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Relationships

My partner went out last night and is still not home!

478 replies

Georgie300 · 19/11/2017 09:34

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

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jemimarose · 19/11/2017 11:57

My x did this. One night he was locked up for DUI, another night stayed at friends and when I called him I could hear girls in background when I said this behaviour wasn't acceptable I too was called controlling. He has spent a small fortune on drinking and partying which we could not afford. Waiting to finalise divorce but of course I still have fears as my DSs spend 3 nights a week at his house.

Sorry you are going through this - bloody tough.

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RosaTheOwl · 19/11/2017 11:59

You talk about the effect of separation on children
My parents should have divorced
I had friends whose horrible fathers left and as little as 8 years they were relieved. Their dads acted just like a good dad in front of the kids, but kids aren't stupid, they sense what's going on
Plus it's not good to hide him being an asshole, they've got find out at some point and sometimes the later it is, the bigger the shock. At least at this age tire not disrupting exams etc

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Cabininthewoods69 · 19/11/2017 12:01

Dont put up with this you deserve more

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Missingstreetlife · 19/11/2017 12:02

I think if courts know of ongoing alcohol and drug problems they will not allow unsupervised overnight contact? Another one for a or off with their heads. It's not safe for kids

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JetCityWoman · 19/11/2017 12:05

my DCs dad did this through my pregnancy. The final straw was him going on an all night bender the night before the 20 weeks scan and him being so out of it he had no clue what was going on, fell asleep in the waiting room then had the cheek to have a go at me for not telling him we were called in.

He did acid, weed, booze and god knows what else.

I had the scan alone and dont regret 10years later.

He's still doing the same things now. These men never change and having been raised with an alcoholic parent ditching him was the best decision I did for my DC. Trust me, I was pushing my parent into the recovery position whilst they pissed themselves because of how drunk they were as early as 8 or 9. I 'left' home at 16, given no choice because mother decided to chase adulterous step father across the country leaving me with the option to either do my GCSEs or not. It was right before exams started.

You do not want this life for your kids.

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brasty · 19/11/2017 12:08

I am amazed at those saying this is not a deal breaker. If you would put up with this, then what actually would be a deal breaker?
And yes OP you were right to cancel the cards. Why should the kids have a less good xmas because their dad goes on a drink and drugs bender?

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flutterby12 · 19/11/2017 12:09

Lock him out or get the locks changed. Doesn’t deserve to be let back into the house or your relationship.

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Cabininthewoods69 · 19/11/2017 12:23

Any news yet op

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Fragglewump · 19/11/2017 12:23

Op any news yet? It’s sunday afternoon now. I think you deserve to be treated with way more respect than this.

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Mrsyorkie · 19/11/2017 12:24

Have you heard anything from him yet? Have you contacted local hospitals, police? He's so inconsiderate. The best thing you can do is get organised and get out with kids for a while. They'll be able to pick up on your stress.

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Rachie1986 · 19/11/2017 12:30

Hope he turns up x

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Georgie300 · 19/11/2017 12:32

Just to make my situation a bit clearer he’s a very up and together nice guy, extremely into his health and fitness normally. He ran the marathon last year. Not a drug addict. We don’t smoke and hardly drink. His problem is when he does drink he binges and then occasionally one thing leads to another, this only used to happen once a year or so not every weekend. And when I spoke to friends n family about it at the time, knowing what a decent person he is normally they’d say it’s his one flaw and is it really worth leaving over? And i would end up thinking the same. However I told him last time that if it happened again I’d be gone. I feel I can’t live with the worry of it happening again and don’t think I deserve to. When he has these binges he stays away til he’s sobered up and so the kids have never and would never be round him like that. My boys are lovely children, so kind and considerate, and I just can’t bear the thought of hurting them but I’d hate for them to think this is ok too. The people who he was with have their phones off too. My mum has come and collected the children now and will have them for the day. I’m at home will try to sleep until he does return. His bag is packed by the front door waiting for him.

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QueenAravisOfArchenland · 19/11/2017 12:32

I'm amazed that hardly anyone has expressed worry in this situation

That's probably because a) this specific man has form, b) there is at least one of these threads practically every single weekend, and never in living memory has the man in question been having a civilised drink and then ended up hit by a car/randomly assaulted. It is always, always drunken/drugged irresponsible fuckery, and they invariably surface by Sunday evening hungover and unrepentant.

