looks like it's over

[mylittlestar]

well after everything you will have seen so far, and my happiness at dh and i giving our marriage another go, sadly it doesn't look like that is possible anymore.

i've been feeling down the last couple of days and couldn't put my finger on it. thought it was probably a bit of paranoia. the pregnancy scare etc. but looking back dh had also become distant and withdrawn and i think i was picking up on that.

i checked his phone this morning. there was a message in his saved items to the ow. basically said of course i'll get up early to come and take you to work. i'll leave a bit early so we can have a little kiss before we set off...

confronted him. he swore he hadn't been back in touch. then has admitted that after his paranoia that i may have met someone on my work night out last week, he got back in touch with her.
don't really know much more than that and there's no point in asking as i'm not sure i could believe what he tells me anyway.

i had four main reasons for giving things another try. my love for him. the fact that anyone can make a mistake once. the fact that he swore he hated living a double life and would never want to live that way again. and finally, the fact that he said after seeing what he'd put me through, he'd never put me through that again.

just 4 weeks later he has.

to be honest i really don't want to turn this thread into a session to slag dh off. i don't understand his reasons and never will. but i do love him.

i think perhaps it's time to let my head rule my heart and make myself wake up to the fact that he doesn't love me in the same way i love him.

one day he'll realise what he's lost and what he's put me through. and i truly believe that nothing i say or do from this point on will have any impact. it's up to him now.

i've come into work to try and take my mind off it all and calm down. so i'm ok. i'm glad i have MN to get all of this out as this time i do not want one single person in RL to know. i don't want people getting at dh. i don't want people telling me 'i told you so'. i don't really want sympathy.
i'm sick of my life being one big drama after the next. i want to focus on me and ds and i want a happy quiet life filled with love and laughter. if the only way to get that is being alone with ds, then so be it. i'm truly blessed to have him.

so perhaps this thread should be about how i can now move forward without the love of my life and my soul mate....

he texted to say how sorry he was

i replied asking him 'what do you really want'

he just replied and said he doesn't know anymore

MLS - switch off your phone for a little while my love. I think you need some space to breathe...

Sorry for what he has done and continued to do or sory you have once again found out?

I agree with CnC. You need some space. Time to get your head sorted xx

MSL ....aw shucks. Glad I helped a little bit

mls, I agree with CC - to be honest it's time to put your H aside, ofr the minute his feelings don't come into things, he's a mad fool for doing this but now the ball is with you.
you decide what you want to happen for you and ds. could you live life for the next few months wondering etc doubting.

I really thing you need to focus on you and ds - be it a new job, be it crying and ranting over the internet. as prev mentioned we're not involved, we don't know the full circs - we don't know him as you do etc. but take a few weeks - months even to think about what you really want/need from him or life in general.

it's not something that can be fixed over night, even if you did take him back maybe you having space and him moving out etc and proving to you how much he wants to be with you and ds etc. i'm prob not making sence, but don't do anything rash, and hopefully things will come right in the end. but it's your choice.

Message withdrawn

You know MLS, i think you should try to completely withdraw from him. Don't offer any talk or solutions on the matter. You have worked so hard to get things back on track, made a lot of effort. You have been amazing.
Leave him be now. Let him come to you with talk and possible solutions. Don't bail him out and don't make it easy for him. Make him work for you this time!!

mls - i have only been on here a week or 2 but i have read your threads with a tear in my eye.

how very brave you are - my heart goes out to you after you have made such a huge effort to save your marriage and your ds is extremely lucky to have such a lovely mummy. he will be the one to get you through this stressful time!!!

good luck flower

I completely agree girls. I want nothing more than to withdraw from him and concentrate on me and what I want.

But I really don't think he will come running. His view will be that he messed up, he doesn't deserve me, and I'm better off without him. He'll wallow in self pity and won't try. I know him.

Why is my instinct still to try and make this wreck of a marriage work!!!

Surely if he doesn't come running I need to wake up to the fact that the answer is staring me right in the face!

He may not come running but he will be aware! Ive said it before and I will say it again, there's nothing more worrying to a man than a silent woman!

If you want this marriage to work then it will work! One way or another you will achieve your aim. It will take time, there will probably be a lot more tears to be shed a lot more disappointments to face but, in between there will also be good times and its the good times that will keep you going.

It's not going to be easy and it's going to take a lot of strength but one day, you may look back and be glad you did it

I admire you for your commitment MLS

but don't you deserve someone who you know WILL keep coming back? And be faithful?

MLS - try not to predict how he will react. If you withdraw yourself, he will/should know that it's not because you're punishing him but because you can't cope with the situation as it stands.

You're already allowing him to make excuses by his suggestion that it was your innocent flirtation that triggered him cheating on you with the same woman who caused the crisis.

I know you always want to put your marriage first and I understand that but you need to give him the space to figure out what's important. If he figures it's you and DS, he will come running after you. If he chooses something else, you've lost nothing and kept your dignity.

Separating yourself from him physically and emotionally doesn't mean the end of rship or divorce. One is not a necessary consequence of the other.

You need time to think, breathe and take stock and he needs the same.

If you lovingly look for a solution, maybe you can help turn things around. If you can't improve the situation and it really is better to quit, then you have learned some valuable lessons that may help you further down the road.

You don't withdraw for his benefit, you do it for yours. You don't withdraw to give him space, you do it to gain space for yourself.
It works wonders. Trust me xx

IOHW is absolutely right as usual

I mentioned the giving him space as I thought it might be extra motivation for you. I know you're a very thoughtful person and you're obviously thinking of his needs as well as your own. I don't think the two are necessarily mutually exclusive.

