Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

Don’t rent either home and plan to move to the city, or wait until closer to the time when you have to move out of your current place.

It’d be very foolhardy to shell out thousands for property 1.

If he currently rents a garage, and can continue to do so, he isn't even giving anything up - you are essentially bribing him to live with you by offering him even better terms than he's currently getting. It sounds a really unusual definition of you being fair.

Even if you hadn't upended your whole life to move to this area. He is basically getting an upgrade to his current life by moving in together, are you? I think you will continue to resent him if his idea of sacrifice is not getting what he wants, and isn't paying for, and he doesn't appear to recognise your very real sacrifices.

And I was another who voted for the city on your first thread.

I don't know if you want to have children but I'd be very doubtful about having any with him tbh.

Or rent somewhere smaller lower budget where you can split costs 50/50. You personally could then save more, eg should you later break up and move elsewhere or want to buy somewhere.

If he has too much stuff and can only afford to rent a small property he needs to get rid of or store some stuff or earn more!

No one needs a garage: it’s a luxury.

So he wants you to compromise by paying an extra 3 months rent, paying 2/3 rent and not living in a place you really like, so he can have a man cave? Doesn't sound very even handed to me. Surely this is a time for him to show some commitment by compromising on where you live?

TBH, either go for house 2 (possibly on your own) or look for somewhere else that suits you both. House 1 just isn't an option.

Splendid
It all seems very clear from the outside looking in. You’re the one driving this relationship.I don’t see why you should be explaining anything to him. All you need to say is that you’ve given it a lot of thought and house 1 doesn’t suit your needs. Leave it at that and see what ideas he comes up with.

If you are basically resentful that you earn more than him do not move in together.

If you are basically resentful that you are paying more than him, find somewhere cheaper so you both pay 50:50 but consider the future of the relationship. What happens if you are always the main earner?

OP I have been where you are...l did everything and spent years bending over to make a man happy...until l didnt...dcs came along and only then did i see how selfish he was...i remember an occassion he made himself lunch before the crying baby...as he was hungry!!
I looked for all our houses..did all the paperwork..higher paid professional job and all childcare ..cleaning etc...
Why??...I loved him
But I realise now that real love and commitment is TEAM work.
I would be tempted to let him move in with you full-time..see how much weight he pulls..I suspect little. You then have choices and you have saved money for them too.

I wonder if you said we haven't found the ideal house for us both..let's save up and you love here until we do. ..as others have said...his response will be revealing...if I was in love a show cupboard would do it...kind you in not a good judge!

Wiskyowl speaks a lot of truth..women's rolls have changed and the inequality of power is very damaging if you aren't working together...especially at the beginning...add mortgages..dcs ...
Good luck

I may get a rough ride now from those that believe in "one pot".

And you know, I believe in one pot - my fiancé earns a quarter of my salary and will move into my house and will do "well" from it - and I don't care. Incidentally - his house suits him better but he's prepared to compromise as I want to not disrupt my child. We both compromise, anc we both don't care about who pays what.

But I don't believe this is a "one pot" situation.

He's just a boyfriend.
You're not married.
You don't have kids.
He isn't committed enough to you to live where you want to (and you also don't want to live where he does)
He CBA to get involved in finding the house
He dumps all the other wifework on you too

That's just not a one pot situation to me. That's two people who are seeing where the relationship goes - and therefore, yes, in my view the one bloody paying for it does get the final say. In a healthy relationship though, a compromise would be possible so the final say wouldn't be quite as dictatorial as it sounds!

Honestly, I read that he already doesn't pull his weight (he was too busy to sort out house rental paperwork? Too busy? ) and I am staring at the screen thinking "why on earth does she want to move in with this lazy arse?"

To be honest, I am not sure about the rights and wrongs of the present dilemma, but your threads somehow seem to add up to an awful lot of agonising about this relationship. I can't help feeling that it should all be easier and more relaxed and something is not right about the whole thing.

I wouldn't be renting either house with this twat. He clearly cares more about his sodding car than you. Why should the car have space while you make do with less?

You can do better OP.Live on your own in the house you want in the place you want to live. Simples.

