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Original poster

My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

353 replies

Evelyn29 · 28/11/2017 12:21

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:24

"The anti porn brigade have obviously never watched it and probably control their partner's every move. They assume porn is all women being abused and raped because they might have read a couple of reports or seen a documentary about it made by people who are also anti porn^

Can you answer one question. When you watch porn, how do you ensure that the women you are watching enjoy it, find it a congenial line of work, are well paid and are vfree to say no to anything they do not wish to do without consequences?

rale124 · 02/12/2017 08:26

I can't believe so many men put up with it simply because one party of the relationship says so.

Fair enough if it is a mutual arraignment as both parties considered porn to be abhorant (irrationally in my opinion). But if someone came into my life and my house and tried policing my sexual behaviour God knows they'd be going head first through the front door.

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:32

"But if someone came into my life and my house and tried policing my sexual behaviour God knows they'd be going head first through the front door"

For many people, myself included, it would not be policing your sexual behaviour. It would be "policing" your ethical behaviour. This is what pro-porn (for want of a better term) people seem to find hard to understand. It is not about sexual morality. It is about social conscience. "First, do no harm"

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 08:34

@bert I've already answered this about 10 times. I only watch porn that I know Is directed and produced by the female star. Kelly Madison for example - she makes all her own videos with her husband. No other men are ever involved and she directs them and chooses the content. I've watched a documentary about her and she gets 100% say as to what they do in it. Her husband just goes along with it and it's all fairly vanilla stuff. They earn an absolute fortune and live in a ridiculous mansion
Not all porn stars are being forced into vulnerable situations by sleazy men who take a large cut of their earnings and want to abuse them. If you want to watch ethically made porn then it doesn't take long to find some. A lot of the big companies have to adhere to ethical standards now to avoid being shut down too. The porn stars are treated and paid very well

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 08:36

@Bert so if your husband was watching videos like I mentioned above, that were made purely by the woman starring in it. Would you have an issue then? My guess is you would as you wouldn't want to be with someone who 'objectifies' women Hmm
You anti porn people always find a reason why it's abhorrent and we'll all go to Hell for enjoying seeing naked bodies

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:36

Bring I have to say that I love assumptions like yours.
Anti porn have never watched porn. They are controlling etc....

FYI I have watched porn because I don’t think you can make a judgment in that wo watching it plus I wanted to know what my own two sons would be watching (because they probably will at some point).
I am not controlling. H isn’t watching porn as far as I know. He would need to go round the safety we have at home with the internet (put on for the dcs!!) which he hasn’t.

However, I’m still against porn for the reason I have highlighted.
And those reasons are coming from what I have personally seen more than reports I have read (they came later).
And what I have seen is women being hurt, women being high on drugs, women being treated like objects.
I have seen sexual acts that should never be considered as ‘the norm’ (as in normal so there is no reason to really talk about it, and if you dont do that you are obviously a prude). That includes anal sex, painful sex or so called BDSM stuff (attaching the woman in strange positions etc...) and gang bang stuff.
All on the very first page when you open a porn site (from a 1st page from google so really your run of the mill porn site).
I disagree with the fact the Porn is always about men and their orgasm, never about women.
I disagree about the impact it has in people.

Can you get titillated by it? Of course you can.
Will you get pleasure from it? I would imagine so. Just as much as I would from a good book on that subject tbh.
Does it mean it’s ethical? IMO no it’s not (and takes away any pleasure I can have)
Does it mean it’s right for the society as a whole? Again no I don’t believe it.

But that’s NOT because I have no idea what prob is because I haven’t watched it or because I’m controlling or because I’m a prude or because of any other reasons yiucan think off that is basically about putting me down (the same way that men tend to do when you express a similar opinion btw - see posts above about how women are humiliated for not behav8ng like a porn ‘start’)

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:40

@Bring - so what %age of porn is like that? What do your think should be done about the other 99.99% the rest?

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 08:42

You truly believe that 99.99% of all porn out there involves vulnerable women being abused? Ok then...

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:46

If this is the biggest industry in the world (or is it prostitution??), I am now wondering

  • is there a special tax code for being a principal actress or actor?
  • would anyone ever define their job as being a porn actor/actress? After all, if it’s that ok, I imagine that this should be a recognised job isn’t it?
  • would any parent ever dream to see their child going in that sort of job? Because you know all actors are doing that for pleasure so that would be ok wouldn’t it? (Even if they rarely wear condom and are therefore at high risk of STD etc)

Interesting idea isn’t it?

Bring just a quick comment.
You are saying that you only watch certain type of porn that is ethical, vanilla etc...
You DO realise that this is NOT what 99% of people who watch prin are watching right?
You do realise that what people are watching ar PornHub an the likes (and then probably move into more ‘hard core’ sites)
And that therefore whatever you are saying about porn being great because of xxx (based of what YOU are watching) is nowhere near representative of the the reality?

Most of us here are talking about box standard porn, not your very niche ethical stuff.
Please don’t confuse the two of them because they are not the same thing.

Maybe YOU do need to start watching mainstream porn to see what it’s really like tbh.

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:47

It was an ironic strike through. Ignore it and answer the question.

What %age of the available porn is the type you use? And what % is not? What do you think should be done about the rest?

