looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

well I am still in work as can't face going back yet, but I guess I need to go and get ds at some point and try to relax for the evening

dh has him at the moment (at PIL's house) and i just can't face seeing him. i know i'll want a big cuddle and i'll have to just get ds and calmly walk away

looks like my mate isn't available for a visit either. so sadly guys this means that until the MN hotel is up and running, I shall be doing a MN tour of the UK and visiting every one of your houses one by one hope that's ok

MLs that'd be fine with me

welcome any time x

my door is always open - except for tomorrow night when I will be staying at a swank hotel at great expense!

actually, door still open as my mother and dd will be here.

can't believe I've booked it but I have. going shopping during day and meeting friend tomorrow eve for a drink.

check out isn't till 11:30 so i intend to have a mega lie in.

just wish i had dhh's credit card so i could charge it out to him!

Oh MLS i can't believe he has done this to you. What a fool he is. Like everyone has said you need to just take time out and focus on what you want and what's best for your ds. Yet again he has moved the goal posts and only you can decide if thaqt's something you can accept. Maybe that 'once is a mistake' might not be true? I am so sad and have to say was gutted when i saw your OP. Tbh though MLS this is really down to him now. You have put 100% into making your marriage work and for him to throw it back in your face, so quickly, will be very hard to overcome. You can move forward without him and maybe you need these few days to work out how practically you can do this. I have an open door if ever you need it. What can i say, i suppose this is what we all dread, my heart goes out to you and ds, as for him and her maybe they deserve one another.

MLS I am so sorry and really thinking of you at the moment. I have been where you are too and just like maturer my h could not give her up - i am even more convinced there is a script that they all have!!!

My H told so many lies and if i think about them now i still think 'am i mad' after all he has put me throuhg.

You do love him and you must give yourself full credit that you have not let this marriage go without a fight. You know in your heart that you did all you could - so be proud of yourself.

One day the pair of them will know what they have done and hopefully have the guts to say sorry to you and DS.

You sound so strong and capable and he has lost a wonderful woman from what i have read. Even during all this remember he did not want to let you go - after all he has had the chance. You must still mean something to him and she will know that too.

Just wanted to say october - how fantastic that you can admit to your weakness. I think we have all been there too (I know i have - i now regret not going throuhg with mine but thats another story and a long time ago). It also gives me some comfort in that i hope the ow in my situation has some guilt but i dont think i will ever know about it. Good on you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Anyway MLS hope you get some peace and this horrid time soon fades away.

Hugs xxxxxxxx

i'm so sorry mls

Im sorry too

have been reading your thread cos happened to me 18 months ago(that long) and was pleased to see you were making a go of it

I too tried to make the marriage work but unfortunately my ex didnt & his tart Im sure didnt make his life easier & after 8 weeks, I kicked him out

I would say I have only realised in the last month that I would now not take him back.....its hard - you didnt want your marriage to end but sometimes you have to look after yourself....if he is still in contact then hes playing you

walk away - it is hard & you will feel terrible but you can do it
MN has been a terrific place for support & although I have RL support, I know that MN helped me in the early months

am so sorry for you and do understand

[[hugs]]

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morning everyone

thanks for all of your posts (and your offers of accomodation! )

I have finally decided to put myself first and I called into work this morning and asked if I can take a few days annual leave. My boss was really understanding so I feel much better to at least have the next 4 days at home now.

Last night dh and talked a lot. We went round in circles really. And I spent a lot of the time trying to help him, and justify what's happened.
But then I realised that yesterday morning, if I wouldn't have seen the text, he would have left our bed to go and pick her up (again!) and done god knows what else.

At that point the anger set in. I feel as though there's nothing left in the world I can do. It's up to him now.

He said he was sick of hurting me and feels like the problem is within him, not with me, and he hates himself. I got angry and said he makes all his own choices, he is making the decision to do all of these things, and it's only him who has the power to stop himself from doing it. I really believe that if he wanted to be a faithful husband then he could be. But he's got to want to first.

I decided that for the moment I think we're best to call it a day and go our separate ways. That doesn't mean that there will never be a chance for us to put this right. But at this point in time I need to work out if I can get over this. And if I want to.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to say. I looked at my baby fast asleep and cried at what a terrible mummy I had become in letting his dad go.

Dh seemed to accept what I was saying really. In some ways I was waiting for the reassurance, the beging from him to let him try and put it all right, but he was very quiet and seemed to accept my decision.
In a way that has confirmed to me that it is probably what he wants.

He swears he does not want to be with her and he will not go to her now. I guess only time will tell, but I do believe him.

As for what happens next. I have no idea. I will wait to hear from dh and wait to see what he wants to do next I suppose.

In the meantime I'm going to spend today sorting out my job applications and planning for the interviews. Then will spend tomorrow, sat and sun having some quality time with ds.

I can't believe it's come to this. I'm devastated beyond words. I said to dh that I truly thought we were 'meant to be'. And deep down I still believe that. But I can't take anymore and our future is now in his hands. I've done my very best in every way.

