Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

I have started another thread asking for stories about coming through a mid life crisis, or alternative experiences of middle age. I need some tips on how to make it through the other side. I felt the crisis bad yesterday, I had to go into the office, and going there reinforces my feelings of being invisible, past it and of no account.....

Thx njords.
And everyone who has contributed. It helps not to feel so alone, I think.

ginger I'd be fuming at the cashmere scarf incident. I have had similar but not with having made as big an effort by far, and it still pissed me off.

flynn how did the list go?

Also interested in the q grunka asked re meds... Can you actually make a change in yourself while on them, or do you just not care about it as much?

I'll join you over there timefortea. I do find it interesting that proportionally so few commenting on this thread have had a positive experience re midlife crisis. Will be good to see positive stories and give us hope!
Although I'm not discounting the positive effect of a problem shared being a problem halved by talking about it on here!

This thread has been very revealing Mylast - and depressing. Reading through the posts has really resonated with me, which is both heartening (I am not on my own) and depressing. There are legions of us feeling a bit shit and not knowing what to do about it, or if you get through it. Hopefully the other thread will show a different way.....

Timefortea please can you post a link to the other thread. This whole thread has come at just the right time for me thank you. It's given lots of useful advice and thoughts.

I've been reading this with interest - I too am in amid life slump. Come through 18 months of personal tragedies (miscarriage, anxiety, bereavement and divorce) and thinking what's next. I have a 3 year old daughter and about to turn 42 and in a bit of a bind. Thankfully I'd kept working but I'm knackered and ready for s change. Food for thought. It's comforting/ alarming to hear that so many people feel the same. Thank you All for sharing.

I do find it interesting that proportionally so few commenting on this thread have had a positive experience re midlife crisis

I feel like when I manage to work through this, I'll have a new level of being comfortable in my own skin. Sometimes I feel like that is just around the corner. I feel like having my kids grown and being post menopausal is actually very freeing, I just need to figure out what to do with that freedom.

This thread has helped me see the parts of my life that have worked out OK, rather than being so hyper focused on the parts that haven't. That is also helping me stop ruminating on how hard some things were in the past that have now resolved themselves. Feeling less stuck is helping me think more creatively about the career part.

newstateswoman, thank you, midlife slump is a great and possibly more accurate description for how I feel than mid life crisis.

How's everyone doing this morning midlifers? I'm having a bit of a whirlwind I've been signed off with stress for a week so feel like doing something mad and impulsive, in reality I am going to visit my mother

I worked pt, was a carer for my son and did the school for my DD. I felt utterly trapped, by the drudgery of live keeping house for DH. He was never appreciative of what I did and my hunch was right. He ditched me out of the blue one day. A year later he decided to not pay £250 worth of bills because he said he couldn't afford it (+ £60,000 pa) so I was plunged into debt. To counteract the shit I was in, I asked him to help with the school runs so I could get/leave work to pick up DD. DH said 'no, you have custody, your problem. My point is he is going through his own MLC, ran off with younger OW and ditched me. He didn't appreciate me and doesn't now even though I'm trying to keep me and the kids fed. It's shit tbh.

Crap, thanks for asking, lila
Dh got home early from work (!) so could go pick DC up from school. Unfortunately started an argument then walked out and shut the door while I was talking. So a bit frosty there. DC back, arsey because I hadn't been to shop to find one particular advent calendar, which I actually have not even seen in the three days I spent trudging round the shops looking for everyone's xmas presents at the beginning of the week.
On the plus side, I walked out and went for a late afternoon look round the shops, and a coffee. The rage wore off, didn't find the advent calendar (surprise!), but did get nieces present, beer for dh, and stocking fillers for DC. I know, I'm such a martyr!
How about you?

bibbidee what an arse. Amazes me how so many of them are so unappreciative. I hope you and DC go from strength to strength, and ow ditches him just before xmas. Dicks, the pair of them

@Mylaststraw I said to him if I could work full time ( I can't because of the school runs) I would, in order to cover the bills and he said 'it's your decision' 🤔

Rubbish here too although I am pleased about the break from work, my OH is going through his own spell of depression though and I feel disloyal for leaving for a week to take some time for myself but I'm going to absolutely lose my shit without it.

lila make the most of it! I hope it gives you a bit of (much needed) breathing space to feel a bit more balanced, and 'yourself'. It's bound to be a bit more stressful in the run up to xmas, so now is a good time to do it. Don't feel guilty at OH!

bibbidee ah yes, the old 'it's your decision', when it's nothing like that... Sounds familiar...

*Have you had a midlife crisis
?
*
Ever since I was born.

I've been reading this with interest and salute you all for your candour.

Having got through my 40s without incident I am feeling a bit of a panic shortly after my 50th. It is minor in comparison to many of you but my trajectory has been different. My youth was so difficult and my life improved so much in my late 30s (I recovered from depression and met my dh) that I feel like I dodged a bullet and mostly everything since has been relatively great in comparison.

Struggling with losing my identity somehow as I begin to visibly age and approach the menopause. I keenly feel the loss of what I think of as my edge - where my inside meets my outside - and I don't know what to look like. I feel like a young person inside a deflating body, melting like the witch in the Wizard of Oz.

