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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner went out last night and is still not home!

478 replies

Georgie300 · 19/11/2017 09:34

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 20/11/2017 11:22

Glad it's resolved for now OP.
One blow out in 2 years.....!!???
Seems OK to me.
If Coke was involved I'm not sure I could handle that though.
Have a peaceful Christmas

BackInTheRoom · 20/11/2017 11:26

he won’t be going out drinking again, he couldn’t face it even if he wanted too.

Uh but he did it the time before and he did it this time?

OP, have you heard of Cognitive Dissonance? Go look it up because I think this is going on right now, with you and this situation.

gingergenius · 20/11/2017 11:26

I thought he’d spent £500 when you gavelled his cards? Not £80?

Odd
Confused

nibora · 20/11/2017 11:27

I don't think your problems are that bad OP, compared to many on here.

You are sounding like someone dealing with a naughty teenager though.

Kardashianlove · 20/11/2017 11:29

Sorry if the thread has upset you and you don't feel supported.

I do think his story is plausible.

Only you can decide what you will put up with. Do you honestly think that this won't happen again though? I think no matter what you do/say to him/whether you throw him out for a week/a month whatever, he WILL keep doing this. So in another 2years/5 years, you will find yourself in this position, up all night worrying, trying to protect your children, telling them lies so they don't find out, etc. Having to deal with all the hurt and anger.

If you are prepared to put up with this then that is your decision. If it's his one 'flaw' and you feel all his other good qualities are worth it then that's a choice you make.

Many people wouldn't want to tolerate this but everyone has their own boundaries.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/11/2017 11:30

Ginger

Not odd at all if you RTFT. The £500 was a different occasion.

Frequency · 20/11/2017 11:31

The drinking and weed would not bother me at all, especially as you've stated it's a rare occurrence.

What would worry me is that he so little concern for you, he did nothing to try and get in touch with you to let you know he was safe. He left you at home worrying about him.

I've been ill from drink. I'm single so there's no man to contact but if I was too ill to come home, I'd do everything I could to let my kids know, if that meant phoning my mum and admitting what a plonker I'd been to get a message to my kids, that's what I'd do.

As I said, he could've asked someone to go to the shop to buy him a charger. He could've emailed. He could've phoned his mum/Bob next door or anyone else whose phone number he did have to pass a message on. There are a myriad of actions he could've taken to ensure you weren't worried about him. He did none of them.

I can't imagine deliberately putting someone I loved through that. I'm finding it hard to believe he's a good a man as you're telling he is.

That's not to say you should leave him. If your relationship is otherwise okay, leaving is extreme but you do need to explore why he didn't care about your feelings enough to get in touch because his excuses so far are woeful.

TheDodgyEnd · 20/11/2017 11:32

OP I think that’s a bit unfair. I for one wrote my posts, not for a juicy update or gossip but to try and help you.

I agree with what Flowerpot said.

Olivetappas · 20/11/2017 11:34

No drugs you said they were smoking joints ?
You came on here for advise then attack people who tell you he is taking the piss
When quit frankly he is and has done.
He is a grown man and you have to cancel his bank cards on a night out
He is grown man who doesn't know when to stop drinking, when to go home or have the decency to contact you when he can't make it home.
He is a grown man who you say will not be going out again. It's all quit bizarre tbh and it's no wonder he does the things he does cos he clearly knows he can and will get away with it!

I'm not saying you should leave him nor am I saying he shouldn't have a social life but the lack of respect for you is not fair and the fact u put up with it then attack ppl who have tried to give you some support is wrong.

I think he will always do these things because you allow it then defend him

So until the next the time Wine

ChickenMom · 20/11/2017 11:35

When you came on here for advice you were really upset and angry. You felt let down and violated. You were angry enough to cancel his bank cards because of what’s happened in the past. Now it’s ok? Why? What’s different? I think you need to look at yourself and why you are tolerating this and now justifying it. Aren’t you embarrassed? And who the hell is this woman cleaning up his puke?? That’s enabling if it’s true? Would you clean up a strangers puke? I know I wouldn’t! They’d be handed towels etc and made to do it themselves! The whole story is weird and uncomfortable. Good luck to you if you choose to enable him further - the next time it happens your kids will be older and understand more and it will be even more difficult to leave. In the meantime I suggest you get all your ducks in a row financially so you can leave the next time this happens...which it will

TheDodgyEnd · 20/11/2017 11:36

Also I would make sure in future that you don’t make thread you won’t keep...you told him if it happened again you’d be gone. He did it again and now you’re saying everything’s fine. Just be aware that he will now know that your threats are empty and the doors are wide open for him to continue.

TheDodgyEnd · 20/11/2017 11:36

Threats not thread

mamahanji · 20/11/2017 11:41

Smoking joints is doing drugs...you’re doing exactly what I used to do and that is burying your real thoughts and feelings and your head in the sand. How you felt last night was real. This current ‘we are fine. He won’t do it again’ isn’t real. It’s you refusing to see the problems because it’s easier to pretend he really is a family man with the occasional dirty binge that drops of the radar and leaves you with the children while he can go out and act like a waster.

