My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

I really don't get this whole thing. The guy likes to occasionally go out and go on a bender. He hasn't done this for 'a couple of years' (so it's not every weekend, or even every year).
Why did he not say before he went out that he might stay at a friends' place? Why would someone ring the hospitals when they know he's absolutely fine out enjoying himself.
Why did he not come home from the friends' flat even if he felt unwell? Unless it's more than an hour in a taxi, would he not prefer to be sick in his own bed? Have these other people not got a car they could have driven him home. Could he not have rung his parents etc to come and collect him?
The truth is he was still on the coke bender, and/or had been on the coke bender but got a massive dose of 'the fear' and was afraid to leave the company of the other coke users and return to normal life.
In future he should - tell you in advance he won't be home. And should only take a certain amount of cash out with him, and no cards.
If this is all there is to it I certainly wouldn't be leaving someone for that, unless there is another story we don't know about.

OK. This is getting even worse. OP, I am surprised at your upbeat, believing update.

I sometimes join my partner for a quick drink when he's out with his male friends, who all have wives and children. Sometimes the wives join them too, sometimes they can't make it. All are decent family men.

Let's say my partner and I spend the evening with one of these friend, who has a partner and children at home and has come out with us. And we have met you before. We have drinks. First, I can assure you we will talk about how's life, how you and the kids are etc. We will pass on our hellos to you. We'll say what a shame you couldn't have joined him and you're at home with the kids. Maybe next time etc.

As it gets later, we'd say to your partner, isn't it about time he's getting home? That's what family men (and women) do. We check he calls you, we are standing nearby when he does. We'd then make sure he goes straight home to you when he comes off the phone. We care about his welfare, and that of his wife waiting at home.

If - by any stretch of the imagination (we'd never do this) - we agree to him coming back to ours instead after he's told you he is coming home to you, we'd make sure he phones you to tell you of his change of plans. His phone would not have gone dead in the seconds he came off the phone to you, and us telling him to call you.

If he didn't call you, we'd take his phone and we'd call you.
If he was ill at ours, and his phone had miraculously died, we'd order a taxi and deliver him home.
If he was ill at ours, and his phone had miraculously died, and he wasn't able to get in a taxi, we'd email you. We'd jump in a taxi and my partner would come round to your house to tell you in person he is safe, he's ill, he's staying the night, his phone and died, and he'd collect the charger from your house so he can call you. He'd take your phone number so we can update you.
If- by another completely unrealistic stretch of the imagination - the next day he is still ill and now STILL has not told you where he is, we would jump in a car and deliver him home to you.

There is nothing about his story which is true OP.

OP I may be wrong but the way I am seeing this is that it’s more than him going on a bender. It’s about respect. The last time this happened he knew how upset you were and you said if he ever did this again, you’d be gone.....And he’s done it again. Massively disrespectful and suggests he doesn’t care if you go because the coke fuelled benders are more important.
I’d be interested to know if the posters saying it’s not a sackable offence would accept this level of disrespect in their own relationships.

So how did you get hold of him in the end? This is bollocks 🙄

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you, this sounds like a horrific situation to be in!

I wouldn't make a snap decision as you will probably be too worn out on worrying to think clearly at this stage (I would be!). It's very easy to advise "leave his bags by the door", but I don't really see how raising the stakes helps. You obviously care deeply about your children and you need to think about what's best for them and you in the long run. If you decide that they need their father in their lives (which I don't agree with at all!), you need to put some thought into minimising the effect this has on them. It would be awful for them to think this is typical behaviour, and the strain it puts on you they will start to pick up on as they get older. I don't think it's healthy for you to be under this kind of pressure either, but if that's what you choose to do, it is your choice.

If you do leave him (which frankly seems the best option as I just don't see how his story can be true - my husband doesn't have a mobile, but there's no way he'd consider himself unable to get hold of me! Payphone, landline, friends phone, email.... the list is almost endless), I wouldn't make a snap decision. It sounds like you have no financial security and have children to look after. I'd strongly suggest looking into the legal side of things and also speak to your family to see if they can provide any support.

I'd also speak to his family, even though this will be embarrassing. If things are going to change, he will need a lot of support, and having it out in the open is necessary. The only way his story can be true is if he had so much that he was virtually unconscious for two days. This could not be just a couple of spliffs! He would have to have a serious problem. This behaviour is not normal for an adult with responsibilities, it is indicative of severe addiction or very poor mental health. Either requires support and acknowledgement from family and friends and probably professional support. Keeping it quiet out of embarassment will mean nothing ever changes.

