My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

you say its not about the money, but you'd already been planning what to do with the inheritance??

When my dad was ill I discussed with my brother about him moving in with me so I could look after him. Problem was we didn't have the space but dad had money to extend my house. I was aware this meant when he died there would be nothing left for my brother and I would have a more valuable asset but one I couldn't release money from.

I rang my brother up to discuss it with him and he said it didn't matter one bit. That the most important thing was that dad was looked after.

Assuming you are talking about the CA benefit, your FIL won't be "giving her his carer's allowance". Carer's allowance is payable to the carer. The Scottish inheritance law for children is about movable assets e.g. what is in the bank account/jewelry and not property/land which you can absolutely exclude spouse and children from. You can also sign a waver to not claim movable assets (what my brother, dad and me will be doing if we succeed my mum).

My mum has disinherited my brother and me, and is leaving everything to my sons. We always knew this was likely but it did still throw up some strange feelings. My brother has helped her out financially a lot over the years and our childhood was chaotic and difficult. But it is her choice. In your case your SIL has done the bulk of the care for a very long time, so it shouldn't be that surprising to you.

I am so, so sorry.

It is absolutely shit, unfair and awful that your DH has been treated like this. I understand completely what you say about rejection and hurt - but I think this is something only those who have been wounded by their family can understand. Many others will assume you're being grabby about money - of course, you aren't, but they will not understand the pain of being symbolically cut out and cut off from love.

My best advice is to see a counsellor again. I think when someone has experienced the kind of abuse at the hands of family that your DH has, this becomes sporadically necessary at times in life when they are triggered. I've found it immensely helpful in being able to let go of a lot of different kinds of pain I've had at not being the golden child. It's just not fair that some people have to do all this emotional work, while others don't have to.

I think it's important that you are able to let this go, in time, as well. (Obviously you can't right now, you're hopping mad and rightly so). But if it become a source of permanent bitterness for you both - if you are constantly dragging it up and unable to leave it behind you in the past in the longer term - then healing will be much more difficult.

I'd be suspicious and I'd be contesting it, it's as simple as that.

To be disinherited by your own father is ver,y very cruel and it's not something that you can put into words easily but I'd be very suspicious that your DH's sister had coerced their dad.

Your DH was kicked out at 17, he persevered despite the difficulties and made a good life for himself but that's not the point is it? His own father might have been coerced and I wouldn't take that laying down if that was me.

Let it go.

Really. Just let it go.

There is nothing to be gained by contesting except more pain and grief (and expense - usually the only people who gain from contested wills are the lawyers).

Yes - your DH is hurt and feels rejected by a parent he wanted desperately to impress all of his life, but actually in a way, the fact that his father feels that he doesn't need the money shows how successful he has been. Just give him as much emotional support as you can. He will have to decide for himself how far he wants take things re: being cut out of the will, but I really hope - for both your sakes - that you can accept this sandpit it behind you.

*and put, not sandpit

It must be horrible to feel rejected by a parent.

What people decide to do with their money after death is totally up to them and, if his daughter is next door and helps him continually, I can understand, not necessarily agree, with what he's doing. But as you, quite rightly, say, it wouldn't be as painful if DH hadn't had such a shitty time in his youth.

Bitterness hurts you, not the person you're mad at. I understand why seeing your DH so upset is painful, but, even though you are angry for DH, it's in his best interests to try and be calmer about the situation.

His own father might have been coerced

Proving this could be very difficult, though, if the will was drawn up by a solicitor (appreciate it may not have been) then they would've done their best to ensure that there had been no undue influence.

Do not even consider contesting this!
I worked for many years in the civil courts and witnessed many cases of wills being contested, very few were successful and it was not cost effective unless it was an estate worth millions.
It causes so much family resentment and disharmony, that lasts years and will cause your DH far more emotional trauma than he is experiencing now.
No-one "wins" in these situations and you cannot self represent because the law involved is so complex. It is a cliche but only the lawyers win, and I am quite sure that if you sought legal advice you would be advised against contesting it.

I have been responsible for my elderly parents for a decade and face another decade looking after my elderly DM with dementia. I was forced to take early retirement, and am essentially always on call.

DB is too "busy" to visit more than twice a year, rarely for more than 30 minutes.

If my mother were able to change her will she would do so. Her preference would probably be to leave it all to the Dog Home (DB was always the favoured child, she never liked me much) but her self preservation would kick in and she would not dare to disinherit me, as she would realise I would happily trade an inheritance for a decade of active retirement.

What bothers me is that DB can never acknowledge what I do, or how difficult it is dealing with a cantankerous old lady, who is rarely kind or pleasant. Indeed he seems shocked now her social filters are gone and she is rude to him as well, but has not computed that this is what I get all the time.

