Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

353 replies

Evelyn29 · 28/11/2017 12:21

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 02/12/2017 16:24

What does Dr John Gottman say about watching porn?

www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 16:27

Bet the thread wasn't even started for genuine reasons. These sorts of ones are often just started for entertainment because they know it will cause a heated debate. And @nancy is right. No point posting anymore as both sides will never agree and find common ground on the matter

Moussemoose · 02/12/2017 16:56

Bibbidee

Very interesting nuanced article by Dr John Gottman.

It seems porn is a bit like alcohol in moderation and used sensibly it can be OK but when used excessively it is harmful. Porn use in a relationship needs to involve open communication.

From reading the thread and wider research it is clear ethical porn is available.

Posters who oppose all porn: is it all porn you object to or women being abused while making porn?

Everyone on the thread has said or implied they object to women being abused while making porn.

Some posters use porn that they source ethically and are open about discussing it in their relationships - what would be the specific issue with this?

BackInTheRoom · 02/12/2017 17:57

And Dr John Gottman again:

www.gottman.com/blog/x-is-for-x-rated/

hollowtree · 02/12/2017 18:10

raging I said no one is WATCHING unethical porn here!!! Not that it doesn't exist or that all material is ethical. Open your eyes and read posts properly before delighting in the fact you can use them to get all pissed off again.

Anyway! I must say, it's been... a huge waste of my time but frankly that's exactly what I was trying to do. After struggling to BF I spent around 4 hours a day exclusively pumping but no more! My gorgeous DD has finally learnt to latch (with the help of a very talented cranial osteopath) so I am now favouring spending time with her to heated debates online.

Final thoughts:

  1. Pigs are remarkably intelligent! I don't want to see them treated inhumanely any more than I would want to see a human treated inhumanely.
  1. So long as what you source is ethical and safe for all participants... watch what you like! You are paying someone's wages.
  1. humps for the love of God... get a hobby!!!
Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 18:12

Haha @hollow your post really made me chuckle. Agree with all you say. And congrats on the baby!

Humpsfor20yards · 02/12/2017 18:46

Why should I 'get a hobby' anymore than anyone else on this thread?

Anyway, I have a perfectly good hobby laughing at the porn users who all now apparently source their orgasms safely and ethically and come out with gems like this:

I also believe the life of an animal to be equal to that of a human.

Grin

Funny.

InternetHoopJumper · 02/12/2017 19:35

It's very telling that the people who are pro-porn on this thread are very comfortable calling those who disagree with them the following:

-Prudes
-Anti-porn brigade
-Don't know what they are talking about
-Policing/controlling
-Not normal

All to hide the fact that if they really tried to engage in the discussion they wouldn't have a leg to stand on.

Moussemoose · 02/12/2017 19:41

Bibbidee

porn can be beneficial to a relationship. Researchers from Brigham Young University completed a study of 813 university students and found that 87% of men and 31% of women use porn, and that 67% of men and 49% of women find pornography use to be acceptable. Using porn can lead couples to discuss their sexual preferences, and research does show that talking about sex improves a couple’s sex life and leads to more orgasms for women. This is good. But this use of porn is rare

On the whole he is against porn use but the article is nuanced so don't try to use it to prove porn is bad - it doesn't. The humanity of the individuals using porn causes the issues. Porn can be positive but wider societal inhibitions limit the positive use of porn. The widespread abuse of women in pornography inhibits women from using and enjoying it for very good reasons that does not mean porn can not have some benefits in a,relationship when sourced ethically.

Moussemoose · 02/12/2017 19:45

Bibbidee

And Dr John Gottman again

www.gottman.com/blog/x-is-for-x-rated/

It's an interesting read but it isn't Gottman - please read your own links first

Koala72 · 02/12/2017 20:26

Boys watch porn. They turn into men. It's a habit. You shouldn't be threatened by it. They have no problem compartmentalising. He can tell the difference between porn and you. Just as you could if you watched porn.

This isn't bad. It's kind of standard. It means nothing. Don't worry.

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 20:50

"Boys watch porn. They turn into men. It's a habit. You shouldn't be threatened by it. They have no problem compartmentalising. He can tell the difference between porn and you. Just as you could if you watched porn.

This isn't bad. It's kind of standard. It means nothing. Don't worry."

Blimey. I despair of humanity. Really.

Koala72 · 03/12/2017 09:57

Despair, despair. But that's the reality.

Or should I have said oh no be dreadfully hurt and totally misunderstand him?

Watching porn is not the same as fucking someone else. And yes fair enough to raise it as a discussion point with him, but not right to make it into something it isn't.

I don't know a guy who hasn't watched it, so the OP needs perspective.

BackInTheRoom · 03/12/2017 17:28

@Moussemoose

On the whole he is against porn use but the article is nuanced so don't try to use it to prove porn is bad - it doesn't.

Sorry, where did I say porn was bad? 😳

Moussemoose · 03/12/2017 19:36

Bibbidee

My apologizes you don't say you are against porn. Your second link is still not "Dr John Gottman again" though.

hollowtree · 04/12/2017 00:32

humps there appears to be some confusion on your part. Bear with me for this next post, I am going to do my best to make it digestible for you.

Some parallels have been drawn, by a previous poster, between the humane treatment of humans and animals. The former example being porn, the latter: the meat industry. This being that there is an option to responsibly source both in such a way as to adhere to strict ethical guidelines. These examples both also have an alternative means of production whereby the consumer does not care for the wellbeing of the subject.

