Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

Warning: long blow by blow account of a conversation. Writing this down for memory and I know some people actually enjoy reading this kind of minutea 😂
So he came in and was like "so the first one isn't a goer?". I explained they wouldn't budge on the date. He seemed disappointed but agreed we would have to let that idea go as double rent is mental.

Then I said "What do you think about living in House 2? Because I'd like to take it".

He seemed a little taken aback and didnt talk for a bit as he seemed to be working through some stuff. He said "it just seemed really damp inside" (He had actually said this then and there. I hadnt noticed this but in all fairness I have no sense of smell).
I said "but you seemed kind of shut off from the house as soon as we arrived, maybe because it had no garage and you already really liked House 1?" He agreed that maybe. He said he would be open to viewing it a second time but didnt seem thrilled.

Then he said as well as not having a garage its location in the town meant it would be a bit trickier for him to get to work.
Then I said "but maybe that's just a compromise you'd have to be willing to make - after all I've already made a lot". He said that was a big thing, dealing wth extra traffic every day. I said "We hardly live in London, so its what, an extra 10 minutes added to your day? Look on the bright side, I havent asked you to move further". He kind of didnt respond so I then went catty saying "right so Im supposed to cross the entire country, give up a region, then give up a city, to make this work, but you think extra minutes in the car is a hassle?"

Then we got on to the subject of me moving, him saying he wouldn't live in the city (him: "just because I said that a month ago doesnt mean I wouldnt be willing to reconsider later in life, does it?" - What?), me feeling like it's been all my work conpromising. He was getting really defensive even though i was unusually calm and collected. He tried to kind of "run circles" around me. I told him I had hoped he would make this "sacrifice" without prompting or second thought - he said "but its important I actually feel happy in the place I'm living" and then I said "yeah, well thats how I've felt about The Town, but I decided the relationship was worth a little discomfort on my side". That irritated him.

He then said "I cant believe you've turned this into an epic discussion about compromises and stuff when all I said was I wasn't a huge fan of the house but am willing to see it a second time". This made me feel a bit unsettled and guilty because its true, he had said he would see it a second time. I said "yeah, it's just I can sense even a second time you're not going to be blown away so it feels a bit deflating". I told him i felt disappointed that he wouldnt give at all and that I felt like my job was to just slot into his pre existing life and make it better. That nothing had changed for him. He said that was ridiculous. I said he still sees his fucking mother every day in the village he grew up in, sees his childhood friends 3 times a week, how did he not see that his life had remained unchanged and mine overturned? He said he was making a change - he was moving to The Town for me. I said "the town is where you were born, its 10 minutes away from your community, its hardly a life changing event".

Then he just fell silent for what felt like a really log time. Head in hands etc. I asked if he was ok. He said he was really tired (long working day). There was more silence. I asked him if he thought we were ready to move in together and he said yes. I said I would actually be open to just continuing living apart without any resentment, if the compromises on both sides were too much, and would he actually just prefer that? He said no.

Finally we kind of made up and went to bed but I found myself crying this morning as soon as I woke up.

We just had a coffee and he left for work. I told him the estate agent had tried calling me again last night and what should I say then ? He said to say we were forgetting the first one if no flexibility on move in date and to arrange a second viewing for tuesday (note: me doing the calling again).

@AlternativeTentacle

I have no garage he parks in the street!

Afterwards in bed he was being really overly chatty - which I realised was because he felt guilty.

He then made the stupid fucking mistake of going on about a.holiday he wants to.go on for a week (us and his mates) in February - hes been thinking about this for awhile, but there I am thinking "february - so potentially a really expensive month for us then?"

For fucksake.

I think your last line is really important - you doing the calling again.

That doesn't make him evil...

But you know, I was married to one like that (you don't notice at first when you're the organiser type) and I am so much happier now I'm with someone with, well - gumption.

When my boyfriend and I agree to see X film on X date, I don't just book in case of ending up with 4 tickets! It's sounds such a small thing but EVERY time he takes equal responsibility in our lives, it makes me happy.

Be careful what you accept for the long haul.

It seems to me that he has a very comfortable life that he loves with his birth family and friends. You have no desire in embracing that life.

On the other hand, you are a big city person and like the buzz and culture that that implies. He has no desire in embracing that life.

You have no children.

I am not sure that you do have a 'great relationship' any more. The conversations sound fraught and you both sound unhappy. The best solution, it seems to me, is for you to split up and for you to look for someone who loves what you love and vice versa.

How would his life work for him if you weren't there? Are you bankrolling it currently? Because it doesn't sound that great a relationship, and he hasn't convinced on the no I really really want to live with you front.

Interesting, it sounds like he does want to be with you, and realises he may need to change things - the question is whether he will. Hope your day is OK.

He's selfish and won't change. If you move in with him it will always be you compromising and feeling resentful. You will continue to be the organiser, the wife worker, the higher earner. You deserve more op.
I really don't think this is the relationship for you. When I met my dh we lived miles apart. He moved in with me because my house was bigger, and then we moved again to somewhere completely different for a house that suited our needs. Neither of us were that bothered what town we lived in, we were just excited to be together.
I think even if he says yes to house 2 he will hold it over you and forever rub it in that he's living somewhere inconvenient for him because of you.

