Anyone else's dh got more insufferable the more successful they get at work?

[Fitbitironic]

Dh is in a quite well respected and high powered position at work. It means a lot of time away from us (dw+dc) and I knew that would potentially cause problems when he first started on that path, but he went ahead anyway.
He just seems to get more arrogant, self importance and dismissive every year. He gets promoted regularly and has many ppl working under him, so don't think he gets disagreed with often. He's never wrong, and it's like ww3 if I ever try to get him to see when he is wrong about anything (factual, not just my opinion). Tbh, I often feel like he just does his own thing and keeps me around as an unpaid PA/maid etc. Less respected than the women on his level at work. Who are infinitely more interesting, well presented and impressive all round. (I'm a sahm who used to have a good career... )
He didn't use to be like this. He actually used to buy flowers without prompting, be happy to take DC out himself, suggest things for us to do, and I could actually have a discussion without it turning into an argument. Now it really does feel like he thinks he's better and knows better than me (and my parents and siblings)! Needless to say, his parents think the sun shines out of his backside, as they don't get the same treatment and are forever singing his praises. When he speaks to them he mentions things he does for the family, but not anything I do, it's obv they think I'm a loser in comparison from what they say.
I've previously told him I'm proud of him, but don't feel the same anymore because of the effects it's having on us. Anyone else have/had this? Is there any way back from it?

Thank you, Coyote, that was very moving and also really useful. I hope it's something that all of us can reflect on.

It isn't about working vs not working. It isn't about finding the dream job. It isn't about a woman making herself "interesting" enough. It isn't about what % of the child rearing / house hold tasks each person does and keep careful track of that and fighting about it

Totally agree with this and I never wrote that OP should be working to save her marriage even though that is clearly how people interpreted my post.

It is about whether or not a man can take heed of a wake up call that he can't keep treating the love of his life like a piece of shit and stayed married to her.
However I don't agree with this. OP sees that her husband has changed dramatically in a bad way, however, we don't know what he sees. Maybe he too sees that OP has changed a lot, and not in a good way either. Relationship and people evolve all the time. Sometimes by choice and sometimes not. What matters is that people evolve together and to do so, they need to communicate all the time rather than evolve in their own direction and then brew resentment that the other has changed in a way that is prejudicing them.

I think the best post here was whoever ask OP whether she was happy with herself and that if she is, she should be happy with herself, with her OH or without. However, if she isn't happy with who she is, then this is what she should be focusing on.

OP, I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It is something I have noticed about high-flying men. They may well be high achievers, but they are often utter fools. A person who doesn’t get it that you cannot attach a price tag to things in life that truly matter, is an idiot. These things include your children and your partner (and the time of your life). Your partnership and your relationship with your children is completely outside and beyond monetary field. A bloke who can’t fathom this is a fool. In this case a self-absorbed one.

OP, you can see the examples on this thread of men who realised the above (with a bit of help from the spouse or circumstances) and pulled their head out of their arse. Some are so far gone through they are unable to notice their heads are in their arses. Well, actually same as some female posters on this thread who only seem to measure success by how much money you are making in your job. They haven’t even got the self-awareness to see they have been facilitated and important areas of their lives have been picked up by other people (paid or not).

My advice is do what Coyote did. Sort yourself out and give your DH a chance to put right the error of his ways ( you have done nothing wrong here, let’s be clear). If he won’t, be ready to walk away. Indeed, you will only be preemptying the eventual demise anyway. The way he is going, he will ditch you when he is ready while you won’t be prepared for it.

swing and if I was happy with myself previously, but now because of the way I feel he considers me I have become less so? If someone dismisses your opinions long enough you're going to believe they don't think you are worth listening to, and if they don't, why would anyone else? And I have been (gently) told about getting back to work in the past (and not so gently by fil), if there was an position which suited me, ie not just menial drudgery, and didn't make life much much harder, I would be in it already.

As a point of interest, dh let on that he'd found and read this thread yesterday. He said I'd missed out the fact that he'd given up his job and we moved abroad because I wanted to be closer to my family (and DC could actually see gp and cousins). Yes, after 20 yes of everything to his advantage. He's in the exact same job as before, even sometimes sees the exact same ppl he worked with before. Everything else is as I stated.
Wrt help from him in the family, he worked it out yesterday and told me he would have only had the flexibility to help with ill kids etc nine months out of the past nine years. And he wonders why I want him to be more accommodating when he is around. Only one short family break arranged by him over that time, and only because I insisted he do it. He certainly has had more free time than me while away over the years, as I have the dc, so it grates that he doesn't consider us more when he's around. That does seem a little self absorbed.

