My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

[Mrskeats]

he’s a great dad
Err no he’s not. He’s teaching your children that this is how to behave.
I wouldn’t have forgiven the first time. And drugs too? Not a chance

[rollingonariver]

I’m not saying definitely LTB straight away but go to a friend’s house with the kids and let him stew. Make him think that’s it. There needs to be consequences or he’ll keep doing it.
Btw I transfer an agreed amount into an account we don’t use when DP goes out so he doesn’t spend too much. Maybe that could be a solution and he leaves all other cards at home? I do the same for myself before anyone says I’m controlling, we decide together !

[RagingFemininist]

That’s ok Cat because you would also have known that by behaving that way, you had crossed boundaries that your partner had clearly expresses. And you would know that this would be a LTB situation that YOU had created by behaving that way.....
So you wouod know that you had very little chance to be allowed to stay in the house any more anyway....

You wwould have made your choice more than 12 hours before.....

[DoctorTwo]

Well done on cancelling the cards, I fully understand why you did that. I hope he's home soon with his tail between his legs.

[W0rriedMum]

I think I would call his mother round and get her inside. It seems like she's an ally of she put an end to the last session?
He has a drink and drug problem and this could escalate beyond benders. I would be rasar focused on that if I were to allow him to stay.

[Georgie300]

I just see that money as the kids especially this time of year. Not everyone around hims to have a great time. He can still get Home there’s cash in the house to pay for a taxi, he knows that.
I know once I turn up at my mums or ring his mums everyone’s involved. Im struggling to keep it together as it is the later it gets but need to for the kids! I’ll just break down if I call anyone. That’s the only reason I’ve ever put up with it, the children. Believe me I’d be gone otherwise!
He’s usually in so much of a state that I don’t worry about women being involved but obviously that’s at the back of my mind too! He usually gives me his phone to go through if I question him about that after a night out. But of course that’s still a horrible possibility. Not one I want to think too much about it I’m honest.
He has his wallet on him so surely I would have heard if he was in hospital or something?

[MsGameandWatching]

I just see that money as the kids especially this time of year.

It is. Your kids are lucky to have at least one of their parents realising it.

[rollingonariver]

I didn’t say this before but I hope you’re okay op. It must be horrible not knowing :(

[Dailystuck71]

I think it’s eSy for us to say cancelling the cards was a bad idea however, you know him and to me it sounds like you’ve done the right thing, particularly with cash in the house so he can get a taxi.

[AtSea1979]

So he's a Coke head, staying out all night, spending all the family money. Is he fuck a brilliant dad. He's a dick head and I can't believe how many people would put up with this shit.
I'd be long gone by the time he got back and I wouldn't give him the time to explain himself. Once every two years would be once too often. What did you agree two years ago? That he could do it every few years or that he was never to do it again? If it's the latter then why even ask? Just pack his stuff and put it out on the lawn, change the locks and go out for the day, ask a friend to stay over.

[RainyApril]

I’m surprised at how many people think this is ok. Agreeing to go out all night, or phoning to say you’re crashing at a friend’s house, is one thing. But hanging up on your worried wife at 2am with no word since is another.

To those saying that op is overreacting because he hasn’t done it in ages : don’t you think she’s really worried that this old, dealbreaking behaviour might be resurfacing? From past experience he is well aware of the ramifications of his choices. At whatever point he thought ‘fuck it’ he knew that there would be consequences and didn’t care.

Op, my priority would be making sure he’s safe before sending him a clear signal that this won’t be tolerated.

[twattymctwatterson]

He’s not a brilliant dad if he’s happy to put the kids’ Christmas gift money up his nose. Honestly I’d end the marriage. He’s never going to change

[TheHandmaidsTail]

You are epic for cancelling is cards, well done you.

I had an ex who did this sort of shit, and it's awful. Thankfully I didn't have DC with him, so I really feel for you.

Do you know who he went out with? Get a message to them that he's not coming home and he needs to make alternative arrangements. And he can't book a hotel as his cards have been cancelled?

[Bluetrews25]

Sounds like this is far from being a one-off and there are plenty of other things going on that make you want to leave. Can you imagine a life without all this uncertainty and worry? Only you can make it happen
Good luck, OP

[HelloSquirrels]

Perhaps he didn't want to come home pissed/stoned whatever and is sleeping it off at a friend's house or hotel. I'd call that being considerate

Are you being serious? Considerate? You need to think about raising your standards

[Jojopugh]

Have you tried to call his phone since 2am Georgie?

[BewareOfDragons]

Good dads don't behave like this. Sorry, but they don't. He is their role model in life ... is this how you want them to behave? Is this how you want them to treat their future partners? Do you want your kids to do drugs when they grow up? And drink until they're completely out of their heads and spending all their money?

Good on you for cancelling his cards. I'd call his mum and tell him she'll be having her son back while you figure out if the marriage can survive. Then call him and tell him to just go to his mum's. You're done. You'll have his things sent over.

[Jaxhog]

This is unacceptable. Staying away overnight drunk is one thing. Not calling to say where he is is quite another. Cancelling his bank cards is an excellent move btw! I hope you double locked the front door too.

It may be unlikely, but have you considered that he might have had an accident? I'd be calling the police if he isn't back or in contact by lunchtime.

[QuopQuop]

I'm amazed that hardly anyone has expressed worry in this situation?

I would be ringing hospitals and police stations and completely beside my self with worry in this situation.

[Georgie300]

I knew when I put ‘he’s a great dad’ someone would say these are not the actions of a great dad, and your totally right. But I mean in Day to day life (when he’s not on these coke benders!) the kids are the centre of his world he wants them with us wherever we go, he doesn’t really have friends, doesn’t want any, as all his time outside of work is spent with us. He takes them out with or without me and loves their company. Or he’ll just spend hours with them playing at home. The kids know how much he loves them n so the idealise him too. I know a good dad wouldn’t do this but once drugs are involved he doesn’t think like a dad.
I’ll probably get criticised for saying this too but I also think Ive done a good job of sheltering them from it. Right now they are none the wiser. When it happened before they were a lot younger, 6 and 2 but they didn’t know then. They thought they were staying at nanny’s while work was done on the house. But obviously if I make him leave they will know, especially my eldest. I studied family psychology at university and I know the effects of separation on the children and that scares me, but at the same time I didn’t cause this...

[ToffeeUp]

Cancelling the cards was the right thing to do, at least your children have one responsible parent. Do talk to your and his parents and get some support.

And he is NOT a great dad.

[liquidrevolution]

FWIW He is not a brilliant dad. You really need to start realising this.

[Georgie300]

His phone is still off. I’m trying to get a number of the person he went out with but chances are they are all asleep

[FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats]

Only thing is he will probably still get tic for the coke and pay it next week. But if he goes to get cash out and realises the cards are cancelled it will give him a wake up call to how angry you must be.

I couldn't be arsed with this been there and wore the T-shirt. He's shown he won't change.

[Cockmagic]

Sorry op but I think he may be with a other woman...