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 08:47

Listen - if you don't like porn that's absolutely fine. There isn't one rule out there that says EVERYONE MUST WATCH AND ENJOY PORN AND MASTURBATE TO IT.
To say that everyone who does watch it are pathetic, sad, facilitators of abuse etc is just nonsense though. Horrible things happen in all industries. Sexual assaults happen in the regular film industry. Shall we all boycott going to the cinema too?

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:49

I do believe that more than 99% of porn being produced is at the opposite of your nice porn production.
If it wasn’t the case, you wouldn’t have had to hunt down someone who is a woman, has a say in everything etc... because it would be the norm.
If you’ve had to check on all that, then it means that all the porn being produced is likely to be

  • wo the full involvement of the woman
  • asking women to do things they didn’t agree with in the first place
Etc etc (all the things you said you checked were happening with your producer)
BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:49

How many of the women on something like Pornhub are in the position that Kelly Madison is in?

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 08:50

So have you watched mainstream porn then?
Would you watch it and feel confortable with it?

If yes, why did you feel the need to look for porn made by a woman, where she has full control on what is happening onstage?

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:50

So you can't answer. Fair enough, I thought you probably couldn't.(

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 08:53

"Sexual assaults happen in the regular film industry. Shall we all boycott going to the cinema too?"

Well, I certainly won't be going to see anything that puts money in Harvey Weinstein's pocket any time soon........

Humpsfor20yards · 02/12/2017 09:00

You're talking to people who don't give a shit about things like #metoo campaign.

But show them a squashed snail and they'll be devastated.

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 09:00

Jesus give me a chance. I have a life and wasn't glued to your response on here.
I can think of plenty of porn stars who have videos on pornhub etc who make ethical porn. Want me to list them all for you? There are loads! A lot of big companies have to stick to very strict ethical guidelines when creating content now too. Just because you find the thought of things like anal and BDSM horrifying, doesn't mean the women starring in the videos do. My best friend prefers anal sex to regular sex shock horror.
What's your response to whether we should stop going to the cinema after all the sexual abuse stuff has come to light in regular film?
And to answer your question - I know plenty of people don't watch ethical porn. But I was defending myself after previous posters called me pathetic and sad etc for saying I watch the stuff I do.
Oh and of course porn stars can put their occupation on their tax returns. It's not illegal! Same for escorts in the UK. It isn't illegal to escort independently from your own home. And it's the taboos made my society that make it difficult for sex workers to be open with family and friends about what they do, which in turn makes them more vulnerable as they have to be secretive. If people would stop seeing them as the dregs of society then maybe there would be better protection in place for things to always be done ethically

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 09:01

@Bert and you think it's just Harvey who has assaulted actresses?! Im sure there are many others in positions of power in film and TV who have done what he has. So let's just never watch anything again yeah?

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 09:02

@humps haha your posts are highly comical. Thanks for giving me and my OH a good laugh Grin

BertrandRussell · 02/12/2017 09:03

Great, point me to some free ethical porn. I'll wait.

Humpsfor20yards · 02/12/2017 09:05

It's not your dh who is in-boxing me, is it?
Someone finds my posts quite the turn-on.
Ho hum!

RagingFemininist · 02/12/2017 09:06

Yep but I’m pretty sure you still wouldnt want one of your dc to be become a porn star (boy or girl).
You wouldn’t tell everyone that this is their job and look at how fantastic it is.
You wouldnt think about how many people are wanking watching them
And you still haven’t explained why you have been looking at ethical porn.
If there is some ethical porn, then there is also some non ethical porn???

Fwiw, I have no issue with anal or BDSM.
For what I have seen online, I’m actually cited more confortable with BDSM than with normal porn. The fact that these woman are actually ok with it and that there is some acre for them is palatable. It’s not in most of other videos though....

And I still have an issue with the fact that it pushes women to do th8ngs they don’t want to do because otherwise they are seen as prude (ethical porn or not for that matter)

Humpsfor20yards · 02/12/2017 09:19

what is going on in the mainstream film industry is profound. The toppling of the misogynist giants will gradually herald a time where women's employment in film opens up and where women's representation in film improves significantly.

The change has taken so long because as we know there are vast swathes of people who don't give a shit about women and who: 'oh so what if he's a rapist, his films are great' or 'so what, if she was abused, I NEED to see something to get aroused'

Bringbeboback · 02/12/2017 09:21

A lot of the videos uploaded on pornhub are made by the production companies Brazzers and Digital Company. You only have to look on their sites to see the strict code of ethics they adhere to. They are two of the biggest companies in the world and make billions. I highly doubt they would risk all of that to show women being assulted!
Some names of porn stars off the top of my head who regularly post videos on places like Pornhub too who make and direct their own videos:
Kelly Madison
Gianna Michaels
Alexis Texas
Tessa fowler
Sypheria
Danni Ashe
Kagney Carter
Milena velba
Daphne Rose
Ashley Ryder
Cassandra
Brandy

They are just the ones off the top of my head. There are loads of others that I have come across on PornHub. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to discover ethical porn. It's really not as uncommon as you seem to think. There are laws in place for a lot of it now. The best way to avoid dodgy stuff is to just not watch amateur porn, and it's fairly obvious what is and isn't amateur by just looking to see if there's a banner at the top of the video