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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think he's left me and not told me?!

999 replies

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 13:51

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

OP posts:

crochetmonkey74 · 06/12/2017 14:44

It sort of doesn't matter what has happened OP , i think the writing is on the wall given that you immediately thought he was capable of doing this. That means, deep down, you don't fully trust him emotionally. Regardless of what this turns out to be, that would speak volumes to me and I would be making my exit plans.You deserve a partner who is trustworthy and who you have total faith in emotionally. This is not him.
Hope it all works out for the best x

Original poster

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 14:45

I was clutching at the same straws :( I know he was replying to her telling her how well he was doing/happy we are etc so the gloating he's in a good place when meeting her seemed possible.

However the later it gets (almost 5 hours now) the more I am thinking I won't see him for dust.

OP posts:

RhiannonOHara · 06/12/2017 14:46

I'm afraid I don't have any good advice, OP, but wanted to offer an ear and a .

ShirleyPhallus · 06/12/2017 14:47

LoverOfCake

What a horrible message. Have you forgotten there’s a real, worried person on the other side of the screen who doesn’t need a kicking from you as well?

Original poster

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 14:48

She was saying aswell, she wanted to talk to him on the phone/in person as she didn't want him to be able to screenshot the messages to her NEW BOYFRIEND. The one she cheated on him with.

If he's gone back to that he deserves all he gets.

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 06/12/2017 14:48

No advice, but I have my fingers crossed it will all work out ok for you.

Original poster

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 14:49

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, really is helping massively. Helps to feel less alone.

OP posts:

LoverOfCake · 06/12/2017 14:50

Bit harsh Lover. There are nicer ways of saying things! I'm not sure how tbh. The reality here is that after six months this man is a stranger. And he clearly is since the OP had no idea how cut up he still was about his ex until now.

I suspect that this relationship has in fact moved far too quickly for him as well and that the writing was on the wall with or without the ex in the picture.

But there are several issues here even if you take the speed of the relationship out of the equation. The fact that the man has gone out for the day and not told the OP where he's gone but the conclusion she has automatically reached is that he's left for good is a clear indication that she wasn't feeling secure in the relationship anyway, most likely because it's such a short relationship to date and in truth it could still have gone either way, and OP has been expecting it to end at any minute. If she hadn't been she wouldn't have automatically have jumped to the thought that he'd left even though his phone charger, passport etc are still at the flat.

MrsSthe3rd · 06/12/2017 14:50

@Carrotgirl999 I have no advice whatsoever useful I know. However, I just wanted to give you a virtual hand-hold until you find out what's going on.

The waiting and not knowing must eat people up more than anything.

Original poster

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 14:51

Thankyou mrs, I really appreciate it x

OP posts:

Kentnurse2015 · 06/12/2017 14:51

I do think he went off to meet her but has now been caught out so not sure what he will do. At least you have had this experience relatively early on

fruitbrewhaha · 06/12/2017 14:52

Or perhaps he has just gone out.
But that you are concerned he's run off says to me that you don't know him at all. Or trust him. In which case why are you living with him? Especially as you have a child.

You deserve so much more than being dicked around by flaky unreliable men. Do yourself and your son a favour and find a grown up. Spend some real time getting to know a man before you get so emotionally and financially attached.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 14:54

Actually, Lover is spot on, harsh though it is to hear, she is right. Moving him in so quickly without your child, without getting to know him first, is madness. I am glad you have learned from this.

TheMerryWidow1 · 06/12/2017 14:54

u poor thing, what an awful man if he has gone, you are better off without him. I'd burn his passport and any remaining clothes. Take care.

Original poster

Carrotgirl999 · 06/12/2017 14:55

I absolutely did trust him. As if he were going out and knowingly leaving me locked out he would always have told me how long / where to pick a key up from. His communication skills have always been brilliant.

So this absolute uturn in behaviour has shaken me massively.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 14:55

Your best off without him, he sounds like a right looser, who deserves what he gets. He's done you a huge favour. Onwards and upwards.

PNGirl · 06/12/2017 14:56

He's not left - he's gone to meet her. However when he does come back tonight I think he might be off again. :(

Sadlady77 · 06/12/2017 14:56

Hope you are okay. If this is what he's really done then you are so much better off without him xx

DrPill · 06/12/2017 14:57

Could it be that he has just been knocked for 6 by this? Maybe he's gone to clear his head.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/12/2017 14:57

I would bag up his stuff, and put it outside for him to collect. Message him that its there. Nasty piece of work.

lurkingfromhome · 06/12/2017 14:57

This is horrible, and I do feel for you. I don't think he has just walked out and left you (most of his things are still there, and realistically it's not that easy to do - most people need a certain amount of time to pack belongings, sort stuff out etc).

I do however think that for whatever reason he has gone to meet her, and was assuming that you would be back home after him so would know nothing about it, until you scuppered his plans by coming home early.

I think there is not much you can do until he gets home and explains himself and then you'll know where to go from there.

The waiting is awful, though. I'm so sorry this has happened to you after the terrible time you went through in your previous relationship. But if you got through that, you can surely get through this.

MrsMotherHen · 06/12/2017 14:57

Lucky escape by the sound of it what a scumbag!

nibora · 06/12/2017 14:57

I get it OP, it's the uncertainty and the waiting, slow torture. Awful.

RedSkyAtNight · 06/12/2017 14:58

Has he knowingly left you locked out? I'd assume you would have taken a key yourself rather than relying on him being in when you got home.

LoverOfCake · 06/12/2017 14:58

Honestly the paranoia on this thread is unreal. So the man has dared to go out for the day and not told the OP where he's gone and people are telling her to bag up his stuff and throw him out?

Can you imagine the responses here if a woman posted that she'd gone out without telling her partner where she was going and that when she came back he'd thrown all her stuff out because he'd assumed she'd left without telling him?

Now it seems very clear that the OP has rushed headlong into this relationship without giving it much thought, and that the first time he's gone out she's suddenly realised that she doesn't trust him. But he's left his passport, his phone charger, his clothes at the flat, there is literally nothing to suggest that he's left the OP for good, but to be honest even if he hadn't left this morning I wouldn't be advising either of them to stay in what is very clearly a destructive relationship on both sides.

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