My Husband has been Disinherited. Devastated for him.

[nursy1]

Of course there is a back story to this. His family was fairly dysfunctional, 5 kids in all. He is dyslexic but diagnosed as an adult, all through his childhood his father told him he was lazy, didn’t work hard enough at school, would never amount to anything. It culminated in him being thrown out when he was 17 after he had chosen to do an engineering apprenticeship rather than anything acedemic.
Now FIL is in his 90s, suffering from heart failure and Parkinson’s, bed bound and in the care of his eldest daughter. (DH Mum died 12 years ago) He lives next door to her I n a bungalow which she half owns with him. He pays her his carers allowance.
He lives a 4 hour drive away from us. Dh visited him at the weekend. He was very agitated, calmed down eventually. As he left, daughter came around to car to say that as her DH house was going straight to his kids she would be left with nothing and would have no income once FIL died. In the light of this he had changed his will.
DH discovered from his brother subsequently that he is to be disinherited and his share given to eldest sister as we are “well off” and didn’t come to visit him enough.
My husband is devastated. We are only well off because he has worked like a dog 50 - 60 hour weeks for 35 years or more. Never had much time for visiting then but he has seen him 4 times in the past year. He also took him on a week long holiday to Cornwall where he spent his honeymoon. He has been blocked many times from visiting by eldest daughter as, according to he4 “ Dads not up to it” . DH has a good pension we saved hard for and I have a pension as well which will start later this year. We have a small mortgage on our house. And six kids between us. We are not wealthy, only comfortable on a budget I would say. His other younger siblings will be much the same by the time they are our age. The eldest sibling has made a number of crazy decisions in her life and was an alcoholic for some years. However, she drives a Mercedes and is not short of money.
It’s not the money so much as it is bringing back the terrible feelings of rejection he had all those years ago. He hasn’t slept and is on the verge of tears when we speak about it.
I am fuming and at times if I’m honest that’s not helping. I want to confront them but DH worried it will kill his frail Dad and would rather challenge the will after his death
Anyone any experience of similar. What helped?

Like I said my dhs GPS wouldn't have given them a penny if they'd known the truth. Tbh I'm not convinced they didn't destroy a will but hey ho

granny
I think dameglittlersparkles sees that the pils spending all the inheritance is another snub and manifestation of how little they think of their ds.

damegs
I don’t agree with that deduction. They don’t even care enough about themselves and their future to have spent it wisely and make it last their life times.

They’re idiots and you say he’s also a sexual predator. Hardly deep thinking, upstanding members of the community.

Mummyoflittledragon
That is exactly it.
Before I met DH he was in dire financial straits for a good while and the horrible fuckers let him struggle whilst selling his DGP house for HALF market value just to sell it quickly so they could blow the money. Then when FIL got charged with sex offences they claimed legal aid (not sure how they managed it but they also managed to get a council
House after selling their own and banking the money) vile vile people

You know I do have some idea of being a carer. I am A nurse, I have provided hours of advice for him on the phone on his health conditions, on OT stuff, reviewed his meds and was his main carer when we took him to Ireland to visit his other son. All met with much resentment by eldest sis. I have tried not to be “expert” about it ladyincement but there were some obvious aids to get which they just didn’t know about. His sock putter on gadget was a favourite with him for years.
I also have elderly, divorced parents, one with early dementia so spend much of my week shuttling between the two. No doubt that won’t improve in the future and I am the only one close enough to do it.

My DH has just made me cry. I quote “ my father never learned that there are different types of wealth. I’ve got far more of that than he ever had”. I think it’s dissipated my anger a bit and I am hopeful that he will get through it. It’s settling.
He has a memento from the family Home, a grandfather clock which he asked as it came from his Grandfather who did love him unconditionally and used to let him wind it when he stayed as a child. He was told he could have it but as it was valuable and our eldest son is gay ( FIL doesn’t approve) it was to go to his brothers eldest son in our will. Says it all doesn’t it?

It is actually very difficult to disinherit one of your children and have that stand in court

Not true, if OP is anywhere but Scotland. It's incredibly easy as you don't have to leave your children a single thing if you don't want to.

OP. why are you saying your DH has been singled out? If FIL is leaving his half of the house to the sister who owns the other half, then your DH has not been singled out at all, he's in the same position as the other three.

Very easy to disinherit a child in England. Do will with legal professional who is there at its execution and a side letter explaining to any judge your reasons. Very common.

you're speculating over a Will that you've never seen. For all you know everything has been left equally. It's in such bad taste to be complaining that you won't get anything from a man you've seen 3 times a year.

But why is there even any expectation that things will be different?

Your fil has behaved so badly that your dh required counselling and yet you expect him to behave differently now?

That’s not logical and is setting up more hurt.

He's not going to be around to argue if you leave the grandfather clock to your eldest son- not least because you are in possession of it already.

I can see it is the hurt and the toxic family dynamics that is driving your pain and anger. I am so sorry.

People feeling entitled to other people's money says it all to me.

Onlut. I think my husband hoped he had healed the relationship over the years and that certainly helped him to reconcile it a bit. This has just really screwed it up again.
To be clear. My FIL had been mobile until about the past five years. Then in a wheelchair and finally in the past year housebound. As I said he has other paid carers and a cleaner.
I think all the other siblings thought the gift of half a bungalow WAS the acknowledgement of her caring role.
This is new and singles my DH out.

Smellies. My DH promised he would do this. He will carry out the wishes because he is the better man bless him. Me, I’d be tempted not to do it cos I’m angry on my stepsons behalf too!
What a mess.

