Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

If you can't trust him to look after your cats - would you ever trust him with your kids? He's going from manchild in my eyes to useless twerp.

It really doesn't matter that this is the second time you've had to finish with him. He's not making any effort. Don't be a martyr, move on.

It has all been said above. He is not right for you. The right man helps build you and your life up, not like here, taking it down piece by piece.

OP, I sense that fear of the unknown might be paralysing you from taking action. If it helps here’s my story.

I found myself single at 31 after spending seven exhausting years flogging a dead horse of a relationship because I WANTED IT TO WORK SO MUCH. I really thought we would get married. I had DECIDED we would get married and was determined to make it happen. It was disaster after disaster. Looking back, we were obviously totally unmatched but at 29 I thought he was my only and last option.

Eventually I had to throw in the towel for my own sanity. All my friends were moving in with their partners and getting engaged; settling down and planning weddings. So I went travelling.

I spent six months wandering aimlessly around the world,getting my ex out of my system and psyching myself up to go back home and be a kick ass single bachelorette. I remember that Eat Pray Love came out as I was about to head off on my travels and I bought it at Chiangmai airport and read it very solemnly and without irony, as if it was penned by Mohammed and Moses themselves! (Lol @ me.)

I returned from travelling with my head in a really good, self-sufficient place. At peace with my singledom and actually looking forward to the challenge of carving out a life that was all about me and all for me. With everything just the way i wanted it.

Within a month of coming home I’d met DH. Walked into a pub one evening to meet a friend and bam, there he was next to me, ordering a drink at the bar. Properly put a spanner in my new, kick-ass single-girl works.

It can happen for you too. I would bet my house that you will not be single forever. Probably not even for very long, once you clear some space in your life. You will never meet who you’re supposed to be with as long as you’re with this guy.

read it very solemnly and without irony, as if it was penned by Mohammed and Moses themselves!

:o you sound great - it's good to be able to laugh at yourself :)

I split up with a partner of 7 years when I was 29.

Nearly 4 years later nobody has yet come along to "put a spanner in my new, kick-ass single-girl works", and I'm fine with that because I like my life and I am happy.

Nearly 4 years later nobody has yet come along to "put a spanner in my new, kick-ass single-girl works", and I'm fine with that because I like my life and I am happy.

As it should be.

But if you did meet someone, at least you would be able to act on it because you're not entangled with a sponging manchild.

I would! :o

I was just adding your very good post with one that says that even if someone perfect doesn't come along immediately, it's still very much better than being in a relationship that isn't working.

Yes definitely.

The relief of being able to stop head butting that brick wall is immense.

I was a bit unsure about him, and I remember your previous thread OP, until I read the cat situation. That's something so fundamental to being a couple, the shared pet care, that him feeding the cats should never be an issue.

It may not be the biggest problem you have, but to me it's the most enlightening.

My fiancé has to dogsit for 2 weeks every 6 months or so. Dog used to live with him and is very comfortable in his house - and quite old and lazy. No problems leaving her all day. On a Saturday, my fiancé is working all day AND it's a very busy day.

So on the Saturdays, I pop round, take the dog out for an hour so that she has company and so that he doesn't have to give her a long walk when he gets in tired.

He never asked me to do that - but we're a couple, we love it when there's a way to make the other's life easier.

I am not amazing and not trying to boast - imo, this is basic stuff when you care about someone.

He would be horrified if he found out I was paying someone to sort out cats instead of asking him.

This is fundamental stuff lovey. Don't saddle yourself with him.

As for feeling guilty because he had to trust again??? WTF??? Reframe that - he was bloody lucky you gave him another chance - and then he fucked it up. His fault, his problem.

The refusal to feed your cats when you go away says it all. That alone would be good reason to dump the git. There are many other good reasons.

Is he paying tax on his “business” earnings?

So what if he has other problems and the break up will make him sad? That’s not sufficient reason to stay with him when this is not what’s best for you.

Being single again doesn’t mean being unsettled or dating useless men. You have a pattern of choosing unsuitable men, and have sadly done so again this time, so can reflect and work on this and choose better in the future. And in the meantime live wherever suits you.

I already left this man once and it took a lot of trust for him to start it up again

For him?

I haven't read the whole thread and haven't read your previous thread, so apologies if this misses the mark as I don't have full context.

On the unequal earnings / contributing to food side - be careful what you sign up for. It sounds like you initially decided to be generous because you earn more, but have since had time to think and have realised that the balance would be tipping too much in his favour. As you said, in house 1 his rent would be lower than it is now, and it's the house he wants - no wonder he wants that option, it's a win win for him, garage and lower rent. Whereas for you, you'd be subbing him in a house you don't like so it's a lose lose.

