Have you had a midlife crisis?

[Mylaststraw]

I'm in the right age range for it, never imagined that kind of thing would happen to me, but following events about a year back I've realised that life wasn't quite what I thought, relationship wise, for quite some time. Career is in the pan, not sure I can rely on dh being a team in the future, I feel like the past 20 years have been a mistake, regret things and wish I'd made different decisions - classic stuff. Working on it, but... Well, it's hard to move forward with life/shit still happening...
Is it just a stage ppl go through? Have you pulled through the classic midlife crisis and realised it was just a stage of doubt? Or did you bail and regret it? Or even come out the other side better for it? How??
I feel like I'm slowly edging towards a big change, not sure what but I seem to be taking one step forward and two back with life progression atm.

Not midlife yet but definitely "lost myself" after having children. Hated my job, hated my house and was so down on myself I was starting to let people push me around etc.

Turned it around completely in a year or so and for me it started with a new job which allowed me to be around new people who didn't know the me who constantly kicked herself and just took me at face value. That reflection made me realise I wasn't the anxious, boring, weak person I'd been thinking of myself as iyswim.

I'm fairness I still hate my house but have improved it drastically. I got new hobbies which introduced me to new circles of people, kept pushing myself out of my comfort zone by going on associated training courses and to events etc and ended up achieving a lot through them. I stopped engaging entirely with the people who were bringing me down and I feel a million times better for it. Our whole family is better as a result of our new lifestyle and I have so much more confidence now.

My advice would be to change one big thing in your life that you don't like and the rest will come.

lila that's exactly how it feels for me. Dh will do/say/behave in a dismissive or otherwise shitty way that reminds me about his previous unacceptable behaviour and things which have not been fully resolved. Age/no work/drudgery etc piles in, and the cycle starts again. As it's not wholly caused by me, I really don't see how it can end unless I ignore the triggers, which makes me feel like I'm allowing myself to be downtrodden and taken for granted deliberately. Yet a few years ago I had dealt with stuff and carried on fine! So have I just woken up to reality or is it that natural slump?
Driving me mad!
All feels very, erm, existential...

Just wondering - so true! My flings were thrilling for the short time they lasted and had me a very temporary lift from the gloom but long term they left me cold and even more depressed. I can't find happiness in my life. I can't be happy in myself. It's mentally torturing me. I don't know why. I just don't feel happy, ever.

It is strangely reaasuring that so many.of us feel this way.

Wormulonian Yes I do think my illness has impacted on me hugely. It shook the foundations of my life.

Its like ive woken up and ive aged, my teens dont need me (except my money and lifts). My eldest has gone to uni and I can see very clearly she has no reaaon to return here. We only moved here 2 years ago and she after moving every 2 years with my husbabds job in the Forces. Sge has no friends or roots here. Nor do I. Ive made acquaintances here but not friends.

Ive tried very hard to change my life. Full time college a completely new job in a new industry. Ive pushed myself out of my comfort zone searching for something- not sure what, maybe validstion in myself but ive not found much satisfaction.
I feel on the edge of life. Dh works away constantly, travelling all over the world, teen dc arw off doing their own thing. My friends seem to live interesting and exciting lives. Going away at weekends, theatre trips, spa days, girls nights out, holidays etc etc. I never achieve going anywhere. Im stuck holding the fort with ungrateful teens at home that dont want me there, rarely speak or acknowledge my existence but are too young ( and dc2 has mh issues) to be left whilst i indulge myself. There is always always a reason i cant bugger off somewhere. Its relentless and thankless. Im invisible and lack importance to anyone. Most of my life is utterly joyless.
I just see time passing me by and im stuck on a hamster wheel of drudgery. I feel trapped and bored.
I get days where i feel like im on the cusp or edge of doing something utterly outrageous. I plan running away. A new identity snd statting over judt me, on my own. Im not sure what exactly i want to do but its like i have the urge deep inside me to shock in someway the people that i should matter to, but that participate in making me feel so pointless and invisible.

I came very close to Greek Island hopping in the summer. For 3 days i hovered over booking the flight and ferry tickets. I had a 6 week itinery all planned. I eas judt going to go leaving a note saying " bye fuckers see you on 6 weeks if i can be arsed to come back"! That is just not like me at all but dows the dimmering resentment and anger i feel about my life.

