My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

Try not to see it as reward and punishment, but rather his DF’s recognition of your husband’s success in life and ability to provide for himself and his family without help. It is hurtful and unfair, but I expect the motivation had nothing to do with rejection of your DH and everything to do with providing a secure future for his daughter.

Don’t contest the will, you will get nowhere. If it’s not about the money what would be the point?

You know, caring for an elderly person at home is very demanding. The carers allowance is a pittance really. If your FIL gone into a home there would be no inheritance by now to fight over.

had gone into a home

OP I am sorry some are giving you a hard time.
While your SIL is doing the majority of the caring etc etc, I realise it's the rejection. Particularly as he is the only sibling who has been written out. Also, I don't think you are being grabby or entitled by thinking of what you would have done with the money, I think, if we are honest, it's something most of us would consider regardless of the relationship.

Unfortunately though, as others have said, he does need to let this go. He cannot change anything, and it would also make the situation far worse and extremely acrimonious. You need to focus on your own lovely, and normal, family and hopefully, over time, this will become less significant.

Look at it from his sister's point of view, she is presumably not young and looking after her father with all his health problems. This is presumably 7 days a week and probably been going on for years. Your husband has visited 4 times in the last year? Four times is nothing, why do you feel your husband is entitled to anything?

I think the family appreciates eldest sisters caring role although she has always bigged it up. Her alcoholism lost her employment so after his wife died he employed eldest daughter as carter, as I said, at £200 a week not a bad gig but I would acknowledge she has done it well.

not a bad gig for 84 pence per hour.....

and looks likes she has provided half a house for free as well

poor carer usually has to hear how kind it was of Barry/Angela to come and visit whilst they're changing the bed, wiping a bum and getting generally moaned at.

This has been my experience - the one who does least is generally better thought of. The one who is there saying, day out is taken for granted.

The change of routine and lack of continuity can be very distressing for elderly people who need care.

Also, it’s not always a break when people swoop in and out. They often don’t do the hard graft or difficult (mentally and/or physically) jobs, don’t know where things are and it can be twice the work for the carer.

I find it astonishing that anyone thinks being a carer is to be envied. It really, really isn’t as demonstrated by all the very eloquent posts on this point.

*day in, day out - not "saying"

I'm pretty sure that in the UK you can only challenge a will if you were financially dependent on the deceased. So your FIL's carer could, but you can't.

I haven't seen my parents in years and although they've sent me numerous messages insisting that half of their estate will be left to me or to my children, I have no doubt that when they die it will be discovered they've left it all to my sister. She's gone out of her way to look after them in their old age and to some extent has made sure I've been excluded, which hasn't been so nice of her. But she has put in the hours, and put up with their spite and vitriol, and deserves every penny. I consider it a freedom tax now, a way of paying for my better mental health and freedom from their controlling, ugly ways.

OP, your FIL can do whatever he likes with this money. It's his, after all. Don't let your husband see this as yet another slight. Try to make him see it as proof that he wasn't treated fairly by his family, and that he is much better than they are.

If i were him, I would speak to a solicitor about her possible coercion and undue influence.

A will changed in someone's favour when that person has power of attorney and is already undertaking all communication because the person is no longer capable?

Yes I would say it could be challenged and argued that the original will - made when FIL was known to be sound of mind - should stand.

But isn't the will just now reflecting what has always been the case - your FIL's preference for his other DC. The other siblings may not visit as often either but may be emotionally closer. Maybe they support FIL/SIL in ways you don't know about.

OnTheRise that is simply not true.

In the UK you can challenge a will on the following grounds

Lack of testamentary capacity. For a person to make a valid will they must be of sound mind. ...
Lack of valid execution. ...
Lack of knowledge and approval. ...
Undue influence. ...
Fraudulent wills and forged wills.

Having been the sibling who did the lions share of caring for a sick parent, and nothing like the amount of care your FIL requires, I'm pretty appalled that a child can turn up a few times a year and then bitch about provisions left to the one child who's sacrificing their entire life to care for the parent. Do you even give her any respite at all?

I didn't receive any more than my siblings in my mums will. And of course guess which muggins ended up with the two years worth of work and stress involved in sorting out her house and selling it? My sister was executor so she had a fair amount to do, but my brother has been the most demanding having done absolutely fuck all, couldn't even be there when she died despite living five minutes away as it was too hard for him.

Honestly, your SIL is carrying a massive burden here - maybe if you were both more focussed on supporting her this wouldn't be happening? And he doesn't give her his carers allowance, she would apply and receive it herself because she's doing all the caring.

Absolutely 100% understand your feelings, and your dh, on this. As whiskyowl said earlier, it is not something you will 'get' if you haven't lived the dynamics of dysfunctional families.
I'd suggest immediate counselling for your dh so he can explore whether to challenge his father (not the will) by telling him how it makes him feel hurt and rejected, or whether to let things lie. Time is important for this because of his dads age and illness. It might well be he decides not to raise the issue, but at least he has the opportunity at the moment
Really feel for you both, very rejecting, after a lifetime of rejection. Hard. :(

Sounds like all 5 siblings have been deeply traumatised by your FiL whether they know it or you can see it. Two with auto-immune disease and one an alcoholic - these are often the result of exposure to and internalisation of abuse and trauma in childhood. Another sibling NC. Your DH might be the most resilient and have the best emotional outcome. Sounds like that at least 3 of them are still rattling around in the toxic abusive dynamic seeking his approval and attention

BUT our contempt for carers is vile and ignorant tho -

"We are not talking about a lifetime of caring"

"It’s only in the last 12 years she has had this role."

My PIL spent my dhs inheritance while he was in his 20s. Made now qualms of bragging about spending the hundreds of thousands they inherited from his adoring DGP on themselves. We are NC now but they're living on benefits. Fucking arseholes (in many more ways the money is just one of them)

Glitter but that was their money...not "his inheritance"

OP, has your dh ever had man flu? Think about the trudging up and down the stairs with hot water bottles and Lemsips, the groaning and complaining, the "I'm feeling a little better now, can you make me...x, y and z," and now extrapolate that to twelve bloody years of it.

It's wasn't their money. It was from his DGP who would be turning in their graves at the fact they let their only son (and their only DGS) struggle
Financially at time while they squandered away all the money. They only had them living with them so they could keep their pension and didn't treat them very well at all 😞

If she wasn't caring for him the house would be sold to pay for a care home and savings would be gone too.

But I do genuinely get the hurt and rejection. As the black sheep myself.

dameglittersparkles I don't blame them. If I found out my kids were talking about my money as "their inheritance" I would take great delight in letting them know how I was "wasting" it.

Ontherise is right. Those grounds are very difficult to prove, the test for having capacity to do a will is pretty low. Courts are reluctant to overturn a will unless the challenger were reliant on the deceased, so practically speaking OP's DH would likely be advised not to challenge it.

Oh and if he does challenge and loses he gets to pay his own and the other sides costs. Out of his own money.

Believe me my PIL didn't deserve a penny of that money and both sets of DGP wouldn't have let them have anything if they'd known my FIL was a sexual predator

dameglittersparkles of course it was their money. If the DGPs wanted your DH to have the money they would have left it to him.