My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

Read the whole thread in one go and it makes for sad reading.

A summary seems to be your husband occasionally goes out on all night drinking and coke benders and remains uncontactable throughout them. Spending at times £500.

This weekend he went out and didnt come home and was uncontactable. Turns out it was a drinking bender followed by him smoking illegal drugs. Then he was sick.

Poor love obviously had his night ruined by begin sick. And from all this you've come to realise youre controlling.

I guess you do have to work out where the balance is and im guessing your lifestyle is of a standard that you dont wish to lower through divorce? And so you will put up with this. I guess everyone has their line set at different points.

Telling you he is on his way home and then going incommunicado for 2 days really shows you how much he loves you and his family, doesn't it?

Damnnnn

He's got you in the position of his mum. Policing his behaviour, telling him he's not going to his xmas do, meting out punishment. I mean, quite rightly in a sense, he sounds useless. But the fact this is coming from you and not him doesn't instil hope he will change or see what's wrong about what he's done. If I had a partner who kept me awake sick with worry for such a long time and then came up with a crappy story instead of told the truth I'd be gone. That's seriously disgusting he put you through that.

Nokias take forever to die, and why would he go out without it being charged if it was almost dead already? I don't buy three grown adults all neither use Facebook OR know about the messenger feature, unless you're on the moon you know that you communicate via Facebook. If I were him then rather than keep my partner up worrying all night I'd have set up an account, it takes a second! And found and messaged partner. The fact he didn't even bother to do that in all of those hours is shocking!

And he apparently has few friends he sees, yet enough close friends to go on a bender with and crash at their home where they're happy to have a vomiting hungover man on their sofa for TWO nights?

People lie for their friends. There's every chance a story has been whipped up to cover his arse. Ahh man it's awful he's got you swallow his BS, I'm so sorry. I know it's harder to acknowledge the painful truth than it is to just accept the pleasant lie as you'd have to deal with the consequences then. He's put the word 'mug' on your forehead and it'll happen again.

I hate to say this but I think you should get an STI check. No decent family man goes on a massive bender like that and leaves his partner sick with worry at home with the kids and risks her wrath unless there's something REALLY compelling to stay out for. Sorry you're going through this but you need to wise up a bit, he's feeding you nonsense.

hellsbellsmelons

OMG people!!!
Perspective!
It's the 1st time in TWO YEARS!!!!!!
Jeez.

Really? It's OK to tell your wife you're on the way home in the early hours of the morning and then just drop out if contact for that length of time? As a family man he has responsibilities to his wife and children. If he knows he is someone who cannot drink (or whatever) that amount without this sort of thing happening, who has previously spent over £500 of family money because he was too drunk to stop himself, then he has a responsibility to make sure he doesn't get into that situation again. Good grief, I'm glad that my DC hasn't felt a need to do this during our marriage. My nerves wouldn't have stood it and neither would our marriage.

Ok I think the op hears you all LOUD AND CLEAR!
let’s focus on our own relationships now and leave her to it! X

Classic Mumsnet, someone ask for people's opinion, they don't like the answer and then get arsey and have a strop

Why do people keep going on about “missing for two nights, “no communication for two days etc?

Learn to read people. There was less than 24 hours between the two bits of contact and she knew he wasn’t coming home the second night.

Some of youblot should get jobs turning molehills into mountains.

I agree OP - there are some nasty people on here - armchair stalkers who will take pleasure in winding up genuine people who just want a bit of support. Some of the “advice” is insane/ott. Go with your instincts. That being said - he has been a total cock.

Sadly I’m starting to doubt threads like this. They always get hundreds of replies and people really worked up with some depressingly unrealistic outcomes...I don’t understand how 1 minute it is ‘bag is packed by the door. I won’t let me kids be around this’ and ‘I’m controlling and he’s a fantastic dad who never does anything wrong and I’m just going to tighten the leash so he can’t do anything but that’s my own fault for being controlling’

It just doesn’t seem like a normal change of heart

Oh dear OP

I feel sorry for your kids

Marriage is not easy especially if you have children...no one really knows what goes on between four walls apart from the couple themselves. I wish you and your family all the very best and hope you work things through together....if you really love each other then you will both put in the effort to ensure a compromise on this situation. Communication is the key to any relationship and that sometimes is where we all as human beings fall down. Keep talking and good luck

Ok I think the op hears you all LOUD AND CLEAR!
let’s focus on our own relationships now and leave her to it! X

