Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

@toleranceofflop
I'm not a huge fan of the holiday idea although its a destination and activity I would really like.
He would pay his half, and me mine.
The reason I'm not keen is because originally it was going to be us two and then it turned into ("X and his girlfriend would be great to share a holiday with"). Ive not actually met the other couple. So theres that.

He doesnt get much time off so I was also hoping that he'd want to visit my neck of the woods and meet my family (so far he's only met my sister).

I've already decided I'm not going on the holiday.

I think I've decided I'm going to call estate agent and say I'm taking House 2.

So he's actually in profit?

I think that would further cloud how I felt about his initial reactions to you (last night as a prime example) followed by a short break where he gives his head a wobble and realises he's on to a bloody good thing here and not to rock the boat.

@KungFuEric
Yes, he would be in profit and that is part of what I'm struggling with here. There's also the aspect that alone he wouldn't be accepted for any of the houses we've seen as he has no proof of income whatsoever (own business, but this os a recent venture and mostly cash in hand).

So theres also the maybe mean and frustrated part of me thinking "mate, all of these houses would be 100% inpossible for you to secure so why not just go with it?"

I mean in all fairness he's looking at a really big house in the middle of town for a really low rent.

The other thing is where he currently lives, its kind of hard to explain, but its like a rough "miniature town" next to his home village. Think very very tiny ex mining town. What I'm saying is its not like I'm dragging him away from a garaged house in the middle of the rolling moors where you can hear the birds. He has a flat in a mini town and parks on the street.

You're not compatible. He's not enough.

What @whatsavings said.
House 3, far away from this manipulative man child.

My general rule on relationships is this:

Do you feel lucky to be with him? Does he feel lucky to be with you and show you that through his actions? (Generally, not just now?) if not do you think he will one day? If no, you are probably going to have a harder life than it needs to be. If yes, you can probably get through this.

Good luck, there is no need to make any rushed decisions.

So sorry I've not read he whole thread BUT the extra you would pay for double rent in my area for three months would be equivalent of 1.5-2 YEARS of renting someone else's garage....I looked into that when my out of town friend wanted a parking space.

As I said up in my earlier posts - he is deliberately putting in obstacles - a garage - and now the damp.

February is a great milestone. Put that in your diary to be well shot of him and living somewhere fun.

You do not meet each others needs and your life is so simple at the moment.

Do not take house 2. This relationship is not for the long term. If you need more time to test that and decide, then do that with the current living arrangements. But committing to a tenancy at higher cost is not a good idea right now.

I don't think he's a bad guy. You just aren't compatible and want completely different things from life. And you have been hellbent on making the relationship work despite it being very clear that you aren't compatible. And now understandably you're resenting all the sacrifices you've made, and are thinking of making in the future. But he never asked you to make them, it's all come from you. He's been seemingly very honest about what he wants and doesn't want. When someone tells you who they are, you need to listen to them.

This man isn't the man for you. You need to admit this to yourself and stop trying to force things. You are different people and this will not work. It's very sad but part of being an adult is realising that love doesn't conquer everything. You're not in love with him. You're in love with who you want him to be. He's not that man. Please be honest with yourself before you spend a lot of money to live somewhere that you don't want to be for a relationship that has a glaringly obvious shelf life.

Sometimes people are just too different to make things work. This is one of those times.

I sympathise with you. I grew up in a small village and know quite a few people like this man. Moving 3 miles away is a BIG deal to them. My closest childhood friend and her brother are both like this (they're both in their 40s now). Neither of them have lived further than 3 miles away from their family. The brother hasn't lived more than 10 mins walk from his family. They like routine, seeing the same people, being with family every day etc. Going to the nearest city (40 min drive) is a BIG deal and they only do this occasionally and usually take a day off work specially. I have learnt over the years that's it's how they are. I can't change them (and believe me I've tried). Whereas I have lived all over the world (they refused to visit as it was too scary) and do things they don't understand on a daily basis. We're just wired differently. It makes me sad as there are so many wonderful things I would like to share with them but I have learnt to respect their wishes. My life would make them miserable. Their lives would make me miserable. OP your man is one of these people. You can't change him. And you aren't compatible with him. If you stay with him, you will continue to write posts on Mumsnet about how frustrated you are. You have to accept you are too different and let him go. Start your life afresh and find someone who you're compatible with.

I don't think you really want to move to The Town anyway.

His behaviour is not persuading me that being with him is great enough to make up for living somewhere you dislike.

Go for House 3. Somewhere near work, that you like, that makes you happy when you walk up to the front door. If he doesn't want to make the effort to come over, oh dear.

If you are that weary of Doing It All now, how much it worse will it be when you are actually living together with joint everything? Jeez even if you split up later it'll still be you doing all the paperwork over that

He's selfish, controlling and he uses moods/sulking to get what he wants 100% of the time. He's a very skilled manipulator and you seem very receptive to his efforts and keen to please. Please don't lumber yourself with him long term.

He is dragging you down.

I strongly believe that you'd have a nicer life if you were single than with him.

Every extra thing you say about him paints him as selfish and unthinking and frankly a bit boring.

@HundredMilesAnHour
Thank you for that. You are absolutely right, I know it.

I just give up. I feel fucking depressed.

He just texted me to say the estate agent called him - I don't know yet what was said.

Why would the estate agent call him rather than you? You are clearly the lead on this transaction.

He sounds totally change-averse. In an ideal world for him, nothing about his life would EVER change, therefore every tiny change you are asking for is an immense change from his point of view and a huge sacrifice.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to convince him that maybe just this once, Thursday dinner could be something OTHER than "Lasagne Thursday"?

@Trills
I missed her call!
On the plus side I guess we'll see what he decides to do when given the lead.

@StormTreader
Lasagne Thursday? God that made me laugh, in a scary hysterical "woman on verge of breakdown" kind of way. Even so, thanks - I needed that!

You have a lot of hands!!

OK well at least the estate agent wasn't doing that annoying thing of assuming that the MAN must be the one in charge.

Op

On reflection your trying to get a square peg in a round hole, I think he's going to be miserable and your desperately trying to stick fingers in the damn wall. Your not compatible on the future making bit, he's a home body and to drag him away would be cruel to him, and ultimately yourself.

I think I warts an all cards on the table chat or big girl draws, and put both of you out of your collective misery 💐

splendid you deserve so much better than this life of you giving up everything you want in return for him giving up nothing at all. Do you want to spend your life badgering him to give even a teeny tiny shit about you? You can't even have a holiday without his mates (that you don't know) getting involved and he hasn't even made an effort to meet your family? He says he wants you to live together but only where he wants in a house he wants regardless of what you want? AND he isn't even doing any of the work associated with house hunting?

Tell him you think you should put the whole moving in together thing on hold for now and then start looking at property in The City you can afford by yourself. Then tell him you are done with compromises from your side and the options now are a) he moves in with you at the new place in The City or b) you move and he stays where he is and you spend a few nights a week together.

Or, even better, tell him it's over and move somewhere you really want to live and find someone who won't treat you in such a can't-be-arsed manner.

Why when he said 'let's invite this other couple on our holiday' didn't you say 'no I'd like to go just the two of us'?

You are going to suffocate in this town, with him, his friends, his life, his holidays.

I still don't think this makes him a bad person, just one who doesn't want to compromise. I still don't get why you want to keep banging your head on this relationship wall, I guess you do love him but I don't think your love is enough to dampen your resentment, and I don't think his love is enough to change to help you be the person you need to be.