Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Few people are completely immune to the corrupting influence of power and Prestige... In my opinion

But I do agree that some people have a very low threshold 😄

bubbles thx for posting that. A lot of what you said resonated with me, I'm so glad to hear a happy ending!

Make sure you leave a believable length of time between posting and agreeing with yourself teens grin
What??? I can assure you I and window are different posters...

My kids certainly ambitious and highachieving ,older one has a promising sporting career and little one is doing great academically.
So are mine (though not in sports), and I'm only a sahm. Irrelevant really, and not the point being made, I think.
It was a comment in context of It seems the norm now to put career first but at what cost to dcs? All I'm trying to say that children of working mothers can and will grow up to be adequate,happy and fully functioning members of society.

Wow, this is one hell of a thread derail. Yes, of course there are careers where parents can be both successful and 50:50, there are also plenty of careers where it's not possible... I'm in one - if I want to get to the top then DH will have to limit his career at some point. We've not made that decision yet. There's a hell of a lot of misogyny on here (it is NOT the fault of SAHMs if their husbands are sexist!).

Actually looking at the OP... Fitbit whether you work, volunteer etc is irrelevant - you are deserving of your husband's respect. I've had slightly similar, with a military partner - I had to very specifically state that he might be used to giving orders, but he was going to have to learn to be a different person inside and outside of work.

Sorry, I don't have much in the way of advice on how to make him change, but I wanted to back you up! I do have some thoughts on counselling, but they're outing so I'll pm you.

Well said callmecaptain. Absolutely agree that in some careers its not always possible for both parents to be successful and 50:50. There is also an enormous amount of misogyny in some of the comments. Even if the OP had maintained her career, I imagine its highly unlikely her OH would be treating her any differently. His success has obviously gone to his head. That's HIS issue, not hers.

On this one, I am with Cheryl Sandberg.. If you're working, give it your all and demand equality with your partner. If you're not working, find your passion - painting, gym, voluntary work - and live your passion.

I have managed many new mums and dads in a high stress environment. There are two patterns: 1) parents share the childcare, collections etc. and 2) the man's job is prioritised as more important.. In one case, two women had DHs doing the same jobs, but one needed his wife to step back to support him! The more equality there was, the better the woman did at work and these marriages seemed more successful overall.

OP - it doesn't sound great tbh. Can you try to carve out DC/DH time by going away a bit, or starting up a night class that he has to cover? He needs to bond with the family again..

“Finding your passion” won’t help address the core problem if the problem is that you’re living with a big headed, disrespectful tosser.

I know a fair few WoH and SAH Ms in that position and despise the loser men.

DH shares parenting and domestics It probably means we’re both disadvantaged at work, me much more than him IMO, as he works much longer hours and has less of the “mental load”, but at least we both spend time with the DC.

So many people thinking that if you stay at home, run the household and do the lion's share of childcare and parenting, then your partner is likely and maybe even right to look down on you, not seeing you as an equal. What a low opinion they must have of men and women.

One of the problems with the "just go back to work and that will fix it" logic is that it ignores the key problem that it was being promoted that caused the man to be an arse in the first place. Simply having a job or career doesn't mean that someone who sees themselves as "successful" will also see you as being at the same level as them.

My career was in a helping field in the non-profit sector. Working full time (which in my field is easily 60 hours a week), I make less than one tenth of the salary my DH now does. If my DH were capable of only respecting people based on income, then I would always, always be screwed. If I were also still expected to do handle everything at home when he does required work travel (even if he were trying to do half when he is in town) then I would be screwed again because in our case, there isn't a way to make it 50:50 because he isn't here half the time.

For many people married to someone who is high achieving, it's a similar setup. One person's success or income or prestige is vastly higher than the other's. Therefore, if the person who is on the higher end thinks this makes them special, there really isn't anything the person who is a lower earner can do to fix that.

My marriage survived this, but it sure as heck wasn't because I added fulltime work on top of everything else. It's because I told my DH to pull his head out of is ass and treat me well, and he did. There wasn't anything I could do to fix. He had to stop acting like a pig.

Fitbit how do you feel about yourself and your life? If you are happy and fulfilled as you are, then you do just have a DH problem. In which case the only answer is the usual marriage counselling. etc Its good to know there are some success stories on this thread of couples who have turned this around.

If you aren't happy and fulfilled, and your DH's attitude is actually mirroring your own feelings then doing something different in your own life, finding a new passion etc, could really help you. I know you said you tried volunteering and it wasn't for you but that doesn't mean there is nothing else out there that you would enjoy and be fulfilled by. This is not about doing something to impress your DH, its about doing something that you genuinely find rewarding for its own sake.

