Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

In my particular case it WASN'T the case that we couldn't both keep our jobs. It was the case that we decided it was better for our WHOLE family that one of us gave up working outside the home.

We made a joint decision. It seems to me the OP made a joint decision with her husband.

He doesn't get to treat her like staff. She's not staff, she's his partner. A bit like a silent business partner, basically.

Window it's fairly clear that you don't see value in looking after the needs of a family - unless that person has been hired and gets an hourly wage.

As for comparing single parents "I worked why can't you?" - SOMEONE has to look after the children and keep the household running. WHOEVER that is deserves respect and acknowledgement for that work and the freedom it gives to the "high flyer". Whether they have an employment contract and wages. Or a marriage certificate.

I agree with teen - OP, you describe your situation as very bad (even that you feel you've wasted your best years on your husband). It's still possible to make changes! That's what I've been trying to say all along! You absolutely can have a career - go get it! I know it may seem scary, but honestly, it's doable. You can only change your own situation.

I'm a single parent to two children, and I work ft but I got in trouble, a concern was raised that I left my youngest alone for 50 minutes a day before eldest got home. I get home to a house in chaos, no homework done, dinner not started, laundry for three, shopping for three, tidying up for three. Single parents do it, but it isn't easy. I'd love somebody at home making it all run smoothly, men are so lucky. If I were a man people 'd be telling me i was a hero and bringing me lasagnes.

Witty I suppose it's because the OP describes her situation as so dire, and she says she's so unhappy and has wasted her life.** That's why I think giving up her career was a big mistake. And why I would encourage her to work again.

I think some other posters and I have just been trying to demonstrate that a woman having a career isn't impossible (I'm quite shocked that this seems to be the consensus here - that women can't possibly work if their husbands do).

Interesting thread.
I’m due back at work - banking in London in Jan following 15 months off from Mat leave. I’ve managed to get 4 days a week. My husband has a “big job” and earns 3ish times what I do (and I’m a higher earner) so it was a tricky decision as to what to do. I am worried about everything mentioned in this thread as we know that I have to pick up the slack on childcare (we are getting a Nanny).

World - you should really give it a rest because you clearly don’t understand the corporate world. I say this having a sister and BIL who are both doctors (consultants) and they manage fine working, using nursery and after school clubs. The hours they work and the demands for their time (and I say time only, nothing abou stress/worthwhileness of their jobs) is nothing compared to what is expected in a large corporate organisation. Sometimes just to keep your job serious commitment is expected. I suspect academia is more like the doctor scenario.

As for comparing single parents "I worked why can't you?" - SOMEONE has to look after the children and keep the household running.
Yes as I said in my first comment, it was extremely important to have a good relationship with my child minder,she never let me down and was /is like a family.
As to keeping household running..I did and still do it myself ,never had a cleaner or a cook. Yes my social life suffered over the weekends as I had to prioritise chores and studies. Surprise surprise I even managed to study towards serious professional qualification to enable my future carrier..

Only read the first couple of pages properly, then skim read the rest as Window's derailing was pissing me off.

OP, I have a friend in your situation and she's so sick of it. I really feel for you. Not sure what the answer is, but as a fellow SAHM you have my sympathies. Also, have you seen this?

unpaid work calculator

It really helped me see how much I'm worth in monetary terms (I'm lucky that my dh still appreciates all I do around the house/for the kids).

window there are no senior jobs in my field where full time is leaving at 5pm or 6pm. I am unhappy about that, it makes me angry. It is largely caused by men like fitbit's H and many other Hs mentioned on here who will devote themselves to the job and leave everything else in their lives to be facilitated by their wives. They are not the best people for the job, they are the good-enoughs willing to devote their lives to the job, delegate the management of their lives to their wives and neglect their children. Men like this are boring and arrogant, on the whole, and they would lose out a great deal if their wives left them.

Your life seems like a reflection of mine. I wish I have real friends like you whom I can talk to and whom understand my frustration.
l do find it easier just being alone with DC than having to deal with DH. Plus everytime I see him, it makes me sad seeing the person he become. There is no point to talk as he won't listen to me and we just end up arguing.
At this rate I might as well be single but I am just not ready to let go...

