Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

I'm living one right now. Loving every minute of it and hope it stays forever

Mylaststraw you are right - it is a vicious circle. In some ways I wish I had never got qualifications when I was younger - I already have a degree, MSc, some professional qualifications and a PGCE (all from the 80's/early 90's) so can't borrow any student finance to retrain but my qualifications are so out of date they are of no use in job applications - in fact I think in many cases they are a hindrance. I have no desire for a "career" and am very happy to take orders from a younger manager but I keep getting asked about this in the few interviews I have managed to secure. I never get replies for minimum wage jobs even when I have "doctored" my CV.

grunka same here with degree and PGCE - it feels like all that money, time and effort (and stress!) was wasted. Nothing to show for it now, while dh continues to climb the ladder based on all my 'dead years' enabling him.
Was thinking earlier (while he's at work dealing with interesting issues in sociable surroundings) that I never really use my brain for anything anymore. It's OK someone telling you to learn a language or new skill, but there's little appeal in it if you have no underlying reason to.
Life really seems to hold no positive challenges anymore, they're all negative!

tossdaily love your username - I'll never be able to say her name again without thinking of this!

So many of us seem to have given up so much of ourselves to partners or children, and now really regret it. If I could do things differently, I certainly wouldn't have got so serious with dp as such a young age, I was only 21 and I feel I've wasted my good years on him. I should have gone travelling, or made more effort with my friends. I stupidly thought he was more than enough for me, now though he's everything I dont want to be around.

morethan You are so right, its the resentment of it all that makes me so depressed. He has been able to have a breakdown, start over, rebuild his life doing something he loves - but hes only been able to do that because I'm holding it all together for him.

It seems to go in a cycle of moods for me; the crushing despair of 'is this it?' Becomes a firm no-nonsense 'I can't do this anymore' becomes a manically hopeful 'I could leave! Start again! Do it differently!' Which slowly bleeds out as I realise my finances, age, and bad choices mean there is no starting over. Escape becomes an obsession, and then like any other obsession you realise it was pretty much just in your head sad Lila you are spot on with this. I have this thought process currently daily with myself. Its age and finances that are holding me back.

Me too. I feel lost & don't know where I am going.

My career is good & well paid, but is totally un-enjoyable. And I have to do it for another 20 years. Can't re-train, sole breadwinner.

Don't like where I live, but DH and I have no agreement on where to move to.

I've been ignoring his (in my opinion) bad behaviour over the past year, as I am the only earner (and that can't change) so if I left DS would not live with me.

Yep. Can relate to all of this and thought it was just me, feel quite relieved it isn't. I think the combo of teenagers and perimenopause is a hard one. It feels very difficult to think about starting a new career in your 50s when you're knackered a lot and your confidence is on the floor. Youthful hope has gone out the window. I try and keep active with hobbies and things but am even growing tired of that.
To the poster upthread with the annoying sister that is very unhelpful of her. Maybe your dcs will look back later and have enjoyed having you around.

I don't regret giving up my "career" as I can't really see what else I could have done at the time and I did/do value being with the DC. I did try to "keep my hand in" for a few years by doing some freelance writing work but it was appallingly paid and stressful. It's more that I didn't realise how hard it would be to get a job again. Time has just slipped away.

I also thought by now we would be financially comfortable but my husband made a few disastrous decisions during the recession and he has form for "needing"to change career, follow a new path whatever the cost to the rest of us. (I was the sole BW for many years early on whilst he trained for his "dream job" and then phoned me on his first day of employment to say he hated it). Flynn and morethan I agree about us holding it all together for them.

hattyhighlighter thank you for the flowers and kind words.

ChampagneCommunist - it's complicated isn't it. I think the stock response to our situations is "Well just leave!" but its not that simple. I had a few sessions of counselling and the therapist said "you know the cage door is always open" but it doesn't feel that way. I too would have to leave DC behind if I left (no money to rent a big enough place in this location)and I'm not prepared to do that.

You do always have a choice. It may be a difficult or shitty choice, with costs, but you do always have one.

To me a mid-life crisis involves not coping and a certain amount of selfishness

Many women put themselves last or not at all for a couple of decades while they raise a family, run a home, try to make a marriage work, and try to make a living. At some point "a certain amount of selfishness" is a good thing.

It sounds to me like most women responding that they are having a midlife crises are soldiering on. It's our internal experience that is in crises. Perhaps decades of putting one's self last or not at all makes it easier to continue to go through the motions even when the point of it all seems lost.

As sad as it all is.. It's comforting to know I'm not alone! I can relate to so many of these posts in so many ways. I think I'm having an early midlife crisis myself

I met my husband at 22, (married 18 months ago). I'm now in my early 30's and he's pressing for us to start a family but all I can think about is how terrified I am of starting a family when really, I haven't even lived yet! I got so comfortable that all of the life, ambition and motivation somehow got sucked out of me!