I can resonate with a lot here. But I think you can have a “life crisis” at any age. I think perhaps it just tends to happen more in late 30s / 40s because society pushes this idea on us that we have to have it all “sorted” by then and god forbid anyone actually ages...! Anyone would think a woman of 45 plus is dead already.

I’m 37 and I’ve had a really difficult life in many, many ways. I’ve probably had several life crisis times already - nearly had a nervous breakdown aged 13 from severe psychological bullying from my supposed best friend (changed schools etc and missed a year because of it all), ended up with an abusive arsehole from 18-23 and left him when dd was 6 months old, nursed my Gran through terminal bowel cancer at home with me aged 23 whilst dealing with severe pnd myself... Got married and then divorced after that (now ex dh left me for his ex girlfriend he’d reconnected with on Facebook!), was made redundant in the same year and lost everything financially, had to completely start over, had massive mid life (or whatever) crisis and went out drinking every weekend when dd was with her Dad, slept with completely unsuitable younger blokes, did some very stupid things etc etc. Then met and now married to dh and things have been pretty stable really since.... except my health has suddenly gone completely shut! (Diagnosed with several rare immune disorders), so I’m struggling with that and wondering what life is going to look like for me from here on in. My mental health isn’t very good at the moment, loads of health anxiety.

But I’m not sure it’s an age thing.

My mum is 70 and completely loves her life now but if you had said that to her 10 / 20 years ago she would have laughed you out of the room. She’s brave though and just goes for things and doesn’t dare to think what’s round the corner.

llama I hear you. Dh is in the forces too, doesn't make it any easier, does it? I've often wanted to drive towards the sun after dropping DC off at school and shack up by a beach somewhere. But of course someone has to pick DC back up again.
Anyone want to do a Thelma and Louise with me?

Mylaststraw - Yes!! Count me in!

It does feel existential doesn't it straw - I mean it is really because once you start wondering what the meaning of all this thwarted ambition and pointless suffering might be as you get older (if you're like me you'll also analyse your pain to death) then you end up asking harder questions about it in general. I used to think like this even before I got sober and part of getting out of my head all hours was to escape the reality of life essentially being one long dreadful realisation that you can never go back. If you were lucky enough to have innocence and ignorance as a child the longing for that state of grace consumes you, and if you didn't you realise, as I wrote earlier, that there's no reward for any of that pain and it merely changes shape as you grow up.

When you're a kid you think adulthood is a marvellous adventure where you can do or be anything (and while you're fantasising you never question why your parents weren't all weren't famous writers or actors or astronauts) and when you get there it's mostly responsibility and loss.

I also do children's parties.

This resonates with me too. I'm 44 and my main issue is my DH although I'm also sad about friendships I've lost over the years. I really can't decide whether i need to work at this or be better off leaving DH (together 10 years, married 7). We have no children due to fertility issues on his side originally, but obviously time wasn't on my side towards the end of our time trying for a family. We gave up on it all (after a few rounds of ivf) and to be honest I now feel a relief that it didn't work as my fear is I'd be far more miserable than I am now. (Obviously when we were trying it was the one thing I wanted more than anything). My DH isn't abusive or particularly bad, just not very engaging/communicative and we have very little in common and in some cases opposing ideas on things. Wasn't a problem at the start, I think I was just delighted to meet someone fairly normal, now I think wtf was I thinking. It was like the day after we got married things changed. He stopped making the effort and / or I noticed all the things that were wrong with the relationship. It's driving me insane and I don't want to waste more time on this if it's not right but likewise I really don't want to make the wrong decision. It's not always that bad - that's the problem! I've just got myself into a cycle of always thinking that I need to make a decision on this. The age thing doesn't help, if I was 10 years younger and felt like this I doubt I'd spend years weighing it all up!

Fairylea, come to think of it, I too have had serious crises in my life (apart from the obvious painful teenage years). When I was 20, I was at the top of my game training to be a professional musician, but towards the end of my training I had this horrible feeling a pp described up thread of life going past me and I am outside of it, I am living someone else’s life, this is not the life I am meant to live. So I shocked everyone after my spectacular graduation recitals and abruptly left the field to go into something not in any way connected with art. The first nine months were excruciating, as all I knew before was music, but I also realised I hit a dead end and there was no future for me even if I became very successful in my musical career.