I completely agree with the "silence" thing - DH is visibly terrified when I'm silent, probably because it's such a rarity

cashncarry! (ive sent you an email by the way, a very looooong rambling email!!)

Well i can tell you that 'withdrawing' from my situation has been of great benefit to me. I was emotionally drained, battered and exhausted from all the effort of everything. I couldn't take anymore. I had no choice but to withdraw, it was either that or go into meltdown.
A few weeks into it I don't think I ever want to come out of it I feel calm and peaceful inside. No stress whatsoever, I'm happy with me and i'm going to carry on until i feel i'm sorted!!

I can highly recommend it!

?if you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it?s yours for ever, if it doesn?t, it was never meant to be.?. I can?t remember whose quote that was but it?s so true.

mls am so sorry it?s come to this, have nothing more constructive to add other than to say that you are a strong person, and that you will get through this. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

The fact he didn?t delete the message would be an indication to me that he perhaps wanted you to find out. you say he now says that he doesn?t know what he wants, is it possible he never stopped seeing her?

Whatever you decide to do now is your decision and yours alone. If you want to walk away in the hope that he?ll come to his senses and come back to you then that is what you must do. And if he doesn?t come to his senses and come running then it?s his loss. ?if you love something let it go...?. n

It takes two to make a marriage work, but it only takes one to destroy that marriage.

be strong xxx

sorry not on here/e-mail much

after getting into work so late i'm getting hassled

i think you could be right. i think i need some space. i'd never normally do this but i'm thinking of getting signed off work and going to visit my friends with ds for a week or so. to get my head straight. i don't know what i want anymore. i can't take much more xx

mls i only just found this thread i am so sorry. Are you sure the text was recent? did it have the date on it? Your amazing not to want to slag him off i have so much respect and admiration for you. But as others have said withdraw for you. Give yourself time to think and breathe again. My dad told me when me and dh was apart " get on with your life as if he isnt coming back then if he does fantastic and if he doesnt you know you can still be alive" I honestly think that ow is easy no hassle no commitment no pressure. She isnt what he wants for a second. He just needs to realise that. But for now concentrate on you and ds try to be happy and keep smiling for ds eventually it wont be just an act you'll start to feel it too. But whichever way it goes you did nothing wrong you gave it your all be proud of yourself.

All the time your there for dh his "safe" when your not he'll worry so go with the silence as hard as it will be only answer his texts regarding ds nothing personal about you he cant have both worlds.

I think that's an excellent idea MLS. Book that time off and get it sorted now lady!

IOHW - I'm have a read (and a sniffle) and am trying to reply now - in between fielding phonecalls, reviewing documents and generally being superwoman!!

time away is a fantastic idea it will help you. can you go to a friends that he cant find you at?

I second that CnC!! Book the time off now!! It will do you the world of good.

Its a shame we can't come with you

MLS

this is so tough for you. totally with you on the way you think your dh will react in terms of the "you're better off without me" sentiment. also the "don't know what i want" one too.

as you know, i've sat back and given dh space for over 20 months now. he's come back, gone again, come back and gone again.

admittedly in the last 10 months AFAIK there hasn't been an OW involved.

for him to miss our mediation session this morning has totally pushed me to the edge of reason.

in the past i've tried withdrawing and even managed it for a few days or a week but i always end up worrying about his mental state.

having depression as a factor is really difficult IMO.

anyways, my dr's just signed me off for a week too. i'm thinking about booking myself into a swanky hotel in a local town tomorrow night. after all he's wasted heaps on B&Bs and hotels recently doing his Garbo impression!

i think it'd be great if you can get teh time off and take ds away. i wish i had somewhere i could go with dd but i don't!

i'm a strong person and i've always been independant and had a very full life. but 2 years of limbo and trying to support dh has taken it's toll on me.

my advice would be totally look after yourself now and don't put yourself on hold for 2 years like i have.

you all trying to get rid of me?!

i'm trying to get in touch with my friend in london as it'll be difficult for dh to get to us there (not that he'll try)
i would just be so sad to go without him as i know we'd have a better time there together

at the moment i just want him to come round tonight and say he loves me and can we work this out. but he won't. he'll go to his parents and hide.

but i will take your advice and stop second guessing him and just take a step back. i'll only contact him about ds.

every time we have a difficult time in our lives, or rocky patch in the relationship he runs away or has an affair. whether it's emotional (texts and e-mails in the past) of physical (like this time). if he can't deal with difficulties by talking to me and facing up to the problem i guess there is nothing i can do. i would not want to change him in any way. except for this emotional cut off he has, and his ability to bury his head when it comes to us and forget to think about the consequences of his actions

whether that fault is enough to end a marriage i don't know? i'd still give my marriage everything i had despite anyone's faults. but if the fault causes them to seek solace in other women rather than their own wife, what choices are left? live in fear that the next time you have an argument he will go out and sleep with someone else? or accept that the time has to come for you to no longer leave your heart vulnerable to being shattered a 4th, 5th, 6th time...

some space should help me make sense of all of this!

(hope there's an internet cafe though!!)

sorry i'm rambling! need to get this all out though!

MyLittleStar - i have been reading your other thread but haven't posted.
I'm sorry this things have come to this but you sounds like a very strong and level headed woman.
Good luck to you and DS