My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

I guess it's an old fashioned thing that we believe we are entitled to receive an inheritance in the first place and wonder why this is?

Then we place other kinds of values on this money - so that it has more meaning. We use it to feel rejected or not good enough. We use it to judge our relationships with siblings and parents. We believe it tells the truth about what is. Why do we do this?

No one is entitled to receive an inheritance. People are allowed to leave money to whomever they wish.

£200 per week looking after someone who is agitated and elderly is really hard graft. Perhaps you might try looking after FIL to give SIL one weekend break. It may well enlighten your current thinking.

If the sister wasn't looking after him would he have to go in a home and sell the house and use saving to fund this?

. We had discussed using it to pay off the last bit of mortgage.

It’s not about the money??? To be honest, you sound very grabby and entitled. He’s not even dead and already you’re discussing how you may have benefitted from his death. You list your visits to his father and chores he has done for him as if you expect pro-rata payment. Regardless of what caused them to drift apart emotionally, it was your DH choice to work so many hours and only visit once every three months. I don’t drive, and to visit my mother is a four train two bus five hour round trip and I manage to do it once a fortnight. And I work 50 hours + a week. Go on google and search for the track ‘cats in the cradle’ by Harry Chapin Carpenter. And hope your kids in time visit you.

Is the sisters DH in imminent danger of dying ? Is there nothing in his will that suggests she will be allowed to remain living in the house if he goes before her , given that she is his wife ?
Once her father dies , she will have the proceeds of half the sale of the bungalow surely if she owns it , plus a % of the remaining if divided amongst siblings .

Wow like others said, I think you should try looking after him for a week and see if you still feel 200 pounds a week is compensation enough.

If he was in a care home you would be paying 1-2k per week!

Looking after old people takes a huge toll
It's very clear you don't appreciate this at all.

My OHs Parents used to hold this over his head all the time. One day during an argument they said “you won’t get anything if we die” and we said we don’t need your money, we don’t want your money. It was a turning point, they thought they could control him by threatening to disinherit. It’s hurtful yes, but it’s a control thing.

It's hurtful but if it were not for your SIL there would be no money left at the end anyway. It's actually right that she gets the lion's share of the estate as she has given up her earning potential to be his carer.

The way it's been done is a bit odd and cruel though. To say "Look, son, your sister has done everything for me, and without her I'd have been in a home/died years ago. She's given up everything for me so I'm leaving her the house" and leaving your DH a couple of keepsakes and just a few hundred quid would be one thing. But "disinheriting" him? Did FIL actually use that word? Or is that the word you are using?

Another one here for thinking that perhaps SIL deserves it. She appears to be the only one of five that stepped up and took responsibility for caring for her dad and has probably sacrificed her own career and earning potential as a result. She also already earns half the house. I actually think she deserves it. Sorry.

• owns not earns!

Balloonslayer is spot on. Your fil is in effect paying for all his care in one lump sum.

Visiting his 95 year old dad who can't even write his own letters twice a year isn't much really, his sister has provided heavily discounted care and sacrificed her career and pension. It's right that she gets more

Depends where you live. You cannot disinherit a child in Scotland.

Parkinson's is vicious and caring for someone you love with Parkinson's is, I'm told, soul-destroying.

I think your SIL has earned every penny!

As he isn't dead yet you haven't seen a will!! You are going in the word of his dsis!! She could just be trying it torment her db if she feels hard done to looking after him solo.

If you are in Scotland there is legal rights but I know elsewhere is different.

His sister deserves the extra
She looked after fil for years.Being a care is hard soul destroying work, with not a lot of thanks.

My man was a care for her dad, she got left the house.All the others tried to contest the will.

If you don't bother going down to see him but then have your hand out.Well to me that's crass..

Think of it this way, she deserves it cause she actually looked after him.

It sounds as if there is only something because his daughter cared for him.

She might have been the only one in a position to-still didn't mean that she had to though.

Did your husband go to visit & then get turned away then?

If not, I don't see how she could block him tbh.

You would not believe the amount of carers I meet who work their fingers to the bone for a parent while all the other siblings do sod all and then turn up when it’s time for the will to be read.

I’m sorry your DH had a shit time from his family when he was younger. Thing is, as long as his father has capacity then he can leave his house to who he likes.

TBH if my children were spending their inheritance before I died then I'd leave it all to charity. It's vulgar and grabby.

If the sister has been doing all the caring and your DH making an odd token visit he can hardly be surprised.

A fifth share of half a bungalow was never going to amount to much. The care fees aspect is v relevant, and it is a huge weight off your mind to know that a sibling is close to your aged parent. I am 3 hours from my parent and know just how much my siblings do that I cannot.

On the emotional and rejection side I am, though, wincing for your poor DH. But it does sound as if he has been persuaded by his daughter. So again, thinking he is doing it for the best, and not meaning to reject your DH as such. He has been persuaded, he hasn’t pro actively decided to reject your DH.

Does the sister, or any other sibling, know how your DH felt about his childhood? Do they understand about the dyslexia?

Did the daughter purchase half the property or was she gifted it , to try and prevent sale to release funds for care ?

The father is now bedbound , is this a relatively new thing ? I know plenty of people who are the main carer for their relatives but who also work . If your husband is nearing retirement age , is his sister of a similar age ? How long has she not been working and being a carer instead ?

If he's changed his will via a solicitor you absolutely don't have a leg to stand on

i can see why your dh feels hurt. of course he does. but have you thought about what it means for your sil to be your fil's carer? quite right she should get the house. she owns half of it anyway. parkinson's is a terrible disease and she has her work cut out for her.

here's an idea: you take a week off, go up and give your sil a week's holiday. take on her burden just for a week and then see what you think. by you, i guess i really mean your dh.

i think neither of you have a clue what she has to deal with.

On a completely different note do you live in Scotland or England? As you can’t disinherit children/spouse in Scotland.

This will almost certainly happen to me - DM has always made it clear she prefers my brothers.

You have to let it go. Of course it is hurtful - it feels like a fuck you from beyond the grave. But it is your FIL's money and he can do what he wants with it.