Once would be once too often of this for me. All-night benders and staying out incommunicado is not the behaviour of an adult man with children and a wife waiting at home. It's immature, reckless, expensive, leaves the woman worrying, and she invariably has to pick up all the slack the next day because he "needs to sleep it off". How many women are out doing this and getting understanding? Letting three drinks turn into all night and all the next morning, leaving a man holding the fort and worrying and taking care of the kids all the next day while she goes to bed?

I would not be willing to live my life wondering when the next time he wouldn't come home would be. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. We have a cast-iron rule that when one of us is out they have an approximate ETA home, and they communicate if that changes. That is not. Hard.

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QueenAravisOfArchenland · 19/11/2017 12:35

Georgie, it's your life, but for me, yes, it's a big enough flaw to leave. The reckless spending and total lack of respect in hanging up on you, the constant wondering even if the actual incidents are few and far between. I would not want to live that way. I expect better for myself, and from my partner.

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Dailystuck71 · 19/11/2017 12:38

Georgie, hope you are ok. Do you think he may now not come home as he knows what the outcome may be?

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Fragglewump · 19/11/2017 12:40

My ex did this and it was awful. The first time I was frantic - even rang all the local hospitals etc. He did it when my daughter was 3 and my son a few weeks old. Out snorting coke and impressing his colleagues. I’m glad I divorced him I’m worth more than that and so are my kids!

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bringbacksideburns · 19/11/2017 12:41

When did you last hear from him?

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user1468594353 · 19/11/2017 12:44

Has he turned up yet? Wonder what his excuse will be... “oh things just got carried away”

I get it, we all need to let our hair down every now and then but this is too much! Good luck

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MistyMinge · 19/11/2017 12:45

Whilst I'd be absolutely livid, and it would probably cause a rocky patch in our marriage, I don't think I'd leave DH in this situation. If he was generally a decent, loving husband and Father then it seems extreme to do that.

If it was a regular occurrence, as in 3 or 4 times a year then that would maybe be a different matter.

I think a lot of people have drunk far more than we've intended and been easily led.
He's hardly a raging alcoholic or drug addict.

He's been an inconsiderate arsehole that deserves your wrath but imo I don't think it's a LTB situation.

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Jojopugh · 19/11/2017 12:50

Does he have a find my phone of his phone? I know this won’t tell you where he is now but maybe it will show his last location. Or is he in FB, Twitter, instagram that may give you any info on where abouts. If he is maybe you could log on to his account and have a look. Some people might not agree with this however some info is better than nothing x

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keeponworking · 19/11/2017 12:51

Not a drug addict

Yes he is.

They don't have to be doing it every day and unable to get out of bed. In fact with coke it can be highly sporadic but when it is this is the extreme behaviour that results that ALWAYS involves a TOTAL disregard for anyone else, is always extreme, it always entirely selfish, always reduces their ability to contribute positively to their family the next day (or days in your case).

Should he get pulled whilst driving in this state not only could he be done for drink driving but also driving under the influence of class A drugs. That could trigger a SS visit or the police knocking at your door to conduct a safe and well observation of the children (yes, even if they are asleep in bed they would want to go upstairs and see that they are actually alright). Then the downhill slide into the misery and the shitness of the reality you'd then find yourself in doesn't bear thinking about.

You are putting your family at risk if you STAY with him. I'd be forcing him off to counselling for drug addiction encouraged by a temporary separation. This cannot happen again.

Where would you be if he got a driving ban for 18 months. Both you and he aren't really thinking through the potential outcomes of this behaviour. He needs pulling up sharp.

I'd have bags at the door with a brief note to say that he needs to bugger off for a few days, seek drug and alcohol counselling (because he's binge drinking, however infrequently) and it is affecting you and your children - which means it's a problem.

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Mumof41987 · 19/11/2017 12:51

I hope nothing horrible has happened to him ? From what you have said he hasn't done this for ages and it seems unusual he would do it again knowing the consequences you set last time ? I hope he is ok op . If he strolls in full of apologies I'd be kicking him out immediately as there is no need a grown man should stay out getting pissed like a teenager ! It's un acceptable and you shouldn't have to deal with the stress , sleepless night worrying about him either

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TammySwansonTwo · 19/11/2017 12:53

Exactly Queen - I don't know a single woman who's done this while her kids are at home with the husband. Ever. Most mothers are too responsible and get how hard it is to be solely responsible for multiple kids.

Amazed by how low a bar some people have tbh. He's done it before. Why won't he do it again?

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Beeziekn33ze · 19/11/2017 12:54

Georgie
Glad your DM has the DC. Did you tell her how you feel?

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JeremyCorbynsBeard · 19/11/2017 12:55

Hope everything goes okay, OP.

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