So there's that, which is fact. Now, in my "thicky" opinion, the lives of animals and humans are of equal importance. Make no mistake, I am not saying the life of a human means as little to me as an animal- I am saying the life of an animal means as much to me as that of a human. I am a vegetarian, I care deeply for the wellbeing of all inhabitants of the Earth. That is my opinion that I have put forward as a result of a previous posters comments and did not warrant your unkind response.

The points being made, throughout the thread, are that there is always the option to consume/access either in such a way as not to cause immoral harm. It has, however, been noted that it is widely understood that there ARE avenues to access both which can and do cause harm and many posters have stated that they do what they can to avoid this. Some avoid consumption altogether (don't eat meat/don't watch porn), some accept that they do want the product and source it ethically.

Some believe that avoiding using the product and actively encouraging others to do the same is for the best, others believe that so long as moral guidelines are adhered to then doing what you would like to is best. Both are opinions, both are valid.

This is the sort of discussion adults can have without name-calling and demeaning comments. I have never been referred to as "thicky" by anyone else, and nor would I have called you the same for having a different opinion to my own.

No other poster here has resorted to this in an attempt to 'win', in fact each new post has provided new information and insight. Your contribution has been a continued effort to be mean and that is why, therefore, out of an entire thread of posters I believe you alone would benefit from a hobby

I do not think people who do not use porn are prudish. I do not think people who do use porn are immoral. I do think using an Internet forum to call people with an opposing view point 'thick' is sad and unnecessary.

I hope this post has been useful to you (as it has been to me by making this night feed go by a little quicker!) and I think previous posters have got it spot on with the general 'agree to disagree'.

hollowtree · 04/12/2017 00:36

bring thanks! It's taken 12 weeks but we've finally got there!!!

Humpsfor20yards · 04/12/2017 07:38

I also believe the life of an animal to be equal to that of a human

Ok so you didn't mean that.

Your insistence that I, alone on this thread, 'get a hobby' is odd. My contributions -thicky aside (apologies) have been as valid as anyone's. I don't know what you're trying to say but repeating 'get a hobby' comes across as very passive aggressive or simply 'mean'.

I think it's curious that such an ethical vegetarian as yourself has little concern about the well-being of women in the vast majority of porn that is not ethically made, or the negative impact of porn culture on young people, but of course as you say, all people make different choices and have different moral codes.

Moussemoose · 04/12/2017 08:01

Humpsfor20yards

The posters on this thread have not said or implied that they have:

little concern about the well-being of women in the vast majority of porn that is not ethically made, or the negative impact of porn culture on young people

This is why people get angry. No one has said this. The porn users have said they are concerned about well-being of women and thus use porn where those involved do so voluntarily. These posters have identified that the vast majority of porn is abusive so they don't use it.

Wider "porn culture" has that been discussed on this thread? Have I missed it?

To reiterate please stop putting words in other posters mouths. Everyone on this thread has expressed that they do not support porn where those involved are abused or consent may be forced or not freely given.

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2017 08:14

The porn users have said they are concerned about well-being of women and thus use porn where those involved do so voluntarily. These posters have identified that the vast majority of porn is abusive so they don't use it Have they? To my reading, most "pro porn" posters are sticking to the view that most porn is not abusive. And most pro porn posters are also very vague when asked how they ensure that the porn they use is ethical......

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2017 08:16

One poster appeared to believe that the women concerned had full editorial control over any 3 minute clip on Pornhub they were in!

BertrandRussell · 04/12/2017 08:18

And another actually said that the treatment of women in the sex industry was not on her list of concerns-or words to that effect.

Humpsfor20yards · 04/12/2017 08:20

You are seriously trying to suggest that the porn users on this thread are all concerned about well-being of women and thus use porn where those involved do so (where they appear to be) voluntarily?

That's just not true.

The plight of women in the sex industry is just not as high on my agenda. In fact, it’s not on it at all.

Everyone on this thread has expressed that they do not support porn where those involved are abused or consent may be forced or not freely given.

No, not everyone on this thread has expressed this concern. About three people have. Don't put words in other posters mouths.

Wider "porn culture" has that been discussed on this thread?

Not much, has it? Looks like the 'we only consume vegetarian porn brigade' aren't bothered about wider porn culture.

Bringbeboback · 04/12/2017 08:32

What should be done about it then? I'm assuming because you have such incredibly strong closed minded views about it, that you're heavily involved in helping all of these poor, abused women? Or do you just stick your head in the sand about it and preach your moral judgements to everyone else. Just by choosing to not watch porn isn't going to suddenly end the sex industry and stop sexual abuse. You'd have to convince the billions of other people who watch it to stop too.
@bert the names I listed are all porn stars who direct their own videos and have teasers posted to pornhub to coax people to pay for the full videos on their websites. I really couldn't care less if you don't believe me. The porn industry is completely different to how it was when Linda Lovelace was around. That was decades ago!

hollowtree · 04/12/2017 09:33

Ok so you didn't mean that

That's exactly what I meant. I even explained it in my last post for you.

comes across as very passive aggressive or simply 'mean'.

Fight fire with fire... being nice wasn't getting me anywhere!

curious that such an ethical vegetarian as yourself has little concern about the well-being of women in the vast majority of porn that is not ethically made, or the negative impact of porn culture on young people

See my previous post RE: 'make love not porn'. I have never implied that I have no concern regarding the ethical welfare of these women. I am defending the decision of other posters here to access ethical porn without judgement.

And with regards to your final statement: different decisions, yes. Different morals, no.

Swipe left for the next trending thread