Major decision - I need to be fair. Urgent!

[splendidisolation]

Dear Mumsnetters who read my first thread, I really really need your help making a decision. I need to decide by tonorrow morning at the latest.
My full thread is here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3012669-Hes-from-the-country-Im-from-the-city-feel-like-am-slowly-dying

Its important for context.

We went to see two houses in The Town.
House 1 we both liked and it had a garage (his major must have criteria).
House 2 I absolutely loved and he was less fond of. It had no garage. We went to see it because he said if he fell in love with the house he would do without the garage.

I got a call from the agency today to say the landlords of both houses are happy to rent to us.

The problem is House 1 they want us to take now. I have to give 3 months notice on my current flat. So it basically means I have to pay double rent for 3 months, as well as pay put roughly £2000 (first month, deposit, agency fee).

House 2 I still have to pay the £2000 but no double rent as it is to let from February.

I say I, because he doesn't have the money to help at all with this. We're splitting the rent 1/3 him and 2/3 me because I earn more, but he is low income and wont be able to start help pay rent until he has moved out of the other place (like most people).

I dont know what to do.

Clearly I want House 2 - I love it and the handover period means no unnecessary expense - perfect.

On the other hand, having a garage is very important to him and House 1 fits that criteria.

On the other hand, I feel like I've made sacrifices and now its hia turn.

On the other hand, we're supposed to be a team.

On the other hand, all the money side falls to me.

On the other hand, thats an unhealthy power imbalance if I go ahead with House 2, surely?

Please help, I cant see the wood for the trees. I want to be fair.

I've read the original thread and I think you ought to move to the city and sod him. Life in the town sounds stifling and isolated.

But I am from the sticks/suburbs and adopted London as my hometown ages ago and LOVE IT here, so I'm biased I know.

Can he not move in with you where you live now (sorry I haven't read the other thread) or does he live too far away? I think you should live together in either of your places first before you consider renting together, maybe for 6 months to see if you can even live together.

And it feels bad because I know he doesnt have any of this resentment I have.

Why would he?

I think the relationship doesn't sound hugely stable so you should do what you can, and would like to do, on your own. You're not married, you don't need to compromise as if you are. His commitment does not sound like long-term partner commitment. Don't set a precedent here for his needs coming first all the time. If he wants to come and live in House 2, he can. If not, then it's the end and better sooner rather than later. I say House 2.

I don't think framing this in terms of equality is that helpful, to be honest.
Part of the reason I say this is that it sounds as though this has become about power for him - the power of veto. And that is unreasonable. As a couple, he should want to do the same thing that you are doing: to sit down and listen to the other person and their desires and concerns, and to try to find a midpoint where there is variance. The thing is, in relationships, you have to make compromises sometimes. He's not doing this, but is instead expecting you to compromise for him.

" I have some resentment going on because we had a conversation a month ago where I said "be honest: if I had given you an ultimatum and said it was move to the city or nothing, wpuld you have moved to the city?". He replied "honestly, no"."

He told you, straight up, that he wouldn't have moved for you. All his behaviour is indicating that he's just not that committed, and that he's too selfish to compromise. I know it's incredibly painful to realise, but you need to hear what he's really telling you here because it's way deeper than a house choice.

Urgh final rant because then I really will go for this bloody walk.

I also feel annoyed because all of the viewings, hunting down houses, making appointments etc, I've handled. When we had to provide proof of income etc it was my stuff that got sent off because he didnt have time to print off all the relevant stuff, and basically my income was enough alone to secure it anyway.

I'm just findig it annoying, like I have to really give my absolute maximum across all levels here, in all aspects. Maybe that makes me sound selfish or mean. Maybe I am? I just dont know. I really cant see the wood for the trees.

In other news Ive started to make the beginnings of a social circle here in The Town, which is good.

I've read the original thread and I think you ought to move to the city and sod him
I think that's what a lot of us said.
And I think that's the way OP is starting to feel!

@whiskyowl

Fucking hell, you could be on to something. :-/

It sounds to me like you are making way too many compromises. So you go for house one, lose money, get more for him and he saves and then you live in a place that will forever remind you of your decision and fester resentment in you.

I think the decision is neither and keep looking and you have both become quite fixated on these 2 houses or consider your relationship more. I am guessing you aren't married. Why should you make all the compromises? When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Give yourself time to mull it over. You are under a pressured response time by giving yourselfs these 2 houses to choose from. That doesn't make for a healthy result.

splendid - you are NOT being unreasonable.

Part of the problem and part of the reason there is a lot of injustice about the relative workloads carried by men and women is that we are trained to see socially reproductive labour (house stuff, childcare, food stuff) as something other than work, almost as our destiny as women. But it is actually all labour, labour that's necessary to keep life liveable and that forms the foundation on which all waged work is possible. You are shouldering all of the responsibility, all of the mental work, and all of the organisational work of house hunting while he doesn't pull his weight. That is unfair and unjust. It is not selfish or mean to think this - it's actually pretty enlightened.

