Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

What about waiting for house 3, one that works for both of you?

OP,

You come across as a lovely person.

But my spidey sense says "doormat", "stockholm syndrome" and the Sunk Cost Fallacy too.

You alone will decide. None of us can do that for you.

But I think, deep down.....hard as it may be, you might just have to pull on the huge girl knickers and live your life away from manipulation.

It is your choice now. You have seen all the posts responding to your request for advice.

I wish you the very best of luck.

You come across as desperate to have a relationship, any relationship.

You come across as desperate to have a relationship, any relationship.

I think that's a little harsh.

It is HARD to realise that you need to leave a relationship that you have invested a lot in.

It's hard to step outside of the vision of your life that you have created, and say "that life is not going to happen".

It's hard to look at the person you're in a relationship with and realise that they are not the person you wish they were, and they never will be.

I think that's a little harsh

Yes, you're probably right. It's always easier to see things clearly from the outside.

I just don't get any kind of sense of this being a partnership of equals.

I agree that she would have to really really hate being single in order for being with this man to be better than being single.

Harsh, yes. But nail on the head.
So, you pay someone to feed your cats because you can't rely on him to do this one simple little act of kindness?
And you are beating yourself up about this 'man'?
Come on love, we see it, you must too.

Im not seeing OP as being desperate for a relationship, I am seeing someone who is having the scales fall from her eyes though. When you first enter a relationship, you can see the flaws as charming idiosyncrasies and that you can live with them. Later on you find they may be deal breakers but by then you are invested and have to emotionally untangle yourself.

OP, I would say think long and hard. I am married to someone who won’t compromise on many things but is quite happy for me to do all the work and earn the money. I didn’t notice for years as I’m pretty easy going and a natural organiser.

Now I’m feeling pretty pissed off about things and cannot work out how I can get things to change when he doesn’t want them to.

You will always be the one to compromise, is that what you want?

And tbh, Meganchips, why would he want change? As far as he is concerned, this was the shape of your relationship. Deeply unfair, but it's you that changed, he's just the same.

I think women change more than men do. Huge generalisation, of course.

Fair point category

So either House 1 or House 2 will end up costing you two months of double rent?

I think this is a blessing in disguise, OP. It rules both houses out and gives you a chance to reassess.

The cat story is dreadful. I could see him doing that even if you were living together - buggering off back to his mum's every time you go away so you still have to pay for a cat sitter. There is literally nothing he is prepared to do to put himself out for you, is there?

Thanks for all of your help MNers, I appreciate it so much.

It is about the scales falling and clearly there are a lot of back issues.

I haven't been desparate for a relationship but I have a long, long history of both jumping around geographically AND choosing fairly "unsuitable" men and casual relationships. So you can see why, as well as the scales falling, there's a very sad part of me thinking I just cannot believe it. I thought I had picked up on a good guy and was going to settle. Now I'm looking at potentially ripping it all up, and going back to my "vagabonding" single ways. I'm not afraid of that, but I'm bitterly disappointed, particularly as a very close friend has had a baby and my sister has just moved to America with her very long term partner and will probably be getting engaged soon.

So its a case of - is this just not going to be my destiny then? Will I never have what others have? Maybe it will and maybe it wont, and if it doesnt, does that bother me, or is society's view of me what bothers me?

In addition there is a certain amount of guilt - I already left this man once and it took a lot of trust for him to start it up again. How can I walk? He has lost someone dear to him and is still grieving whilst supporting other family members grieving - and plus hia business is new and a hard slog. How can I do that to him?

Those are all the elements that make it less easy for me to dip out, when Ive never hesitated to dip out in other situations.

You can tell I'm an overthinker!

This weekend I need to unplug and maybe stop thinking about it all for a day or two. I might try and go somewhere new for the day tomorrow - sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation gives you clarity.

That sounds like a great idea. You don't have to be thinking and worrying about him all the time. He's pretty good at doing that for himself. You need to learn to be selfish - to please yourself and put yourself first. I don't believe all this city girl/country boy stuff. He just sounds like someone who makes sure he gets his own way all the time.

it took a lot of trust for him to start it up again

You're not going to ask him to start it up again after this, so that's not going to be a problem.

Maybe call back house 1. If they are willing to wait your notice period then take that one, if not tell them to get lost.

You can't stay with someone cos they're having a hard time. Everyone has life going on.

You left him because he's a manchild

He's still a manchild

HTH

Sorry for being flippant. You aren't doomed to an itinerant life of solitude, you may well meet someone in future who is fun and interesting and likes to travel etc - not someone who is clipping your wings and sponging off you. I'm afraid the thing that sealed it for me is the cats. Who fucking does that.

I remember your previous thread and back then I thought you were being taken advantage of.

If I were you I would move to the city. If he still wants to see you then can you date? He isn't right for you and you know it

I’ve just read both your threads. Bin him off ffs. A decent committed man will never make you feel like this. Move back to your friends and family.
It was the fact that he can’t even be bothered to care for your cats which tipped me over the edge from posting a considered reply into full LTB territory btw. He doesn’t deserve the amount of mental energy you’re wasting on trying to analyse this situation from a million angles.

And whatever you do, don’t sign any kind of rental agreement on ANY new property. Please. At the very least put all moves on hold for a while.

And as for the amount of trust it took him to reignite the relationship, well, you relocated a long way to be with him and he has shown utter disregard for THAT trust every step of the way. So I think your debts are paid on that score.

THe relationship sounds all about him, and it shouldn't be. Everyone has problems ... not everyone expects the world to permanently revolve around them as a result. Well, decent grown ups don't

You are twisting yourself in to a pretzel, and paying for the privilege, to cater to his wants while you come second to everything.

Is this really how you want to live your life?

OP I’ve been reading this thinking you were both in your 20s and him maybe a bit younger than you but now I see from your other thread that he’s THIRTY FOUR
Seriously, he’s not going to change. This horse is dead.

House 2. He can get a garage at some other point in the future. Perhaps all the quicker with the money you’ll save on not paying double rent. Paying double rent is sheer madness.

Can you look for a house 3? If not then definitely house 2. Maybe it’ll help give him the impetus to forge ahead in his chosen career (so he can contribute more and get a house as nice as 2 with a garage).

I’m afraid (having been in his position before myself) that beggars can’t be choosers. I counted myself lucky to have someone to share the rent with as left to myself it would have been a room in a shared house or a bedsit, not a flat etc. Also paying all the bills myself. So he should be prepared to wait for his garage house a while longer.

Oh and cross posts - if you have doubts now, might you still have doubts when you were married? If you were off in maternity? Could you rely on him to rise to any added responsibilities? What if you needed taking care of for a while? I know it’s a cliche but no relationship is better than a substandard one. Everyone has to compromise in relationships, and nothing is perfect (and if it is, then not all the time!) but there should be a fundamental love and healthy respect for each other as a basic foundation.

I know your friend and your sister might make you feel like you’re being left behind but everyone is travelling at their own pace. “The race is long, but in the end it’s only with yourself.”. Or something.