I'd be tempted to get someone else to go with you to House 2 to see if it really does smell damp. If yes, that would be enough to take it off my list.

However, you're still allowing him to dictate events - you asked him whether he'd prefer to continue to live apart. What about you? This all just feels like way too much work.

I notice that as soon as you told him you felt it was your job to fit into his pre-existing life, he shut down and said he was too tired. I was expecting him to say "well, it was your choice. I never asked you to move across the country".

I think it's telling that you kind of made up but then woke up crying. It's like you can't give yourself permission to feel your feelings. Particularly due to the need to repress them around him because he finds it overwhelming.

It just feels like you're making all the running. I would be concerned that he would never actually put himself out for you. There's no evidence of it thus far.

I have no garage he parks in the street!

I rest my case.

If you are happy always being the one that does everything then crack on.

Otherwise why not start looking for somewhere in the city? He doesn't seem right keen on doing anything to actually be with you does he?

I would start looking for house 3. One you both like without the unnecessary expense

Absolutely do not start looking for house 3! Tell him that he will have to find the next few houses to look at if you are still hunting. If he wants these features so much he has to at least demonstrate half an hour of effort to find them.

When we were house hunting to buy I did all the real work to start. Then I stopped, I told my dh we had looked at enough houses together online, we were only going to see the ones he made plans for and drove us to on the weekend. And we split the work between us more after that.

I think its good that you left the silence and didn't try to fill them in. Silence gives him the space to think about what he's actually saying.

It's really difficult from our pov to work out what is really going on with him and I just have a load of questions. [but it's completely ok to decide not to answer!]

Is it that he just takes a lot of time to make decisions? Is is scared of change - set in his ways?

Do you make decisions for yourself or do you always refer to him and is this because of guilt from you leaving before?

How much of this previous history is affecting the choices you and he make today?

I can understand that he is fed up of all this compromise talk and maybe the right way forward is for you just to get on with what YOU want. He'll either come round [great] or you can move on. [also great because there are exciting times ahead for you with or without him] You don't need a safety net. You can do it. We believe in you.

I'd also consider having another look at house 2 by myself before Tuesday.

You are only renting..why not move into house 1, 2 or house 3 or whatever just to see how it goes? Then worry about finding the perfect house somewhere down the line.

I don't think any amount of debate about houses, damp and garages will change the fact that he's a small village type of a guy, who loves living next to his mum, isn't ever going to earn that much, and is happy with his friends and preferably a girlfriend that slots into that. His idea of compromise is moving 10 min down the road, but only so he can do exactly the same job, see his mum in the same way, see his friends etc.

He doesn't want to change his life! And, in some ways, he's right. If you know what you like, stick to it and do it. What he needs is a girl who likes that life and genuinely wants to live it, loves the community, loves how everyone knows everyone, and that doesn't sound like you.

You love to travel, want to live in a city and have more adventures creatively and make new friends. That's fine too- but you can't be his partner in life doing that when that's not what he wants and vice versa.

You seem to think love can conquer all but I sadly don't think it can, as if it was going to, you would be a hell of a lot happier than you are now.

I don't think he's a bad or selfish person, he has his comfort zone, he knows what he likes, he's a stick in the mud and that's fine to be like that. It's not fine to suffocate someone else's dreams to achieve this- but that's really on you.

Also- do you want to go on holiday with him and his friends? Wouldn't you rather go travelling the two of you?

This is round peg, square hole territory. Sorry.

House 2.

A garage would be lovely but paying double rent is madness imo.

Perhaps in a few years when he is earning more and the rent/mortgage is split 50/50 look for another house with a garage.

Yes you are a team and both need to make sacrifices. You are picking up the financial slack so as lovely as it would be to be able to go for house 1, number two is the one you prefer and makes far more financial sense.

You are flogging a horse that is already dead and buried.

This relationship will not work out.
He is a man-child looking for another mummy to facilitate his life.

Get on with your fabulous life & don't settle for less than you deserve in your next relationship.

Think that conversation looked like a wake up call for him tbf. He might not have realized how you felt and how you looked at things and I would give him some more chats and time to think things through. Sometimes we are not always aware that we are in the wrong despite best intentions.

Sorry did I read correctly that he would be paying less rent than he is currently when he moves in with you? How did you come to that arrangement? If he pays £600 on rent and bills now, then the minimum he'd put into the pot with you is £600, right?

When you say February will be an expensive month for ‘us’, do you mean you? Who is paying for the holiday?

Hmm, so he's not so stuck on the house situation (and you def want to make sure you don't move into a damp house Tbf) but that doesn't seem to be the biggest issue any more. The thing that sticks out there for me is " I cant believe you've turned this into an epic discussion about compromises.... ". I know I'm taking it out of context but are you never allowed to refer to that? Has he ever acknowledged it or seemed in any way appreciative?

At the end of the day do you want to spend a life with someone who needs all their support network around them (not a problem in itself, but personally I would find it claustrophobic) but is more than happy for you to have none of that support network and not understand that it's a huge compromise for you (not ok)? What would it be like if you had a family?

Do you want to holiday with his friends? Would he holiday with yours? Are you paying for the privilege (again)

@KungFuEric
It was my idea, as I earn more. His rent is currently £550 and in the new place it would be £300.