I think you have to weigh things up. Perhaps look for the job of your dreams and then take it and make it clear that if you're not allowed to take it, not supported to take it, then you will take it as a single parent dividing the childcared 50:50

That'd take the wind out of these entitled men's sails

charis and how is that going to work when he's working away again? It's not a matter of demanding 50/50 or walking.

Well Im a single parent and I work ft and my dc arent quiiite old enough for me to be happy leaving them every afternoon. Can you pay for childminder out of joint a/c?
If you are prepared to walk because he won't consider your right to equal consideration, then you have some power to change things. If you're starting position is that you cannot leave "just" because he's too selfish to meet you 15 miles short of half way, then you have no power to make him change. Why would he?

Op, I would recommend reading a books by Patricia Evans, especially the "verbally abusive relationship".It deals with powershifts and how to respond.

You maybe able to call a halt to his behaviour.I am going through a divorce as ex went through a massive change when he joined a new company and his earnings increased 4x.Essentially he became narcissistic.
I believe the roots lay in his childhood and that is why some men can pull through and others can't.
It is nothing to do with you.I worked.

Window, I was rarely ever home before 7:30pm and ex worked away on a regular basis.
What do you do when you both HAVE to be away for a week and no family to help? Most corporates won't allow you to miss travel..this was a real life scenario.
Similarly, have you ever had a child who is poorly for a reasonable period of time so that holidays don't cover it?

I have advised my daughters to go into more family friendly careers, my maths focussed daughter may work in academia , glad to hear it and it offers family balance.

Hermione, yes! Academia is a great career for work-life balance. Although we work long hours, they are extremely flexible hours. I think that's a good recommendation for your DD.

window 9-5 + 2 hours at night is not considered long hours in the private sector at all and not everyone is suited to academia.

Just confirming that your experience is very narrow and specific and not suitable for your "go girl" advice.

then you have no power to make him change. Why would he?

Because he loves her, values the relationship, wants to stay a family. Because she is the mother of his children, and she is doing a beautiful job raising them. Because they have so much history on each other, share so many memories. Because he knows that she picked him before he made so much money, and that any other woman he is with for the rest of the life might just want his money. Because she's always been there for him and supported him, and he knows that he can count on her. Because he cannot imagine his life with out her, and he wants to grow old with her.

I have no bargaining power, and my DH changed. A lot of the advice on this thread shows zero understanding of the problem. It isn't about working vs not working. It isn't about finding the dream job. It isn't about a woman making herself "interesting" enough. It isn't about what % of the child rearing / house hold tasks each person does and keep careful track of that and fighting about it.

It is about whether or not a man can take heed of a wake up call that he can't keep treating the love of his life like a piece of shit and stayed married to her.

I have very much enjoyed your posts on this thread Coyote.

Me too. That was lovely

I hope a gold star isn't meant ironically in any way on mn, I never knew what a biscuit was for ages!

Coyote you’ve articulated what I was trying to find a way to say incredibly well, thank you.

A lot of posts and posters seem to have a very transactional view of relationships - according a certain status and worth to various tasks and jobs etc. But fundamentally, love and respect shouldn’t stem from game theoretic explanations of who brings what material goods to the table. And getting respect from one’s partner shouldn’t be tied to a salary or external adulation. So much of the advice telling the OP and women in general to up their external valuation to secure a partner’s respect seems inherently patriarchal and quite sad to me.

(By all means have a fabulous career because you want to - but not so that men will continue to find you interesting and not leave you for a younger “model”).

Thank you @nowt, @fitbitironic and @ZaphodBeeblerox

I think that a transactional view of relationships is very unstable. It's based on each person's bargaining power, so when life happens and one person's bargaining power changes, the relationship is in jeopardy. It can happen from a positive event like career success, or a negative event such as a serious illness. Because change is the nature of life, it means that the entire marriage is a house of cards waiting to fall down.

I think that marriages have to transition from that kind of thinking in order to last long term.

I wish that I didn't know so much about this. I wish this wasn't my story. But I do hope that sharing what we eventually figured out can help someone else.

I agree with coyote
I was sad to read the woman bashing that inevitably comes through in this threads
The "if you are a sahm you are worthless" and the "if you work full time you are a crap parent"
Coyote has it right that respect in a partnership should transcend the work/no work dynamic, especially as within a lifetime you will face redundancy, illness, problems etc