My fiance been lying to me about watching porn

[Evelyn29]

So i have just found out my bf has lied to me over watching porn. I'm kind of upset and confused as to why he watches it? We have a healthy sex life. Although latley he has wanted to try new things in the bedroom..im thinking he's getting ideas from the porn? Also it makes me feel self conscience about myself. I'm a slim girl size 8 blonde hair I wear sexy lingerie for him all the time I send sexy photos and videos when he is on work to keep it spicy. So am i not enough? I just don't understand why he watches it? Id undertand if we never had sex but we do everyday. Am I right to be upset or is this normal for men to do? confused

What should be done about it then?

I'd say that's pretty obvious - stop being a consumer of an industry that abuses women, stop being part of the market because the wellbeing of women is more important than you getting off quicker.

You're on a site where women are regularly told to leave a partner who so much as kisses another woman, but wanking to videos of women being aggressively fucked at best is just dandy... and you don't see the double standards inherent in the consumption of porn? Much of society has come to accept this as just something men do, which is vastly depressing.

It's amazing how many people claim to only watch "ethical porn" in these discussions, and yet that part of the industry is so small as to be almost non-existent. Huh.

Given the research into the effect of porn on the brain, and the parallels with drug use, it seems logical that (at least for some) ethical and non-misogynistic porn can be a gateway to more abusive content. You can't separate "ethical" porn from the rest, it doesn't exist in a separate universe, it's a niche part of a wider industry and given some of the comments here (e.g. Someone's pleasures being more important to them than another person's wellbeing), one or two people supposedly only consuming "ethical porn" doesn't alleviate those concerns.

Why is it just something men do? Every single one of my female friends watches porn regularly.
And I'll see my previous points again - are you going to stop being a consumer of all other industries where bad things occasionally happen too? I won't use the meat trade industry as an example seeing as that was scoffed at so much, but what about the retail industry and the abuse of children and slave labour?
I'll stick by my opinion that unless you live a 100% ethical lifestyle then don't judge anyone who does something you don't personally agree with

The porn industry will never, ever stop. The trillions in taxes the world makes from the industry would be sorely lost too. If you have such a massive problem with it then do something worthwhile like volunteering at a sex crime chairty. Don't just be a keyboard warrior telling people how vile they are for consuming something that the majority of the world consume too. It won't change anything

"And I'll see my previous points again - are you going to stop being a consumer of all other industries where bad things occasionally happen too?"

And as I said before- yes, I do live as ethically as I can.

But I do actually think porn is a special case. Many people can not afford to live as ethically as they would like to- they need to eat and clothe themselves. Nobody needs to watch porn. Anyone could make a massive leap in their ethical "footprint" by just stopping. I cannot understand why anyone who cares about human rights in general and the rights of women in particular doesn't do that,

"Just by choosing to not watch porn isn't going to suddenly end the sex industry and stop sexual abuse."

You could say the same about any other ethical choice. Why bother buying ethically sourced chicken?

You can eat a plant based diet if you want to be ethical. It's cheaper too. And you can boycott the majority of high street shops. Make your own clothes etc. I'm not saying you should do those things as it's an extreme way to live. But no one NEEDS to do anything that can potentially cause harm to others.
I personally think the slave labour of sweat shops with children involved is just as bad (if not worse) than there being a small majority of porn stars who may or may not be getting raped. There will be millions of viewers who only watch videos from the big sites like Brazzers, who stick to a strict code of conduct, and I really can't see your problem with that? They wouldn't be the biggest porn company in the world if they weren't being accessed by the masses would they?
I know it's difficult to get your narrow mind around, but some women actually love being porn stars and feel empowered by it. They aren't all vulnerable drug addicts, living on the bread line and being forced into dangerous situations that they don't want to be involved in. A lot of them are millionaires who love sex so why would they continue if it was so hideous for them every day? You seem to think it's a massive challenge to discover porn that sticks to ethical guidelines. How can you have that opinion when you don't watch it? It's really not difficult at all these days, and the industry keeps changing for the better more and more each year.
Makes me laugh that a lot of you think it's mainly just for men too. There is so much porn out there for men, women, gay men, lesbians etc. Is lesbian porn full of women being violated and raped too?

Sigh. Yes, let's pretend that male violence and male attitude towards women isn't a factor in anything, ever.

Aside from a few (bloody expensive organic) Scandinavian clothing purchases, all of my twins clothes are second hand. Pretty much the same with the vast majority of their toys. I live as ethically as I can afford, but let's not pretend that consuming porn is the same as needing to feed and clothe ones family on whatever budget you have. You are massively privileged if you think ethical food and clothing are accessible to all and, unlike porn, food and clothes are basic necessities. The fact that you're even attempting to compare these things to consuming porn is frankly laughable. No one needs porn. No one. The fact you keep banging on about it being such an enormous industry isn't making the point you think it's making. The mass abuse of women's bodies for profit isn't a positive thing FFS.

I have two babies, one with a serious illness, and two progressive and debilitating illnesses myself. What do you propose I do about the problem of porn precisely, besides not consume it and protesting it when I can, and attempting to raise my sons not to be misogynists?

You can deflect all you want but you can't argue that porn is essential because it isn't, some here have been honest enough to admit their consumption of porn is utterly selfish, which is preferable to this sanctimonious freedom of activity bullshit.

