Think he's left me and not told me?!

[Carrotgirl999]

Ok sorry, this might be long.

Been with partner around 6 months, just moved in together. Things have been fantastic until this weekend, when his ex got in touch and it threw him, they had a messy break up around a year ago and we're engaged, after 8 years together. She's basically begging for him back.

He told me honestly about their conversation, that he needed closure, felt strong when replying knowing he had a good life now with me.

Although he's been quieter since Saturday he assured me no reason to worry.

This morning I went to work, but had a gut instinct something wasn't right (randomly changed his WhatsApp pic from us to one of him) and my messages weren't delivering. I tried to call, no answer. I txt him to say I was going home early, when I called again he answered, said 'for fuck sake, ok hope you feel better soon.'

Got home an hour later, to be locked out (live in flats with communal entrance) his phone switched off and nowhere to be seen.

I got a neighbour to let me in, he isn't answering his phone, not receiving any messages, has basically vanished. All his things are here.

His smart new clothes he bought the other day have had the tags taken off and left so he's obviously wearing them. But no coat.

I'm thinking the worst. That he's left for good. Maybe being paranoid, but this is all VERY out of character. Never not been able to get hold of him before.

In the interest of not stop feeding, he left his ex one day taking nothing, just walking out, when he heard she had cheated. So he's capable of leaving things behind without second thought. He didn't tell me on the phone he was out but it looks as tho he waited for me to leave for work, got changed and went. Told me he had no plans, what he's making for tea, he was gunna do housework today, blah blah.

Someone talk some sense into me as my instincts are saying the worst has happened and he's gone back to her without so much as a backwards glance. :(

I’m so sorry OP. You have behaved in such a dignified way throughout this. I can only echo the others - pack up his things and ask his brother to collect them. Don’t engage with him at all. He is dead to you. He’s behaved disgustingly.

Yep pack his things and get it out as soon as you can. Make sure you get the key back - or else just change the locks.

Do you own the flat or lease the flat in your own name?

If you can afford, get a deep clean of the flat, buy yourself comfy new duvet cover and bedsheet just so it feels a little different.

Carrot, I am so sorry. X

Thank your lucky stars, he sounds like a jekyll and hyde character, You will never find happiness with someone like that because you never know when they are going to change again, take all his presents back to the shop and pamper yourself.
New year soon, New start

Sorry, x-post.
Cowardly, bloody bastard!
At least now you know.
Hope you're OK.

So sorry, Carrot. But I'm glad you've found your anger and I'm offering a hand-hold.

I'm so sorry. What a spineless dickhead. Pack his stuff, get it out and let him be dead to you from this day forward.

What a cock-sucking thundercunt. I know how much this hurts. But you WILL be ok.

Rant to your heart's content. Use your anger to get rid of every scrap of him now. Bag everything up leave it outside and tell him to collect it now.

It helps.

A bit.

What a weak, pathetic man. Better this happen then you having some kind of crisis where you had to rely on him. Stay strong & focus on your son, this crap will pass & at the very least, you'll never go through this again.

so sorry Carrot. I wouldn't even reply to that text. Keep him guessing. You know all you need to know. Pack his stuff, leave it either outside your door or drop it outside his mum or brother's door. Then change the locks.

OMG what a tosser. I would reply this time, along the lines of:

"Bin bags outside at 14:00 send someone to collect them or they may disappear. Ensure collector posts my keys through the door"

Keep all emotion out of it.

He'll get his and you'll get yours.

You're well rid of this man. Wish I could give you a hug though. You sound so loving and caring. Have a good cry over the idiot, have a nice meal delivered and netflix some good films with your son tonight.

I've been keeping up with this post since it started and just wanted to say you are incredibly strong with how you've handled this already.

He is such a coward. He'll eventually realise he can't just keep running away from everything. What a bellend!!

I agree with @HotelEuphoria! Keep texts plain and simple in regards to his stuff (if he wants it back that is).

OP I am really sorry. He is an absolute bastard. You can't understand people like this, they're in a class of their own. You absolutely could not have seen this coming and deserve so, so much better. Big hugs. I can imagine how awful you're feeling right now, what a whirlwind - but you will feel better again after this dies down.

I would not reply to his message or even contact him again. He's shown himself to be so unstable and devoid of empathy that you can't deal with him as you would a person behaving normally. Perhaps just get all his stuff together in the hall, let all communication be through his brother/SIL & ask his brother if he would be kind enough to pick the stuff up himself? No need to knock on your door. Oh and, IIRC that it's just your name on the tenancy, I think you can safely get the locks changed after talking to LL?

He's that word that I don't like. You're well rid x

I'm so very sorry Carrot.

All you can do is let time heal you. You did not deserve this, and he is unworthy of you. Pack his stuff and ask a member of his family to collect it ASAP.

Never let him back into your sphere, ever. He has shown you who he is, and it isn't nice.

So sorry, Carrot.

In a way it's good that he's broken it off so finally as now there's no more hanging on and being tortured by 'is he or isn't he?'. It's over.

It's going to hurt for a while - and then it won't hurt so much and you'll be over it yourself. But for now you just have to go through it.

I wouldn't communicate with him ever again. Just text his brother and say his stuff is in bin bags if he likes to collect them for him.

what an idiot he is-get your key back and don't forget you'd already decided he wasn't coming back so pack up his stuff and either dump it or give hi a really tight time frame to collect it.

I have just read all this and just wanted to say, like a lot of other posters, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I can't believe he put you through this, it's such a cruel and selfish way of ending things, especially at this time of year.

From your posts you seem like a wonderful woman and you've done much better than I would have done at maintaining your dignity. You and your son deserve much much better than this

Oh OP what a shithouse thing to go through.

As for the msg about swapping his shit for the key - I'd contact his brother or SIL and arrange it and not ever respond to your now-ex again. Ever. Let him wonder about how he let such a resilient and strong woman go.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine came home from a show to find a note saying that her husband had left her and run off with some woman he met on the internet. After THIRTY YEARS of marriage. He had been communicating with this woman for months while my friend was at work supporting him as he was registered disabled. He never looked back, he never came back! My friend and their daughter were devastated, I don't think she will ever get over it. Thank god this one showed his true colours early on, the cowardly cunt. So sorry this has happened to you

The only thing I would probably do - at some point, the right moment will come - is to let him know that his things were packed before he even sent that last text, and that the decision he may have been agonising over this morning had already been made for him. Once he walked out, he'd cooked his own goose.

OP it's awful but as you already know, you've had a lucky escape. Can you get some friends over? Pack his stuff or don't today, whatever you wish to do. I wouldn't bother to message, perhaps let his brother know that his stuff will be ready at x point, not that he will come over.

And then let yourself muse on the endless ways people find to fuck up their own happy lives. So presumably he's decided that the woman for him is a cheat who he could walk away from without a backward glance after 8 years, who is currently demonstrating that she's still exactly the same cheating shit as she's done exactly the same thing WITH him now in reverse. Wonder when that penny will drop! Maybe he'll walk away from her with only the clothes on his back in record speed this time. If he does it super-quick, he'll only have to replace one passport because his third one won't even have been processed yet

I know it's a horrible shock and an awful thing to go through but this guy's mask has truly slipped, and he's a complete dick. Nobody with any sense would want this guy, be glad you've got rid.

I have another message. He's not coming back. He's unhappy. And he's sorry. Fuck

"Your stuff is already packed. You have 24 hours to collect it."

I like that message Watching! a great way of feeling back in control.