Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

Omg! Why are you all going on about his tax affairs? This is crazy!

Do you think you are being clever, or something? You are embarrassing yourselves now! Multi National Sweatheart Deals????????
You are sounding a bit deranged. She never said he was dishonest!
Have you heard yourselves? Stop jumping to conclusions about her boyfriend. Who you know nothing about. You are a disgrace!

Neither - keep looking. If the decision is unclear the likelihood is you’ve not found the right answer yet...

Tax compliance is important. I feel sure Jane Austen would agree.

But yes, let’s stick to the known facts. He wouldn’t feed the cats, ergo the man’s a cad.

Omg! Thank you Doser! I thought for a minute I was going mad!
I agree, he sounds like an absolute loser and a lazy arse as well.
She's too good for him by far.

OP, accidentally, you are repeatedly handing your happiness to this man, then blaming him when he drops it.

That's why he gets so tired in your discussions - you are making him responsible for your own happiness. I'm sure you're only trying to be "nice" but it's not really that nice. Not for either of you.

It's not selfish to pursue your own happiness. To be honest, he'll probably be relieved to be out of this relationship. He knows how to look after his own happiness and is probably really confused that you don't do the same.

It really is simple. Where do YOU want to life? Taking only your own desires into account - where do you want to be? Go there.

And I second the PP who spoke about how nice it is to live with a man with "gumption". My first DH was hopeless. It was exhausting; he was a boulder I had to constantly push uphill. When he finally rolled away down the hill I was initially miserable, but soon BLISSFUL.

The other day my boss asked me about something and I felt stressed, not knowing what to say. He said, "I'm not asking you to make the decision; I just want to know your thoughts so I can take them into account." I can't tell you what a relief that was.

Gumption is an underrated thing.

Hope you're ok? This thread must make difficult reading.
Hope you found space and time to think over the weekend.

Why aren't you buying a property? If you can afford double rent for 3 months,that's suggests you are a high earner....I'd be renting a studio flat and saving every penny for my mortgage...I think he should of said ,ok love have the house you want ,I know yr paying more and I appreciate that....did he say that??? ..you could buy alone ,and he could pay you rent

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if this has been touched on but is there any way you could short term sublet/ air bnb either House 1 or your current place for the interim 3 months when you'd be potentially renting both?

Theres plenty of valid reasons to not want to buy a property, especially when the OP has already made the point that they are not moving to a location they personally would choose to stay for years. Renting means you arent tied down to a place you may well want to move on from before too long.

Hope you e mama bed to get some head space and decide what YOU want bugger him, he’s looking out for himself - you need to look out for you

I've just read both threads and hope you are doing ok.

Another one here who is of the opinion you are just fundamentally incompatible. There is a very good chance you will end up feeling trapped and resentful if you stay with him and that is much, much worse than starting over and giving yourself the chance to find someone who adores you and puts your happiness first (and vice versa).

One of my best friends moved countries to be with the a man she had a whirlwind romance with. She was a vibrant, big city person who had an exciting career she had worked hard for. She moved to a town which couldn't support her career so now just works in a fairly low paid non-vocational role and she feels totally trapped as they now have two children and her partner won't relocate to her home and she can't move there with the kids or go without them. I know she struggles massively with the decision she made to move and part of her wishes she hadn't got pregnant the first time as she would have left before she got too tied down. She will never regret her children but I suspect she will spend the rest of her life regretting that decision to relocate and fundamentally give up who she was, along with all her friends and family.

Basically think long and hard if this is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with before getting tangled any further

What a sad story africat! Has your friend fallen out of love with the person who swept her off her feet! So sad...

I remember your earlier thread. I agree with those saying tell him thanks for all the good times, but you're not compatible and it's time you went your separate ways. He may not be a bad person but you're much more invested in trying to make him happy than he is in you - the lack of an offer to feed your cats shows that. You will always have to do everything to facilitate the life you want yourself. Whereas you can have that life in full, either as a single woman or as the partner of someone who really wants to make you happy. But at the moment that seems to be happening in spite of him, not because of him.

are you sure hes not secretly a killer zombie clown because if he was, that could cause problems with either house and would be a total red flag for me

itsonkyme yes I honestly could cry for her. She likes her DH but doesn't love him. Thankfully they do get on and he's a lovely guy, I feel awful for him too. I don't think he knows just how miserable she is

Tragic! Maybe when children get to 18 she can get her life back in some way.
She's almost put herself in my Grandmothers generation scenario. As in, they got married, had kids and that was it.
My Grandma told me that she felt a bit ashamed to admit that she'd had the best time of her life after my Grandad died.
My Father, also admitted that, "he started living his life when my Mum died".
What a waste of a life! My Dad is 92 now and I recently found some letters hidden, where he had tried several times to tell her how unhappy he was and tried to leave.
I don't know if he ever gave her the letters or not.
I look at him now and feel so sad for his wasted life. He worked so hard and built up a very successful business and gave her all she wanted but she treated him disgracefully.
His fault as well I guess for not being brave and leaving but such a shame.

Itsonkyme
Yes she has pretty much admitted once the kids are 18 she will be 'free' again but that in itself is so awful all round.

@splendidisolation
I have thought of you often since you first posted your first thread. I remember that this is the month your tenancy was due and the holiday your boyfriend booked. I hope you are okay and managed to find a way through this difficult decision.

I really hope you are happy, wherever you are living

I would leave both and wait to find one you like with a garage which has no expense issues, everything happens for a reason and the right one will come along