looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

MLS - not boring at all darling! You've taken a big step forward despite all the further heartbreak DH has put you through this weekend. It must have been horrendous and cathartic at the same time for you to be honest with your family

I'm glad you realised you could have a good time without him. You've given this guy a lot of chances and made life very easy for him - it's been said before but I'll say it again, you've literally let him have his cake and eat it! You've been an amazing and thoughtful wife, now it's time you turned some of that attention to yourself. You must see that no matter how much leeway you give him, he still doesn't have the capacity to do the same for you - at the moment.

Nothing is permanent - your decision to go it alone for the time being could be the making of your DH. It's time you gave him the chance to stand on his own two feet - if nothing else it will give you the time and space to start making a life for yourself without him in the picture.

It's so weird that I just logged on to see how you were. I've literally just sent DH off to the shops with DD (after practically getting down on my hands and knees) so that I could have a minute to myself. I was thinking about you so your ears must be burning! Anyway, feel free to email/text me anytime hon - life is pretty shyte at the moment I know but things will get better I promise

Keep your chin up xx

oh mls. what a horrible thing to do - no you're not unreasonable - very very accomodating if you ask me. he'll realise what a good thing he's lost and want to come back, but you and DS deserve better. i'm glad your family are supporting you - have you told them the ins and outs so far?

Hi MLS

It's good to 'hear' from you

I don't think you need any advice, you seem to have it all worked out which is great. You know what you need to do, you just have to find the strength to see it through.

Perhaps when DH comes calling, asking to be 'let back in', you could use his words, tell him your head is a mess and you need some space. See how he likes it!

You have been tolerant beyond belief. It's time for DH to start behaving like the grown man he is and stop behaving like a spoilt child. He has been very fortunate that you have allowed him the space he has needed to sort out his head, then allowed him back into your life again. I'm sure a lot of women would be a lot less tolerant and would have kicked him to the kerb long before now, in true Jeremy Kyle style!!

Stay strong MLS. XXX

oh MLS, so sorry to say that this behaviour is so familiar to me.

dh comes, has a great time, tells me how happy he is here with us and talks about the future.

then wham bam a few days later he's stressed and his head is banging and he can't cope all over again.

you're an inspiration to me. get in touch if you want to talk.

i too am at the stage where it's time to leave him to his self-obsessed navel gazing and poor pitiful me crap!

am going to try really hard to get more time to myself - my away day has done wonders for me and my relationship with dd.

take care and big hugs mate.

Thanks everyone. munz without the gory detail I've now told my family most things and stopped defending him. I've alluded to an other woman, but spared them the detail of the 19 year old, possible pregnancy etc etc. Just from the little I've told them they get the picture and are pretty much lost for words other than I am now doing the right thing. Which I do know.
(Although the right thing still feels like it should be to help him. But I have to stop that way of thinking to protect myself.)

To make matters worse though, the ow is obviously a bit upset that he has stopped contact or whatever (not too sure exactly what's happened or what he's said). But basically she's been texting me abuse all afternoon. First of all that I've ruined her life! That I am the most naive 28 year old on the planet. That I have used my baby to keep a man who doesn't love me! That I need to wake up and realise a loveless marriage is worthless... they go on!

I really didn't need that today of all days She can't get to him so she's chosen to get to me.

I didn't reply to any. But after the 8th message I just wrote back and said "Please leave me and my baby alone. I'm sorry your hurting. But believe me, 'ds' and I are hurting more than you will ever know. Let me bring my baby up in peace."

She just wrote back literally 2 mins ago and said 'I'm sorry'

I hope and pray that's the last time I ever hear from her. I actually think it might be.

What made me so though, is that our marriage is far from loveless. We were having problems but dh is very mentally ill at the moment, extremely depressed and confused. But has never once said he doesn't love me. And I know he does. He just does not have the ability at this point in time to be a husband to me.

SimplySparkling you have hit the nail on the head I think. He is deliberately sabotaging things because he hates himself so much and thinks that after all the love and support I have given, and he then got back in touch with her, he does not deserve me anyway. He has no idea that all it would take to make me happy is his unconditional love and him being there for me and ds. But sadly that is too much to ask right now...