Something a pp said about one high flyer outearning two middle rankers struck me as interesting.

Has this always been the case, or has increasing inequality actually been making the disparity worse? I mean hasn't the ratio of a CEOs pay to a worker in their company ballooned 1000% since 1950?

Is this driven by, or is it driving that lack of empathy/disconnect seen in senior leaders? How does that feedback, possibly increasing the tendency to make decisions that reduce compensation for those lower in the hierarchy?

@Landy10 congratulations on your little one and good luck with your return to work. One more thing I'll add that hasn't been brought up in this thread is the importance of tending your relationship with your spouse. It's very hard with so many things pulling at you your career, your little one, and holding everything together. Our relationship with our spouse is very easy to put on the back burner when everything else is so intense and at times exhausting, but couples who find a way to still contact and have fun together have a better chance of making it long term. Good luck.

Windowsong, your posts smack of entitlement and a confidence bordering on arrogance. I would wager a guess you come from a very priveleged background and your experience may be the norm in your social circle, but that you are not used to seeing people who do have to make difficult decisions like this and the emotional impact these decisions have.

Given your (very) senior academic position, I am surprised that you are unable to see that your posts continually goad the OP and it is unsuprising that your continued presence creates hostility. The fact that you want an apology seems to be further evidence of your entitled way of thinking. Perhaps a bit of social intelligence would have prevented this from escalating? The understanding that your experience is not everyone else's? That your brazen confidence that your thoughts on the subject should be taken as gospel is misguided?

It seems you either want your opinion to be lauded or you want to engage in a debate. Sometimes people want reassurance, or to hear other people's experiences, or a bit of empathy, not a formal debate.

Given how smashing your life is and how you've got it all sussed, maybe you aren't the best person to give that advice?

OP, I've been through the same thing. Gave up successful career in a good university, coached my partner through interviews, wrote his cv and cover letters and used lots of connections to help him in the path to a very good job. Got the great job and high pay, eventually left me for someone else after talking down to me and giving me the cold shoulder for months. Also turned family and friends against me in his bid to make himself look like a wonderful man who had no choice.

My mum is of the windowsong ilk, still bemoaning that I gave up my job and put on a stone after my son was born because men are attracted to go getters.

I wish I'd left him first. I don't want to spread worry, but a lot of the experiences people wrote on this thread resonated with me, and so I second the advice to get your ducks in order.

If you want to pm me, feel free. X

Mambot critising window choices in life, lack of her social intelligence and brazen confidence but at the end admits her own,much better ,way in life didn't work out,despite her being so socially intelligent,encouraging to DH and now resenting her own mother and her sound comments..

I'm a bit sleep deprived, so I might be missing something?

The OPs husband had turned into a bit of a self important cunt and it is her fault because she is not interesting or ambitious enough because she gave up her career for the good of the family?
Yeesh.

Seems to have turned into the SAHM / WOHM debate once again rather than what the OP asked which is an interesting question and as other PP have said, relates to the "facilitated men" thread. I think in many cases the mother does care more about the children, and some of that may well be socialisation but for whatever reason if the man doesn't step up, then the woman has to - like with Raven's ex. So it isn't a free decision and often those type of men will deride the contribution he has pushed his partner into because if he acknowledges how big a contribution she has made, then he will also have to acknowledge the fact that he stepped back and refused to do it when it came to the crunch.

I would really appreciate an apology then, for questioning the veracity of my career.
You're not getting one. Unless you apologize for insisting that I could go back to my previous career and make it work withy circumstances . As I said before, I didn't say I wouldn't ever go back to work. I said that my previous career was untenable in the circumstances I was in, which were in no way comparable to yours,
which you keep holding up as the standard we should all be able to attain. Yes, if my dh was around to do 50/50 childcare and everything else, I would, without a doubt, still be in my previous career. But he wasn't, and still isn't. . Seems you will not see the distinction between the two completely different situations, so I'll give up trying to explain. You also seem to enjoy picking a fight, which I'm not interested in either.
Well done for completely derailing the thread though. Thanks. Good job. May I suggest starting your own thread if you want to continue belittling sahm who couldn't continue in their (often successful and professional ) career because of incompatibility with dh/family life?