@whiskyowl
In all fairness I have form for being a bit ambiguous. I think this evening I'll put it to him straight up regarding House 2 and see how he reacts.

So I dont know the back story, but one thing is sticking out to me. Compromise is not the same as team work. In a good relationship both partners should be wanting to work together to find good middle ground to move forward. Noone should be feeling like they have compromised (given something up) to make it work, that way leads to resentment.

splendid- I hope you're correct and that he just doesn't understand what this means to you, that you explain it and that he rushes to put it right. That would be a nice narrative.

I don't think you would be mean or in any way overly suspicious, however, to approach this as a moment where you find out his true colours.

It sounds really tough!! Enjoy your walk, hope it gives you some headspace. It's freezing cold here, so wrap up!!

“I also feel annoyed because all of the viewings, hunting down houses, making appointments etc, I've handled. When we had to provide proof of income etc it was my stuff that got sent off because he didnt have time to print off all the relevant stuff...”

He’s just not committed to this relationship. I’m sorry - I know how painful this must be.

Don’t take either house. Work out what YOU want and what you can afford without him. You clearly can’t rely on him.

i speak from experience... he needs a garage. for YOUR sake... he needs a garage

@whiskyowl
I completely agree. As it is, I also do all of the wifework (and foot the food and living bills) on top of everything else. So yeah, there is a lot of resentment within me at the moment, that spills over into taking on a more universal form too: women often do get the short end of the stick and I'm surprised to find myself in this situation.

I'll see what he says but I will have your post in mind: as with my direct city question, this will be a true colours moment I think, and as a result it may affect what I do next.

This thread has really helped me realise: its not actually about the house. Its about me hoping he will decide to put his preference and convience slightly to the side, for the first time, to the benefit of me - just as I have done so far.

Phew! Wow, thanks Mumsnet 😂

Sorry Op, but I agree with whisky.

In a good relationship, you tyr and maek it work.

Dh is Dutch. When we first met I had been living overseas, and I did not want to spend the rest of my life living out of UK.
So when we fell in love, I had to say, I'm struggling with this.
Dh said to me, he is happy to live forever in UK. He is fine with that.

But before we got married, I knew I had to get to the place where, if that is where life took us, we would live in Holland. And I had to get to that place, and then tell him, and release him from his promise.

It wouldn't have been right to enter into marriage with him, with such an unequal footing. We ahd to both be willing to give up our country for the other, if that was what we needed to do.

As it happens, we lived in a 3rd country for 8 years, and now live in UK. Part of my current 'compromise' over this issue is that depsite money being short and holidays limited, we are committed to going to Holland at least once per year. I am totally committed to that, for his sake.

That is what this should look like. I know we are only hearing your side of the story, and he may feel that he has compromised all along, but from what you have said, you are doing all the running.

Stop.

Why can't he move in to where you live now?

How would things work if you pooled all your money for bills etc and divided left over spending money by half?

I was the higher earner in a previous relationship that didn't work out, and I didn't resent it at the time, as I felt all the money was ours, but looking back I feel like a fool as I could really use that money now. I was good with money and he wasn't. His money was his, and mine was ours when his ran out! I would much rather have that money now for my family.

My DH is the main earner and all the money is ours, no questions asked.

Is there any talk of getting engaged or married?

I didnt read the first thread but I agree with what Whisky is saying in terms of his commitment to your relationship.

I’m with whiskyowl. Nothing that you’ve said makes it sound like he has any intention of compromising for you, to make you happy too. He’s perfectly happy at the moment because you’re doing all the bending - you’ve given up the city, you’ve given up the house you love most, you’ve given up a lot.

I’m not saying you should go for the house you love and he doesn’t - that won’t help. I would compromise on houses and find one we both loved. But I’d do that in a relationship that was loving and two-sided and this one isn’t at all. It’s you giving things up and him floating along with no effort.

@Apileofballyhoo

He basically does! He has his own wardrobe here and all! He spends 6 nights a week here.

It's just its a small flat - we want to live somewhere bigger and have a garden.

What would happen if you stopped doing all the running? Would he take the reins for a bit or would the relationship wither without your relentless effort?

I get the impression that he is only in the relationship as long as he gets everything his own way. If the can't have it all how he wants then he'll be off.

I think deep down you know this, which is why you're trying to single-handedly make it work while you carry him.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath
I agree. I need to explain this to him tonight as calmly as possible.

Just read your update and not at all surprised that you are already feeding him etc. In fact, the only thing that has surprised me about him ever is you mentioned in your first thread that he is renting his own place - originally I thought it likely that he lived with his parents.

I'm not sure I see what you're getting from the relationship. Is it possible he's still angry about when you split up before?

House 2 and rent a garage separately. Over paying on the rent the reason for my decision. House 1 isnt a right timing. Approach your local council...they let out garages for not much.

Also remember House 2 still goes in his favour - you say it offers more room - so i'm guessing enough room for his other bits, whereas House 1 is smaller, he can continue to rent a garage for his car.