Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

Could this be hormonal? I did read something that said women who suffer from PMT can fall into a depression in the 2-3 years before they go through the menopause.

It said you’re more likely to experience this depression if you were intolerant of your own progesterone. A few signs you might suffer from this: 1) You suffer from PMT; 2) You felt unusually happy/calm when you were pregnant; 3) You sufferered from post-natal depression.

I’m a big YES to all 3. Anyone else?

I'm a yes to (1) and (2).

And to the feeling that the best and most exciting years of my life are behind me and it's just downhill and deterioration from here. Although at the same time some things are an uphill struggle, like resuming some sort of career, which I don't really have the energy to do, but if I don't do something I'll just vegetate and may as well not be here tbh.

I'm a no to all 3, but definitely peri-menopausal at 45 (all the females in my family were through it by 46). I suspect my sex drive will fall off the edge of a cliff soon.

I just wish I could go back & make better decisions about men. I've travelled, had good holidays (none since kids though), kept on with my career (albeit part-time since kids) & have a good family.

I wistfully envy young people, with their whole lives ahead, and being carefree. Having good choices & options ahead instead of shit ones.

(1) only a little
(2) yes
(3) yes

I'm completely through menopause now.

1. not really, although more so now
2. def not
3. possibly, but dh was back at work the day after I got home with the first, working away when both DC were 2 or 3 weeks old. No support network. Never had antid, unlike the rest of my baby group, so was a low mood actually PND (because no one said so at the time)?

I'm 41 and have been in crisis for, uh, about twenty years!! Thinking that the same fascist forces which destroyed Europe are going to go at it all over again 😭😭

I've been through my husband's mid life crisis, does that count?

He actually did buy a sports car and is now dating a woman 20 years our junior. Meanwhile I am raising our kids and seeing our elder child through depression.

Three years in though, and I am applying for better jobs and have joined a social club and the gym. I do feel better.

I'm not looking for a man 😄

Sorry George, that sounds crap.
I'm not surprised you're not looking for a man, I wouldn't be either. In fact, I'm sure I read somewhere that young Asian women are giving up on men and marriage, largely to avoid problems of the kind mentioned here. Don't know how true it is, but it seems v sensible to me!!

I think, when the inevitable split comes for me, I will never live with a man again.

I'll just do "nice" things like dating & short flings, but never have to tidy up after someone or be " mummy" to their domestic crap.

I'll never marry again.

I keep having fantasies about winning the lottery as I could leave then.....

Me too. My daughter was 16 and I had time to take stock and didn't like it. For 16 years my focus was her, although I did well in my career, but I didn't like where I was. I had let too much slide and felt like I was not respected by anyone. Not even by me.

I built up my self esteem, moved to doing something I had always wanted to do even though the pay was...not good. Husband thought it was 'the change' and was supportive for a while but after about six months went back to the way he was previously. To say that he was shocked when I continue to create boundaries is an understatement.

Life is getting better. I have changed my perspective and making things happen. It's not easy to change a lifetime of habits and stuff, but I am definitely in a better place.

Good luck. Plenty of good advice out there (here!)

Yup, me. Jacked in a job I had done for 30 years and started my own business. I'm flat broke with an uncertain financial future, but I couldn't be happier.

MoreProseccoNow, you talk like you are 100 years old! You're young. Make the changes.

I built up my self esteem, moved to doing something I had always wanted to do even though the pay was...not good. Husband thought it was 'the change' and was supportive for a while but after about six months went back to the way he was previously. To say that he was shocked when I continue to create boundaries is an understatement.
Good on you @mograt
But how? How did you rebuild your self-esteem? What boundaries worked with dh? (assuming you're still with the same one!)

I think, when the inevitable split comes for me, I will never live with a man again.
I'll just do "nice" things like dating & short flings, but never have to tidy up after someone or be " mummy" to their domestic crap.
I'll never marry again

I think my DH and I will last, but I suspect that I will outlive him (because he isn't even trying to maintain his health). I don't think I will marry or live with a man again because I think that at some point, they all decide they've caught the woman and can relax now and let her take care of things. I fancy having a wonderful male companion who has his own place and spends enough time there that he doesn't get annoying.

