My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

[LovingLola]

You cancelled his bank card??? Really???

[DerelictWreck]

You cancelled his bank cards?! Well what if he's stuck somewhere and can't get home because has no money? What an OTT and irresponsible thing to do.

[Acrosstheuniverse123]

I'm another who just cannot understand why you are even considering forgiving him. I would have left the first time he did it and that would be that. It's completely unacceptable.

[Bluntness100]

You cancelled his bank cards??? That’s terrible. I really hope you didn’t do that. That’s well over the line.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Georgie

re your comment:-

"But leaving means splitting the family up, and the boys love their dad, and he is a brilliant dad"

No he is not a brilliant dad if he treats you like this. What sort of an example is he also to these young people?. What respect has he shown you here, none at all.

Women in poor relationships often write such when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man. He has brought about a potential separation here by his actions and poor choices.

Children love parents anyway no matter how rubbish or selfish they actually are so that argument does not wash either.

What do you get out of this relationship now, there's a question you should be asking yourself seriously. Your children are also learning about relationships from the two of you; is this really the model you want to be showing them?.

[Jojopugh]

How is she irresponsible when he is the one out all night and still now. Cancelling his bank card... what if he has had them pinched? When he gets home if he is in a taxi he can run into the house and get some money then. The irresponsible one is himself. No battery or turning phone off, no phone calls since...

[DrBlackbird]

My dad did this to my mother. When he came back from being gone on 24 hour drinking binge, she walked out saying 'it's your turn now'. Left him with the 3 kids while she went to a friend's house. In that case, he was shocked enough not to do it again and were really happily married for 49 years. He did say it took a long time for her to 'train him'... Obviously you can't leave your children with a completely pissed father. Could go out with all 3 kids to a friend's for You have my sympathy. It's not easy.

[Georgie300]

Thanks everyone. I cancelled the bank cards as last time it happened when I left, he’d spent over £500! He’ll buy the whole place a drink once he’s started, and yes, as has been mentioned it’s not just alcohol involved, no one could stay awake that long on alcohol alone!
The kids think he’s at work as it’s not unusual for him to have to go in on a Sunday. I still haven’t heard and getting more nervous about him coming back and the kids seeing him. My eldest is 8 now so he’d know he wasn’t right. I’m trying to get out the house but the lack of sleep n stress has made me physically sick all morning so none of us are dressed yet.
Still haven’t heard anything. Maybe i should be worried but I’ve wasted so much time before worrying while he’s out having a great time. So awkward when u have children as I want to protect them from it but also just want to tell him to leave the second he comes in

[PrimeraVez]

I feel your pain, I honestly do (DH had his twattish moments PRE - dc) but cancelling his cards was a really weird thing to do. What happens if he needs money to get home? And how do you have the authority to do that anyway?!

[splatattack]

My first thought to all this is that I hope he is ok? I would be sick with worry rather that getting angry? Even if he had done it before...

[FaFoutis]

Cancelling the bank cards is a horrible thing to do.
What he has done to you is bad, but you could have put him in a dangerous situation.

It sounds like he needs to get away sometimes, (don't we all?), so arranging these nights away in advance would obviously be a better option.

[knaffedoff]

I hope he turns up safe soon to stop you worrying x

[DrBlackbird]

Oops, that last sentence cut in half... was saying you could try going out now to a friend's with all 3 kids for the day/night. Let him come home to an empty house without a word about where you/the kids are to see how he likes it. Might shake him up. As long as he's not the type to go vindictive and lock you out!

[Beeziekn33ze]

Hopefully he'll be back or at least in contact soon. Assuming he's not in hospital or a cell let him sleep it off. When he's back to something approaching normal tell him how you feel. If you both to continue with the relationship he needs counselling. Presumably he's 30+ and acting like a teenager. He needs to get his drinking under control, preferably give it up.
Have you contacted his mother? She, knowing him, should have better advice than most of us!

[Jojopugh]

It’s a joint account therefore her money too. £500 is food on the table for a month that’s potentially been spent on booze and drugs. 🙈

[runwalkrun]

When he’s done it before he’s always ended up back at either (a much younger!) workmates or friends flat where they carry on drinking or whatever else. Never girls involved.

Are you absolutely, 100%, positively sure about that?
Just because he's told you the above doesn't make it true.

Teenagers havs sleepovers.
An adult man usuallyvstays out overnight for one reason.

[CheckpointCharlie2]

He's an arsehole. Not acceptable behaviour.

Not sure what decision I'd make in your shoes but I don't think it's outrageous for you to consider LTB.

[rollingonariver]

Absolutely do not understand why anyone would say this is okay? Especially as it’s not a one off?
Op he has a blatant disrespect for you if he can do this, he’s just assuming that you’ll look after his three kids alone while he pisses about god knows where, doing god knows what. If you went out and spent £500 and stayed out all night without letting him know what would happen? People would definitely be saying you’re an awful mum and you abandoned your children etc so why is it different for him?
I wouldn’t be there when he gets back.

[RosaTheOwl]

Cancelling the cards was the right thing to do
He will have to ring if he's not got cash to get home
You can't have him snorting £500 of shared money etc

[WindowWiper]

I cancelled the bank cards as last time it happened when I left, he’d spent over £500 !

I think it was the sensible thing to do, OP - someone has to
be the adult and protect the family’s interests.
So what if he needs money to get home, let him ask his campmates
for a loan or actually phone his wife.

[TattyCat]

If I'd gone for a night out and then found my cards cancelled, I wouldn't be coming home either!! That's outrageous.

[Chrys2017]

So the guy went out one in the past two years and probably drank too much... and you want to leave him over it?

Perhaps he didn't want to come home pissed/stoned whatever and is sleeping it off at a friend's house or hotel. I'd call that being considerate.

[Chrys2017]

once

[buttwingsham]

So basically he's gone out got drunk and got on the coke for an all night bender.
Everyone has different levels of what's acceptable. I would wait till he gets home (feeling like death with the fear) and get the full story. I would ask him to go and stay with his mum for a couple of days so you can have a think in peace. If he says no tell him you will tell her what he's been up to.

[MsGameandWatching]

Cancelling bank cards would be awful if this was an otherwise reasonable person who wasn’t in the habit of spending half a grand on drink and drugs. Most of you criticising probably don’t have experience of a person like that. I do. That’s family money, food, housing, heating. I got up and went and emptied the joint bank account in the early hours one morning to prevent all the family money being spent by such a person. I don’t blame you OP.