And also feels like banging my head against a brick wall, as he tries to counter everything and can't just accept that he has ultimately had the best out of these years so far.

The fact he refuses to even try and see it from your point of view is so hurtful I would feel so unappreciated and unloved

Your last post is long and complicated, but with your H for reading your thread.

When in relation to having DC and you stopping paid work did you move countries?

Your H’s view that he simply couldn’t have shared the parenting because his work was insufficiently flexible is classic. Working mothers and fathers (whether with WoH or SAH wives) who share the parenting (like my DH) have to manage it!

Insidious of your family to suggest you return to paid work without your H changing his work arrangements to enable this. Cos there’re SO many great jobs one can get after a career break that one can do whilst also doing almost all the drop offs and pick ups - NOT!

If you’re still reading OP’s H: have a read of the “facilitated men” threads - you’re a prime example! And give your head a wobble.

"He said I'd missed out the fact that he'd given up his job and we moved abroad because I wanted to be closer to my family (and DC could actually see gp and cousins). Yes, after 20 yes of everything to his advantage. He's in the exact same job as before, even sometimes sees the exact same ppl he worked with before."

1. I think it's possible that our DHs work in the same industry. I'm amazed at some of our crazy moves that have resulted him working on the same basic thing with many of the same people. How many industries can be like this? It's nuts.

1. You might point out to him that he cannot argue his way into you being happy with the marriage. It doesn't work that way. Unless he wants to end up divorced like many of the men he knows, he actually needs to try to see things from your point of view. Your marriage is on the rocks, and could easily end up as separate households where he just writes a check once month. He can even go back to where ever he was living and see his kids once or twice year. If he is in the same industry as my DH, I'm sure he knows plenty of men who live like that. That's what's on the line, and arguing with you won't fix any of it.

1. Get your ducks in a row. Make an exit plan. We cannot control the person we are married to, but we do decide whether or not to stay married. Having ducks in a row and having an exit plan make it much easier to think clearly about whether or not to end it.

BTW -- moving to where you have a support network was brilliant. That is one big duck to start the row right there.

1. Check out "Why Does He Do That" by Bancroft (or similar book). I think that it is possible for a person to get a big head and then adjust, but I also think its possible for a person to get a big head and then slide right into being emotionally abusive. Highlight the parts that relate to your marriage to get more clarity. They fact that he doesn't not care even a tiny little bit about how you feel is very, very significant.

dozer the move came years after me struggling to continue my career with young DC and him working away. Have managed a few months worth of non career work each year, but its difficult because it's obviously affected by him being away.

coyote that's quite possible, and some things you have posted at times have def rung true. Interesting to see your POV from someone in the know, so to speak. I think he's slowly getting it, but it's a seemingly constant battle against his set ways. (His dad has been an issue from the start, I think. )

coyote, I didn't say anything about a job per se, I agree with you of course but you can't make somebody selfish be less selfish, if the problem is that they are SELFISH then they don't want to relinquish rights and privileges.

So a woman shouldn't need 'bargaining power' but the reality is without it you could have five years of trying to make him see, trying to negotiate, trying to appeal to his better nature, just phrasing it a better clearer way so he'll finally finally finally GET IT. He won't get it if he doesn't want to.

Fitbit, I am in a similar position to you but thank goodness DH is not too insufferable, mainly because some couples close to us have got in trouble because of fuckwit behaviour and it's not been pretty to watch, and we have long discussions about how easy it can be for marriages (ours) to come under strain as our lives progress.

I think the crux of it might be that he is becoming different to you, and your paths are diverging. He feels that he is progressing, you feel left behind.

I would suggest finding a common interest, or thing you both do so you can both reconnect. Family life is not the same as couple time. See if he will make time for you, if not then get your ducks in a row.

DH is not too insufferable, mainly because some couples close to us have got in trouble because of fuckwit behaviour and it's not been pretty to watch

having colleagues come home from a business trip to discover their wives moved out while they were gone, watching his friends go through divorces, comforting a friend after he put his little girl on a trans-Atlantic flight back to her mother, and so on are the things that help keep my DH in-line.

