Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Why oh why do goadyfuckers have to come on threads like these bashing SAHM.
The fact is, some careers demand exceptionally long hours. Some families make the decision that two careers like this are not in the best interests of their dcs, because they want a parent to be around to actually see their dcs and because just gaining extra £££ is not their main aim in life.
If it works for you, then fine. I wonder how many have difficult teens to cope with, ageing parents, SN and so on. A lot of lone parents undoubtedly find the pressure of a FT career and dcs incredibly hard to bear. They do it because they have to. Others don't have to and that's not the choice they make.
It seems the norm now to put career first but at what cost to dcs? I have friends who SAHM because both parents worked and they didn't see them and don't want to bring their dcs up like that. I also have friends who WOHM and then got made redundant when dcs were late teens and felt it was all a bit of a waste. All the smugness often goes out the window later in life.
It's not everyone's choice and we should respect each other's choices.
OP I did have the experience you are having. Your dh would likely be the same irrespective of your own career path.

A lot of lone parents undoubtedly find the pressure of a FT career and dcs incredibly hard to bear. They do it because they have to. Others don't have to and that's not the choice they make.
Aren't you a goadyfucker yourself love?
Even single parents have choice to stay on benefits..it really depends on personality,ambitions and strenth of character.

@hattyhighlighter do you mind me asking if you're still together? Or did he throw you over for the more interesting model, as seems disturbingly common?

fit yes chucked away for a younger model, sorry to say.

I'm a lone parent teens and work p/t. All I'm saying is that none of these choices are easy. I know all lone parents don't work FT. For those who do, it is incredibly hard is all I'm saying.

It seems the norm now to put career first but at what cost to dcs?
There's no cost to dcs,the dcs grow up with parents that develop themselves,contribute to society,respected and successful.
Kids pick up on that and grow up similar
My kids certainly ambitious and highachieving ,older one has a promising sporting career and little one is doing great academically.

My kids certainly ambitious and highachieving ,older one has a promising sporting career and little one is doing great academically.
So are mine (though not in sports), and I'm only a sahm. Irrelevant really, and not the point being made, I think.

Personally, I don't have a lot of sympathy for mothers who claim that they have no choice but not to work because of their husband's job as I believe that the reality is that many are happy not to work. I don't have an issue with SAHMs at all, if it works for everyone, then of course why not take the opportunity, but chosing to be a SAHM but I don't buy the 'I'm a SAHM because I am totally dedicated to my husband's career which he wouldn't have if I hadn't sacrifice mine for his'.

^ This

There's no cost to dcs,the dcs grow up with parents that develop themselves,contribute to society,respected and successful. Kids pick up on that and grow up similar

^ And this

Fitbit, so if you have a daughter, would you encourage her to be a high achiever like you...until she got married, and then give up her career for her husband's? Don't you worry about the example you are setting? Though maybe you only have sons.

how did I know you'd be back window? Make sure you leave a believable length of time between posting and agreeing with yourself teens

Just back for a bit more goading, I see. I've already told DD not to give up work, but then again I'll be encouraging her to stay away from certain professions and potential dh in them. So you can rack off with your 'worry about the example I'm setting', thx. At least I'm able to accept and understand how other ppls circumstances differ and how this affects their choices.
Any comments on the original op, or are you just here for further derailment and goady fuckery?

swing and windows - what is your objective here? Surely by now you already feel smug enough in your choices. Clearly your advice to the OP is at best 10 years too late even if it was relevant and applicable. So what is the point you are hammering home? That your choices are so much better than others? Good for you! I hope you’re happy with them.

What more do you want? Other than going on to bash people who’ve made different choices in fairly nasty terms?

There seems to be this trend of assuming your experiences must translate universally - just because this worked for you the OP is clearly wrong in not following your path. (Rather similar to what you were doing on the stepmum thread too swing). Does it feel good to bash someone for their choices and feel superior in the process?

