looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

hi pc, thanks
completely relate to the looking at his face and it just being 'blank'. It's like there is nothing there, no emotion, no love, no hate, just nothing.

I'm so sorry he still hasn't been in touch with you. I think you're doing the right thing in looking to the future and just re-assessing the situation as and when he gets in touch. I'm hoping to do exactly the same. Although with dh I know he's going to want to have ds 50% of the time, and I already feel sick at the thought of having to share my baby and miss out on things just because my selfish husband couldn'tfind it in himself to deal with his mistakes like a man
This will be the one area that causes me the most heartache. I never wanted to be a part time parent. I'll never forgive him for that.

Hi ernest

We've actually been living at my parents for a while (long story re house situation!). So when I left for work this morning I asked him to take his things and I will be in touch towards the weekend to discuss arrangements for ds. He just agreed.

So for the moment, I have my mum and one of my sisters there to support me. I want to get a new house alone as soon as possible as this was always a very temporary situation. But for now I will enjoy my mum and sister helping me out and looking after me!

btw he will go to his parents house I guess. Then look to get himself a flat or something. Not that I really care at this point

mls, i know about the parenting thing. i never wanted to be a single parent.

one of the reasons i'm still here after nearly 2 years is that i so wanted dd to have a special and wonderful relationship with her daddy. divorce and relocation meant i didn't see my father much as a child.

i wanted dd and h to have that sort of love affair only daughters and daddies can. and when he's here they do have that but......

it breaks my heart to see other men with their kids at the park etc. it breaks my heart seeing other families enjoying time together.

i just cannot understand how h can stay away from dd. even if he returns i'm not sure i can ever forgive him for that.

if i'd wanted to be a single parent i could've had a child in my 20s or even early 30s. not bloody waited till i was nearly 40 and expecting to be settled for life.

as a good friend of mine puts it: "it's not what you signed up for". and i knew it was a complicated set up with the other kids but we were making it work until he behaved like a stupid stupid testosterone driven twat.

you won't be a part time parent MLS, you are ds's mummy 100% of the time. and despite everything ds will benefit enormously from having his daddy around.

No it's definitely not what we signed up for is it. I meant every word of my marriage vows and had a child in a loving stable relationship that was to last for life...
Ha ha how naive! First chance he got and he was in bed with a teenager! At least one of us had good intentions though!

And yes I know ds will benefit from having him around and having the wonderful relationship I want them to have. Just if the day ever comes where I have to watch my baby and my husband go off with another woman on holiday or whatever, I think my heart will break.

tell me about it! having been the step-mother i am now amazed at how easily the ex happily sent her kids off with me. and she even thanked me for being so wonderful with the boys and told me how much they loved me!

mind you, she's mad as a box of frogs so...

the thought of h turning up here with a new g/f drive me insane. apart from the fact that he'd be screwing up yet another life i'd be insane that he would be once again burying himself in a new woman to try and erase the mistakes of the past and furious that he couldn't see that all it would've taken was a bit of effort to have a wonderful future with me and dd.

in fact, the way things are at the mo i can't see myself ever letting him have dd with another woman around.

but i'm not very rational these days LOL!

pc I feel exactly the same! in every way!

I am the most calm, rational and loving person I can be. But when it comes to that I think I will turn into psycho-ex-from-hell!

Oh well, not my fault!!

oh mls , pc , ernest am so sorry
I guess despite the fact they all seem to follow the same path getting to the affair the aftermath is very different for all of them. I so hoped you could make things work out all of you and i wish that your partners could see just some of the effort you are all putting in to making this work.
You have all really been on a rollercoaster haven't you. I guess the ability to keep on fighting can't last forever.
I can only talk from my situation but i did gain the strength to fight from my dp as every day i knew and he knew we wanted it to work. It was only this that enabled me to keep working at it.
They really have to accept there share of the guilt and be prepared for the difficult times otherwise it's a one man race.
As for the dc's i completely understand what you mean. That was my first thought when this happened. I did initially ask dp to find a flat and move out for a while , when he told ds it broke him. I think this was a moment of realisation for him about how real the situation was and thats when i knew we would get through it.
Sadly not all men react the same but one things for sure the strength you have all shown throughout this will take you round that corner and if your partners aren't prpared to fight for you then there will be someone out there who will, then maybe it will be too late for them when they realise.
All of you take care, sending you lot's of (((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) and strength to get through this. Remember that despite all this your dc's can always give you a reason to x

I'm so sorry MLS. I know this is not what you wanted. He has lost a wonderful woman - that is easy to tell from your posts.

Ernest - emailed you back. Feel free to let off steam any time.

Fubsy - hope you included my email on your MSN!