Thank you help1978 I needed someone to say that.
I’ve asked for this post and my account to be removed as I haven’t found this a pleasant experience like I did the last time I posted. I just wanted to vent really and get some constructive advice. However some people have been really supportive and concerned so I thank you for those posts, they really helped. I’ve asked it to be removed as There are some very inaccurate posts and it’s frustrating I haven’t got the time to keep putting the record straight! Although I didn’t post yesterday I had spoke to him so it wasn’t 2 nights of no contact it was yesterday morning. He wanted to come home I told him not to.
I’m definitely not blaming myself! It’s all his fault!! But I’m just saying I’m not perfect, no one is.
This isn’t happening all the time, it used to happen, before we had kids. He did go on a weekend bender when we had kids and So i left. Im still gutted that happened and it’s a case of forgive but not forget! Apart from this tho we have had a happy relationship the rest of the time is all I’m saying, no cheating, lies, gambling, hiding debt or any of the other horror stories I hear about. We’ve had some amazing times together and he’s got me through tough times and been my rock believe me! He’s not all bad. However As it stands he’s gone and I’m leaving him to sweat. What I do Next I’m not even sure yet I’m still fuming he didn’t come home! But I don’t know what people here expect me to do? I spoke to everyone involved and him, are you saying I should just disregard this and assume they are all lying and make up my own account of what happened? Assume he’s cheated even tho that’s not even been mentioned and he was being sick everywhere? Leave him just incase?! I haven’t had a change of heart, I’m still angry but I do have a bit of an explanation now where as yesterday morning I knew nothing and thought he was having the time of his life! Not what I now know was going on. I picked him up to check the story out and see for myself and he had been very, very, very ill!! Trust me. I’m glad it wasn’t here all over my house and sofa!!
He’s not perfect, our relationship isn’t perfect but is anyone’s? But as I say next time I will speak to my nearest and dearest only about any concerns I have and they can give me some honest advice knowing the full story, and knowing us as ppl. But if my own mother (and we all know how protective we are!) is saying this isn’t worth leaving over then I don’t think any one on here needs to worry. But thank you

I think the issue here isn't the going out and getting wasted - I have no problem with that, it's happened to us all.

The problem is the lack of communication, imo. Would he have gone off the radar if it was his parents that were looking after the kids? I'd bet money that he wouldn't. It's the lack of RESPECT, not bothering to tell you where he was or what he was doing. That's the part that pisses me off.

I hope he buys you an extra special Christmas present and make him grovel to the person who had to clean up his mess.
It's so easy to throw your loved ones to the side when you have had too much to drink as you don't look at the consequences, my husband gets into a right mess when he goes out drinking but like your DH he does not go out often so even if I get annoyed and angry at him I know I can make his hangover worse.

Good luck OP. I wish you and your children all the best.

I'm with you OP. I've got a really close friend who's DH is like this - lovely guy, amazing with his kids, has his own business but still does his share of housework (unlike mine!) etc etc but every couple of years just seems to lose it and go on a massive bender.

His kids are well adjusted, do well at school/college, love both parents, but they know he's not perfect and that's OK, because human beings are imperfect creatures. Frankly I'd rather they knew that than that they sit in judgement on people without meeting them.

My friend has kicked him out for this a couple of times over the 20 or so years they've been together, but they always make up because ultimately they do really love each other.

So I understand where you're coming from.

Well I'm no angel and I've certainly had times (maybe only a couple) where I've had to stay in bed and leave ExH (many moons ago) to look after DD!
It did happen.
Not a lot, but I used to be rubbish at drinking and used to suffer terrible hangovers.
Funnily enough - once I split with the Ex it was far better.

I have read and followed this thread from the start but didn't reply as didn't have anything else to say that others hadn't already posted.

I do now want to say that I wish you luck and hope your family have a lovely xmas.

I know everything is great for you now and your are happy with your DH explanation. I understand that what I'm going to say next you will scoff at but if you ever do feel the need to get support/help/shoulder to cry on there are always people ready to help you. Please don't ever feel that you are alone with nowhere to turn as that just isn't the case.

You told him if he did it again you'd leave. He has. Regardless of why and what. You have backtracked. He will know that he can do it again. And he will. Maybe in another year or two or three.

In the meantime you will be waiting for it to happen. No way to live.

You’ve done the right thing but stepping away from this thread otherwise you’ll want to throw yourself off a cliff

Good luck for the future. You don’t need to justify your relationship to strangers! X

I would be checking his phone to see if the battery really had died. I thoughts Nokia batteries lasted about 10 years?

Good luck OP.
You'll need it.

Good luck to you and your children.

I’ve no interest in your DP. I hope you leave him next time.

I hope your ok. Im glad your not leaving your marriage. To many divorces and not working at things. Im now going to work at my marriage to after a rough weekend. Fair play x

If he’s not dead then he’s a disrespectful knob.

I can’t believe how horrible people are being to the OP on here.

You should tell him to fuck off but I would imagine you’d feel that’s a difficult decision.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you to have cancelled his cards. He sounds like a childish idiot. I’d be worried about the cards too.

I had a boyfriend like this. It took me two years to summon the self esteem and confidence to dump him.

Yes it might be a one off but it’s a really awful way for him to treat you and it’s not the first time he’s done it.

Whatever you decide to do people shouldn’t judge you. I hope it all works out.