Anyway, OP I hope you take back the power in your relationship - get your ducks in a row, and perhaps even the confidence of knowing you can leave is enough to jolt your husband. Otherwise it’s his loss, and I hope you look forward to what will bring you fulfilment in the next phase of your life, rather than pandering more to his career objectives.

It seems a shame for the OP that this thread has turned into a load of smug comments like - you should have had your own career and then you wouldn't be in this situation. Great advice but that is a decision OP made years ago and we have no idea of the full detail.

Possibly it would be more supportive to give advice on what she can do going forward?

It would be grey if the corporate environment was more family friendly. It isn't and the best we can all do is try to push this agenda in out own fields. I can continue my career as my DH is willing and able to give 50% to the running of our family and household. It is hard for both of us but we are doing what we think is best - OP did the same...what she thought was best, at that time...quite a while ago. My DH could trade me in for a younger model, I could trade him in, no one knows.

we should support each other not bash each other?!!

Zaphod - completely agree with you! X

Why am I surprised that a thread about the superior, disregarding attitude of a husband to his wife, is all* about the woman and blithely accepting of his assessment of her worth, instead of concentrating on his dickish behaviour. Fuck. That.

• Never mind that the arrogance could just as easily been from higher earner to lower earner. This pay grade one-upmanship happens in friendships of both sexes and is not some unheard of phenomenon.

By all, I mean the dominant vocal theme. Enough to be derailed by it.

I feel I have been quite future-focussed, encouraging the OP to know that it's not too late, and that she can still have a career. I haven't done this because I think SAHM's aren't worthwhile, but rather based on how upset the OP says she is with her current life situation. I wanted her (and others who seem so disbelieving) to know that having two careers in a family is of course possible. It's been really depressing reading the constant excuses and insistance that it's almost impossible for women with children to have careers. That is just plain wrong. If you want it, OP, go for it!

Again, all you have done is refer the OP to choices you made 15-20 years ago and because they have worked out for you, you’re “cheering” her to do what exactly? Give her DH a personality transplant to make him like yours? Time travel? Give back the kids?

It would make sense if someone who kickstarted a career at 40 came on to give OP advice about how she did it. And many others are giving advice about how they either salvaged these relationships or left the men in question and what they did next. But your posts are not focused on the future - they’re firmly rooted in what you managed to achieve in the past few decades and bashing on the OP for not making the same choices. I imagine you think this is useful in some way to the OP or to others - but I’m struggling to see how someone who claims to be so well educated is so dense. I mean, even the male senior academics in my STEM field have more empathy when it comes to engaging with colleagues on balancing work with caring responsibilities etc.

Window your tone is unbelievably patronising. Do you realise that?

There's patronising, and then there's window, who's in another league altogether. and who's career is taking a back seat this morning

Ignoring the thread derail
OP its time to start being more selfish and shake things up in your own life. What can you change about your life that will make YOU happy? Leave aside for the moment what your DH can do. (as he probably won't).
Would you be interested in volunteering, doing an adult ed course, joining a Meetup group, doing a new sport? Or retraining for a new job- but I wouldn't fixate on this right now. It can be big or small. you may need to try out a few things to see what you really want to do.
You obvs need to sort things with your DH. But for your own sake you also need passions of your own. Whether or not your marriage makes it, they will stand you in good stead. You never know where they may take you. But you have to put yourself out there a bit. If your DH is such a high earner, can you afford a cleaner or a bit of childcare to free up your time a bit?
From my own experience I know lots of women who have given up "corporate" jobs after kids. There are loads of other options and its not the case that the OP only has two choices- to go back to her old career or do nothing. Some have gone self-employed as eg a beauty therapist, photographer etc. One did an OU degree and completely retrained. One has set up a charity. If the OP says she isn't going back to her old job, can we just believe her?