Thank you everyone for all of your support xx

MLS.....im so terribly sorry to hear. You've tried your hardest to make this marriage work but unfortunately it not meant to be. Your DS will always know that he got the most loving parents in the world to him. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

MLS you are not a terrible mummy AT ALL

You are a wonderful mummy and anyone can see that

Please don't blame yourself for ANY of this - none of this blame lies at your feet

xxx

thank you xx

MLS

you're not a bad mummy - not by a very very long shot.

you're doing the best you can for yourself and your ds.

you've made some tough decisions and i have enormous respect for you for facing things head on.

it's good to know that you're not ruling anything out at this point in time, but you are taking steps to give yourself time and space to deal with this.

i'm off shortly, dreading leaving dd, but you've got my number.

btw, i've had a perfectly pleasant "hi, how are you, hope you're feeling better" text this morning. what a div, he honestly thinks he can just gloss over yesterday.....

mls thinking of you with great admiration for you and the decision he's forced you into- you are absolutely right he makes his own choices in life and there is only so much you can do to support someone through a dark time at the end they have to "see the light " for themselves.

The old adage is true..."you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink!"

Focus on you and your ds now you are a special person and your dh needs to wake up-you end up feeling you don't really know this person whom you've known so well for many years- it's the disbelief and the feeling deep down that you don't really think he does want this- that's hard to get past because his actions are saying the opposite at the moment trouble is by the time he realises that he may just find he's too late!

take care,

again you have come to a very difficult but dignified decision in handing the decisions about changing and whether its what he wants to dh. that is so very hard when all you want to know is the outcome so you can react accordingly and move on. well done for having the patience and grace for giving him breathing space to hopefully realise what he is losing ( a wonderful wonderful woman.

you are anything but a terrible mummy!!! if your ds was 12/13 he would be so proud of his strong mummy who fought for her marriage but wasnt a doormat in the process. you are setting your son a fine example of how to deal with relationships/marriages when they get rocky.

i praise your strength and dignity and hope you come through this with what you want!!!

You aren't a terrible mummy, you are a brave one.

Where do you think he will go? To her?

Thanks everyone.

I think he'll just go and hide out at his parents. And they'll let him!

I think he realises that there is no long term future with her. She's an immature 19 year old, who's had a lot of issues in her life and is pretty much looking for a man who will take care of her and protect her and give her the children she wants so desperately.

Dh is running away from a stable family life with me and away from being a full time dad to ds. I think the thought of emotionally and financially supporting a 19 year old with very different hopes and aspirations is just not what he wants at all. In fact he hates the thought of it.

Sadly I think he's just used her. He admits he fancies her and likes her company. But I think she was in the right place at the right time to give him the ego boost and attention that he felt he wasn't getting off me

Hi MLS

Maybe some time apart from DH will give you time to think and decide what you want for your future too.

He is a very lucky man to have such an understanding, loving, caring and dignified wife.

You must be exhausted by all this. I'm pleased you have taken time off from work. Be kind to yourself

xx

MLS - I typed out a really long post and then was a plonker and lost it

I can only remember one point that sticks in my mind from your posts today. I feel very for you that you're blaming yourself in all this, especially when it comes to DS. The decision that you came to, IMO, wasn't really your decision. You were just putting into words the necessary consequences of DH's behaviour.

What were your alternatives? Could you really carry on as though nothing had happened? Could you have kissed him on the cheek and waved him off to work in the morning knowing that he was going to her? I'm not saying this to be harsh or to make you more - this really could have been a possible alternative course of action. But do you think it would have been the right thing for you and DS?

I think you should stop berating yourself. You've been very tolerant of DH's shenanigans for a while now. You've given him your sympathy, your understanding, your support and above all your unconditional non-judgemental love. You've even silently endured abuse from other parties due to his own bad behaviour. If doing this had worked, I would be recommending you to carry on. But they haven't - he continues to abuse your trust despite the fact that he knows you will be there for him in whatever form he needs.

Let him go for a while. Don't make assumptions about what he will do. Don't make excuses for him. Focus your energies on healing yourself and being there for DS. If this is temporary, it will be of no consequence for DS. If it's permanent, you and DH are both loving parents and you will both give him all the love he needs whether you're together or apart.

im so sorry {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Morning MLS glad you have managed to get some time off work, think your health will need it. As others have said YOU are not to blame in any way. I remeber that feeling though when i told him he had made all the choices to do this and i was left with the choice of splitting up my family, great. You do need to walk away from this for the time being and clear your head. Your DS will always have you and will always know you put him first in everything you did, Can your DH say the same ? Lots of > sent your way today hope your ds can raise a few [smiles] from you.x

morning mls. i dont have the words wish i did to make it all better. dont try to hold it all together if you want to fall apart and cry do it. i honestly dont know what to say. thinking of you xx

MLS

I've always really liked this Eastern Orthodox prayer-

O God, grant us the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed
And the wisdom to know the difference.

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