Oh God this is me. I've NC for this as I'm having an affair and no-one knows.

I'm 41, and I feel so trapped. I'm trying to 'have it all': I work in a decent job PT, kids are only 5 and 8 and I think I'd relish an empty nest TBH, DH earns a lot of money - but we moved for his job and I've been so unhappy living in a foreign country. My job was my lifeline and I've met someone at work. Someone who notices me, cares for me. God it's been so long since I was cared for by anyone.

A close friend died at the weekend (suddenly) and DH didn't even ask if I was ok. About 10 minutes after getting the news he went to practice his golf. He isn't intentionally mean or cruel he just doesn't think. So I have to say 'I feel awful please hug me/help me'. It was the same a few months ago when I got very upset by my mums alcoholism. He came home from work and spent the whole time talking about how he could improve his relationship with his boss - when I'd just watched mine with my mum shatter into pieces. And until now the compromise of gentle, inoffensive, slightly feckless DH with me doing all the thinking and running around was ok - but I'm so tired of that. I crave being cared for.

I cannot bare to think that the rest of my life will be me holding it together for everyone else. But equally I always end up agreeing with this way of thinking:
*"I think my relationship is at the heart of it. I feel we have massively grown apart, I feel like the adult who keeps everything together and makes all the decisions. Right now I don’t want to put the effort in to get the spark back because it’s just another job I have to do if that makes sense? Everyone else is happy and to make me truly happy would mean everyone else being unhappy and I can’t justify that.

this is me wholeheartedly. yet another job that has to be done and its only going to get done by me"*

theresheg0es
God it's been so long since I was cared for by anyone. Yes. I'm tired of having to be responsible for sorting everything out for everyone else. I want someone to do nice things for me without having to be asked.

Oh Christ, sorry for my flippant comment about men / sports cars / stupidly younger women to the poster with the DH who did this. My new partner's last GF was half my age when they were together (few years ago but still) and it's hard to cope with but he doesn't see it as an issue fwiw? Long conversation with XH yesterday and he's firmly of the belief I had a MLC or would never have left him. And I should either reconcile with him or move 600 miles and impose myself on the new man. But I don't want to do that. I like things the way they are. I saw on the "Cool Wife" thread in AIBU that the greatest predictor of marriage success was SPACE. Think that's true. We need to find ways to get it and keep it.

I feel utterly stuck and I just don’t know how to get out of the bleak hole I have found myself in.
I am long time unemployed which definitely doesn’t help matters and terrified of getting a job because I have been badly bullied in the workplace in the past.
I really don’t know what the answer is.I too dream of just taking off on my own and starting a new life somewhere else.I am thinking when my child leaves home in a few years time I should call time on my marriage and get the hell out of here because I already feel half dead and I am only in my mid forties.

Frugalfrump, bloody hell, your life sounds miserable. Can you get a job where you don't interact with people? Do you have any interests that you could turn into a small business? I hate to hear of you wishing your life away, that is so sad. You are only in your forties - you have so much potential. Don't waste your life.

Would love a small business but doing what? I have no ideas.Can I ask what line of business you are in Leilaniii?

Oh Frugal... I don't have any suggestions but I'm in the same place. All I can think of is cleaning or child care but as previous posters have said, been there, done that, although maybe it's different if you're actually paid for it.

Yes. I have had a few of these, and without exception all change needs to happen from the inside out. It means it's slower, and more painful, but it also means you don't end up believing something/someone out there has all the answers. It may still mean a lot changes in your outside life as a result - but the genesis of that change will be internal. Or it may mean not much at all changes in your outside life. But you will have changed.

Therapy was the thing that worked for me, once I stopped resisting and reaching and grabbing for new places, new relationships, new hair, etc. etc.

I couldn’t do cleaning because I really struggle with housework as it is without having to do someone else’s! Also as you mentioned after years of childcare I really don’t fancy carrying on in that line of work.
I need something new and exciting

What are you interested in?

All the usual things art, music, animals etc