My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

"She has always bigged it up" are you serious?? A lifetime of caring for an elderly person cannot be bigged up enough. Visiting twice a year is nothing compared to what she's done for FIL and you cannot keep holding her former alcoholism against her whenever it suits your case (and well done her for beating her illness, in that case). She has basically devoted herself to him for all of this time and you resent her getting a bit more money. Your DH has a happy life and a wife and children. He can make his own way in the world without the inheritance. I cannot believe people get so agitated about money they thought they might/were going to inherit. It's money, not love. Just leave it.

£200 a week is fuck all for caring for someone full time with Parkinson's.

I get why your husband feels hurt though. It's like one final recognition that you weren't quite part of the family.

I agree completely with DailyMail.

DB and his wife are extraordinarily patronising to me. A bit like your description of your SiL. It feels as if they have justified the fact that I give up my time to support our mother, because my time is not of equal value, because I am not of equal value.

Your SiL has risen to the challenge. You may not realise how difficult that is, because you have not had to do it. If DB were disinherited he would feel the same, and accuse me of manipulating. Instead perhaps your FiL notices who is there every day, and perhaps wants her to have a break and a bit of cash to spend once her caring duties are over.

You are just not appreciating how demanding the role of carer actually is. 12 years is a really long time and £200 per week is nothing in comparison to the actual work involved (and far less than a care home would cost). I'm quite shocked that you don't acknowledge how hard it must be - I honestly thought everyone knew it was difficult to care for an elderly person full time.

£25K for 12 years?!

I think it's unfair to single out one sibling, as is the case here.

As a parent...I could never do this. Even if I gave one child a larger amount, I wouldn't cut one off altogether.

I believe big sis had played the sympathy card and told dad to cut off your DH.

At dad's age...he's not really with it and would probably go along with anything.

£200 a week really isn't a good gig - would you be able to pay a mortgage and pension contribuions out of that, would you be able to go on holiday (having arranged someone else to come in and look after a crabby old man for the whole time, not 9-5, so not getting the money yourself). Would you be able to put savings aside ? What sort of lifestyle does 200/week afford you, when you could be out earning at a job that provides paid holiday, pensions, sick leave?

I really do get it about your DH feeling rejected, but you're coming across as hideously grabby. I'm sure she'd be delighted to swap her 200/week gig with you, why don't you ask?

While I don't envy your silly I think it's nasty to cut one DC out of the will completely. I suspect one of my siblings has ulterior motives when always mentioning how well we have done with property and that we won't struggle like them in front of our dps. Must be hurtful to your DH but luckily you are sorted with your pension have small mortgage and financially will be ok.

Silly=Sil

I honestly thought everyone knew it was difficult to care for an elderly person full time

Not just 'an elderly person', but a parent, which is heart breaking

I think the Op's Dh is desperately hurt as he appears to be the only sibling "cut out" almost as if the thinking is "Oh well oldest daughter has had all the grief and deserves a lot more than she is getting, so as I'm not so keen on Mr Nursy I'll give her his share"
If the other siblings had been cut out there would have been some logic to it, or if all of the shares to all of the siblings had been reduced to compensate oldest daughter for her care.
No one can imagine (unless like me you have witnessed it) the care required to a Parkinsons patient with dementia, it really is watching them 24/7 and a terrible strain both mentally and physically.
As regards to whether the FIL had testamentary capacity, the type of dementia that is associated with ongoing Parkinsons, the Patient can have frequent periods when they are lucid and in full control mentally, so there would be difficulty in proving without a doubt that he wasn't capable of making a will.

As I said previously the cost, both monetary and emotionally on trying to contest is simply not worth it.

The level of rejection the Op's DH has suffered is truly awful and I think possibly further therapy is a good idea.

I know someone who left all all her money and property to one daughter and nothing to her other DC.

Other DC had money and daughter was the one who spent 10 years caring for her.

Fair enough imo

Wow. Sounds like my x's father who had kuds with different wives and played them all off against each other with this threat.

Time will heal.... there's freedom in "fuck you and your inheritence".

No more trying to please. Just walk away and feel the pricelessness of being free from the threat.

It must hurt deeply, of course it does, but you have to let it lie now. Upsetting FIL or contesting the will later is going to estrange your dh from the rest of the family, and leave him with some guilt, I'd imagine too, for the upset/ anger/ resentment it will cause. Is a bit of money really worth that?

It isn't 'equal' what FIL has done, but perhaps it is 'fair'. In some ways, it is recognition that you guys have your lives sorted and he doesn't feel the burden of caring for you. That's a good thing. He probably admires your dh, even though he hasn't said so. Perhaps the other children have more 'issues' and FIL feels they need more financial help, feels like providing them with some money after he's gone is a last act of helping. It's not just about how much he loves the kids, but also a recognition of need (other siblings) or reward (in the case of SIL).

I confess I read the op and thought it was a reverse or similar. The total lack of awareness of what caring involves and basically saying “my husband hasn’t bothered much in previous years because he has worked hard and had a difficult childhood” and then saying but he’s visited 4 times this year when it is November as a demonstration of a good relationship is bonkers. It doesn’t show care or much of a relationship and nor does the weekly duty phone call.

