My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

No he hasn’t, all their phones are off so I’m guessing they are sleeping. I last spoke to him at around 2am when we got cut off or he hung up!
His own dad did this to his mum, but it was a far more regular occurrence. That and many other issues and it ended in divorce. But that is my fear, that having boys they will think this is an appropriate way to behave if it continues! At the moment the children think I have a tummy bug and so they’ve gone to nanny’s house while I sleep. Lots went on when I was a child that I knew nothing about until I was an adult so I think it is possible, if you hold it together, to shelter children from our stress and because it’s so few and far between I’ve never felt before that staying would harm them, otherwise I would have left. But the older they get the harder it would be to hide it. I’m going to get some sleep now but since you’ve all took the time to help/ advise me I will let u know the outcome

You need to do what feels best for you and your children. You won’t be fobbed off I can tell that with how you are posting you comments. Get some rest, hopefully you will wake up a bit more clearer

Like it or not, he is your sons' main male role model. There is a point up to which you can conceal his behaviour but not for long.

I have seen this happen too many times in friends' and colleagues' relationships. I know its hard but you must realise that as they grow up and look back they will twig what was happening. That then is their model - a father who goes off on binges and spends the family money and a mother who approves it by excusing and covering up and you don't sound like this is something you would be happy with.

Seconding also PPs saying you don't have to do this regularly to be an addict. Being unable to stop once you start is a common addictive pattern, "one drink is too much, a million isn't enough".

If he can't relax or let off steam in a way which isn't damaging to the family he needs help in order to truly be a 'great dad'. When you have talked about this before what does he say?

Thank you. And no he doesn’t have Facebook, Twitter or anything like that, and he doesn’t have an iPhone. Like I said he doesn’t really have friends he spends time with, he’s normally with us when he’s not at work. I Feel really sad this has happened but you can’t fight reality.
In the nicest possible way, I’m just glad I’m not the only one who has had this happen, so thank you for sharing

My dh has gone out all night a couple of times. He used to go out 3/4 times a year and not come home until the early hours or sometimes 6/7am. Alcohol, not drugs. He’s now finally matured in his mid 40’s onwards. It took me to be chronically ill for him to finally realise he just can’t do that anymore. I didn’t mind pre D.C. But I never truly regained my health post ivf and having my dd.

I hope he’s ok. I assume he is. I really struggle to understand this total lack of control.

I've been through similar with an ex. It didn't end well.

For me a very occasional overnight bender (even, dare I say, with coke involved), is not necessarily a dealbreaker, though it would depend how frequently it was happening and what the circumstances were. I have done this in the past and although a lot of people will dispute this it is possible to do this occasionally and not be an alcoholic or drug addict (although it is possible he has problems with both). I think once a year would be about my limit with someone I had kids with, but its horses for courses.

The dealbreaker for me would be the lack of consideration for you and the lack of dignity in front of his children. He clearly knew this was on the cards. He could and should have arranged to stay at a mate's house beforehand so you could have planned for it and he could have avoided upsetting you and the children. He could have told you when he left at 7pm that it was likely to be a big one and he certainly should have levelled with you at 2am that he wasn't on his way home but that he was going to be staying at x's house and would be safe.

Responsible parents who love and respect each other can go out and tear one off from time to time -- in fact some would say its almost necessary for their sanity. What they should not do is lie to or mislead their partners about their intentions, disrupt their lives, fail to live up to their childcare duties or behave in front of their children in a way which upsets them or compromises their responsibility as a role model.

As to whether you can move past this or not OP I don't know. It does seem that he is struggling to digest this message. I would have difficulty trusting him after what is clearly a repeat occurrence.

I can't believe its nearly 12 hours since he last spoke you and he's still a no show.

Sadly you are not alone. So many posts over the years I have been on MN of men doing whatever the fuck they want, safe in the knowledge that their partners aren't going to abandon their children and disappear. Can you imagine a woman doing this?

When my X didn't come home I took boys out for a drive, pretending we were going to shops when on reality I was looking for X. Didn't know that he'd been locked up for the night. He had messaged me at 8pm saying he was on way home with fish and chips. Some 12 hours later he called to say sorry. Court gave him 18 month ban - meant he could drink even more.

He's fucking someone else. Nobody needs to go missing overnight, and certainly not for two nights. There is literally no other reason for this.

Cmon, what grown, adult man chooses to doss down for the night on a friend's uncomfortable sofa or even more uncomfortable floor, when he has a nice comfy bed at home to go to?
There is likely only one reason he's staying overnight at a 'friends'.
Wake up OP.