I agree with pog100 I think you are holding onto something that you really need to let go off and do it alone. No relationship is worth this amount of angst and loss of yourself

Your thread title says you need to be fair.

That includes being fair to yourself.

How do you feel now about your idea of moving to the city?

I'm another one who thinks this is probably still the best plan.

It’s funny my ex needed a garage when I was paying all the bills and mortgage. For the last 15 years since we split and he has to pay bills his car is perfectly fine on the road!

I can’t believe he would want you to waste money on double rent. I’m assuming he isn’t cutting back on spending money for his garage.

Is this relationship really going to last the distance? At a basic level is it going to work long term when you live the city and he wants country living and he doesn't ever to appear to compromise for you?

He will be saving on rent so he can afford to rent a garage separately. You are only renting it's not a forever house you are buying. What happens if you still want to be in the city?

I don't think this is the man to which you should hitch your wagon. You seem to be fundamentally incompatible (from both threads).

He's not the one OP. Dump the twat.

So to recap the two threads, you:

• moved across the country to the town nearest to him
• didn't want to be in the town as it's crap
• have done all the work in finding the two possible houses
• let him stay rent-free and work-free in your house for 6 nights a week
• pay for everything

He has:

• never left the village where he grew up
• stated he would never move to the city for you
• demanded a garage in a house that involves major and pointless financial outlay by you.

I agree with previous posters. The problem isn't the two houses. The problem is the relationship. The fact he doesn't acknowledge any of the compromising you have already done is what's making it impossible for you to say 'look, House 1 is out, I'm not paying all that rent twice. House 2 is what I want and I think it's my turn, given how many sacrifices I've already made for you'.

FWIW, I would never expect to have sole say into what house we lived in just because I'm the higher (essentially only) earner. But that's not what this is really about. So far he's had his own way in everything. No wonder he's fighting a shift in the status quo.

I'll be honest - I remember you posting right at the start of all this, and I am still of the same mind as I was then.

The two of you are unsuited. You have outgrown your DP. He is not truly committed to you in any way. He is saying and doing JUST ENOUGH to make you think you have a future together. At no time has he fully accepted your needs in this relationship or your desire to live in the city. He is happy for you to carry the financial weight, the emotional weight and the mental load. You are doing all the compromising and accommodating whilst he does as he pleases & you pay for it.

You have been struggling to keep your DP happy for some time now. When are you going to look after your own needs? Go back and read your own posting from last July - you are still going round in circles for this man. Stop compromising and start living IN THE CITY.

In a choice between the two houses, house 2. House 1 is just too big a compromise for you, not least financially, and it's you who is having to shoulder that entire burden, for a house that you just like. (and I bet part of what you like about it is that he likes it).

But honestly, I think you should not move in together, and I'd start looking more objectively at this relationship and how much he is really giving to it. Because it really sounds like it is all one way traffic.

I don’t think you should move in together at all TBH.

If you want to move from your flat to have more space then you move somewhere you like.

He either just isn’t that into you or he’s selfish and entitled. Neither thing makes for a happy life.

I think HE needs to find away of earning more money to meet HIS wants.

He wants you to move to where he lives
He wants a garage
He wants for YOU to pay for the more expensive house, plus the costs of your rent already paying.

HE needs to step up and start paying for HIS wants and not YOU.

If you want to move somewhere YOU want to live he shouldn't be included in that decision as HE not contributing anything to this move. I'm betting he is either in a lot of debt he doesn't want to know about or he has a lot more money then he letting you know about and that is why he didn't get his paperwork ready for the checks needed.

I think you need to go with what you want, but be prepared for it to have repercussions on the relationship.

I can see what you are saying regarding the finances, I’m in a similar situation and I do resent my DP with regards to money.

But I also need a garage where I live for my hobby, and it would be a deal breaker for me if my dream house had no garage - we’ll it wouldn’t be a dream house tbh.

Tough decision but YOU need to do what you want, it’s all we’ll and good being in a partnership, but it’s shit if you’re the one that always has to do the compromising

Honestly it's all wrong. He's far less invested in this than you are, and I don't just mean financially. Go back to the city.