I think I felt like I had all the time in the world to do these things but now he's desperate to have kids it's dawned on me that really, I don't... and If I don't do them now I probably never will

I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life doing nothing, and I don't want to waste a second more. I just want to pack up, run away and start living :(

I question a lot - or did. Around 40 I did wonder if my future was with my dh (whom I married in 1994) as he was so steady, self sufficient and - dare I say it - a bit solid and boring.

Then in late 2011 I started having balance issues, what we thought was an ear infection. It ground on until I was admitted to hospital on 2/1/12 as I could no longer walk. Many, many tests later I was diagnosed with a very rare neurological illness that affects my balance, feeling in my arms, legs and face, position sense, energy levels. Really not nice stuff. DH is a GP and had never heard of my condition, its that rare!

And now I realise just how wrong I was. He's not solid and boring, he's my rock and my favourite thing, he helps me and guides me and is my advocate in everything. He's always here to settle my painful body into bed, he cuddles me every night, he tells me how much I'm important to HIM, how something (emotional, philosophical or even a physical thing) makes him proud to be my husband.

I'm of the opinion that good guys are grown, not made, but it can take many years for the grown to realise fruit!

Forgot to say we have 3 dc, 14, 16 and almost 18, before I started to lose courage and now I'm nothing but delighted that we have them.

I don't want to sound like a bitch because I'm gutted for all of us stuck in this frustrated loop but this thread really is oddly comforting too. to us all x

I agree with those who have said this thread is comforting.

I am currently neck deep in a huge midlife crisis. I should be very thankful, I have happy, healthy children, a successful career, my own home and married to a good, steady man.

However I am bored and restless. I am trying to make my life as full as possible and have really thrown myself into work. I travel a fair amount and have a good social life but there is a huge hole inside me. I keep trying to fill it but don’t know what with and I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I do something stupid.

I think my relationship is at the heart of it. I feel we have massively grown apart, I feel like the adult who keeps everything together and makes all the decisions. Right now I don’t want to put the effort in to get the spark back because it’s just another job I have to do if that makes sense? Everyone else is happy and to make me truly happy would mean everyone else being unhappy and I can’t justify that.

I’m just hoping it all passes soon as I’m beginning to bore myself!

Someone further up the thread said they have no interest in things that used enthuse them but don't know what to replace them with. I feel like that. I have started walking a lot in the countryside but it is mainly for exercise and long vistas. It seems to improve my mood and help me cope with things.

I spoke up thread about lack of employment and my brother suggested I should advertise to get some cleaning jobs or become a childminder/do a childcare NVQ or a care home job (I looked after relatives from my young teens). However, I feel I've done enough cleaning and looking after people to last a lifetime. The thought is actually repellant. I also feel a bit sad that they are probably jobs I might have a chance of getting but then what about all my qualifications and experience??

I think my relationship is at the heart of it Meganchips I think that is the crux of it for me as well. If my husband just showed me some affection and even some praise it would really help.

He had a massive MH breakdown about 6 years ago (combination of really bad financial decisions, we cared for his terminally mother which was very difficult as she refused carers and was a narc which which decimated our savings and then she left her estate to prodigal daughter).

My husband really changed and was horrid to me - terrible, terrible time. A health condition of mine that had been at bay for many years returned with a vengeance - it nearly broke me. Husband seems to be out the other side - sports, new friends, contract work he can manage. He says he loves me and panics if I leave the house without telling him but refuses to talk about our lack of intimacy and how unhappy it makes me. When I bring it up he admits "he is an ostrich" but it's just not good enough. He tells me not to "ambush him" with a "chat" but if I try to book one in he just goes out that day to avoid it.

How effin hard is it to show a modicum of affection for someone you profess to love?

Grunk- it isn't hard but I am not convinced they do love the person, just the nice cushy life they have. Mine is the same. I have behaved terribly but he is not blameless.

This is a fascinating thread. Am a bloke and have been having a sort of MLC since I was 35, but have doggedly stuck with a career that has regularly bored me witless and required long hours but has finally delivered some financial security. But I wonder 10 times every day whether it was all worth it because I grew up by a beach on the other side of the world and am now 50.

Like a few other situations in life there's an eloquent Bruuuuuce song just for this. Can't start a fire, can't start a fire without a spark, this gun's for hire even if it's just dancing in the dark.

Thank god for this thread. I am currently slap bang in the middle of one. I'm 43 and in some sort of blind panic that the best years of my life are over. Its utterly shit.

I wonder whether hormones are related to it?

Temple- that's the realisation that hit me. The best years of my life are over and I fcking wasted em!

weegiemum

my brother suggested I should advertise to get some cleaning jobs or become a childminder
And this kind of adds to the impression of not actually amounting to much. That someone who knows how much you've previously put into educating yourself in order to have a good career and financial stability thinks this is good enough as your future. V depressing.

I think my relationship is at the heart of it. I feel we have massively grown apart, I feel like the adult who keeps everything together and makes all the decisions. Right now I don’t want to put the effort in to get the spark back because it’s just another job I have to do if that makes sense? Everyone else is happy and to make me truly happy would mean everyone else being unhappy and I can’t justify that.

this is me wholeheartedly. yet another job that has to be done and its only going to get done by me.