My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You cannot shelter them from this, they are more aware than you would like to think. They know something is wrong and they pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken from you.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you dad pull this sort of stunt on your mother as well?. Why have you tolerated this to date, are you simply afraid of being on your own?. The effects on them re you staying with such a person are far more damaging going forward, they will become more aware anyway as they get older and will perhaps wonder of you why you put him before them.

The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to end up with someone who makes you feel alone.

[flumpybear]

Totally unacceptable I’m not surprised you left him before - I can see why you’re not keen to break up the family but I’d be adamant that things need to change or he doesn’t want to be with his family

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

All the good stuff he does is what millions of other men do with their children and without the coke benders. Its run of the mill really what he does, he is being Disney Dad to these children whilst you do the hard work of raising them.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

Cock I very much doubt it. He will be sitting in a room out his nut having "deep and meaningful" drug fuelled conversations. If he's not already sleeping it off.

[Georgie300]

AttillaTheMeerkat you are right. You’ve hit the nail on the head with that Post. Truth hurts

[TheVanguardSix]

Any guy with a family who goes on coke benders is a shit parent. End of.

[TammySwansonTwo]

I totally understand why you stayed before - he addressed it and stopped, that's fair enough. He's done it again now though and how you respond will dictate whether he thinks he can get away with or not. Mentioned my husband getting drunk before but if he was snorting our money up his nose, especially now we have kids, that would be a deal breaker for me.

Not every man who stays out is with another woman - plenty of people go on benders like this, nothing to do with cheating

[becotide]

He's fucking someone else. Nobody needs to go missing overnight, and certainly not for two nights. There is literally no other reason for this. Get an sdt test.

[Meeep]

What a dick.
I don't know what to say. You must be so upset.

DH did this a couple of times when we first got together. I told him if he was going out and was potentially going to stay out to tell me from the beginning and actually plan not to come home. I don't care if he stays out overnight with friends if that's the plan, but I do care about waking up at four and realising he's not there and then not knowing what's happened and worrying until he comes back.

Texting to let you know where he is and what's going on is not difficult. If his phone died and he couldn't remember the number he could log onto Facebook on a friend's phone. It it's really really disrespectful to just disappear.

Cancelling the bank cards was totally the right thing to do too.

Write down exactly what you're thinking and feeling now because if he comes home, with the kids there, it'll be easy to just let things go back to normal - until next time.
You need to really think about what you want and what you deserve. Having it on paper would help for the future, to remember properly.

[piggleiggle83949]

I feel for you OP, selfish bastard deserves to have no access to cash, might make him think twice before doing this again. He’s a grown man with a family not an 18 year old caught up in the novelty of going out.

I would get the kids ready and go out for the day. Meet a friend, go to soft play, swimming, whatever. Make him sweat.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

becotide there really is other reasons. You clearly have no experience of someone who goes on drug benders.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Such a simplistic attitude. In mind and my DHs old circle of friends it wasn't unusual to go out and get shit faced then move on to the places that stayed open really late then go back to someone's flat and drink more if necessary. No cheating, just man children.

[Kardashianlove]

feel like I’ve either going to have to accept this childish selfish streak is in him and put up with it, or leave.

You are completely right there. He's shown that this is something he's going to keep doing. No matter how sorry he is and how much he promises, he's shown that he will carry on doing this every so often.

Only you can decide whether you are willing to put up with this and whether his good qualities outweigh this part of him.


It's not just childish though, it's completely disrespectful to you.
It's also incredibly unfair on his DC. They will have to deal with you being worried and tired (however much you try to hide it from them, kids will always get a sense that something is not quite right). They will also pick up more and more as they get older. They will piece things together too as they grow up and realise that their dad used to go on coke binges and put their mum through a lot of stress.

[keeponworking]

First sniff of coke (pun intended) and I would be urging you to take serious, serious action OP. It sounds like this is not the first time that you know he's done this, coke and booze together (that's how they go normally, merrily it destroying parts of his heart muscle each time he does it by the way).

I had a partner, the first one after I got divorced. Didn't realise the extent to which he was secretly using coke (well you can't know, ever, exactly) but looking back it was a lot more often than I thought that's for sure. I could only really ever tell when he went off on one an smashed up the house (which of course your DH isn't doing) but there's usually extreme behaviour of one sort or another involved and whilst that might be fine and dandy for a single man, he isn't a single man and these events however sporadic, could come back and bite him - and you and the kids - right on the arse one day if anything ever occurred and you had to call the police for example....

If you know he's using coke and SS ever get involved with you, it would be described in court as 'left the children unattended with a known drug user'. It's that black and white for them, there are no grey areas. He has a history of it, this is not a one-off (if you're sure that he's using on these benders that is). Just beware. His behaviour could put your children/family at risk.

[AmyandReuben]

It's really inconsiderate because he's made you worry. But he's not really out of order to stay out all night with his friends once in a blue moon. 2 nights is a bit much... and so is carrying on into the next day. But if he hardly ever goes out, what's the harm in letting him stay out drinking and chatting with his friends and crawling home at 6am with a hangover? If that's how he wants to blow off steam then maybe you need to relax and not be so controlling, especially if most of the time you get on so well and he works hard running his own business. If this was a regular occurrence then I'd totally be on your side but if it barely ever happens then I think you are really overreacting. Maybe if you were a bit more relaxed with him then he wouldn't feel the need to lie/turn off his phone after a few drinks and could just openly say to you 'look, i'm having fun with my friends, I'll be home in a few hours' and then to make up for it he could look after the kids the next weekend while you went to do whatever you like to do to relax. I'm not saying I wouldn't be angry because I would. But you do sound a bit controlling, especially if he's literally just hanging out with some friends once every few months. If this is really worth moving out and throwing away a 12 year relationship?!?

[becotide]

I have SO MUCH experience of someone who goes on drug benders. he went on drug benders all the time. And the only time he stayed out and switched his phone off, he was fucking someone else.

[AmyandReuben]

I've just read other messages about drugs... If there are drugs involved then that's a totally different matter and I would have left a long time ago! But if it's just a few drinks then I think you're being unreasonable.

[TammySwansonTwo]

Fucking hell, I've heard it all now! Op is CONTROLLING!

Don't be so bloody ridiculous. This is not how parents behave and treat each other.

If he wanted to go out all night, get high and stay with a friend, that's the arrangements he should have made rather than leaving her alone with three kids, being god knows where with no phone and doing god knows what.

Having a problem with that is not controlling.

[SparklyMagpie]

Totally out of order

Id be ending this oncehemakes a appearance, sorry he's left you feeling like this op

[Nanny0gg]

Maybe if he did have a proper group of friends he could go out in a normal way and not 'have' to have these destructive benders. But that's his decision to make.

I'm sorry OP, this is horrible to happen just before Christmas as you're certainly going to have to have another conversation with him when he's back and sober.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

becotide that doesn't apply to everyone though. I only know of one guy in a whole group of friends that cheated. And ops dh hasn't before.

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

Tammy, you are right it's just having self respect.

[Missingstreetlife]

AA &/or na for him, Alan on for you, alateen for kids in due course.
Today, not next week. Good luck.

[Missingstreetlife]

That's alanon

[DearMrDilkington]

No idea why your getting such a hard time on here.

You did the right thing cancelling the cards, ignore other posters that say otherwise. I highly doubt his with a woman if his been taking drugs, his probably crashed at a mates house.

I'd leave him over this personally. I have zero tolerance for drugs being used when children are involved and with his behaviour in the past its completely unacceptable.

He won't change, your kids will know something is wrong. Even the baby will sense how stressed you are.

You can do much better than this and you know it.