Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

I definitely wouldn’t move. I’d stay put in the flat I chose that’s suitable for my needs and my pocket.

No need to debate the moving in together or the 10 minute longer journey for him. He already stays at yours 6 nights a week.

Just tell him for now house hunting is off the agenda and things are staying as they are. Save yourself a lot of angst and a lot of expense.

You really shouldn't be crying. This man does not make you happy. A relationship shouldn't be hard work like this. Moving in together should be a lovely exciting happy time. The two of you should be enjoying looking at houses together, deciding which one is best for the two of you, and enjoying the journey. You seem on your own, and lonely. There's no togetherness.

I had a 7 year relationship like that is my twenties. Higher earner, constant worry. He just lived his life the way he wanted to. Never did anything for me that pushed him out of his comfort zone. I never knew where the future was going. It was awful.

I think you want him to change you want him to be someone he is not - and you keep hoping he will.

But he is telling you he is not going to - and that is his right

I lived somewhere like this OP, hundredmilesanhour summed it up perfectly, you are indeed trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, these guys want their old friends around them and family, they like being known and being a big fish in a small pond, there is nothing wrong with that if both partners are this way but you are clearly not. Whilst live can overcome many things, I think you will become resentful in time.

The holiday thing is quite - blinkered - of him. I mean, no-one wants to go on holiday with a couple they haven't even met yet..

Everything he does points to "you give, I take". I don't know whether it's worse that it apparently never crosses his mind to question that's the way it is, or how you feel about it.

So he's never met your family but you have to go on holiday with people you've never met?

House number 2.

You are renting!! This is not a forever home.

What tribpot said. This relationship is so one sided, with you doing all the sacrificing and him getting all the benefits. Take a Biff step back, pause, and decide if you watt this for your future.

UPDATE
So the estate agent called him like I said.
So House 2 they have someone else wanting to move in on 1 January so they want us to take it 15 January at the latest.
They can also push House 1 back to then.
So basically both houses are now available at same date.

Whatever. I'm disappointed. I cant even think straight anymore I feel so lonely and cut off and depressed. If i didnt have my cats to think of I would be fucking off for a few days ASAP. But I can't leave them.

Would you believe despite him essentially living here, when I go away for a few days I cant even rely on him to look after my cats I have to pay a woman to come around. Because he just goes back to staying at hjs when Im gone and despite me bringing it up in an argument once he never offered.

"Would you believe despite him essentially living here, when I go away for a few days I cant even rely on him to look after my cats I have to pay a woman to come around. Because he just goes back to staying at hjs when Im gone and despite me bringing it up in an argument once he never offered."

Now ask yourself "is this how someone who truly loves me would act? Could I have children with this man and be confident that he would step up with at least 50% of the work, commitment and effort that they require?"

It makes me sad to read this, you sound like a really nice and thoughtful person.

Maybe chuck him out for the weekend to get some headspace?

Are you a team?

I have my ups and downs with my husband, and we argue quite vigorously and always have, but we, the vast majority of the time, are a team.

That means doing things to help each other out (feed the cats), take decisions with both people's needs prioritized if possible (where to live, who needs to be put first and taking it in turns) and working together to live life better (so holidays together, to reinforce us as a couple).

I don't know why, but this guy isn't in a team with you. He's in a team by himself, and if you are happy to go along with his decisions, friends and lifestyle, then you'll be just fine.

All attempts to get him to support you, meet your needs and even feed your cat (not because he loves cats, but because that's just what partners do for each other) seem doomed to failure.

I don't know OP it just sounds all wrong. You sound lovely, by the way, it must be hard to read all of this.

Would you believe despite him essentially living here, when I go away for a few days I cant even rely on him to look after my cats I have to pay a woman to come around

Yes, yes I would believe that. He doesn't want to be your partner, he doesn't want to help you or make sacrifices to make you happy but he expects you to make all the effort and do all the relationship work and make all the sacrifices to make him happy.

Honestly, why don't you think you deserve better than this?

Oh Op. why are you trying so hard to make this relationship work? It sounds so exhausting and shit.

When DHand I first moved In together it was really exciting and we had loads of fun choosing furniture and cutlery and stuff.

This all reads like such hard work.

Are you frightened to challenge op and say ‘ I need you to look after the cats’ ?? This all seems a bit one sided sadly, he wants a girlfriend in his life but not anything that might cause him to have to disrupt his day to day. That won’t work long term

It gets worse.

Why do you think you deserve so little from your relationship?

Apologies OP for not reading the entire thread but from what I have read, I think you might be best to rethink the relationship.

In my thirties I had similar experience with a man who wouldn't make compromises.. ..it was his way or the highway.

One example: I lived four/five hours away from him...he drove there once a year, guess who travelled every other weekend to see him?

"Reader I married him." I'm still with him but I do regret not having left earlier when I was still in my 30s and I might have met someone else. Life is ok, it's not disastrous but it's so demoralising when someone constantly puts their wishes ahead of yours. In so many ways.
As someone else said, get some headspace and think as hard as you can about what you want and deserve. I wish I had.

You are too good for him. He's so incredibly selfish. I really hope you turf him out for good and find someone that cares about you, cats and all.

You are way too good for him. If he was away, you'd feed his cats.

This is so sad to read. You've put 100% into making the relationship work, but it's only working for him.

He likes his life as it is. You have shrunk your life (geographically, socially and in terms of your aspirations and dreams) to fit, and now you're feeling resentful. No bloody wonder.

Even if he agrees to house 2, you won't be happy as your wings will still be clipped and wtf is this nonsense about reducing his rental outgoings even though he can clearly afford his current rate? Don't be a mug

You are obviously an intelligent, successful woman who thrives on new experiences. You're not going to find them in a small provincial town with an inward looking manchild

I agree entirely wit hundredmilesanhour!
He's a home body, your a city girl and it's just not going to work. He sounds as though he would be so unhappy in a city. He needs a girl from the village, who will go round to his Mums every day and be friends with his mates.
You need a city type of guy.
Very sad but it needs to end for both of your long term happiness.

Op, I know it's really tough when you've poured so much energy and love into this relationship, upended your life to be with him, but the truth is that he does not feel the same. Look up the sunk costs fallacy.

He does not value or appreciate what you've done to be with him, he just expects it. And has no notion of reciprocating or even inconveniencing himself slightly to make life easier for you. Nope. This attitude of entitlement will lead to utter disregard and disrespect later, if not already. His "love" is a noun, but love needs to be a verb.

Your best bet is to fuck off to an exciting shiny city and an amazing life, and if he suddenly twigs what he's losing in you, he can make a rom-com dash to join you there.

Your best bet is to fuck off to an exciting shiny city and an amazing life, and if he suddenly twigs what he's losing in you, he can make a rom-com dash to join you there.
^ THIS

Fuck him.
Honestly if he can't even do the right thing by your cats.
When me and dh moved in together and my cat came too, he became 'dad'. Fed the cat as much as me, pretended he hated it but would be caught tickling it.
Was understanding about holiday restrictions etc now he had a pet.
He sobbed when it died.

Don't stitch yourself up financially with him.
Honestly, what are you getting from this relationship? What has he bought to the table?

OP its time to put your happiness first and think about what you want in the future, the forever version of your future. Be honest with yourself. What would you tell a friend if you were seeing this from the outside?