Anyway, I'm doing ok and I am now off to do some serious MNing and catching up! 3 days has been too long!

Thank you everyone

MLS I admire your strength so much.
Stay strong x

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October I know - it's like the selfishness has just completely taken over. Hard to comprehend.

My post just then saying that should be the last time I hear from her... lol!

I just got a massive text of her. Said she's ashamed of herself. That she is sorry for continually trying to hurt me. That she truly fell in love with him but has now realised he just used her. And then put "Massive lesson learnt. Truly sorry"

Have no idea how genuine that was. No idea if this is all a ploy to make me believe what they want me to believe. But I will ignore my cynical side and accept that dh has really called it off, and she is a young girl who fell hook, line and sinker for the pathetic lines from a married man. I guess my text back to her must have had some sort of impact.

I'm quite taken aback... the hurt and sadness that can be spread by the actions of one selfish person is really astounding.

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Yes I really think he did

MLS, to a certain degree you'll never know. my advice would be to stop any further contact with the OW and try to put her and her life out of yours.

you owe her nothing, she owes you what she appears to have finally given - an apology.

whatever the outcome for you and dh, the OW has to be put in the past and out of your mind.

they're so dumb these guys. what you said about unconditional love etc really struck a chord for me. my dh has to do so little to keep me on side and continue to have my support.

every time he goes off on one the conditions get lighter and lighter. all he had to do was telephone each day.

he can't even manage that.

yes, there's the depression to contend with but there's basic common decency too....

paddlechick I know - does depression really affect people to the point where they are unable to have any regard for anyone's feelings except their own? does it affect judgement to the extent that they have no idea of the difference between right and wrong?

in some ways they are genuine questions? I have no idea of how depression can affect people and I wonder if any of his actions can be 'excused' due to his illness...

MLS, Im sure my DP is depressed, and at the moment he cant see past himself at all. Unfortunately he cant see into himself either, so we're in a sort of Kramer V Kramer situation at the moment where he wants to "sort himself out" but cant do that with us.

He is also in some fantasy land, where he can walk out the door, buy and furnish a new place for himself, and we stay in current house, in spite of overdraft and me only working part time.

Ive been depressed, and I never stopped thinking of other people's feelings - I couldnt have continued working if I had. it affects everyone differently I suppose.

fubsy, i agree that depression seems to affect people differently.

don't shoot me, but i think men are more likely to use their depression as an excuse for some pretty abominable behaviour.

Mls will reiterate IOHW you don't need any advice you seem to have things sorted. The apology off the ow sounded genuine to me tbh, let's hope that's the last time you have to hear from her. I really do feel this is down to his depression although that cannot excuse him. I have someone close to me who is very depressed at the moment and they are really only thinking of themselves and have a feeling of inevitability about their life, as if they have no power to change it and are hurting people along the way. I have spent a great deal of time with them this w end and can see many similair traits to your dh though not as extreme, i am pushing them to take their ad's at the moment in the hope that this will counteract the chemical imbalance that is creating this irrational and completely out of character behaviour. Although like you am not sure where their choices begin and the depression ends. Thinking of you and ds take care x

Hi

thanks lilyloo, paddlechick, fusby - strangely it helps to know that there are similar traits in people you know with depression. I agree that it's hard to see the line where the depression ends and the personal choices start, but lily, the way you describe your friend in that they "are really only thinking of themselves and have a feeling of inevitability about their life, as if they have no power to change it and are hurting people along the way". That could have been me describing dh. Exactly.

fusby it sounds like you're having an awful time too I wish I could find the words to help. Have you got some good support to help you? Can we help?

paddlechick have you heard anything from him?

I have just been to doctors. She said I've done great to cope this far without time off but totally agreed it was time for me to look after myself and take some time out. I broke down when she asked if I still love him and want the marriage to work. So she said I need to get myself in the right frame of mind now so that I can continue to find the strength to deal with what he's doing.