I think dameglittlersparkles sees that the pils spending all the inheritance is another snub and manifestation of how little they think of their ds. And if his attitude is that they spent "his inheritance" then I say again I don't blame them. No one has a right to decide they are entitled to an inheritance, it is irrelevant if the people are vile or wonderful, it is their money.

I hope to leave my children £200k each but if they start talking about me spending their inheritance I will rethink that. I am fortunate in that all 4 of them tell me to spend in and enjoy myself, they don't want anything. That makes me more inclined to look after it so they do get an inheritance.

Sorry, haven't read through the whole thread, but just a thought, if your SIL had not been caring for him all this time then there wouldn't be any inheritance for anyone since all his assets would have been eaten up. And if SIL has been paid carers allowance she probably deserves something extra. The responsibility of caring for someone 24 hours a day is huge. If you work out how much she is earning an hour it is shocking.

it sounds to me as if your OH has issues from his childhood that are being brought to the surface by his fathers approaching death, I think he needs to think about some more counselling to help him work it through.

Really? Mil has done the same in her will (but in dhs favour) as he is the only one that is there for her day in day out. Takes her to all the appointments, does all her jobs in the house (more and more now she’s getting older inc housework) ringing her every day, errands etc. He has 3 siblings who see her a max of once or twice a year. They are all earning well for themselves so her will was made out to dh. I know I’m likely to be biased but that’s fair surely? Sounds like a similar situation to yourselves. Dh didn’t have a great childhood with his dad mainly but there was neglect on her part too. He has forgiven this and still loves her and does everything for her.

However she has been paid all these years by him for the work she does - £200 a week

You said previously that this was his carer's allowance but carer's allowance is around £60 a week and would be paid directly to her anyway because it would be she who claimed it. Did you mean some other benefit? Just curious.

Looneytune253, sounds fair to me and it is nice to hear. So often it is the ones who visit once in a blue moon who seem to get all the praise for bothering and the one who is always there gets forgotten. (Currently responsible for organising everything for elderly relative with advanced dementia who is frequently vile to me and I know cousins will all be there with their hands out when she dies. I have recently arranged for her to go into a very upmarket home and with a bit of luck there won't be much for them to fight about.)

I don't understand. You've now shared that you are a nurse and also have elderly parents of your own that you help with. So in view of your professional and personal experience how can you possibly reconcile that with your earlier comments about £200 per week being a "good gig" and that SIL "bigs up" what she does?

If you genuinely have even a shred of experience in caring then you wouldn't have said those things, because you would KNOW how hard it is. If this is true then you're a nurse that doesn't do the type of community care that we are talking about here, and your parents aren't in need of the level of care that your FIL requires - meaning that you don't actually "know" how hard this kind of care can be. You'e also overlooking the fact that being paid to do this as a job - with annual leave, sick pay and days off - is completely different to living with it all year round for 12 years.

My final comment would be to agree with this because every word is true:

Carers I know spit feathers at family members who swoop in for a rare visit. The carer provides cups of tea/a meal and is then offered sage advice on how better to care for Mum/Dad/Auntie Mabel as they whoosh out and off back to their old person-free life. And then poor carer usually has to hear how kind it was of Barry/Angela to come and visit whilst they're changing the bed, wiping a bum and getting generally moaned at.

Sorry forgot to say cousins visit once a year but I reckon they will be there sharpish to see the will.

"he is the better man bless him" does not accord with the other things you have written.

Immobile for five years. Housebound for the past year. Carers and cleaners to organise.

What planet is your husband on that he does not appreciate that he is not having to take responsibility.

Honestly you sound just like my SiL. Immediately I found a decent carer who was willing to tolerate my mother, quite an achievement in itself, DB acted as if she had taken over. Admittedly he then, for a while, was nice to her, though not me. Whilst I was dealing with acquiring a whole set of new Personnel skills: employment contract, job description; payroll and pension; insurance; employee management and motivation. When my mother has a spell in hospital I immediately need to drop everything to organise post-discharge cover. And, and, and...

I suggest you post the same in the elderly parents section, where a number of us are coping with both losing years from our lives, as well as ineffective brothers and their arrogant wives.

I had a friend who did a bit of summer holiday nannying while she was a student so she knew what a piece of piss parenting was

I’m reminded of her :)

OP, sorry that some posters on here are giving you a hard time. I work in estate administration and can absolutely understand why your husband is hurt about being cut out. All the holier than thou posters who clutch their pearls at the thought of discussing a relative's estate pre-death are hilarious.

Inheritances, or lack of, bring out the absolute worst in families, I've witnessed some utterly horrific behaviour in my time.

Whilst your sil is clearly doing the lion's share of the caring duties, and will receive the property in acknowledgement of this, it does also sound as if she may have using her closeness to her father against your husband.

Given that you aren't struggling financially, it's probable that a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for family & dependents) Act 1975 would come to nought (although I've seen some pretty weak claims succeed).

If your husband does decide to challenge the Will after his father dies, then it may be worth considering a challenge on grounds of capacity and 'want of knowledge & approval'. Your fil is clearly vulnerable due to his age and the Parkinsons.

Any challenge is likely to cause bad feeling and estrange your husband from his family though and ultimately won't make him feel any better whilst he's grieving for his father. Far better to concentrate on the here and now and their existing relationship.

I agree with everything Needmoresleep but just to add some of us are doing it for elderly relatives who aren't even our parents and it is the cousins who are ineffective but basically the same.

Tbh, OP, you are dismissive of the role of a carer and were mentally spending your FIL's money before he is even dead. Regardless of what else is going on and other people's behaviour, you need to take a good look at your own.