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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

looks like it's over

961 replies

mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 11:48

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

OP posts:
Jonut · 18/04/2007 15:57

Oh littlestar, don't know what to say but sending lots of love and hugs your (and your Ds's) way. It just hurts so much doesn't it? I hope one day that all these arseholes that have hurt all of us lovely ladies on MN get a taste of their own medicine and someone does it to them, just so they can see exactly what they did to us, just how agonisingly painful it is. You're and inspiration tbh, you seem so strong and I wish you all the luck, love, affection and respect in the future, whatever it may bring xXx

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 16:02

thanks FL and jonut. really appreciate your support

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:04

paddlechick. Im sorry things are so bad for you. You should book yourself into a swanky hotel, take some time out to think about you. You deserve it. XX

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 16:20

paddlechick how about we book a swanky hotel together and escape! make sure it's a big suite. with a spa bath. lots of champagne and chocolates. oh, and a separate room so that my ds and your dd can play without interrupting our pampering and slagging off men session

seriously though i do hope you're ok. you've put up with a hell of a lot more than me and you've been amazing. only you can decide what's best to do next but i will help and support you in any way i can. your dh will also wake up one day and realise just what he's lost

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:25

Ermmmm! What about us lot?

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 16:30

of course you're welcome! the suite will be that big that all of our best mates will be more than welcome!!

OP posts:
Paddlechick666 · 18/04/2007 16:31

i think there's a gap in the market for a MumsNet Hotel y'know.

Spa rooms, peace and tranquility, champagne and chocolate on tap, creche facilties, treatments etc etc

extras available could include escort and legal services!

thanks MLS, really appreciate the time you've spent helping me in the midst of your own traumas.

i'm trying to pluck the courage up to book somewhere - just don't want to look like a saddo tho !

Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:34

That sounds BLISS!!!! As long as it's not called Heartbreak Hotel!!

Don't you worry about anything, looking a saddo, what anyone else will think, etc. You just do it!! Who cares what anyone else thinks!

And by the way, you are far from being a saddo. You might be a woman who is sad but you are definatley not a saddo. You just need some time to recharge your batteries

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 16:37

Know what you mean about looking like a saddo! i want to just pack up and go too but it sounds like a good idea until ds falls asleep and i'm sat in a lonely hotel on my own.

That's where your MN Hotel idea sounds absolutely perfect. I love it!

Justine can we have one?? Please!!

If you find a hotel that has lots of good looking, (single) business men in it, then get dd to sleep in her pram or on a sofa in the bar area and then just sit there looking gorgeous... you never know!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:41

Nobody fancy camping then? Living off the land.......and vodka

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 16:45

camping and vodka... give me the location! i'll be there!

OP posts:
Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:48

We could make a hammock for the DC's, light a camp fire and sing rugby songs!!! No nice men pretending to be single to look at but who needs em anyway! Between Asda and Ann Summers we have comletely done away with the need for men!

Paddlechick666 · 18/04/2007 16:53

lol! i love camping and vodka and i used to have a very friendly relationship!

alas no more tho, i had to dump vodka after some very shady morning after the night before shenannigans.

would that i could be so forthright with dhh (dickheadhusband) but clearly not!

Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:54

Taking DD to the swings for a while so you may all have gone by the time I get back. Wishing you all as pleasant an evening as is possible. See you tomorrow xx

Ifonlyhewould · 18/04/2007 16:56

Quick note to paddlechick.

Forget morning after the night before shenanigans. Our mission is the night before the morning shenanigans!! You and Vodka will be reaquainted, DHH will be a distant memory

October · 18/04/2007 17:00

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 17:05

October thank you.

Our situations are very different and I would never think of any less of you for what has happened with you. In fact I think a lot more of you that you've come this far and got through so much even after everything you've had to deal with. Thanks for your support xx

OP posts:
October · 18/04/2007 17:10

Message withdrawn

PeachyChocolateEClair · 18/04/2007 17:15

October even though i wouldnt blame anyone who DID have an affair (nor knowing the circumstances, who am I to jusge on something like MN where you only ever get 1 side) but sweetie you ALMOST ahd an affair.

Or translated, you were sorely tempted but resisted it.

please view it that way0- reflects your commitment and shows you up as a person who cares.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 17:20

totally agree peachy

OP posts:
October · 18/04/2007 17:21

Message withdrawn

PeachyChocolateEClair · 18/04/2007 17:28

YOu're not October, I've been there many years ago and it takes a while- but its the commitment of not going there that matters and amrks you out as s pecial, relaly it is. And it DOES get easier, truly it does (although DH being ill and then getting well helped a lot in my case).

hang in there, why don't you start a thread for support just for yourself? there will be plenty!

Don't beat yourself up wth guilt, we are not responsible for how we feel, just what we do about it.

Original poster
mylittlestar · 18/04/2007 17:32

But you don't want to be with him do you. I know you don't. You know what he's like and he's not the person for you.

What you want (and deserve) is to be with someone who you fancy like mad, admire, love and enjoy being with. And you haven't got that person at the moment. But you will find him! I'm sure you will.

You're giving everything you've got to your marriage at the moment and I support and admire you for that. But if and when the time comes for you to move on, you will find the person to make you truly happy. But it's not him! I promise!

(All IMHO of course!!)

OP posts:
contentiouscat · 18/04/2007 17:32

October trust me no matter how good this 'new' man looks - he is not your regular OH so you are seeing him on his best behaviour. With extended exposure he still farts in bed and leaves his clothes on the floor.

We have all been tempted at some time - way you chose to ACT in that situation is what says more about who you are.

October · 18/04/2007 17:35

Message withdrawn

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