This 180 degree change led to me travelling abroad as an exchange student and realising I want to live a different country. Where I have now built my whole life, career, family. It all won’t be here if not for that massive u-turn and existential crisis in my earlier adulthood.

The big difference with the current life stage though is there isn’t just me to get up and go, leave everything behind to start afresh. There are my children, my husband, my whole functioning life which weren’t there in my twenties. So it’s a very different position in that respect.

I also do children's parties.

He stopped making the effort and / or I noticed all the things that were wrong with the relationship.
I seriously wonder how much this kind of thing affects it, user. I got sighed at last night for leaving a teaspoon on the unit while he had just filled the dishwasher. He's been leaving stuff all over the place for as long as I can remember (which I would tidy up 9 times out of 10) and it staggers me that he can't see the sheer hypocrisy of it. I've been deliberately being more dh since 'realisation day', and he doesn't like it.

Yes, I'm a petty biatch!

But I think you can have a “life crisis” at any age. I think perhaps it just tends to happen more in late 30s / 40s because society pushes this idea on us that we have to have it all “sorted”

Even though you can have a life crises at any age, this one is unique. Our hormones shift during perimenopause and then menopause so our emotional response can be different to something in our life that hasn't changed. At the same time, our children grow up and no longer need us in the same way.

This period is absolutely a major life transition for women -- biologically and from time a time resource point of view.

I'm invisible and lack importance to anyone

It's odd how many women I know who feel this way that in spite of running homes, raising children, often working in "helping" professions.

I'm invisible and lack importance to anyone

It's odd how many women I know who feel this way that in spite of running homes, raising children, often working in "helping" professions.

I think it's because there's so little recognition compared to working in big business or establishments. Even in areas such as construction, there is a physical result at the end of the day, so you feel like you've achieved something. Not so being a sahp/carer, where there are no measurable results to be seen at the end of the day and you're not paid anyway (sahp). Practically everything you do is unseen/unnoticed therefore usually unappreciated.

Not really. I’ve been divorced for over a decade and solely responsible for the kids, so have never had the space to fall apart.

I’ve reassessed and gotten cynical and lost my hope and the naivety that said I would be happy again. But that’s just being realistic. To me a mid-life crisis involves not coping and a certain amount of selfishness. Under that definition, then no.

@lizzieoak
To me a mid-life crisis involves not coping and a certain amount of selfishness

Interesting... So if you're going through all the struggles mentioned here, but still keep doing everything you have been doing for others, or make changes that don't negatively affect others, that's not a midlife crisis? (I'm assuming by saying 'selfish' you mean decisions which negatively affect others... )
(not being goady, just interested )

Yes ... and that’s just the definition in my head. I think it could mean different things to different people? In my life I’ve seen people say they’re having a mid-life crisis and the behaviour I see (the surface visible stuff) is that they start putting themselves first on every occasion (kids last kind of thing). So to me it’s got that as part of it, but certainly to others it could be a crisis of faith, love, confidence, career, or all of those and either be so difficult that they can’t soldier on, or they do soldier on but it’s still a crisis.

I was roughly the same person from 20-40 odd. My divorce and parent’s senility and teenager’s wobble, and sibling’s behaviour, and lover’s deceit all changed me (for the worse).

Totally. This is me. I’m 47 and feel totally hopeless. Two DC and one utterly selfish DH. There’s been no sex for almost 2 years and now there is almost no intimacy. Feels like what’s the point?!? Is this it forever. I’ve got no career and no hope and feels like time has run out. I just want to rewind the clock 15 years and make different decisions. I wouldn’t have got married! I feel that I missed out by not going travelling around the world and making the most of my health and goodlooks when I had them rather than wasting years on a miserable selfish man. I’m thinking about leaving this big detached comfortable house that is my responsibility to keep clean and move to a fun town, into a small maintenance easy apartment where I can then spend my time/energy on doing fun things that I enjoy and making new friends

Wow after yet another Sunday afternoon feeling rubbish, I stumbled onto this thread - made me feel so much relief that it's not just me!!!

I am 45, have a relatively successful career and a great Dh - four kids, mi of junior and senior schools...

In the last year life just feels relentless. It should feel better but the no support from family, relative isolation and work being pretty stressful seems to have spun me into a crisis. I have been trying to move jobs for a couple of years but it's not happened yet.