He's fucking someone else. Nobody needs to go missing overnight, and certainly not for two nights. There is literally no other reason for this.

Meant to say.
I agree with the above.
I know it's not what you want to hear.

The kind of man who knows his wife is going to be rightly livid, probably

Hopefully that's the reason, Tammy.
But I get that could be the excuse he conveniently hides behind.

OP ''Why didn't you come home''?
H ''I knew you would be livid because I was drunk''
Reality ''I was with someone else What the heck, I'm going to go with the 'I was drunk and was scared to come home' as an excuse. After all, it's worked before.

"He's fucking someone else. Nobody needs to go missing overnight, and certainly not for two nights. There is literally no other reason for this" and "C'mon, what grown, adult man chooses to doss down for the night on a friend's uncomfortable sofa or even more uncomfortable floor, when he has a nice comfy bed at home to go to?"

Because he's off his head on coke - Jesus!!

Do you know how people behave on cocaine or what it does to them? It often causes the bowels to open so they go for a shit, they don't care about how clean or unclean they are, they don't care where they end up or in what state - because they a off their tits on cocaine!

I'm not ruling out there being another woman but in my 'D'XBF's case, his coke binges involved no one but himself and the drugs - because people who use these drugs are inherently self centred.

These may be a series of 'one-offs' (which they clearly aren't, however sporadic, there is clearly a pattern) - is OP feeling repercussions from them right now? Yes she is. Does it raise questions about her partner and their relationship that will last long after today? Yes.

Please, do not underestimate the very significant effect such 'one-offs' have or just HOW significant the drug aspect is.

I don't always or even usually think another woman is involved, but I frankly think that either way it's behaviour totally incompatible with married fatherhood, so what difference does it make.

Boggles my mind how so many people seem to maintain the sharpest, brightest line when it comes to sexual behaviour, at least for other people's marriages, but excuse endless, endless irresponsibility and disrespect in other domains.

I assume OP has phoned around hospitals and the police Stations. I don't see any mention of it

I also think if you have studied the effects that separation has on children (and I’d suggest you reinvestigate that as the evidence isn’t clear cut), that you read about the effects of an unreliable flaky parent. You can’t protect them from this much longer.

OP, do you know where the possible sofas that he could be sleeping on, or his friends, live? Could you go round?

Op has made it clear she's not going to leave him no matter how much of a useless fucking twat he is, so he has no reason not to come home coked up and covered in shit. Certainly cokeheads are shameless about it. The only thing keeping him out is the thing he can't have you meeting - another woman.

Just a thought - what if something had happened to you or the children overnight? Burst appendix, fire, anything gob forbid - and he's not been in contact with you for 12 hours to check if you are alive or dead. Never mind the worry you've had and no sleep. However occasional, those are not the actions of a responsible father or partner.

You have to put yourself and the children first. The first time a man did that to me would also be the last. I'm sorry you're going through this again.

I know OP it is hard to leave a partner when you have kids. But you really do deserve better than this. He is not going to change, but I think you already know that. Do you really want this to be your life?

Sorry you're going through this OP, I had an ex that used to ghost me like this and I don't miss it in the slightest.

She has packed his stuff and its waiting for him at the door while she sleeps. She needs to get rest, but how this will pan out depends on how they discuss these events and maybe separate for awhile so she has time to think things through and him to figure out what his actions mean and the impact it has on his family. This behaviour would be a deal breaker for me, dh knows that any type of drugs used and we are through, same with any form of abuse. As forgiving as one can be, when children are involved, they come first.

It sounds to me like he needs a more regular outlet- as we all do and as you do if you’re not getting it- so that when he does go out once a year or whatever he doesn’t get leathered and take a load of drugs.

Whether you decide to leave him over this is totally up to you. Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship. Whatever you decide to do, you absolutely must not let him return without consequences. A big argument where you have to tell him again why this is unacceptable and him saying sorry is not going to be enough. He will tread carefully until the dust settles, all the while knowing that he can get away with this, after all you told him before that if he did it again you would be done, but he will now know that that was an empty threat. I would at least have him leave the house and stay elsewhere until he has had time to think about his actions, however long that takes.

Perhaps this is a good time to start planning for a future without him. Open your own bank account so you have money separate from him. Can you work part-time? Playing the long-game might be the best course of action, and you will be ready if this happens again.