The most easily identifiable issue in my relationship is that we don't have sex since we got married. Not sure if that is a time bomb but dh won't talk about it so hard to know what if anything is being stored up to become a problem later. It is the only area we seem unable to navigate. I have initiated all discussions about it. First he refused counselling, then he agreed but by then I felt I was doing all the work and he was crossing his fingers hoping it would get better and I thought if he wants to do something about it he can. That sounds very resentful but what I mean is I don't want to become the person 'making' him do stuff he isn't sufficiently motivated to do himself. I am okay with it (sex was never our strong suit). Of course at some stage that could change I guess. I was a bit of a one for years, maybe I had enough sex to last me the rest of my life.

So that's where my mlc and I are today...

Struggling with losing my identity somehow as I begin to visibly age and approach the menopause. I keenly feel the loss of what I think of as my edge - where my inside meets my outside

Gosh yes I can relate to this even though I'm not approaching the change, the last couple of years have aged me rapidly and visibly and I look in the mirror and wonder who the bloody hell that is.

So, I've been trawling through the midlife crisis posts this morning and I came across this one. I know this post is now 5 years old but I am wondering how you are all doing now?

I'm in the thick of the peri-menopause and I can relate massively to a lot of what has been posted here.

I can also relate to receiving a box of ferraros for the last I don't know how many Christmas's and I'm definitely getting the 'is this it?' feeling.

I'm not sure I've ever had an 'edge' or anything in particular to lose as thanks to childhood trauma a lot of it was extinguished in the first place. But with the peri, and the trauma work I've been doing, I'm now actually starting to find a bit of me (starting point hobbies and interests).

So much in a lot of these posts resonates. Wanting to find a sense of identity and wanting to become less visible and not being satisfied with relationships.

Anyone?

Hi I was one of the original posters on this thread and now five years later things are much much better. Still working, started outdoor swimming and running which has done wonders for me. I've also found some like minded friends (our kids all do an activity together so we meet for a drink every week during the hour the kids are busy) and we are all very open about good times and bad times. Things which help massively. It's hard to get out of the mindset but exercise and decent sleep helps enormously. Hope you find this helpful!

That's good to hear oranga. It's funny you should mention outdoor swimming - I have it on my list to try but I don't think I will fair too well with it due to the cold water!

I can't take HRT and my sleep isn't great. This is problematic. I need to go to bed earlier, some of it is likely hormone related and some of it is down to me. More exercise would probably help no end I suspect.

And yes, searching for some more like-minded friends.

I listened to a scientist talking about mid life crisis last year when mine started, at age 37.
He said that it's a fairly new concept, in that historically most people were lucky to make it to 40, by which time generally our purpose of procreating has been accomplished. He said that originally as we only had to worry about our survival, where our next meal was coming from, would our child live etc, there was no option to contemplate such things.

In the Western world we have so much choice now, to the point that we feel if we haven't made or taken the right ones, what's the point? But the point was only ever really to stay alive.

This idea is actually reflected in global suicide statistics. Westerm countries have the highest rates of suicides, yet we have it all- or we are certainly conditioned to believe we can. Impoverished countries where the only thought of the day is how will I feed my family generally have low suicide rates.There is simply no time for what I believe is now referred to as navel gazing.

I actually consider myself a spiritual person, and often question the meaning of life, but logically, this makes sense.

That's interesting take on things Tiny2018 But also maybe, women didn't encounter the menopause so much then either. It is unclear the link - falling oestrogen etc. but perhaps it can have a profound effect. This is quite a primal concept too as it is linked to biology.

Many women eventually wake up to the amount of caretaking they've been doing etc. Maybe, they've put up with some not so good relationships (and not recognised it in their younger years).

I guess it is in a fact, that on average, we are tending to live longer and therefore consider our aspirations more (see above) as well as need for survival.

One positive of this mid-life thing is that I am no longer interested in pleasing others (I was a massive people pleaser before). This is so liberating. As mentioned, I've had a difficult childhood, so this feels doubly powerful. I've realised that any change hinges around me...so I want to get a sounder sense of self. I don't believe I'm looking for 'the thing' in spite of having the 'is this it?' moment, though I'm certainly only just finding things I like to do and ways I like to spend my time and this has been a revelation.

My biggest disappointment is perhaps the various relationships I have had in life - often discerned from a trauma base and a high degree of inauthenticity/boundaries on my part. Whilst all these (current) impulses and thoughts can be quite disconcerting, it can also be quite fascinating. I think maybe, I might be getting into more of my stride now at last.

Depression is a real thing. I have experienced this in the past and what I'm feeling now isn't that surprisingly given the above.

I went through a bit of a dark time in the run up to 50. It hit me hard that I was officially an older woman with more behind me than ahead of me. I had a lot of minor health niggles and a sense that making plans for the future, like a career change or house move was pointless. At one stage I even decided it wasn't worth getting a new kitchen at my age!
Fortunately it didn't last, and I came out the other side a new woman. Started to look after myself, my health improved and I feel fabulous.
My only regret is the time I spent dreading this time of life, as its turning out to be one of the best decades I've had.

The downside is, I can't shake the feeling it's my last hoorah before I turn into a properly old person, and there feels like there's a sense of urgency about doing things, not missing out or wasting time, so it's a little bitter sweet.