Biggest feeling is being trapped but often feel I should count me blessings more. I feel sorry for Dh who has to listen to me saying how I feel so down and my life is so crap once a fortnight!!!

Ps to the poster who says midlife crisis involves selfishness... It's probably the opposite for me. In the last 14 years Dh and I have done nothing for ourselves - it's all been kids first.

Suddenly as kids are getting more independent, the small bits of time we do get feel daunting and trigger all these thoughts!

ChickenMom- that's exactly how I feel. What make it worse to deal with is the knowledge that my own bad choices have led to this. I wasn't cut out for marriage and kids so why I went down that route I don't know.

Yes to the major transition at this life stage. Both DC's are now at secondary school and I'm feeling redundant. Of course they still need me but not in the practical day to day sense.

I have no career and trying to start one at 47 is beyond hard. Much harder also when I am always thinking what's the point of doing anything, feel generally tired and worn out (probably peri menopausal) and there seems like nothing to look forward to except an endless round of drudge and relentless housework. I'm bored of all the things I used to enjoy but haven't found any replacements. Have definitely got more cynical and feel there really is no point to life at all.

So much here resonates with me. LaughingLlama you said your life feels "utterly joyless"- mine has felt that way for a long time. I heard my teens laughing their heads off playing a console game last night. I just can't recall when I last laughed like that.

Fairylea lovely to hear your 70 year old mum is happier now. Gives me hope.
lilawolf I too thought adulthood would be wondrous.I had a pretty awful childhood and had high hopes for adulthood (being a famous writer and using my money to help people- ha ha) but it is all a grind still and just managing to get along. Even when I had a "career" in my 20's I didn't really find it that fulfilling - I actually enjoyed the Saturday/holiday job I had in 6th form working in a busy local newsagents more if truth be told. I think up to now (despite a few other life crises)my life has been a " triumph of hope over experience". I think my current despair is that I have now lost that hope and realise like others have pointed out upthread that there is "no great reward".

One thing laughingllama about your children. I too have some unappreciative teens at home atm but have a 25 year old DD who lives in London. Having had to manage living away at uni and now with a busy "career" she is very appreciative of all that I have done for which is lovely.

I feel that I am merely the "housekeeper" these days and like others an almost "invisible" presence.

My sister lives at the other end of the country. She maintained her "career" and both she and her husband earn 6 figure salaries. They have 3 DC and employ a full time housekeeper (laundry,food, DC timetable etc) and a twice weekly cleaner. They also, when needed, have a gardener and odd job guy and when the DC were younger they had a live in au pair as well for school pick ups/taking to holiday clubs. The DC when younger spent most of the holidays with their paternal GP's.
I confided that I was feeling a bit low on our last phone call and my sister said she wasn't surprised since "I had sat on my arse for the past 20 years!" I pointed out who did she think did all the jobs she paid a small army of people to do? ( I had 6 DC to look after as my SIL's DC lived with us for long stretches of time and are back again atm). It really hurt me though. Feel I have cocked up massively and no longer have any confidence. Has her way been better - all her kids are high achievers? She has fabulous holidays away with her DH whilst mine shows me no affection and can barely muster a kind word.

I have started to try to put my own needs first a bit more but I think I need a more sweeping change but totally hampered by finances and seem to be unemployable.

I confided that I was feeling a bit low on our last phone call and my sister said she wasn't surprised since "I had sat on my arse for the past 20 years!" I pointed out who did she think did all the jobs she paid a small army of people to do?

She really has no idea, has she? I hope your words made her think a bit grunka. I'm not surprised you felt hurt.

I think I'm in a bit of a vicious cycle - feeling useless career/appearance/ambition/motivation wise... Much less interesting than everyone dh meets still out at work... Get overlooked/taken for granted/part of the background... Feel crap in comparison to these vibrant, lively ppl... And on it goes...

I agree - it feels too difficult to make effective changes hampered by finances and unemployment.

I'm on my second MLC.

First one when I was in my mid-thirties involved ending an awful marriage.

Now with new DP. Kids are leaving the nest (one down, one to go) and I've left my profession (teaching. Nearly killed me).

Have opened a business, which is fun but won't make enough money to live on.

I'm now 43 and realising that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I have a lot of years ahead (I hope) and no idea what to do with them - and I need to make some money.

My dream was to be a writer, but I'm not going to get a steady income doing that, am I?

Bit lost, tbh.