You can't say eating and dressing yourself ethically isn't available to everyone in the western world who isn't homeless. It's much cheaper to eat a plant based diet of things like lentils and veg than it is to eat meat and fish. I eat meat that is killed humanely, and if I could only afford to eat battery chickens etc then I'd just eat a vegetarian diet.

Same goes for porn - I watch porn that I know that is made ethically. If it was made unavailable and all i could watch was dodgy stuff then I'd not watch any at all.

There must be many others coming round to my mindset, because again, why would the ethical companies like brazzers be making more money than the sites where potentially horrible stuff goes on? More awareness is happening of the dark side of the internet, and there are more laws that these companies have to abide by now to protect all involved

I do wonder if this is an 'age'thing too. Out of interest, are any of you who dont have an issue with it at all over 45?. I am and to be honest Im not so huge on the ethical aspect as I think its a mixed bag , but i feel the OP is perfectly entitled to not expect it to be something that is happening on a regular basis in secret, if she isnt happy with it. Fair enough if lots of you watch it regularly and its all in the open. To be honest, i would rather read a book.

I hope no one have never eaten anything made by Nestle or Chiquita bananas. I bet you all do though.

OP should break up with fiancee because they disagree but I'm guessing her "feminism" consists of nagging him to make a promise he clearly cannot and will not keep, and then acting like a martyr in a few years when she catches him watching porn again.

Just to clarify - the OP is definitely within her rights to not want porn involved in her relationship if she doesn't like it. I do think she'll struggle to find a partner who never, ever watches it and finds it as despicable as she does though. Her OH should definitely have been open about the fact he watches it on occasion as it's not fair to pretend you hate it but secretly don't. The world would be a much easier place to live if everyone could just be open and honest

Maybe he felt he couldn't be open though as the OP would have had a total melt down by the sounds of it

Nope, I eat neither of those things - haven't touched nestle in over 20 years (I was a very principled teenager too!)

Again this deflection is bullshit, but to humour you - accessibility isn't just about finances. It's about knowledge, education, upbringing and time. But all this is irrelevant because you cannot compare feeding your children to having a porn-assisted wank. It's utterly disingenuous and borderline gross to compare the two.

Completely "legal" porn is still frequently abusive, or just downright misogynistic. Do you honestly believe that porn presents women and their role in sex favourably? Do you honestly think that exposure to this from a young age is not harmful, really? Like I said before, I occasionally work with young people in situations where this stuff comes up and their attitudes and beliefs about sex and what's required of them are completely different to 20 years ago and.not in a good way. But sure, keep lying to yourself so you can have a nice orgasm.

Eating chocolate is necessary to "feed your children"? Who knew?

OP should leave her partner but she won't. She'll just try and insist he stops and then will end up on mumsnet bragging in 10 years about how her Nigel "never watches porn". He used to but they had a "conversation" about how bad it was and he totally agreed and hasn't looked at any in 10 years!

Sure, Jan!

"I hope no one have never eaten anything made by Nestle or Chiquita bananas. I bet you all do though. "
I don't.

"Same goes for porn - I watch porn that I know that is made ethically."

I'm still interested in how you know it's ethical. Do you just take the word of the producers? A lot of products are marketed as ethical but turn out on closer investigation not to be........

Oh for gods sake - so we shouldn't believe anything that's marketed as being ethical then? I don't particularly want to live my life with such paranoia, but you crack on

BertrandRussell

The OP's fiancee watches porn. Do you agree that he's unlikely to change and she should leave him? If she chooses not to, she's consenting to a relationship in which porn is going to be watched. He's not going to stop.

I'm sure the OP's issue isn't even with her husband watching porn that may or may not be ethical.
It's much more likely to be because she wants to control him from not wanking over beautiful naked women. I'm sure that's why so many women have issues with their partners using it, not because someone somewhere might be getting sexually assulted. Any friends I've had who have had an issue with it have openly admitted it makes them jealous, not because of ethics!

"Oh for gods sake - so we shouldn't believe anything that's marketed as being ethical then?" Well, I'm a bit sceptical, and I would be even more sceptical in an inherently dodgy business like porn. So when you say "ethical" you mean the sort of porn where at the end you see the women sitting on the bed in dressing gowns saying what a good time they'be had?

Jealous? Good no I’m not jealous of any of the women I can see on porn.
They look out of it, in pain or not wanting to be there.
They are used to have a wank with no interest in their own pleasure.
Often the sound doesn’t match the film (which then makes me wonder what sort of sound the woman was actually making)

Gosh. Nope sorry but jealousy is the last thing I have in mind. Nor would I ever dream to have a partner treating me like this

I am wondering though why this idea that women have to jealous of those ‘beautiful women’ you see on Porn films....
They are not beautiful sorry. They might be slim enough, sometimes with a boob job.
But so stunningly beautiful that one would get jealous? Nope. More like the neighbours next door really.

And of course, I’m not even talking about the men.
A lot of them seem to have some sort of belly pot, massive tatoos or huge muscles from the gym (none of which are appealing to me)...

Which actually makes me wonder.
Why is it that men aren’t jealous of those beautiful, god like creatures called men in those videos?
They seem to be able to cope with it.
So why would women not be able to do so anyway??

"First person to say jealous loses the argument........! ".

You lose, pro porn people!