Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

@hellsbellsmelons
He wants it for his car!

I'm getting lots of different responses here but MN seems to agree on one thing: the double rent thing is crazy, so I'm going to discard that as even a possibility.
I may see if I can negotiate a later date but it doesnt seem likely

I wouldn’t go for either; and I’m the bigger earner too.

He doesn’t want house 2, you don’t want house 1. Neither are right from your joint point of views.

Whether you should be moving in with someone in these circumstances is entirely different; especially given he seems to lack the same commitment as you. I wouldn’t be.

Neither are suitable.

As well as paying double rent for a quarter, which is madness, there may be insurance and/or tenancy agreement issues if one place is unoccupied for more than 30 days, unless of course he can move immediately and will be living there alone until your flat is vacated at the end of tenancy.

I may see if I can negotiate a later date but it doesnt seem likely

Why when you prefer the other one? Just rent a garage. Not everyone has garages and life still goes on.

Urgh. It seems like I may have to let go of the House 2 idea then, which is a shame as it was basically my dream house. But I know it wouldnt be fair.

I guess I was just hoping that since I've done a lot of compromising and working with less than ideal circumstances he would be more like "fuck it, get what you want". Fantasy land I know!

@AlternativeTentacle
Because he really had the garage as his main must have :-/ I cant see how I can just bulldoze over that, morally. I do agree with you though.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
What makes you say "lacks the commitment"? The city comment?

Glad you're not now thinking of paying double rent for a quarter.

Why does he not like House 2 so much? Is it anything he could get over (I don't mean that cruelly! I mean 'get used to' I suppose) or you could change ie layout/use of rooms?

And if as you say you've already done a lot of compromising in the relationship, then I think he should absolutely be willing to give a bit of ground here.

Why does he need a garage so badly? Is there no other solution that could work?

How much it cost to rent a garage and how does that compare to House 1, both with and without the double rent?

And I'm wondering where all of this is going to go. I'm kind of horrified that he wouldn't have considered moving to the city at all.

I'm also concerned about the finances. I know you mentioned before that he stays over in your current home a lot. How do the finances work on that? Can he not just move in there with you?

Yes, you may get a slating if gender roles were reversed, but you may also be told not to be irresponsible with your money (my wife is SAHM and thinks we should rent a larger house but if we do we'll be broke -AIBU?), and you may also be warned about cocklodgers. Hard to know without details.

Your relationship isn't secure enough to put his 'wants' first or to spend money simply because it's what he wants. Three months rent is a lot of money & to spend it for someone who isn't totally committed to your relationship is daft.

House 2 , and I have often been in this position. A garage is a nice to have, not essential , rent one nearby if it’s so vital , the only way I would say house 1 is if you have thousands to throw away

i really think that either of those houses will lead to serious resentment down the line. If at all possible I would put off moving until you find somewhere you are both happy with. From the ultimatum update it sounds like you may still have issues to sort out before you commit to a house together. It's a very tricky situation, hope you get a result you're happy with.

Are you in a fixed term tenancy period?

From this thread it just seems like all the compromises and concern to be fair, is very one sided?

Wow - does how own as Aston Martin or a Porsche?
Very few people use garages for cars anyway.
Does house 2 have off street parking?

I guess I was just hoping that since I've done a lot of compromising and working with less than ideal circumstances he would be more like "fuck it, get what you want". Fantasy land I know!

No, I disagree.

What is his compromise exactly? He needs a garage then he can rent one surely? Personally a roof over his head might be a better bet.

Sounds like he threw the garage in knowing it is unlikely to be possible in a town/city setting. Just a thought. Spanner in the works. If he in unable to work around no garage, move in yourself.

Oops sorry, I got the houses mixed up.

The basis of my post is still what I want to say though.

You're the one paying. You're not in a secure relationship. You need to find a house you can afford on your own, in an area youwant to live & you need to stop subbing him. Renting a garage for a car is a luxury, he should be giving you that money & more to pay his half of the rent & bills.

@RhiannonOHara
I think it was because House 1 we saw first so he probably got fixated on that.

He wants a garage for his car and his stuff, but I mean, I have neither a car nor much stuff at all, so the other thing is space from House 2 (its bigger) is removed in House 1 (smaller) and put into a huge garage and basement. So basically yeah, he gets the garage and basement at the expense of actual floorspace.

Im beginning to realise its about more than just a simple house though. It seems to me I'm struggling with feelings of injustice really.

Sorry to rant but I suppose Im now using this thread as a log for my thoughts I'll come back and read later, but it feels like: my part of the rent on the new place is more than my rent now, whereas his part of the rent on the new place will be less than he pays now.

So it feels like he gets more for less, I get more for more, plus ive compromised on not living in the city. Idont know. My head is a mess. I dont think this is a healthy basis for moving in together if I feel this resentful. And it feels bad because I know he doesnt have any of this resentment I have.

I think ill go for a walk now to try and clear my mind.

@Apileofballyhoo

Yes, I was a bit stunned by his moving resp9nse too. :-/

That's the part that stops me feeling like a total bitch for considering overriding him.

@RhiannonOHara
Sorry mixed up my house numbers there!

My point is the house I like is much bigger. The house he likes is smaller but with a massive basement and garage to compensate.

He doesn't have the resentment because it seems like he's getting everything he wants without compromise. You seem to be doing all te compromising here.

Why does he need a garage for his car? Is it particularly valuable? If so, perhaps he should sell it and use the proceeds to make a more equitable contribution to the rent. If not, he really doesn't need a garage, plenty of people manage without.

@AlternativeTentacle
I definitely know hes not the sort to have thrown the garage in as a spanner.

BUT I think the crux of the issue is: he sees us as being on equal footing. Whereas I see myself as already having "paid out" more for this relationship.

Thats not healthy I know, and now im angry at myself for not being more "easy going" about it. As I say, I want to be fair but I also feel like just when exactly am I going to have to STOP compromising on stuff???

For what it would cost you to do this double rent how much would it cost to rent a garage nearby?