Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

I was going to say keep looking for a new house as you've got time.
But actually i think you need to look for a new boyfriend who values you

Another thread where the woman is a total mug to the demands of a spoilt useless man child.

Op in the nicest possible way, put yourself first. He wants what he wants, doesn't care what you want, wants you to pay for and do everything for him and cares more about his car than you. Wake up.

Neither house. Say no to both. You have time to clear your head and figure out what you want (from the relationship and from the house) together.
Time for some hard conversations.

This is you gut instinct telling you something ? Maybe it is that you have to be the major driver in everything significant that happens
You instinct is there for a reason.
Its not selfish, its self preservation and a very good indicator of what is likely to be the pattern of your life with this man.
Only you can decide if the good is good enough to outweigh this. personally (from bitter experience I would think long and hard before ignoring your very reasonable concerns.

@43percentburnt
Well I mean, it's a good point you make, isnt it. In that back in the day, when he was actually earning more, he chose his flat despite it not having a garage - and he found a garage to rent.
Now all of a sudden it's an essential.

@tribpot
Thank you for summarising so succinctly, thats exactly it.
"The problem isn't the two houses. The problem is the relationship. The fact he doesn't acknowledge any of the compromising you have already done is what's making it impossible for you to say 'look, House 1 is out, I'm not paying all that rent twice. House 2 is what I want and I think it's my turn, given how many sacrifices I've already made for you'."

I hadn't thought of it like this but now you've said it, it occurs to me you're right. The issue is he hasn't really acknowledged any of it. I dont want to act like a victim and be treated to him grovelling at my feet, but things I would have done or maybe would have hoped for:

• Maybe chucking me 50 quid at the beginning of the month and saying "here, thats towards a food/drink shop"
• Maybe saying "hey I'm glad you're starting to feel vetter about the town, I know it was difficult at first. If you really love house 2, then lets do it".

Can anyone advise how I should approach this tonight? Should I tell him I want to go for house 2, suggest it, how should I handle this? I'm worried I'm going to get emotional and have everything come blurting out tearily.

I think you should tell him you are going for house 2 with or without him but hopefully without him

I agree. I need to explain this to him tonight as calmly as possible.

Agreed. Best of luck

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
Thank you

What's wrong with being emotional and blurting things out tearily?

What do you want to say to him?

@Apileofballyhoo
Because that's been my normal way of raising issues with him and I can see he finds it overwhelming.

I want to tell him "I feel like I've compromised a lot this past year. Can you compromise on the house, and if not, I'll need to consider going it alone."

OMG, why should you moderate your own emotions in this very fraught situation in case he get 'overwhelmed'? What would happen if he did?

Honestly, the dancing around this guy is very apparent now, from your last thread and this one. You are paying and doing everything.

Why are you doing the wife-work when you aren't even his wife? And moderating your emotions not to upset him?

So, say to him that H1 on reflection is too expensive and can he compromise for H2.

If he says yes, you then need to have the convo about bills etc.

If he says no, H1 remains too expensive, so you start in your flat and have a good long think about your relationship.

*stay, not start

Neither house or go back and try to negotiate for house 1.

To be honest I would be saying no to either house and addressing the inequalities in your relationship right now.
You have no children no joint commitments and by his own choices has reduced his earning power, he as good as lives with you but doesn’t contribute financially or to the running of your home, (I call cocklodger !) neither has he done anything to help the house hunting apart from veto a house that meets his needs but imposes very difficult circumstances on you, and he’s openly said he’s not prepared to consider what you want in terms of where you live.
So I would say to him empty the wardrobe and go back to wherever his home is and consider what he wants to put into and get out of the relationship.
Going forward it has to be more of an equal partnership on a number of aspects financial housework etc snd both of your wants and needs taken into account regarding key decisions about your future.

Is it all down to a nicer place to live with all his boxes ticked that actually costs less than it does now with all cooking cleaning housework etc thrown in with no regard to you then you need to ltb.

Paying double rent for 3m is nuts. So that's out. The question is
House 2 or keep looking. Personally if I moved somewhere I didn't want to with my dh I would expect my criterion re living to be more
Important than his. He rents a garage currently so it's not a deal breaker.

This is not a good relationship. It is far too one sided.

Why the hell are you paying for everything? It needs to stop. He doesn't respect you. Repeat you can do better.

I remember your previous thread, and thought then that you were fundamentally incompatible.

Now, you're running around after this guy, making compromise after compromise to maintain the relationship, he's doing little to nothing, and now you're feeling resentful about it.

I think you need to step back and think very honestly about whether you're chasing a dream here. Does the man you love, and are willing to make so many changes for, actually exist outside your imagination? Or have you created him to a certain extent?

It sounds like the man you love and the man who lives are two different people.

I've got a mental image of him reclining on a sofa eating grapes while you scurry in with rightmove listings.
"There is no garage, this is unacceptable, bring me another" he announces as he waves you away with a languid hand.

Where is his effort to get involved with any of this beyond allowing you to show him around the places youve found?

I've been walking the dog and something was troubling me.
Correct me if I am wrong but did the OP says that she gave the hypothetical question to him "if living in the city was the only way that we could be together as a couple, what would you say" . And he said "No, I wouldn't live in the city".
If I am right, the correct answer from someone who loves you, should be: "you know I would live anywhere to be with you".
Any other answer from him should really have the hypothetical Klaxon blaring and the bucket of slime going over his head.
You sound like a lovely person and I feel you could do a lot better than to be "chained" to this person.

Find a new love in the city! I would!

Oh, and if you are doing all the wifework now then it's a LTB from me.

I misread this at first, I assumed you were considering compromising so much (and paying through the nose to do so) because he had uprooted his life to move somewhere he didn’t want to for you – not the other way around !

Tribpot summed this up perfectly, he has got absolutely everything he wanted and you have compromised at every turn! Not only that but when he moves in with you he will actually have a cut in his living costs. Given his reluctance to chip in for food etc. at yours I wouldn’t bank on him acting fairly now.

Maybe he is just oblivious and hasn’t realised how many compromised you have made, but if when you spell it out to him there isn’t some shock, remorse and an immediate change you have to question if he’s selfish and if he has sufficient respect for you.
I wouldn’t go into this blindly, assuming you have done all this with a mind to a future together. I would want to know the financial implications of some future potential scenarios if I stayed with him e.g. maternity leave, unemployment, illness etc. That should tell you what you need to know.

Hopefully he’s just not realised, but if it turns out he’s just inherently selfish then life’s too short.