Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

I need the escapism - what else is there to live for? I'm never going to relish domestic chores/childcare/planning and organising and worrying about 2 kids and ageing parents.

Does 'work on myself' mean get a hobby? I run, I socialise (with other mums who all do the same dreary shit I do and in much vaster quantities if they don't work), I plan outings and holidays with the family and do you know what? That's just another giant JOB for me. I hate Xmas for the same reason: I do all the lists/planning/organising/shopping/wrapping/thinking/packing to travel to visit others and everyone else just hops along for the ride and points out that I'm such a misery for complaining about it. If changing me means stopping complaining it's not going to stop that feeling, is it?

This is my xmas experience this year too! No magic whatsoever, though of course I'll fake it for the DC. I'm hoping this mood will lift, I used to really enjoy xmas. Shopping for pressies today, don't know what ppl want, (can't find what DC asked for), pointed out to dh at the weekend that he's had no input whatsoever (not even looked online) and needs to sort out his family (that's all he does, he doesn't shop for our DC), I stopped doing that for him a few years ago.... He never said a word.

I know I'll get a box of ferreros for xmas...

Could this be hormonal? I did read something that said women who suffer from PMT can fall into a depression in the 2-3 years before they go through the menopause.

It said you’re more likely to experience this depression if you were intolerant of your own progesterone. A few signs you might suffer from this: 1) You suffer from PMT; 2) You felt unusually happy/calm when you were pregnant; 3) You sufferered from post-natal depression.

I’m a big YES to all 3. Anyone else?

Yes to all three for me, although post-natal depression not diagnosed. I’d go as far as saying I got PMDD when periods returned after second pgcy. I actually scared myself with the intensity of rage I would get, but it does seem to have improved a bit a few years on. I’m still a bitch though.

My unhappiness is rooted in the fact that I feel trapped. I had a romantic notion of being at home raising the kids, baking, doing crafts and arty shit, going for nature walks, meeting friends, reading, writing, planning nutritious family meals and welcoming everyone home with a big smile and open arms. What I’ve got is days of drudgery and loneliness and ungrateful whining aids who aren’t happy unless they’re winding each other up.

The house is falling apart; I’d do DIY but I’m so busy and tired from the day to day grind of laundry, cleaning the bog, peeling spuds etc that I never tackle anything and it gets worse and worse so it’s a miserable place to be.

We managed (just about) financially after I lost my PT job during pgcy. I did a few temping jobs a few years ago and then decided (with DH’s support) to have a couple of years at home to indulge the writing, but as nobody ever lifts a finger to help in the house the writing has fallen by the wayside in favour of the tedious housework.

I now really want to go back out to work but can’t get a job. I so so wish I hadn’t chosen to be at home so much. I wanted to be an actor... I never even gave it a chance as after training I just settle down. Stupid me.

We have no money - DH has always been shit with money. I was better but have debt too now. I thought life would be better than this by now.

I don’t fancy DH and he gets on my last nerve. He moans about how tired he is, but he does a job he is good at, is respected for and 99% of the time enjoys. He goes to interesting events regularly. I resent the fact he does nothing to keep/make our home a nice place to be. If I don’t do it it just doesn’t get done, despite me saying this repeatedly.

From an outsider’s perspective I do have a nice life and people regularly tell me how fab the children are, how wonderful DH is and how lucky I am to have him... but...

They don’t see the full picture. I am not happy. Haven’t been for a good few years.

The excitement I’m craving is (a) career satisfaction that makes me feel good about myself. I want to use the talents people said I had during school, college etc. I want to get up enthused and ready to take on the world.

And (b) I want to flirt with someone sexy and attractive who will flirt back. I want to feel young again. I can’t imagine having sex with DH anymore - it’s been months and then months before that. I do love him but at the moment it’s not enough.

I sound very selfish I know, but I had to get it all off my chest.

Sorry - forgot to make the first paragraph bold/into a quote.