Good luck to you OP, I hope you find a way out of this situation, and don't end up muddling through because you think it's best for the children - it isn't. They always find out and it messes them up.

If my husband did this even once I genuinely think I would leave him. This is terrible. I can’t believe how believing you are of this cock and bull story. You are worth more than this!

I get the point some posters are making re free passes to go out, have an all nighter, let off some steam. As parents it is good to have some 'down time' or whatever you want to call it. But surely, as partners, you do this in a planned way so that you are clear if your DP will not be coming home.

OP's partner has behaved unacceptably and irresponsibly. End of.

Goodness there are a lot of skeptics! But yes I did my research! Once I got hold of one person via Facebook I got one phone number then another n spoke to everyone on the night out, I know where they went when they got a taxi who went back to this house which it sounds like the party had an abrupt end once he threw up everywhere! All their stories are the same so unless they rallied round to come up with a cover story to tell me just to save his arse I’d say Its the truth! I don’t think they’d al be bothered enough to lie especially the one who’s leaving do it was. He’s Australian and going back there Tuesday so he couldn’t care less what goes on with us. And he was the most helpful. He even told me that my husband loves me so go easy on him! The place he was is a guy he who works for him, who was on the night out, they were on their way home apparently, n then he said come in for a drink. His girlfriend was at home and shes the one who cleaned up after him. Everyone left when he was sick apart from him. I know there was no coke because of how I’ll he was! That stuff sobers u up. When I was young I used to get so drunk I’d be sick all night and all the next day so it does happen and he’s done it before when we were younger n been sick all day. Having said that I’m still really pissed off he didn’t come straight home when his battery died! I know it’s hard to believe but he doesn’t have fbook n never has so he wouldn’t even know there’s messenger on it. Although the consensus on here seems to be he’s a selfish asshole and that would be the case if he’d been out having a great time whilst I’m stuck here worried. The people who know us best have all said to me he never goes out, he’s a family man really, cut him some slack. I do give him a hard time if he goes for a drink or wants to, but I think I’m justified because of the past but maybe I should let him out more so he doesn’t feel the need to drink so much when he does go out.
On another note I never normally come on here or post anything or even read them but I was so down yesterday morning I thought it would make me feel better to hear words of wisdom from someone who’d been through similar, and I did get that from some people so thank you. But others have been very harsh! I felt terrible yesterday after reading some of these posts until I spoke to my mum n best friend who made me feel so much better, wish I’d done that in the first place! Its hard to give an opinion on such a small snapshot of information. But people do on here and it can be quite hurtful. I won’t post again! In future I’d always speak to people who know the whole situation and the people involved. To some of those that made harsh comments yes I don’t work but That’s because I’m a shareholder in my partners business and everything is joint, we are a very happy family. I’m not a mug. I never have been. If anything my problem is that I’m too controlling. My kids are happy and well looked after. As I say this hasn’t happened for two years! We have no other issues. If he was an asshole to me and then went out til late on top of it some of these comments would be justified but he’s not. He’s a very hardworking man, who went out for a drink n drunk too much so I’m sorry to disappoint that this story wasn’t so interesting after all! I always think the worse myself so I see why people have straight away jumped to the conclusion that he’s a waste of space but that’s not always the case. Having said all that I’m making him sweat and told him to leave as I’m still so angry he didn’t come straight home. So thanks for all your concern, those that were, but we are all fine

Thank you for updating op. I am glad you feel matters are resolved. I posted about you having peace of mind for yourself and your children earlier on. That was my concern along with others who posted.

Whilst the relief will have coloured your judgement, he has still behaved very poorly and you will not remember the horrible feelings of anxiety and fear until he does it again. And he will.

For me, it wouldn't be the staying out all night or even the drugs that worried me. DH is a big boy and can make his own decisions about making himself ill. I know if he goes out with a particular mate, divorced, lives alone, works away a lot, usually has his kids if he's home, if he's out, it'll be a big one. DH knows this too. He'll tell me that "Dave's" out tonight, so I'll assume he'll crawl in about 5am and be fit for nothing the next day, so I make plans to do something with DD without him. They go back to Dave's, smoke weed, drink and play music as if they were 25 years younger. Last time, there was coke, so DH was home by half 12 because he doesn't do it and was bored. If he lied or was evasive about where he was or when he was coming home, I'd be furious and he would have to consider whether he wanted a family life, which requires communication, or wanted to be a full-time Dave and have DD every other weekend.