They want to think they are entitled, but nobody is entitled to having a wife and children waiting for them.

@CharisMama -- it not my advice that a woman should put up with this nonsense indefinitely while saying that she won't put up with it. It is my advice that she should get her ducks in a row and work on an exit plan while being clear with her husband that he has to treat her how she wants to be treated.

For example, there is a difference between deciding to train for a new career because it would pave the way for you to be self supporting and you think you might like it, and training for a new career because you think if you do it will cause your husband to pull his head out of his ass. In the first case, the woman WINS no matter what her husband does. In the second, her happiness and feeling of success are entirely dependent on what he feels like doing. He has already proven he should not have that power in her life.

@Fitbitironic -- I wonder if we've met!! Be sure and use some of your DHs income to start improving your life. This was hard for me because I'm very thrifty and was raised to be subservient. For me, it was a first step. I went back to school and retrained for a new career. Now I'm not happy with my choice of what I trained for, but I do know that I can support myself and that I'll always have job security.

Christ Almighty. I've read most of this thread (and skimmed the rest in annoyance) and some of the cobblers stuff on here is beyond belief.

It doesn't matter one jot whether the wife is a SAHM or on the board of a multinational corporation.

A marriage is supposed to be a team. A partnership. An equal loving partnership. Being the important big boss man at work does not entitle anyone to be the big boss in charge of subordinates at home.

Here here custard...

Unfortunately, OP's husband has shot himself in the foot by treating her as a subordinate: if he hadn't done that, as she says, she might have been happier in her current role. Instead, him treating her like a lackey has made her more dissatisfied.

I think a lot of men - my ex, certainly - see complaints about their overpowering dedication to their career, to the detriment of their relationship and family life, as criticism of their career choices, rather than as criticism of their behaviour. They think "But I can't change my career!" or "But it's my career that gives us our quality of life! How ungrateful!"

But their career is often not the problem. The problem is their dismissive attitude towards their partner and family. They could change things simply by changing their attitude. By showing that they are trying to get involved in family life, even if it's not always possible. By showing that they know their partner is helping make their career possible. By showing that they appreciate them.

ravenmum that’s an extremely insightful post 👏

You are both right, of course, but these are often successful, influential men in their fields: if anyone can change working practices for themselves and others they can.

@Fitbitironic - is he a management consultant?

I was one in a different lifetime and it wasn't the constant travel that hurt marriages, it was when they had a job close to home! Then the DH and DW realised they'd been living parallel lives for years.

These jobs are tough but quite simply, families get used to not having them around and adapt. I know one senior consultant who left when his kid wrote that his parents were divorced as he only saw dad at weekends.

I've an x who was a management consultant and when I dumped him, he proudly told me that his mother figured out that I must have felt like a bit of an also-ran next to him. Are they all this bad? I wished for years I'd said well so long as your Mum thinks you're in the race, right.

I agree with that Coyote. Have the t-shirt. Wouldn't have left if I hadn't needed to.

worried, yes, I feel like I've been forced to be so independent with the DC and everything while he's away (enjoying himself), which wasn't my choice of relationship. I want him to take control of some of the decisions and boring crap, and do nice things with/for us when he's back to even it out a bit... Doesn't happen though. His argument would be that he's working while away, so needs a break too, but he gets more 'me time' than I do while away, as well as socializing etc...

ravenmum I agree completely.

Oh my goodness! I've been reading this thread with interest. I'm also married to a management consultant and my experience is very similar. I've also lived abroad 'for the job' and it was only my utter readiness to walk that brought us back home!
Perhaps we need our own 'management consultant' thread.

Not my experience but a close friend told me when she was dating her DH, they had an argument, he worked at a management consultant at the time, the supposedly best in the world, and he shouted at her 'Don't you know I am one of the most intelligent people in the world?' I am not sure why she married him!

Oh wow, I typed my comment without looking at PPs. This seems to be a common issue with management consultants . My friend's DH worked for one that started with an M and ends with a y!

I wonder if some of the attitude, to put it politely, is because mc's are paid to solve problems, and they come to think, after a while, that their opinion on anything and everything should be treated as gospel.
Unfortunately, due to their long absences, the partner is also fairly used to being independent and solving problems, and isn't amenable to being spoken down to when they are there. I'm couching everything in really polite language here!