Snap re Christmas and 😂😑 about Ferraros. Really? LTB 😎 I was trying to explain to XH yesterday about the mental load. Couldn't comprehend it at all. "You know how you always took the piss out of my holiday / Christmas lists but then would ask 'did WE pack / buy/ arrange" and it'd be something needed I'd done but I'd never get credit for because it was expected. Gah!

I'm older and a lot of what you say rings true. I had an affair when younger in my 40's as my husband was a controlling bully who showed me no affection whatsoever.

I stayed like a mug due to the kids and thinking that keeping the family together was the most important role for me.

Was it worth it - no! The kids now visit me for 30 mins once a week if I am lucky. The don't text me or phone me in between these visits. Husband has died and I'm totally alone bar the odd visit.

I wish I had split up 30 years ago and lived my life how I want to live it.

Kids don't want to know you when you get older. You just become a hindrance.

I hear you. Very much. You love them so much when they are little and tbh my teen still needs me but I'm getting the feeling of an abusive relationship about it because she's such a user of people and gives nothing back. If she was a man I'd be 🏃🏃🏃🏃 Have we as women been gaslighted into thinking this is what we should expect? To sacrifice ourselves to the bitter end?

User6252 That’s very sad to hear.

Being neglected by my kids in the future is a big fear. I worry that they will not want my company when they’re older as they’re picking up my unhappy vibes now and it’s damaging them, but the flip side is them resenting me if I turned this family upside down through divorce or whatever.

Have we as women been gaslighted into thinking this is what we should expect? To sacrifice ourselves to the bitter end?

Yes.

He moans about how tired he is, but he does a job he is good at, is respected for and 99% of the time enjoys. He goes to interesting events regularly. I resent the fact he does nothing to keep/make our home a nice place to be. If I don’t do it it just doesn’t get done, despite me saying this repeatedly.

And YES!! And even if I go swimming /meet for coffee, none of the shit gets done until I do it. I resent his lovely work trips abroad (with lots of sightseeing and drinking time with colleagues) because he never plans the equivalent family or couple time. Where are my perks and recognition?

This is an awesome thread. MN gave me the validation to leave my marriage but it's only know I'm understanding why...

*now. And thanks to mylaststraw. I hope things get better to for you.

*now. And thanks to mylaststraw. I hope things get better to for you.

I am so glad for this thread. I can't really articulate how I feel as well as all of you.

In my case my DH is lovely, and not at all the cause of any unhappiness. The DC's are selfish and ungrateful but that's their 'job' right now. Hopefully they'll come good later.

As someone up thread said, I've reached a point where many things (not everything, trying to get a job is still a huge hurdle) in my life are settled and sorted and instead of being relieved and happy and contented I'm miserable, bored and finding it all so dull.

I am definitely craving excitement, brand new experiences and fun. But am restricted in what I can do due to time and money and have 'been there, done that' for so many things, there's not a lot else for me to try.

And we are all conditioned to believe that domestic stuff and looking after family is our place. If I don't do it no one will.

SO it doesn't get done. See what happens. If there is no food in the house so what.

I get it's not that easy when there are children around, but when there aren't any - it's not our place. I stopped doing all that a couple of years ago. The place was a tip. His mother was coming round so he took a holiday to clean up. Lived on takeaways for a while. He put on weight. But now he's got slim again. I think he got the message.

Yes, we've all been gaslighted. For generations. Tragic.

I have found my people. 47, two teens, nice house though falling apart at the seams, decent well paid career that I hate but has kept us from the wolf's door for many years while DH has taken low-paid but "enjoyable" jobs. Married for 22 years and we used to say that we'd never be one of those couples that don't speak to each other....ha fucking ha. He tells me he loves me sometimes but I don't think he really does and I don't know if I really love him either now. Zero sex life, very little intimacy. I work more than full time and do pretty much everything in the house.
My marriage can be summed up in one incident. Years ago I made my MIL the most beautiful shawl for Mothers Day. Fine cashmere yarn, the most gorgeous pale blue, beaded and lacy. It took me months to knit it. I wrapped it up beautifully, and handed the card that I had bought to DH to write assuming that he'd write it from both of us. Only to find out that he'd written the card from himself only and handed over our gift, the one that I'd spent a lot of time and effort on, as his own. He's a decent bloke and a good dad but I'm getting thoroughly tired of his thoughtlessness.
This could be influenced by the fact that I've been floored by a flu bug the last 2 days and I don't think he's asked me once how I'm feeling

I just feel sometimes that I'm being brought down by the drudgery.
That the smiley, sparky, vibrant person that I used to be is being ground into the dust. And I'm not sure what to do about it 😰

Ginger, ditto. I used to be full of life, optimistic, active, energetic.

