Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

Reading this has made me realise that it’s not just me going through all this.
I think mine stems back twelve years ago when my mum died. My H was useless and would just leave me crying my eyes out with a five year old and a newborn. He’s never really loved me I don’t think.
My family all drifted apart once mum died, so I get no support there.
My job is crap and I don’t feel at all appreciated and I just groan every morning when it’s time to drag myself out of bed. Again.
I now have a challenging 17 yr old and a ‘brewing’ nearly 13 yr old and my life is just drudge.
I have no money, little support and I just despair and cry daily.
All quite depressing really

Right? It's all gone a bit Les Mis over here the last year!

rainbow
koala it did make a lot of sense, thanks. I can see all the wisdom in appreciating yourself and changing things as much as possible to only be left with what's good for you. I guess the problem is we also tend to become caught up with ppl who we rely on to also have our best interests at heart and we can never really know what someone else thinks. It's a bit of a leap of faith to trust, I think.

Oops, that was for straw

I'm 41. I felt trapped in my marriage and 'held back.' Divorced at 35 and have lived life to the full. Travelled with my ds, do what I want when I want, took up a new hobby, lost weight, redecorate my house (wish I'd moved when ds younger) have dated.. still loads I need the courage to do.. change of career being one but I'm happy the only person holding me back is me now..

I feel like this but from have a completely different set up to most of you.

My children are only one and two and I'm 44! Had a good, fulfilling career which I loved but I'm currently unable to return to because we can't afford £2k a month for childcare so I'm a SAHM, I'm worried what impact it will have on my position and earning ability if I have to take another 2 years out. Had a fabulous relationship, we really were happy, before children but now we struggle to get on. Our finances are shot to pieces thanks to my lack of income and he has had a crap couple of years (self employed and people have delayed payment so many times it's almost ruined us). Ageing parents tick. Friendships have grown distant so don't even have that close knit circle of friends I once had.

I do think every decade has challenges though. I've worked with so many women in their mid/late 30's trying to find 'the one' to settle with before their clock runs out. Maybe the 40's is there decade of doubt.

Yes. I hit 39 and derailed. It broke my family and I regret it bitterly. Now facing an expensive divorce and shit Xmas of sharing the kids.

I am slowly realising that you can work hard on yourself and be a good person and love and serve others and there is no reward or happy ending and the prize for digging the best hole is being handed a bigger shovel.

Lila how well you put that. You are amazing kicking the Valium and continuing to do so especially since life seems so bleak.

I have no money, little support and I just despair and cry daily. Rainbow this is my situation too. I try to limit the cry to 5 Minutes and then "buck myself up* I wish I had some money. I think quite a few of my problems could be alleviated by that.

A poster up thread who survived cancer laughingllama I think - I would like to say you are articulate and explained things very well. I sometimes avoid joining in the threads that speak most to me as I feel in articulate.In your case I would not underestimate the effect of trauma on your body and mind even years on. I almost died in my early twenties and everyone kept telling me how happy I should be and to go out and achieve amazing things but I felt flat and in despair. In retrospect I can see how frail I still was emotionally and physically for a very long time.

I just feel absolutely stuck and trapped. I am self employed (as I seem to be unemployable)and have had no work for a long time, I apply for jobs but rarely even get an interview, our financial situation is dire. My husband of 30 years barely speaks to me, not sure he even (ever) liked me. I just feel such a failure. I know that only myself can start to change my situation but I can't seem to make the move. I feel that people can smell the unhappiness and stress on me and that I come across as a weirdo.

20 years ago when I became a SAHM I had a senior academic job in a Russel Group Uni. Now, I can't even get interviews for stacking shelves in Asda. I have zero confidence.I can't rent somewhere and leave as I don't meet the affordability criteria and can't pay a year upfront. I also worry that no one would come with me as our house is very convenient for DC's unis/college/school etc and I couldn't afford a big enough pad.

I've been to the GP for depression but he thinks I'm just sad about my situation. Geez, this is depressing. I wish you all a brighter day.

Some heartbreaking stories here 💐 I had one although a year on it's taken this thread title for me to realise. For some odd reason I thought MLC were the preserve of men who buy a sports car and jettison their wives for a younger model. I didn't leave XH for someone younger (gone up slightly and now wondering what I was missing in my twenties and thirties 😶) but I can see my entire life changing and relocating 600 miles without my (older) DC. I'd never left London but I'm so much more at peace in the Scottish Highlands it's unreal. Whether that would be the same without the man I don't know, but anything can happen so it needs to be.

Mylaststraw thank you for the flowers, they made me smile (even if they aren’t real!) I might treat myself to a cheap bunch of Tesco flowers next weekend now!
Wormulonian I also limit myself to a moment of pity and then tell myself to get a bloody grip and get on with it!

I had mine at 42. My DD had left for Uni, I convinced myself that DH was a lazy man child (he wasn't),
I lost loads of weight, had an affair with my boss and asked DH to leave.

Then the adrenaline wore off and I rwas slide what a massive mistake I made. It's 2 years on DH is divorcing me and I am desperately, manically lonely.
I think I was suffering empty nest syndrome and also going through premature menopause.