She was great and has signed me off due to the headaches. She has prescribed sleeping tablets (I'm not sleping at all - not like me!). Has also said I need to eat well. Has referred me to the in-house counsellor. Wants to re-assess me for depression just to make sure I'm not slipping that way too. Wants to see me every week for the moment. And is sending the health visitor out to give me some practical help and advice regading ds.

And I am willing to accept all the help I can get let me tell you!

" Fubsy"

must preview and spell check!!

Hi MLS

Just popped in to say hello. You seem to be doing all the right things. I'm so pleased you are putting yourself first.

Stay strong and keep your chin up {smile] xx

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Wow, MLS am staggered at his behaviour over the weekend. Have thought a lot since reading that post about how similarly you and I have treated our husbands, only for a similar end result. I too have given him a long leash, bent over to try to accommodate him with big nights out, him sometimes having a few nights out in a small space of time if needed etc. I have let him get away with not doing as much as he should around the house, and sometimes not being as good a father as he should / could have been. I thought I was doing this to compromise, to not be a nagging wife, to let him think that his wife was great. But my god how it's backfired seemingly.

Not only has he left me, but he thinks / says it's all my fault. That's really scary to me because I genuinely thought I was being a good wife. We have had our ups and downs like anyone, but I made vows to him at our wedding, and I take them seriously. The thought that he hasn't, and has seemingly done this so easily, is just completely staggering. How could he love me but do this to me? I know your husband has behaved slightly differently, but we both think they do love us, but can't be there to be a husband and father at the moment. Both the OW here are probably irrelevant, it's not really about them. They are just boys in men's bodies who can't cope with the responsibilities they have welcomed into their lives. It makes me so, so angry to think about it.

I'm glad you've seen the doctor and are looking out for yourself, that's great news and a good, positive step forward, well done.

Speak soon xx

hi mls, glad to hear your dr is sympathetic and is going to keep a close eye on you.

even more glad to hear that you're taking the help too - good for you.

i haven't heard from dh since thursday and i haven't been in touch with him either. his mother said she'd speak to him again but clearly it hasn't had any effect - if she did anyway.

i'm due back in work on weds but have to say not having been in for a week has been good for me.

my dr prescribed ADs for me, i've got them but haven't taken them.

am really in a quandry about it. just don't feel dd needs to have both parents on ADs and am very anxious about taking them.

on the other hand, am very aware that i am finding life tricky and am losing my ability to think of others and my normal desire to do nice things for people. well, to be more accurate, i think about doing something nice but then can't actually get myself in gear to do it.

same with jobs around the house etc - just can't motivate myself to do much at all....

it's easier to do nothing than to make a decision.

am worried that this is classic depressed behaviour altho i don't really know much about it!

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Hi Lilybubble

I don't really know if you will think this relevant but it was the 'we think they love us' that brought the following to mind. At the moment I am following an abuse recovery program and these are just snippets from it that I wondered if you might find helpful in some way. Nothing lost if not

Love is a feeling. It can also be used as leverage. Love is the trump card he might use when he realizes that he is really pushing his luck with you.

Love is, in the end, whatever feelings you choose to project on to that word.

Love is about how you relate to another person in the day to day, not just mouthing the time honourd cliche once in a while.

Love is never feeling you need to shovel your partners dross for them.

Take care xx

IOHW "Love is about how you relate to another person in the day to day, not just mouthing the time honourd cliche once in a while" - so true

MLS and Lilybubble - I can't really seem to find the words today. I'm just gobsmacked at how much your partners have taken for you both for granted. Was it you that got your job back Lilybubble - I'm so pleased for you if it was!

MLS - you're doing really well to make sure you've got as much support as possible. That is the difference between you and your DH - you won't sink to a level of self-pity where you're unable to function and keep hurting the ones you love. You should be so proud of yourself for that

mls im so sorry to read of your shyte weekend but im glad you have taken the stand you have. Im sure you dh does want you and ds but he doesnt want to admit his in the wrong easier for men to blame us for everything.

I so feel for all on here going through this rough time. I wish we could make them see and understand the pain they are causing to you all and their own dc.

Im not wordly or as wise as a lot of fab women on here but am thinking of you all and praying you all get the love and happiness you deserve xx