Anyway, beyond all this, I worry about the future if you had children together. There's nothing wrong with being the higher earner in a relationship (I am), but it does limit your choices and also your ability to be with your children. I'm the one working full time, doing all the organising etc, and my husband benefits from a cushy life, working part time from home in a job that he loves and that fulfils him creatively. He has a great relationship with our children as he is with them more than I am. He also has the best room in our house (that I'm paying for) for his creative work. If I compare his life with mine, his is way nicer, and he can only afford that life because of my earnings and working full time at a stressful job.

I try and put the resentment to one side but it isn't always easy. He's a lovely man and I can see that he just didn't have the proactive / organised side so couldn't go and get a full time job. But if I could choose again, I wouldn't have had children with him and would have tried to find someone of equal earning / organising ability, it's been stressful bearing the weight of responsibility for keeping us and the children going, financially. Especially during a stressful few years when we both had no work and no money - it fell solely to me to sort it all out and get us back on track.

I made the wrong decisions as I didn't think I'd find anyone else. I now realise that I would have done and should have had higher standards.

I did read your first thread and there's much more going into choosing this house than just finding a new home. Maybe its time to go your separate ways?

I wouldn’t commit to either house. I would stay where you are and figure out where you want to be in the long term.

Without reading your previous thread, it’s clear that this man has the life he wants, in the place he wants to live, with friends and family around him. All that he needs to complete the picture is a girlfriend who will perform girlfriend duties and bankroll his housing demands. As far as he is concerned, there is no need to consider your wants and needs, because you’re only there to fulfil his requirements. He doesn’t even want to go on holiday as a couple without dragging the rest of his life along, and sod what you wanted.

You’re young, you don’t have ties, you are beginning to see that you are conceding everything in this relationship and the resentment is building. It won’t ever go away while the power is all in his favour.

Nobody should have to spend their life chopping off their own corners to fit into someone else’s jigsaw puzzle.

I remember your last thread too (and feel a kinship with you from one stone to another )

Unfortunately it seems like this relationship just isn’t going to work out. He’s too dull for you. Think about where you’d like to be this time next year. Without compromise, where you’d ideally like to be. How realistic would it be if you’re still with him?

And you can’t stay with someone out of obligation and guilt. You will both end up miserable. He has food support from family and friends, yea he might be sad when you dump him but he’s a grown up and he’ll live.

Wow....he spends most of his time at your place but packs up and refuses to feed your cats when you are out of town (leaving you to pay someone to look after them)

This is very telling, he is selfish, uncommitted and quite frankly can't be arsed with anything that involves any sort if effort. You deserve so much better

Dozer!

Don't get why Is he paying tax on his "business" earnnings? Is relevant at all to this thread! Very odd question!

It can't have taken that much trust for him to start going out with you again - it's not as if he's actually committed anything, unlike you. Won't even feed your cats... if you get a joint house (subsidised by you)he's probably go home to mummy / stay with friends if you went away and you'd STILL have to pay to feed the cats... sound appealing? Imagine children...

He just sounds like the kind of bloke who doesn’t pay his way, and if he wasn’t “above board” with his tax affairs that’d be still more reason for OP to run for the hills!

Very odd

I don’t see why dozer’s question is odd. would you want to enter into a AST with someone who at any time might end up in prison for tax evasion?

Whether his cash in hand earnings are declared to HMRC is very pertinent info IMO.

Well I find it weird.
Splendidisolation was asking advice on whether it would be fair to rent a house that she likes, or one with a garage that her boyfriend likes.
Over the thread it has been discussed that he is a Mummy's boy from a small Village. He seems to be quite feckless and she seems to "carry" him in a lot of ways.
She never inferred that he was dishonest in any way so I find it very odd that Dozer should enquire if he is also a tax evader and now you warning her that if he was, he could end up in prison.
This is now in the realms of fantasy.
Shall we ask her if she thinks he may be an axe murderer as well.
I just find Dozers question intrusive and to be honest, rude.

I agree with Offred. And these ^ extrapolations are a bit OTT

Given he isn’t a massive multi national organisation, and therefore not likely to be offered a sweetheart deal re unpaid taxes, if he isn’t declaring cash in hand to HMRC then the risk he will end up in jail for not paying taxes is rather high.

Why else does someone deal mainly in cash?

Entering into a joint tenancy agreement with someone who is at best feckless and at worst dodgy is a crazy idea.

Nevermind the idea that you would put yourself in a position of financially supporting said person from the outset.