Carers allowance is paid to the carer, not given by her DF. £200pw is less than minimum wage. And yes your DH may not have achieve a great family narrative, but from what you say his sister did not fare any better.

I’d say the money is a consideration but secondary. We had discussed using it to pay off the last bit of mortgage..

I don’t mean to sound harsh but it’s not your money though is it? Inheritance is fortunate, not a right.

It is about the money, at least admit it !!

FWIW I think father in law has done the right thing, whilst you've been busy building a future his eldest child has been providing full time care so her dad can live independently. Can't really put a price on that.

What is the situation with the other 3 siblings?
Do they all remain in the will and share equally with the carer DS?
Are they local to DFiL - do they help out or visit more?

Was the will to be shared equally between all 5 siblings until recently?

If it was changed when your DFiL @ 96years old with Parkinsons - which causes dementia - then I think that you should investigate your legal options - as it might not be valid given his deteriorated mental capacity.

As a PP has said - it looks obvious that the DS has engineered this situation - so your DH should not take it as a reflection of his relationship with his DF.

She has already said of course its a secondary consideration.

It is about the emotional rejection and despite DHs efforts and success a fuck you in terms of his share is going to elder sister rather than anyone else's .

I would def say that his sister has hugely contributed to Father's life and interestingly the fact that no academics are required to do this role that is what is valued at a younger age. As people get older they appreciate different things and perhaps fairer would have been a reduction for everyone and a weighting towards elder sister - but at the end of the day she was PAID for this role so wouldn't be substantially penalised for the caring role - including having her accom part funded. As I saw it as he owned his own home plus half the bungalow next door which sister lives in (with her DH or not). It sounds a bit of a mess but also there is an element of mixing emotion and finances - so your DH is tying up how he feels and how he feels his father loves or appreciates him with money and recognition via being paid as a reward. It is always difficult with lots of siblings and poorly parents (I am eldest of 6) as someone inevitably feels like they are the ones put on by others - but you get issues like lac of comms or misinterpretation of comms and also that sister will be saying one thing without father's knowledge and he interprets them a different way.

Father is trying to do best by the one that has been there every day for him. 4 times a yr is nothing even at 4 hrs away - sorry but it is. What is unfair is that he chose one to cut out of the will rather than reducing for a number.

DH needs time to adjust and you might want to look at some counselling around his emotional health not just this issue.

But its not easy to work through

I'm so sorry. It's very difficult when this sort of thing happens.
However, I doubt this is entirely his father's doing, but his sister, who is manipulating the situation to her benefit. To some extent I can understand this, as she's the one doing all the work for him, but it's still unfair on your DH.

I am going to be in a similar situation when my father dies, not that he will disinherit me, but being in a different country, and knowing what my father has planned via his will, I'm likely to end up with nothing while my sister and brother will get everything between them. I have had to make my peace with this because I can't DO anything about it, and I'm not going to distress my father about it as he will expect everything to be done properly - but I know my siblings, and I doubt they will follow what he wants properly, and as I won't be there, there is nothing I can realistically do.

greedy and grabby. The sister has put her life on hold to care for her dad. Sister and DF are obviously closer. Her sacrifice has allowed your DH to abrogate his responsibilities and focus on his career. I'd say she deserves the money. You say it's not a life changing amount, it might well help to change hers as her prospects are probably pretty slim.

I don’t know, I can kind of see why it should go the sister tbh. How much are we talking though 100k or millions?

Your husband hasn’t visited much in 35 years, but expects an equal share?

I’d say you don’t know for sure at all whether the will was changed or the contents of it. I also find it really hard to contemplate how people can talk about their inheritance and paying off their mortgages with it when the family member is still alive.

It’s so cold.

His sister has looked after his dad for him, I think it would be wrong to begrudge her if his father has changed his will, assuming he was still fit for making such changes.

I cared for my grandmother and when she died her money was split between my brother and I and he actually gave me his share because he had been glad I did to caring when he wasn’t able to.

Thank you all. As I’ve said I don’t think he will contest the will but as mummyofdragons says, it about recognition and reconciliation.
Pinky, there has always been the Sunday night phone call.
I think the family appreciates eldest sisters caring role although she has always bigged it up. Her alcoholism lost her employment so after his wife died he employed eldest daughter as carter, as I said, at £200 a week not a bad gig but I would acknowledge she has done it well.
To me all those children are all still competing for his affection and she some how sees herself as the winner, so does he - does that make sense?
It’s just my husband who has been singled out. The other siblings retain their shares in full apart from one sister who deliberately cut herself off from the family to spare herself she said. I think DH has always challenged his Dads belief system. He wasn’t supposed to do well and did. Was held up to the younger ones as an example of what not to do whilst he was still young and struggling.
Interesting what you said Mummyofdragons as two siblings have autoimmune diseases - I won’t say what as it’s quite a rare thing and may identify.
DH brother thinks it’s wrong and would probably say so if it came to it. The others don’t know yet.