Teens and future, back at you. My post is an admission of my mistakes and similar experience, not twenty odd posts about how great my life is, how I've got it all right and 'why don't you try it my way'. No criticism of choices, only the assumption by windowsong that the everyone gets to make those choices. Nothing about my life being better either.

You seem a bit goady/touchy yourself with your rewriting of what people say in order to get a reaction, and suspect the next comment of yours to be something along the lines of 'if you don't want to hear other opinions /can't stand to be called out etc etc, why post...' so I'll bow out as I do need to save my energy for important stuff.

Good luck OP, hope things get sorted x

There's a bit of an Icarus theme going on with these men
Get carried away
fly too close to the sun
wings melt and you crash

Blimey. It looks like OP's DH isn't the only one sounding completely insufferable on this thread. The most interesting thing I've found on here is that article on power changing the brain and destroying empathy. Who was it that said 'Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely'?

I think a (preferably bloodless) coup may be in order.

Landy10
Why are you "picking up the slack on childcare"? Does this mean that you are paying for the Nanny and your DH is not contributing?
your job was a SAHM and now you are returning to WOHM, Why is your DH not paying at least half the childcare costs for your joint child.
Does he pay every other bill in the house too, or will you be expected to contribute, leaving you with much less disposable income than him...?

GoingRogue thx for the link . I checked it out and will have a precise amount to hit him with next time he (jokingly?) asks me if I want him to pay me a wage...

Cazz81 me too

Thx mambot it never occurred to me before that I would ever need to, but I think I will be taking those ducks into consideration...

Years ago my ExH started his own company, it grew and grew and as it did he changed. Not insufferable but work became his passion. The more praise he got at work the more he seemed to crave it. Sold company, made lots of money - que younger model from work.

A 25 year marriage and two fantastic children traded in for this younger model. There's no fool like an old fool. It's sad to see the man I knew and married turn in to what he is now - unrecognisable. Glad I'm out of it - kids and I happy.

OP sounds like you still have a chance to save your marriage - at least you might get the chance to try. Good luck X

@octonaught of course costs are shared. That would be weird off you go back to work but you can pay for the Nanny! Eh who would do that!

Fitbit, you are very defensive. All window was saying was that if you felt that going back to working, career-wise or not, could help your marriage, then it's not something that's impossible and I agree with her. I have many friends who work full-time with kids and manage just fine. My best friend has 4 kids, works in banking, her husband has a job that takes him abroad regularly, no parents to help on either sides, and she has gone back to work FT after each child. She has a nanny and relies on her. Giving up her career wasn't an option for her. I myself worked FT as a single mum when my kids were 3 and 1 and got no help from my parents who leave abroad, nor my ex who was only a Saturday afternoon dad. Again, it was tough, exhausting, but possible.

The point is that either you say it clear that you don't want to consider going back to work at this point of time and your husband should accept this and be happy with it, or you think that it could help and you'd be prepared to consider it, but would need support on how to go about it.

Personally, I don't have a lot of sympathy for mothers who claim that they have no choice but not to work because of their husband's job as I believe that the reality is that many are happy not to work. I don't have an issue with SAHMs at all, if it works for everyone, then of course why not take the opportunity, but chosing to be a SAHM but I don't buy the 'I'm a SAHM because I am totally dedicated to my husband's career which he wouldn't have if I hadn't sacrifice mine for his'.

Personally, I don't have a lot of sympathy for mothers who claim that they have no choice but not to work because of their husband's job
Take a look back at my posts swing. At no point did I say I would never work again (I do manage a bit of wah, as stated), however the crux of my comments regarding giving up my career, after trying it part time with dh away and no support, was that that career was untenable in that situation, at that time. And windows kept telling me that I could have done it all and stayed in that career.
No. I. Couldn't.

That's irrelevant to my op anyway, do you have any opinions on that, swing?