Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

Op I think k you should split up. He doesn't love or value you.

If you hadn't moved you wouldn't be together . He spends most of the time with you yet doesn't pay his fair share or make it up to you in other ways. Even though you moved for him, he can't be arsed looking for somewhere for you both to move nor compromise on a garage (even though he's compromised on a garage before).

He is telling you that he doesn't love you. Or live you enough. And when you don't love someone that much then you're not willing to make sacrifices.

I moved to the other side of the world for an ex. If I hadn't then we would have split up. I want to shake my younger self. It wasn't his fault that he didn't love me enough but I was stupid to move to be with someone who wasn't willing to do the same for me. There will be compromises in relationships but the willingness has to come from both sides.

Another one saying he doesn’t love you or value you. Dump him, move to the city and find someone wonderful.

It would be completely unreasonable for him to expect you to pay all that extra rent to secure a house that is your second choice.

If this is indeed what he expects you to do then you need to rethink this relationship because problems like these will continue to arise and only get worse as your lives become more entwined.

Why are you continuously twisting yourself into a pretzel for someone who will never do the same, or appreciate that you have done it at all?

Why do you think it's your duty to do all the heavy lifting to keep the relationship going?

Either his solid gold cock or a v odd childhood on your part I assume?

Oh op you sound lovely he sounds like a cocklodger in training

Make a bloody decision and put yourself first, you have permission to run your life how you want
If he wanted to be an equal he would step up, but he doesn't want or need to cause your doing it all for him

With affection, take the word MUG off your forehead and get shot 💐

He wouldn't consider moving to the city with you.

He expects you to pay out for his dream house.

He can't be bothered arranging viewings & providing documentation to secure rental etc.

He is sending you a very clear message about his level of commitment here, please listen.

(At a time when you are starting to feel broody and will be needing a committed partner)

Oh op you sound lovely he sounds like a cocklodger in training

^ This

From what you've said on this and your other thread you have:

• moved a long distance from your home town/family/friends to live near him
• moved to a town that lacks any of the things you want to have access to
• made an effort to get to know his friends and join in with his social life
• allowed him to spend most of the week at your place, presumably without him paying any rent/bills/food money etc
• done all the wifework at your place
• considered all forms of potential compromises on your living arrangements and done all the research etc into potential new homes for the two of you

By contrast, he has:

• claimed you were the love of his life but didn't make any effort to follow you when you left, nor offer any kind of compromise which might have made you stay
• when you moved to be near him, stayed in his village and didn't consider moving to The Town to be with you
• said outright he wouldn't be prepared to move to The City which is 40 FUCKING MINUTES from where his work, friends and family are, despite you moving from the other end of the country
• made no effort to help with finances/housework etc at your current place despite being there more often than not
• done nothing regarding searching for a joint place other than demand a garage
• offered no compromise on his own living arrangements to make you happier

Being brutally honest I think he is happy to be with you provided he doesn't have to change anything about his life and doesn't have to compromise on anything. As long as you slot nicely into his life as is he is happy. Well fuck that! Becoming a couple means forging a new joint life as well as retaining your individuality. You don't have to merge into one person but you should be able to meet in the middle on at least SOME things.

He sounds like a pathetic, selfish, boring cuntpuffin so have my very first LTB

He is stifling and suffocating your spirit and creativity - why are with this dullard in his dull village? He has you jumping through hoops tp please him and then throws in issues juts to be obstructive.

I believe he is being disingenuous - he doesn't want the house he is just raising the bar so that he makes it impossible.

I followed your last thread at the time and really sad that you are not following your heart, creativity and vitality.

I am feeling claustophobic just reading this.

I wouldn't even think about house 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 or 7 with this man.

You are, quite rightly so, hugely resentful of putting in way more than your fair share. Emotionally and financially. If this relationship was right for you then you'd be happy if he was happy. You won't be happy with him because your happiness is of no consequence to him.

Tell him that you are putting future plans on hold, and reconsidering your future. And do just that. Take time out to think long and hard about your needs. How he reacts will tell you all you need to know.
Good luck OP

He sounds like a Puppet Master Narcissist!

Yeah the more I think about it the more its an absolute piss take that he said he wouldn't move to the nearest city really isn't it

These threads are great for clearing the fog. Take care OP.

I think it was the utter dismissiveness of it, and you.

I've asked before, but what do you get from the relationship?

He wants an extra mum, not a partner!

OP, please do what is best for YOU.

You will have years of regret and resentment otherwise.

You sound like a lovely person, but apologies, I think DP knows this, and is working on the basis that you will be the one to say OK, house number 1 and here's your garage, doesn't matter about me.

Deep down what would make you happiest?. Honestly now....

Moving back to your original area.
Staying where you are taking house no 1.
Staying where you takingn house no 2 (your preferred one)
Running away from it all.

When you put it up to DP, the answers/reaction will be telling. So have an exit strategy. Sorry to sound so negative, I don't mean to, but we are all the masters of our own fate in the end.

And if you do part, it could possibly be for the best. I don't know you at all, nor do I know your DP so naturally I am making assumptions, as everyone does anonymously online.

The only thing I want is for you to be happy with your choices. It is really down to you now. Go with your gut instinct.

@cathyclown

Thank you Cathy, your message warmed my heart.

We may well part at the end of this conversation, as a PP said the thread has been great for clearing the fog and I'm clear that I want this house and that if he reveals himself to be unwilling or unenthusiastic to compromise, I'm prepared to go my own way with sadness but a clear consience and excitement for the next chapter.

OP,

If it is not too intrusive, would you mind updating us as to the outcome.

Gosh that sounds so nosey, my apologies, but I have been following this for a while.

Just think of the relief you will feel when you are no longer carrying the weight of all the Responsibility for him.

I think you should just move to the city without him. He doesnt particularly want this compromise, he doesnt ACTUALLY want to move out of his village, and you havent been happy in that town either. I honestly dont see the point of you both moving somewhere that isnt really what either of you want, just for the sake of living together, when you both see each other loads anyway. Living apart is still a serious relationship. You do not have to live with someone. It doesnt mean your relationship has to be any less commmited. If you can afford to live apart then im convinced it would make a lot of people happier

OP - reading this I thought your boyfriend sounds like my ExP to a tee. I paid the mortgage, bills and did all the wife work, knackered and ran myself into the ground , for nearly a decade until I woke up. You are seeing the light before moving in , follow your gut and take heed of the red flags. This is the best it will be, it's supposed to be your honeymoon period still!
I agree it's either House 2 , or not at all and move to the city. Do what you want, what is best for you. (Don't make my mistake and become a doormat just to hold the relationship together)

@cathyclown

I will be sure to update out of respect for everyone who took the time to write and also because it will do me good.

@Branleuse
For some reason the "move to the city" option is less appealing to me now. Probably because if I were going it alone I would move to a completely different one, also because I've done the groundwork now to have an acceptable social life here whilst "gallivanting off" to different places to travel and see friends once a month or so. You see what I mean? So moving to his local city now would feel a bit off to me at this stage. I want to either make a proper go of it here, or else take myself off to a different region entirely alone if he won't compromise.

@May50
Dont worry, a little of my fire seems to ve smouldering back into existence 😉

Oh good , heat up a nice poker and stick it up his arse 👀

A couple of things would bother me here.... you doing all the chores and there just seems to be lesser gain in the relationship for you.

I'm rooting for you OP. I commented on your last thread that I'd made all the compromises to be with my DH. I now resent some of these deeply. I absolutely love my DH, but I am increasingly convinced that love alone just simply isn't enough.