If there is any remote chance that he has been pressured into changing his will, he has a duty to protect him. If it's his decision, and a willing one, then there is very little you can honestly do.

I cared for my grandmother in her last year of life, and it was relentless and exhausting. No one else in the family came anywhere close to stepping up to the plate, one cousin was even a care manager who didn't even come to see that everything was in place that could be. I found that very hard when they were all stood crying at her funeral tbh.

Maybe one course of action would be to see if there is anything practical your DH can do, now his dad is getting to the end of his days - it could be paying for a cleaner a few hours a week or sending some shopping etc, anything that will ease the burden for his sister.

There’s always two sides to this

Think of it from the other side
Your SIL is there day in day out, caring for your FIL, keeping him company, looking after him etc.

Your DH only sees him 2-4 times a year.

She’s doing the lions share of the care, she should be also getting the lions share of the inheritance.

If it was my family, I would say that’s fair enough. I live away from my parents and my younger sister lives closest to them. I fully expect that when my parents go, she will inherit the house.

You need to let this go. I understand it's brought back feelings of rejection, so I would suggest that your DH goes for counselling to help him manage these feelings.

But you've said it's not about the money. If that's true then why are you discussing challenging the will after he's died? Doing so won't cure the feelings of rejection, will it? The simple fact is that your DH has no right to the money and your FIL is free to leave his assets to whomever he chooses.

You sound very judgemental of your SIL and I am not sure why. She used to be an alcoholic? Good for her for quitting. She made some bad decisions in the past? Haven't we all! But she's stepping up now and being your FIL's carer. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's 24/7, 365 days a year. You don't get time off. You don't get to go 'home' from it. You get next to no support from social services because the money isn't there. They don't care if you are on your knees with exhaustion and stress - and forget trying to get respite care. In view of everything she is doing now I am surprised that you can dismiss it so casually and insist instead on clinging to past misdeeds. I can only assume the reason is because you don't really understand the relentlessness of being a full time carer to a relative.

You also sound judgemental of the fact that she gets paid the carer's allowance - but she is his carer, so why shouldn't she get it? It's £200 per week. Even on a standard 40 hour a week full time job that's only £5 per hour when minimum wage is £7.50! And trust me, she'll be doing more than 40 hours a week. Your FIL requires care. Care has to be paid for - either by selling your assets and getting the state to put you in a home. Or by employing private carers and making financial arrangements that mean they will look after you. Your FIL is simply doing the latter. If he's leaving her the other half of the house then it's still unlikely to cover the actual cost of what his care would have been in a home (for context you are looking at an average of £500 per week for a full time care home - and you would need to pay for 'extras' such as clothing, toiletries etc.).

It's a shame that your feelings of dislike for your SIL are such that it's blinding you to the fact that she's the one who has given up her life indefinitely to care for a bed-bound elderly man who requires round the clock attention. And that you feel that £200 weekly is ample reward for this. If that's the case then why don't you or your DH go and care for him and 'earn' all that money?

Finally visiting twice a year is nothing to be proud of. My parents are a 5 hour drive away and I visit every 8 weeks and stay for a long weekend. It's not difficult to do if you choose to make the time for it. It's fine to not want to visit, but don't try and dress up two annual visits as evidence of 'support' because it really isn't.

So with this in mind, take a long and hard look at your motives, because at face value from what you have written it sounds like the very definition of entitlement. You and your DH are suggesting that these twice yearly visits are somehow comparable to someone who is providing round the clock care, and that as a result assets should be split equally. I suspect that if the boot was on the other foot you might feel differently.

If my Dad had been horrible to me when growing up I'd be like ok, keep your money I don't want it anyway!

Olly Eldest sister now 70, had a successful career as a buyer before but alcoholics lose money. It’s only in the last 12 years she has had this role.
The conversation about the will was just a speculative one when we retired last year and were sorting out finances, putting aside money for daughters potential weddings or paying off this bit of a mortgage and not having it available. FIL is comfortable off but not a millionaire. The bungalow will go to eldest sister, I think all happy with that. ( although my opinion of a husband who says he will leave his wife with nothing unless this happens is low) we are talking about share of residual estate. About 25k I would say. I thought it was an ok conversation, felt a bit guilty but yes you have some expectations and at that time he had been given a year to live.