chiara, thx for you input - a lot of that I've already tried (volunteering etc) and long term it didn't feel that worthwhile overall, I think because it doesn't come with any demonstrable achievement. I think a pp said something about her dh finding her activities cute or something... Yes, but not really of much interest or value. Freeing up time (cleaner etc) isn't really an issue so much as finding something which works within the constraints of dh job and dc/school.
That's not really the issue either. The real point is feeling undervalued by dh, which has grown worse as he's progressed in his (facilitated) career. I do feel he has more respect for colleagues (and possibly other women who have managed to get back to work). The problem doesn't change though. I mentioned I've had small amounts of work at home, which is v full on and time intensive - during this time (if he's in the country!) he'll make dinner if home early, and put DC to bed, iron a few clothes, but I'll do laundry first thing, food shop, school stuff, everything else... And the cleaning is left until I get round to it. So it's not a 50/50 situation even at the best of times, and to me this is still an issue of respect. It's only recently he's started putting bins out and dishwasher on without having to be asked.

So getting a job isn't the answer some ppl have been suggesting.

Hi Fibitronic, I feel for your situation. Its very difficult to know what to do. I also agree that getting a job isn't necessarily the answer and in practice it will probably add more friction to the marriage, since he will no doubt miss having someone to run the house. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't work.

And, I'm not sure whatever you do will really change your H's behaviour since I imagine that his apparent lack of respect comes from his overinflated self of worth which is coming from his work success. (I would also say that in my ex's situation when he became successful, he started to believe that he was God's gift to women and became extremely entitled and it didn't really help by women of a certain type fawning over him).

Personally, I think whatever you do and however you behave he is still likely to behave the same. This is because this is HIS problem and HIS attitude and nothing to do with what you are or aren't doing.

I would strongly second Chiara's advice. Additionally, I would see a family lawyer. Not with a view to divorcing your husband, nor because I think your marriage is necessarily in problems. But because SAHMs (even of high earners, unless he has millions) really need to protect themselves financially these days due to the way that the Courts are going. This will be especially true if your husband is income rich but relatively asset poor.

Well my mum set a wonderful example for me of how you love and care for your kids and are there for them all the time.
She was there every step of the way with all our schooling, activities etc....
Hardly left our sides for most of our childhoods.
She is the best example of a good mother you could ever wish to meet.
And I'm thankful to her every day (even though I'm nearing 50) for being there for us.
She never went off in the morning and left us with people we didn't know. She was always there when we got home from school.
She loved being a mother.
Not everyone wants or needs a high flying career.
And holding that as an example to set your kids - well it's not really is it.

It depends on the career though doesn’t it. My DD is a barrister, self employed and working all hours and that usually includes a Sunday to prep for the Monday. I cannot imagine when she would actually see children should she ever have them. Something would have to change! She is very keen to do well and as I have not worked for years, she has her own determination which is not dependent on me. She knows I fully support her in her career.

Back to the original post: my DH became hugely superior and dismissive of me and other friends as his business became more and more successful. I continued to stay at home because the thought of juggling everything with a non interested DH just wasn’t worth it.

I think the idea that women are only defined by what paid work they do is offensive. My friends who didn’t have children continually thought I should work but had no idea how difficult that would have been regarding the hours my job entailed. Even when I did part time evening work every so often, DH would be late back and I had to drive like fury to get to where I was supposed to be on time. It became stressful. He really did not care about me and business came first. It always did with childcare and he was never available so had the children been ill it would have been war in our house on a day we were both supposed to be working.

I took the view in the end that just spending his money worked best for me. It has always been shared so I didn’t need to work to get £. We all look at our individual situations and although I worked p/t between child 1 and 2, my financial input was a tiny fraction of his so it wasn’t valued. I was well paid because I returned to work on the same basic salary but pro rata for part time. Few part time workers got what I did. All the chores and chasing about were down to me. I didn’t enjoy it. I mourned for my job when I left it partly for my own money (of which half went on child care) and partly because my personality went with it and definitely self esteem but I did do other things and I didn’t waste my time. I definitely lost my “standing” with working mums and others who were career focussed.

It took friends to point out to my DH that he was changing for the worse and they would like the old DH back. That, and counselling, has made a difference so he did realise in the end he was behaving like a totally entitled shit! There has been a marked improvement.