They just don’t seem very close. Your sil and fil are very close and she has done a lot for him and I dare say feels it is right to reward that.

I can’t reallly see a problem there unless your dh is being treated significantly differently to other siblings who have a similar relationship as your fil and dh do.

I can understand that this feels like another disappointment for your dh but thinking about it logically, their relationship (from what you have said) has never been great and this is just more of the same. Expecting people who have behaved badly to just start behaving well and then being disappointed or upset when they don’t is not helpful or healthy.

I hope you can both move past this and I’m sorry your dh had a difficult childhood.

I'd be more sympathetic if you acknowledged that the SIL's job for the last 12years wasn't a good gig at all but bloody hard. She'd have been better paid and better off emotionally to get a job as a carer for someone else.

Also, if she only has half a home and her carer's income is going to be taken away when fil dies, then it's perfectly understandable that he wants to make sure she's ok.

Your DH has spent a lifetime convincing his father that he's done well for himself. Grain a happy and stable relationship with his house and kids. no alcoholism and no fear of losing his home. It makes perfect sense. Your FIL can see the dedication his daughter has put into his care and appreciates it.

If I were you, I'd be talking to your husband about it like this. £25k isn't a life changing sum, so don't worry about it.

If you are in the UK you can challenge it post-death. There are criteria that have to be met and if the estate is quite small you will have to weigh up the pros and cons thinking of any potential collateral damage in terms of relationships.

The digestible wikipage is here

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inheritance_(Provision_for_Family_and_Dependants)_Act_1975

The full legislation is here

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1975/63

I am so sorry that your husband has experienced this terrible pain- a toxic childhood where he was undermined and now this. Whatever the ins and outs and difficulties re sibling rivalries etc, that must be terribly painful.

I honestly thought everyone knew it was difficult to care for an elderly person full time.

Lord no, people who don't do it assuage their guilt by pretending it's, easy, almost nothing. Not really difficult, like driving for four hours, which can, obviously only be managed four times a year, at best.

OP, see if you can pull this back. Offer to care for your fIL for a week, it will give your SIL and holiday and you can love bomb your FIL into handing over his assets. At worse it will open your eyes to the reality of caring for a sick old man.

*in England or Wales I meant

Monkeymana we are not talking about a lifetime of caring. We have always offered her respite weeks and have taken him to Ireland and Cornwall. Offered to stay in the house so she can go away with her husband. all rejected.
She actively campaigns against DH coming and said the holidays were “ too much for him”. although he said at the time he had enjoyed them. He was more active until the past year or two, has carers twice a day
Yes, I do dislike her. As I said she views, even to this day, getting her father to herself as a sort of victory. ( I know that sounds weird but you have to know the dynamics). Other siblings acknowledge this as well.
The bungalow is in her name. This was done with the agreement of the family some time ago as an acknowledgement of her care work, wasn’t popular but accepted. She is now saying that as the house she lives in with her husband is his and will go to his kids she needs more from the inheritance as cannot afford to live if her DH dies first. I can’t see why she can’t sell the 3 bed bungalow and buy something smaller but whatever, not my business.
It’s the cruelty of my DH being singled out in this way that is driving my anger. If he had not found out now he would have been confronted with a note to be read at the will saying he had not visited enough! He has visited as much as anyone else. They all live far away apart from eldest sister.

Fil never spoke to his sister again after his aunt died and left his sister everything. He was livid. The pil visited the aunt once in a blue moon whereas his sister had cared for her for years, eventually having her to live with her.

Caring for old people is absolutely soul destroying. Years of dealing with incontinence, having to lift them, coping with the demands of a failing memory or cantankerous behaviour - not to mention being tied to the house. You have to let in carers if you have them, or wait around for health professionals, and if you want to go away or out for the day you can't get a dog walker or put them in kennels.

Carers I know spit feathers at family members who swoop in for a rare visit. The carer provides cups of tea/a meal and is then offered sage advice on how better to care for Mum/Dad/Auntie Mabel as they whoosh out and off back to their old person-free life. And then poor carer usually has to hear how kind it was of Barry/Angela to come and visit whilst they're changing the bed, wiping a bum and getting generally moaned at.

He sounds like he was bloody awful to your dh as a child. Why does your dh even want him? Let sil have him but don’t pretend what she’s doing isn’t hard or important. Maybe feeling like she’s won the prize of fil’s attention is what keeps her going?

Your dh hasn’t been singled out though has he? There’s another sibling who is getting nothing and until the old man dies and the will is read it’s all hypothetical anyway.

Don’t engage with the madness.

Lady your last para- yes I have personal experience of this, and it is utterly galling.

You sound vile op it is about the money

200 a week is nothing for being a career and for doing that for over a decade! You have some brash neck in your comments. What has her previous issues with alcoholism got to do with it?

My youngest sister lives with our Mother and I am one of six. I fully expect her to leave everything to her. She has cared for her for five years and she would have had to have full nursing care and all the inheritance would probably be gone by now. I wouldn't have cared for my Mother for millions of pounds. Now if he was leaving everything to just this one sister then I would understand this. But if he has made out he is successful he may just really think he doesn't need it.