looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

i am so sorry!!!! [[hugs]] to you xxxx

I think the joy of MN is that we dont know him so our "advice" is impartial...your friends and family would want to protect YOU, his would want to protect him.

You did you best...I moved on without the person I thought was my soul mate with the wisdom of time I can say he really wasnt.

oh honney. I read your last thread but didn't post.

the moving forward part will be a slow process. and not sure how to go about helping you, but talk it all out with us. pratically what thingys need to be done/have you done that might help in some way - at least be a distraction?

MLS No sympathy or harsh words here. Only a shoulder if you need it...

hi MLS

I'm so so so sorry to hear this. I really don't know what to say to help I'm afraid.

I too am pretty much at the end of my tether and am having to seriously face the fact that there is no hope for me and dh now.

Different circs (somewhat) but after all his promises and having had a great Easter he's failed to show up to mediation today.

I feel like he's just wasted his last chance.

You're so strong and I have so much respect for you. Despite what your heart tells you, you are taking action to make a happy future for you and your ds. I've waited way way too long to do the same.

So, I can only say that you, of all people, will be okay. Of that I'm sure.

I'll be watching for replies in the hope I can take some of the advice on board and achieve the same thing.

Totally relate to being fed up with a life of drama. I call it my car crash life and I'm thoroughly fed up with it.

Big (((((hugs)))))

mylittlestar, I posted on a previous thread of yours and was encouraging about you giving it another go. I just want to say if this is it - and it does sound as if you can't trust him - you will be fine. And there is a vibe of deep inner strength and self-worth that shines out from your post even though it is sad and you may not feel that way now. You know you (and DS) deserve that quiet and happy life - and so does your DH, whatever it make take for him to deal with his problems have a happy life too. I really admire you for not wanting to slag him off. I haven't been in this exact situation myself - i.e. with a child involved - but I'd imagine that focusing on your DS, and how to make everything as good as it can be for him, will be a great help to you.

I know many MNers who have taken this step will be here to encourage you along the way as well.

Sounds immensely sensible to go into work, but do give yourself space to feel, as well.

Don't worry, won't slag your DH- we never know the whole story on here anyway so i do try not to when i can.

As that text was a reply, it does seem an ongoing thing doesn't it?

It sounds as if you need to rebuild your life alone, sweetie. Of course that MAY be enough to drag him back into the relationship (why do men do that?) but I think its likely there's be a lot of hurdles re trust to get over.

This pain won't last forever, you will move forwards. Just take it a day at a time, do what you need to adn ew'll all be here for you.

X

thank you so much everyone

munz I have two job interviews this week for a role closer to home (i have a 3 hour commute) - so practically, i can focus on them. that will be a good distraction. and sorting my job will mean i have much more time at home with ds.

it's also my birthday next week so i thought i should perhaps arrange a big night out with the girls. no crying or talking about dh. just drinking and dancing! that would be nice.

mls - obv you'll be up and down but from your postings, you gave it your all, you seem a lovely lady and to be quite honest deserve the very best, keep on fighting and chipping away, won't be easy, but I know you have the strenght to do what is best for you and your son

good luck with the job as well, - knock em dead

peachy thank you. i can't give myself time to feel at the moment as i know i'll break down. and there will be nobody here to give me the hug i need. but i know what you mean and i know i'll need to deal with this properly at some point, instead of distracting myself with things that all now seem quite insignificant.

i'm getting my virtual hugs from you guys and its getting me through for now

That's fair enough, makes sense to be in a safe palce first. But to rebuild the house stronger and better, first you need to break down the old one

omg mls, I saw the thread title and hoped it wouldn't be you, but that old gut feeling was there.

big hugs from me.

and an email on it's way. xxx

Take care of yourself.

MLS have nothing to offer but I have been lurking on your posts and just want to let you know you are being thought of.

i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

i think this is what you have to focus on now, i had seen your thread and really admired you for how you were dealing with everything, but i cant see how your marrige could ever move on from this, or even how you would ever want it to.

mls- there does came a point where you say to yourself I can't hang in there for you anymore! what more can you do to help him realise what's important in life? Noyhing- he's an adult he has to take responsibility for his own actions in life and the consiquences of them!

The only thing I add from my experience is this- my dh did exactly the same- he couldnn't stop conatct with her, he lied to me about it, infact it took months for him to get her out of his system so to speak.....the thing that "saved" him was at the time I didn't find out, it was months layer i found out the true extent of his lies etc by then however he had completely changed, put himself in counselling and was doing everything possible to make things right. he admitted to me then the months of still having contact with her but begged me to consider where we were at that moment- his more recent actions saved him and I kept us going. we are still together 3 years on, closer, stronger- not over it , but slowly getting ther.
Howeverhad I known at the time the rtue extent of his deceipt I am sure despite all the love and my trying to accept it was just one huge mistake in his life- I thinbk I would have called it a day- you get exhausted at putting in all the effort he has to take control of his emotions and start making the right choices.

You are a strong kind hearted woman, you must not reproach yourself in any way for what's happening now - he had his chance- he blew it........the sad thing is from my experince he is probably still going through the ending it thing- taking far too long!!!!! and he'll wake up one day to the reality of true love (not this fantasy thing he's been dabbling in) It will however likely be too late by then.

You do whatever you need to now- it is your life, no one can tell you if your right or not - you have to live it- if you chose to keep trying then thta's your choice , if you chose to move on - you've tried everything.

take care honey.....you are worth so much more than this and he's such a HUGE fool for not seeing that yet!

[sad XX

That was supposed to be

XX

Trust me!!

MLS - I'm so sorry to hear this

FWIW I think people in this situation do often struggle to make the break from the OW - no comfort to you at all.

Give yourself a bit of space to try and think things through over the next few weeks. I know I'm being really boring by saying it again, but IME the outcome for a marriage of one party having an affair takes a long time to determine, months rather than weeks, usually. The journey is a roller coaster, not a smooth train ride from A to B as my counsellor used to say

In the meantime, be kind to yourself and spend some time looking after your needs

I work in the City too - so if you ever fancy a coffee or lunch to chat things through and offload then let me know

So sorry, MLS.

So sorry MLS. No rant, just take heart that one day, probably soon, he'll realised he's weed on his French Fries and it will be too damn late

thank you everyone. have had some lunch and have decided to tell a friend in work (who doesn't know dh) just to get a hug and some RL support. I feel much better now.

hitchcock, kimi, mateychops, cashncarry, paddlechick, snowleopard, peachy, munz, ernest, pinkchampagne. the hugs and kind words and support mean everything to me.

contentiouscat hopefully the wisdon of time will help me as well. everything happens for a reason!

lovemybed i completely agree. me and ds are the focus now. i'll try never to forget that.

maturer thanks for the lovely post and advice.

soapbox thank you. i think perhaps i did think it was all sorted quite quickly and we could move on relatively easily. i hope things settle down from this point on though...

iohw i do trust you

Iklboo you made me smile for the first time today!

Be safe in the knowledge that once you find the truth, reality is much easier to handle.

Onwards and upwards!!!! XX

I can't add anything constructive without repeating what others have already so eloquently said but I wanted you to know that I'm also thinking of you and sending good wishes and positive vibes your way

Big huggs

thank you