Ok this will prob be a bit long so anyone not following this nightmare will probably be bored... but for those who've been helping so much here's the full update...
Hi everyone
Yes I know what you mean about the coming and going. Me being me though, I had to find out the hard way... as usual!!
Friday I had some lovely things planned with ds. At the last minute dh said could he come along too. So I thought that we'd actually have a better time all together as a family (which we did) and he ended up coming swimming and for some tea with us. It was lovely.
Then I had a couple of options to go out Friday eve. Decided to go to meet my friend. My mum was having ds. Dh had gone to the pub with his mates.
Again at the last minute dh suggested we could perhaps go for a drink together - so I cancelled on my mate at the very last minute and waited for dh to come and get me. (he was an hour later than agreed so didn't turn up til 10.15pm! so I was sat fully dressed and ready for an hour but that's another story!)
We had a great night. I got a bit teary towards the end - too much alcohol and not wanting to go home and back to reality! But despite that we had a great time. Laughed, danced, talked. It was great.
So...
Saturday morning we woke up and he started getting all stressed again. Said his head is in a mess again...
Ok, the truth of the matter was that he was stressed because last night we had a family bday celebration to go to at the pub. Then the plan was at last orders, dh and I would go into town (we were both really looking forward to the town bit.)
In the background, dh's dad/mates had arranged to go to the pub to watch the footy, then for a few games of pool, then for some food and a few more beers...
Which option do you think dh wanted to do? Family bday celebration with me. Or lads footy and pool day...
Anyway, saturday afternoon he was all stressed again and saying he needed 'space' again even though he said himself that Friday had been really good and he's only truly happy when he's with us. I talked and talked and got him to relax again. Talked about getting him on the AD's, how we can work through this together, how all I wanted was for him to give us more than a couple of weeks to get through this before he runs off again!!
Anyway he agreed that he wanted to give us the chance to try. He'd go on the AD's and get counselling. We'd get a place and start spending some quality time together
So even though I wanted us to spend the afternoon together. Especially as we'd just decided to give our marriage another try I said he could go to the pub and relax, have a few beers, see the lads etc... so I dropped him at the pub to watch the game. And I said I'd sort ds for the afternoon, get him to bed etc, and I would arrange a taxi to leave home to go to the birthday celebration at 7pm.
I felt that was a good compromise. He got all afternoon and early eve at the footy and pub. I'd sort ds. We'd go the the bday. Then have the night in town together that we wanted.
6.15 he still wasn't home. I texted to say 'you do remember we're leaving at 7 don't you'? He wrote back saying they'd just got some food, and he didn't really want to go to the birthday celebration anyway, so could I just go alone, lie/make up an excuse for him. He'd stay with the lads then come and meet me to go into town later!!!
Am I being unreasonable or was that completely out of order? He knows I don't particularly like going to family celebrations alone as everyone is in couples and I hate lying for him. I bent over backwards to compromise. If i'd have had my wish we'd have stayed together as a family all day. There's a time and place for lads days out and it's not when your marriage is falling apart!! But even so, he still pushed it, asking for more and more compromises off me, getting everything he wanted by staying with the lads, then wanting to come along for the good bit in town at the end
I just said if he let me down this evening, it would be the last time he ever let me down. He just replied and said "Sorry xx"
So - that is IT!! All he needed to do was think about me for 5 seconds, and come along to the pub with me. Bearing in mind that the uncle who's birthday it was, is the same bloke that my dh has been going away to Spain with, 2/3 times a year on 'lads holidays'! Hardly some random family member he doesn't even know!
His selfishness is beyond belief. Literally. I just cannot find the words.
I went out alone. I finally stopped defending him to all my family and lying for him (a massive step for me) and I just spoke the truth and said he's taken the piss out of me for the last time. And sadly, there is nothing more I can do.
My family were amazing. they said they love him to bits but I've let him get away with taking the piss out of me for too long now and it's about time I put myself first. And they are right.
I had a lovely evening and ended up going into town with my cousin and having a ball!
I feel incredible sadness that he is all I want in the world and I can't have him. Well I could have him. But it would be on his terms i.e. he would be a husband and father when it suited, and a single bloke out with the lads the rest of the time. I can't live like that.
I know one day he'll realise he feels the same as me. But it will be too late
But no more looking back now. Only forwards...