Yes, you suddenly realise you don’t want to carry on as before, and you do need appreciation and adoration at almost 40 as much as you needed it at 25. If husbands actually knew this and continued to show it, there would be a lot less pull for the woman to look for the feeling of aliveness elsewhere. But I think with a long-term relationship the feeling of complacency sets in sooner or later. It is overturning that ‘comfy’ and boring feel and re-inventing your relationship. As there WAS a reason you got together and stayed together for so long. I agree with Esther Perel who said that people will typically have 3-4 significant relationships during their lifetime, and some of those relationships will be with the same person. Absolutely, this is so true. Re-assess, re-negotiate and create something new together which is true to who you are now, not who you were 20 years ago. I am with the poster who changed her boundaries in her existing LTR and re-negotiated what her marriage was for her. She may still choose to be with the same man at the end of the day, but to have a different life with that same man. The life which is fulfilling for her, too.
The more I look at affairs, the clearer it becomes they are not the answer. The affair partner is looking for the feeling of aliveness, being appreciated and adored, living life to the full. There is no imperative it has to be a new man to feel like that. Surely, you felt like that once with your H, there is no reason why you can’t do so again 20 years later. He might not realise this is what you want, but this is what relationships are about: a two-way street. Communicate your desires and give him a chance to repair it, to put it right. I am convinced many betrayed spouses would love to have been given the opportunity to work on their marriage before their partner goes down the unfaithfulness route. But it takes emotional intelligence and will on both sides. If one partner isn’t interested in improving the other’s well-being and adopts a ‘can’t do, won’t do’ attitude, and the other one just thinks I can’t be bothered with all that effort when the excitement of a fling is there ready for me and doesn’t require painful re-negotiations. It may seem an easy route to take. Until of course, your marriage and life crumbles down as a direct consequence.
There are so so so many people on here and on surviving infidelity forum who wish they had given their partner and marriage a chance, before going down the affair route and blowing the whole thing up. But it seems it is something which can sadly be realised postfactum mainly when the regrettable stuff cannot be undone.
This is in no way a criticism, by the way. People hardly ever have perfect relationships and perfect partners. I can see both sides of the story. It is worth to remember that a lot of affairs are not to find a different person, but to find a different you. The other person is often incidental. It really helps to have this self-awareness, for me certainly.