Not to mention the amount of times you have spoke to him about this and he has promised not to do it again and he still is. Why is this time different?! It isn’t because he knows you will carry on letting him do whatever he wants and you’ll just shut up and take it.

If you don’t think you deserve better... at least your kids do!

Kardashianlove · 20/11/2017 11:52

I think you need to look at yourself and why you are tolerating this and now justifying it.

Agree with this.

The drinking and weed wouldn't bother me, nor would the staying out if it was infrequent. What would bother me is the complete disrespect of just not coming home and not telling me. Continuing to do it when I had asked not to would be a deal breaker for me.

Pretending I was ill to my kids so they had to go somewhere else in order for me to cope/deal with the situation would be an absoloute deal breaker too.

He shouldn't put you in the position of having to lie to your own kids in order to protect them. Having that happen once is not ok, it's not normal and it's not a good father who does this over and over againSad

mogulfield · 20/11/2017 11:57

@yehaa, I don’t know any mums who would go out for the evening and then not even inform the father of their children they won’t be back the entire next day. I’m not saying I don’t go out, I enjoy a good night out. But let my DH know when Il be home! Often mums don’t have the choice to do this, as it is assumed they’ll care for the children and it stinks.
What if she had something planned that day? It’s a big fuck you from him.

JaneEyre70 · 20/11/2017 11:59

My DH can drive me potty at times but I don't think I've ever appreciated him more after reading this thread. Best of luck OP, I sadly think you are going to need every ounce of it with this man in your life but that's totally your choice.

TammySwansonTwo · 20/11/2017 12:03

From experience, I can tell you how this will go...

You'll tell him he's banned from going out if he can't behave responsibly.
He will agree to keep you onside but will become resentful of this.
He will start making excuses about needing to go out (business meeting perhaps) and lie to you about what he's doing and where, since he knows how you'll react.
He will tell his mates his other half "won't let him come out"
When he eventually does go out, you'll spend the entire time worrying about the state he's in, whether he will come home, what he will be like if he does, etc.
Then you'll be represented as nagging or controlling, as some posters here have already done! You cancelled his cards so yes, he only spent £80 - what would have happened if you hadn't? You did that for good reason, don't start doubting your reaction now.

I think this is salvageable OP but you really need to get to the bottom of why he feels the need to behave like a teenager, why he can't control himself and drink in moderation, why he isn't considerate enough even to notify you of his whereabouts for almost 24 hours, why he's happy to just assume you can manage 3 kids including a baby on our own for an entire weekend. It's just so disrespectful and brushing it under the carpet won't help resolve this as at some point he will need to go out again! Like I say, my husband went through a phase like before we had kids - now he wouldn't dream of it.

Don't let yourself become the bad guy here. You deserve to be treated with more respect than this whether it's every two weeks or every two years. The kids are just as much his responsibility as yours.

Oh, and I hope you've planned a lovely weekend to yourself next weekend? He owes you one I think!

GerrytheBerry · 20/11/2017 12:11

I don't really know why you posted for advice or whatever if you are perfectly happy with the fact he shits on you whenever he feels like it no matter how rare it is.
Getting off your face, taking any kind of drugs, and disappearing without contact is definitely NOT the behaviour of a good family man.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/11/2017 12:12

OMG people!!!
Perspective!
It's the 1st time in TWO YEARS!!!!!!
Jeez.

MuseumOfCurry · 20/11/2017 12:14

hellsbells it's entirely normal to go the entire course of a marriage without disappearing for two days without contact. I don't think anyone on this thread is scandalised by a random, isolated bender.

GrumpyOldBag · 20/11/2017 12:16

OP I am glad that the situation is resolved to your satisfaction.

Flowers in case he does not have the nous to buy them for you after what he put you through.

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/11/2017 12:20

Coke.

Nobody drinks 'all night' without coke. As I'm sure you already know OP.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/11/2017 12:23

HellsBells

I have managed to go my whole life (40mumble years so far) without doing this. Would it be ok for me to fuck off this weekend for 2 days and not contact my husband or kids? Seems I am owed a few!

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 20/11/2017 12:36

I believe his story completely. My sister went camping a couple of months ago and drank two cans and shared a joint with some one. Ten mins later she threw up and continued to the whole night everytime she moved and her head was spinning until the next afternoon as she isn't use to it.

What I will say op tho is, yes coke does sober you up but it doesn't stop you being sick and ill with a hangover the next day.

Missingstreetlife · 20/11/2017 12:43

If you have to police his behaviour it is codependent Alanon will help you. Doesn't have to be often cos it can be anytime.
He has a pattern, you are involved, it will keep happening. Aa may help him
Not saying you should leave, but you should get help, or alateen for the kids later.
Been there, good luck

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