My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

Good luck, you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on! Nothing is black and white it’s all shades of grey. Hugs

oh thy all had the same story 24 hours later that means it must be true

dont blame peopl for giving u sound advice- youre in denial

good luck

See you in another year or so then when he behaves like a twatty teenager again and vanishes for a weekend so you have to play detective and ring round every single one of his 'aquaintancies' to find out whether he's dead or not, because not one of them could be arsed to get a message to you!

I’ve asked it to be removed as There are some very inaccurate posts and it’s frustrating I haven’t got the time to keep putting the record straight
Good luck with that op. I once asked for a thread of mine to be removed as some ppl were misconstruing/misreading what I had said and being really really nasty. Which egged on others and at that point it became very unpleasant all round for anyone who had agreed with me. Mn didnt remove it because it 'wouldn't be fair to those ppl who had invested in the thread by leaving comments'. So afaik they won't remove unless its identifying.

You are crazy staying more fool you

You can't be the only person working at a marriage. I tried and tried for nearly 20 years. My only regret is that I didn't leave sooner. Very very similar story to OP. He didn't change.

My DC were in a happier situation almost immediately. All in a much better place now.

The denial is strong in this one.

@Poison I totally agree.
The OP comes here for advice, a lot of people give her good, sensible advice and can see exactly what is going on.
Then as soon as the idiot returns and feeds her a complete pack of lies which she foolishly and naively believes despite evidence to the contrary, she sucks it up and all of a sudden we are all wrong!!!
She is deluded and yes she is a mug. She has contradicted everything she said in on her posts before he came home and sweet talked her! He is a druggie, a liar and he has no respect for her or the children but all of a sudden he is a great partner.
I give up!!

See you soon, OP.

Op my husband and me got together young and he did this so did all his friends so it was common in his group. As everyone got older most of them settled and had kids . Theiris one who last time i saw him was still doing it hes got at least 4 children by 4 different people i havnt seen him in years so maybe he has calmed down or maybe still doing it. The others seem to do what your husband does and get in trouble / kicked out over it but seem to patch it up. My husband still goes over the top and is useless the next day but comes home. But i dont think il ever feel totally at ease with it as he did the full weekend bender thing in the past I guess you feel the same? I do think what he is saying is true though i do know some of my husbands friends did lie for him in the past and im not sure of the phone battery died or was turned off as he planned to stay out at friends and didnt want to tell you. I used to party with the group i my youth and ive seen them all do this. But you obviously got little/ no sleep, you where so stressed and upset by it , you sent the kids to your mams due to the upset, you then had to ring round all these different people getting numbers and speaking to other people. All of this upset and stress on you and im guessing you felt stressed and stupid having to chase around and find him. None of that is fair and yes he got sick but he also made the choice to say he was coming home then even if his battery died instead refusing going to someones house as he told his wife he was on his way home he went to the house knowing he couldnt contact you. If he hadnt got sick what to you truthfully think would have happened ? Im assuming he would have been out till the morning ? One last thing i would say is dont let your mum or anyone else tell you things are not bad enough to leave. Only you can ever make that decision , you are the one in the relationship and you had to deal with the worry , upset ect. Good luck

I’m taking it he’s home safely, hopefully that’s the last of his teenage behaviour - hope all goes well - my husband gets stupidly drunk at times too, doesn’t stay out but acts the fool - thankfully he’s too tight to spend lots of money though 😉

Mumsnet does surprise me. I haven’t been on here for to long. Most people are lovely but others are just really unkind and horrible to people who want some support.

There is giving people advise and then there’s people just wanting to have a pop at people. I find this really sad...

cringe
I can't believe you had to speak to all those people in order to believe your own husband.
It is not court. You're not the judge with them as jury or witnesses.
Why do you need other adults to corroborate his story?
Why couldn't you just talk to him?
Why do you need to cancel his cards?
He will now be in debt to his drug friends for all the coke he snorted.
Smoking weed does not make you continually sick that you have to stay away for two nights, neither does getting pissed unless he puked and carried on drinking through the next day.
More likely he'd be so violently ill for a prolonged period is through ecstasy or other pills or opiates.

How come NONE of them were on Facebook then you suddenly found the Ozzie one and worked your way through all his friends?
This whole situation is bullshit.
He was on a bender and didn't want to come home PLUS with his conniving friends managed to wangle a second night away from home! Score !

Op, it's your choice what you do. Hopefully it will work out. If it doesn't, you tried. Not everyone would put up with this behaviour from a partner but at the end of the day it's your life.
If it goes wrong, come back, don't be put off by the people who are getting cross with you for not taking their advice, it's your relationship.
I would make sure he knows this is his last chance though.

Georgie , if you are still reading, or not...
You now know the lay of the land with your dh. You gave an ultimatum over this issue but then did not follow through. That is a green light go for him. He may have a sense of how long to wait between events so as to not push his luck too much.

His disappearing is very worrying and I understand your angst and fears and anger. That is a very big burden for you to carry all the while carrying on with your dc. But then it was all for naught, wasn't it? Next time, imho, you would be right to not care- no anger, angst, worry. His volunteering to disappear is all about him; he is erasing you out of his life for a period of time. Bounce that ball right back at him.

This is something you have chosen to put up with, if you stay. There really is very little gray area here.

Emotionally disconnecting from him is going to be necessary going forward to save your own sanity. You can not control him, you are not his gov'ner. He will spontaneously slip away again. You know it. The only thing you can change is your response to it.

As ill as it sounds he was, he could very well have gone into cardiac arrest; it could have been alcohol poisioning- there was certainly a high level of toxicity in his system regardless of the source. All of this he volunteered for: it is very self-destructive. Going forward, you need to be prepared for the worst financially. Go get a life insurance policy on him today.

Good luck

It's very easy for people to say ditch him, he's a cheating bastard, go it alone.

It's easy to say these things without considering that it is a relationship being analysed, a son, a dad, a husband.

I can u derstand your reluctance to post again. It's easy to throw away relationships when you're not the one involved!!

Forgive him, look forward. Make him buy you something really nice and put it behind you! :)

The op posted for advice and she got it.
She won't be able to put it behind her as it will happen again as sure as eggs is eggs and she will be waiting for that all the time. Is that a way to live?
I did go it alone and am now remarried to someone who is a decent husband and father.

And not a drug user either
Clearly some people have spectacularly low standards.

Make him buy you something really nice and put it behind you! Christ on a fuckin bike!

Make him buy you something really nice and put it behind you!

This is the dimmest comment I've ever read on MN, or maybe the second dimmest.

Make him buy you something really nice and put it behind you

Is that advice from the Coleen Rooney school of domestic bliss??

Very good JaneEyre70!

Why did you bother giving him the ultimatum last time?

30 hours ago OP made it clear that she'd had enough "advice" and decided what she was going to do. Over 30 hours later you're all still cackling on like a rabble of headless chickens!! No wonder so many men go to the pub! Cluck, cluck, cluck.

@Domani I'm fairly sure headless chickens are incapable of making ANY noise.