PC - sorry this is dragging on

must be something in the air. dh left on saturday and all im getting feom him via text is dont know what to say that or just silence. iknow there is no other woman this time dont think we have ever got past his affair. Who knows maybe time apart will help feeling very alone and very numb now.

mel

I don't know what to say other than I understand and feel the same.

Definitely must be something in the air...

oh mel, so sorry to hear you're getting it too.

hope he sorts himself out soon.

seems like men are suffering some sort of pandemic malaise right now eh.

Message withdrawn

Thanks osj. Just gutted it's not enough.

I could stick around, keep helping him, keep accepting that I'm the only one putting the work in, and keep making excuses for him due to his depression. And just put my feelings aside.
But after what he's put me through, leaving me for a 19 year old, letting me down in every possible way, letting ds down, lie after lie after lie... I could only keep trying if I see he is trying too. And for whatever reason he just isn't.

I feel selfish in a way. Because I know that if I could carry on making the effort we would still be together. We enjoy each other's company in every way and get on great. But I need emotional support in return and I can't carry on without it because I'm falling apart.

I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing though. I may live to regret this decision

mls

it is true though
He needs to want it and to support you

ppp I know. And sadly I do think he wants it. Just not enough and not in the same way as me. It really wouldn't take much at all to have kept us together. Really, I'm not high maintenance in any way!
But that's life hey. If he can't find the ability to reassure me after everything he's done then maybe he's not the one for me.

that I picked this man to share the rest of my life with and have a child with. If he could have just found the tiniest bit of strength to help me we'd have got through this.

Although... if he'd have just found the tiniest bit of strength to speak to me about his problems and keep his trousers up, then we wouldn't even be here in the first place!

Message withdrawn

have you only had one counselling session? Sometimes it cna take a few to get to the root of things

MLS, so, so, sorry to read this. No words of wisdom I'm afraid just wanted to let you know that I shall be thinking of you.

But I think there will be something better waiting for you. You just sound like too much of a lovely person for it not to be so.

Hugs and hopeful wishes to the rest of you, PC, Mel, ernest. Here's hoping that things get better and soon.

mls, i reckon your dh and mine are related ffs!

i am finding that altho i cannot stop thinking about it - endless looping and looping around - there really is nothing more i can do at the moment.

if i initiate contact again it will just mean misery of a different sort. if he can't initiate contact and present me with a plan of action for some sort of a future in some form that we can live with then he can't commit to anything i suggest or try to help him with.

at this point i really and honestly think it's the depression that is holding them back.

and we can't cure them of that, they are the only ones who can get themselves thru it.

and maybe when they have it'll be time to re-assess.

in the meantime i am just focussing on me and dd and trying like hell not to be sad, mad, miserable and lonely.

it's hard as hell tho

why is it we always have to stay strong? i love my kids but id like to run away and be alone right now. they are selfish in the way they do that.

im sure he wants to come home and i want him home but dont want to have to keep facing him running away. its dd1 birthday next week dd3 1st birthday next month and ds2 has his cochlear implant in july. i need him with me.

my best mate has gone to florida today for 2 weeks my mum works as a live in carer an hour from here so really do feel like im completely alone. i sound pathetic i know i do.

mls hopefully time apart will make him come running back xx

mel, you're not pathetic. believe me i wish i could run to the hills at times like this.

yeah it's always us that stay strong and to be perfectly honest i'm bloody glad i'm not a bloke - i'd hate to have a genetic legacy of being such tossers!

keep coming him for virtual moral support mate.

big big ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

oh no, pc, don't say that!!! I?ve got 3 dss!!! Hope they don't all grow up to be tossers. yikes.

When the going gets tough... the 'men' fuck off.. tra la la la .

Sorry, it all seems so bloody bleak. A black day for the fagots But it'll be ok. We all will, in our various ways. Mel, you don't sound the teeniest bit pathetic. Who wouldn't want their best friend/mum right now? Who wouldn't want to run away?

I do. Right now.

Instead, I've got to take 3 genetic timebombs swimming for 2 hours, sigh, then get home late and panic, as usual, that I've got nothing organised for an almost instant nutritious post-swimming meal.

Big hugs to all.

ernest you still manage to make me

I'm going to meet dh's mum tonight. She's just left me a message saying she's devastated to hear what's happening and wants to help in any way she can.

Don't hold out much hope but very lovely of her to show how much she cares. And miracles may happen. So meeting her when I pick ds up.
(Wow - I just said a nice thing about my MIL!! The day is looking up! )

BTW - this thread may run out soon so if it does we'll have to catch up on the FAGOT Members Meeting Point thread!!
(Blueskynsunshine thanks for your lovely post oo )

bss that last word should have been "too"
getting hassle for doing no work!!