Hi, can I join?

I had to give up work due to illness after my DD was born 14 years ago. I'm now trying to get back into the workplace, not the same career as before, starting again at the bottom in something completely new, but I cannot get a foot in the door anywhere. Age and lack of experience always count against me, but how to get experience without a job? The old catch 22.

I was told by a careers adviser that at my age employers are not looking for potential, as they would in a younger jobseeker, but experience.

So depressing. On the scrapheap before I'm even 50.

Like a pp, I feel stuck and trapped, like there is no way out of this situation. I hate Monday morning when everyone has gone to school and work and I'm at home with nothing to do but the washing up.

I’m teetering on the brink. I turn 40 in the new year and have felt trapped, bored and frustrated for some time. I’m turning into a vile harridan (peri-menopause?) picking fights with DH and shouting at the kids and I dream of a future on my own.

I’ve started exercising and losing weight in order to boost my confidence, I see every man that’s not DH as a potential affair and I have started trying to revive my non-existent career because I feel useless and inadequate.

I look in the mirror and see suddenly an old face and grey hairs but I feel 18 so it’s alarming not to outwardly be so.

I feel I’m right on the edge of doing something crazy and reckless just for the thrill.

I’ve realised I don’t give a monkey’s about money or a nice house. I just want to do all the creative things I lived for before settling down and having kids. I don’t want to hit 70 and wonder where my life went and why I never did the things I dreamed of doing.

yolanda I completely agree with this I see every man that’s not DH as a potential affair

Dp is not a bad man but for the past 3 years I've watched him suffer depression and go through a breakdown. Now he's gone back to uni whilst I'm sat at home, working alone, being mum, holding everything together. The day in day out drudgery of it all makes me cry if this is my future. It's just been so serious between us for far too long now and I'm not sure I respect him anymore. It scares me the thought of being alone but in a good way.

I recently went on a trip for a few days. I'm ashamed to say I didn't miss dp at all. I even hated it when he'd interrupt me by calling me.

I don't know what I'll do about it, I'm trying not to make any major decisions. I am truly dreading Christmas though. 1st 1 without both our dad's, plus him at home 24 hrs a day I do feel like I just don't want to be here anymore.

Yolanda, what helped me was the realisation that excitement, thrill and all things good come from within us and are not externally driven. It feels to you now like this other bloke will be more fun and will make you feel fabulous again, but the truth is YOU are the only one who can make you feel fabulous. It is a delusion to look for it on the outside. You are looking in the wrong place.

90% chance even if you go there, you might feel thrilled and high for a while, but it will revert to normal ‘bored’ you, plus all the devastating consequences you created.

Besides, in reality Hs are rarely as bad as we think. After all, you picked him out of hundreds of men you ever came across in your life and you have built a home/family in partnership. Would this other man be up to the job? Will he stand a test of time?

You are absolutely right JustWondering when you say that happiness comes from within. I know that reckless action has consequences and yet its pull is so strong. I’m doing my best to address this need in me in a way that isn’t going to be damaging but I really feel I’m walking a tightrope above a yawning chasm.

flynn80 - my partner had similar - a burnout/breakdown & 6 months off work, 1 year working part time. With me running around working, caring for 2 young children & running the home. Whilst he sat at home & played his computer, disengaged & disinterestedl

Resentment is a killer in relationships.

I worry about my future too: what if I'm 70 & stuck with this selfish man, who is happy living in debt, failing to support his family in many ways?

I had a plan worked out to leave when the youngest started school. Now I don't think I could rely on him for any sort of financial support for the kids & the economics of me leaving just don't add up.

My family are supportive but live over an hour away. My dad has dementia & my mum a heart condition, so I would be totally on my own.

My 40's seem to be a toxic mix so far.

Oh absolutely, the pull is incredibly strong. But it is not the thing which will solve it though. I think being clear about it and understanding this, is a good enough deterrent...

Sorry the previous post was addressed to Yolanda.

Koala. What an amazing post. Thank you for sharing it.

Looking back, I think I went through it in my 30s. Triggered by my mum's sudden death, a complete change of career, and an affair (mine) that wrecked a long term relationship. It took me about 5 years to get back to something normal.

It stems from becoming aware of one's mortality, I believe. You start to review your life and ask all kinds of questions.

But I no longer feel that everything's over

I really appreciate this thread and all the comments. I'm trying to shift my thinking to feeling that things aren't over. I did a bunch of journaling last night about what "success" means to me and how I might find it in different ways, and while I didn't really figure out what to do next, I felt less stuck.

Just getting unstick is a big step, don't you think?. Deciding to be open to trying something new, risking success or failure.

It seems to go in a cycle of moods for me; the crushing despair of 'is this it?' Becomes a firm no-nonsense 'I can't do this anymore' becomes a manically hopeful 'I could leave! Start again! Do it differently!' Which slowly bleeds out as I realise my finances, age, and bad choices mean there is no starting over. Escape becomes an obsession, and then like any other obsession you realise it was pretty much just in your head