Now......I can't be bothered with anything, or have already done it..........

Laststraw Where are my perks and recognition? I think this is what a lot of us on this thread crave. I know my life would be so much nicer if there was a bit of thanks and acknowledgement of all that I do.

I was brought up to be a total people pleaser. My mother was a physically and emotionally abusive narc and I was the scapegoat - nothing I ever did came up to the mark. I don't recall my mother ever kissing or hugging me and I was regularly told I was unlikable and should have been drowned at birth. I've overcome a lot of the fallout from that but there is still a part of me that really wants to be told that "I'm a good girl" and to be cosseted a bit. I can do that for myself to some extent but I think we still need external validation sometimes.

Gingerstuff so true about not being the "sparky, vibrant person" anymore. It's interesting that you still have a career but feel the lack of fulfillment that some us SAHM's trying to get employment feel too and that dimsum despite being financially comfortable also feels dull and bored.

Gingerstuff having to be the main breadwinner and do the lions share of everything else too is a big ask. No wonder you feel unappreciated. I gave up work when my DD2 was born with SN and I couldn't find appropriate childcare. I was relieved that I no longer was in running battle with my husband about working FT and carrying all the housework, life organisation and mental load as well.

for ginger and so many of you too. I wish I knew what the answers were, I really have no clue what i'm doing either.
After speaking to my doctor though she diagnosed me with anxiety and depression - if im honest I knew this already and have had it for over 10 years, just been putting off doing something about it as I knew both myself and do couldnt suffer, who would get things done.

Im going to take a long bath tonight, write a list of all pros and cons of my life and look into areas where I WANT things to change. maybe going to see the dr has given me a little more positivity, but I do feel better today than yesterday. Ive not cried as much for a start.

Sorry - yet another post from me.

Currently living FT at home I have a Husband, 19 year old twins, 2 nieces (who have lived with us on and off since they were toddlers) in their early 20's (all at local unis) and a 14 year old DS. H works at home so is around a lot and the others are in and out. I always greet everyone each morning, ask how they slept, make small talk , try to promote conversation etc but it occurred to me recently that no one seems interested in me (lots of posters on this thread have noted they "feel invisible"). Yesterday I decided not to speak until spoken to and to venture no chat or opinions. No one asked anything about my day, offered to make me tea or talked to me the entire day! No one commented that I seemed quiet. Husband went ahead and put on several episodes of a gruesome detective drama in the evening not checking if it was ok with me.

flynn80 glad you spoke to the GP and feel a bit better. Are you going to take meds? Does anyone know if they help or do you just feel everything wash over you and have no energy/impetus to challenge anything?

I think planning to make changes is very positive. I write a lot of lists and try to do incremental and achievable things. It has helped. I find I go through long periods where a daily schedule/list of things to do and regular exercise (4 mile walks) keeps me sane and feeling okay. This week (coinciding with this thread) I feel in a trough and it's not working so well.

I am 39 and felt in the throws of a mid life crisis for a few years now. In Feb I left my EA ex after being together since I was 17. Now I realise it wasn't a mid life crisis as such, just a realisation I deserve better and life is too short.

Whatever it is, I am now starting to enjoy every minute of being a single autonomous woman again. I feel like I am finally able to grow up in a way.

mograt Thank you for agreeing we have all been gaslighted. And worse, for generations. I wonder why more women don't actually run away from selfish family members. Especially in 40s when we have the demands of teens and elderly parents. I think it might be that they do it by taking their own lives 😑

@ koala