I've never stayed out all night unplanned (since marriage, anyway), but I've certainly had more to drink that I should and been rough the next day. The occasional night of excess doesn't worry me, it's the disrespect that would be a problem.

If one of DH's mates was ill, I'd stick him in the spare room with a bucket, but I'd also make sure his wife knew he was here and safe. I'm not convinced that weed would cause the illness that OP's DP described, but drink could.

To me, this would break down into separate issues:
Getting wasted and staying out all night - not a problem for me occasionally
Lying about coming home and not being contactable -big problem
Being too ill to come home for another 24 hours - dubious, into the realms of irresponsible twat behaviour in the context of point 2.

Oh I will remember those don’t worry! And he’ll be hearing about them for a long time! Needless to say his Christmas do is cancelled now!!

Although the consensus on here seems to be he’s a selfish asshole and that would be the case if he’d been out having a great time whilst I’m stuck here worried.

No, the greatness of his time isn't what makes some of think he has behaved liked a selfish asshole. It would be the same if he had horrid time. It's the fact that he didn't contact you throughout yesterday that does.

I’m sorry to disappoint that this story wasn’t so interesting after all!
OP, you are being most unfair to most posters here. People were very worried for you. I found myself yesterday evening thinking about you and hoping he had returned. Not because I wanted a nice juicy scandalous story, but because I was worried. You came on here asking for support, well people took time out of their day to provide it.

I am not saying you have to follow the support, agree with the range of views here, or anything of the sort. What you do and believe is up to you. But you seem to lack a respect for many posters here who supported you.

I'm out of this mess.

I’m sorry Op. I’m sorry that you feel a man who ‘never goes out’ but has done this many times before is a good Dad. And I’m sorry you feel that someone who goes on a cocaine and alcohol binge is the kind of person to raise kids with and that you are going to be able to shelter them from his gross behaviour.

If I knew someone touched drugs...they wouldn’t be near my children.

I’m sorry you didn’t always find the advice here helpful. You know, sometimes objective advice can be more honest than that from people too close to the situation.

The unpalatable truth is that this is not normal, not even once every two years. He is not a man who ‘drank a bit too much’, he’s a man who left you worrying for two nights holding a newborn.

I’m glad you’ve reached a peace with the situation but I think you will find yourself in this position again. Look already at what you’re saying - that you’re too controlling, that you should probably let him go out more. None of this is your fault. He is indeed a selfish arsehole.

@Georgie300 I don't think I mentioned LTB or was harsh OP? Okay I mentioned you would look like a mug if he didn't have any consequences...which I'm glad to see you're doing. I think the thing is, we see so much infidelity here on mumsnet people are quick to jump to conclusions so don't take it too personally. I just hope you manage to communicate with each other what your deal breakers are for each other. It's nice to hear your mum is your best friend 😊.

OP, you're extremely defensive! Everybody here has been very supportive and concerned and indeed relayed their own experiences, including me. I also chose to believe my now ex-h. Whatever, it's your relationship, your life. As others have said, it's not so much the going out, getting pissed, snorting, whatever he was doing, it's the sheer lack of decency when you're at home with young children and he goes missing for 48 hours and doesn't have the common decency to let you know. I remember that fear very very well, remember the ringing round hospitals, police, the utter terror of thinking that my "poor" husband was lying in a ditch somewhere rather than what he was actually doing. Good luck to you and dealing with this in the future.

OP, your husband is a liar and you are a fool.

So to compound everything presumably he's not fit for work today.?
I bet his employers will be impressed.
I can't quite see the attraction of being with a lying, drug-taking, binge drinker who acts like a completely irresponsible arse and takes zero responsibilities for his actions let alone being a father and partner.

And there is absolutely no way that a man who has form for coke would go on such a bender without coke. That you 'know' that he couldn't have done coke because he vomited (?) is absolute nonsense.

he's a family man

No he's really not.

You say people are being harsh but your own words say that you have chucked him out before, he spaffed money at a hotel. You locked him out, he broke a window to get back in. He throws money you cant justify (afford?) at bars. You had his bag packed. you had to cancel his cards because you dont trust him not to clear out your bank account......

This isnt a good relationship to me, it really isnt. He acts like a twat, you get mad and then he sweet talks you round. Every time.

It might seem harsh to be told that the man you love is taking the piss out of you and is a selfish git. But harsh doesnt necessarily mean "not true". I think you saw things far more clearly yesterday than you are today. Today you are just relieved he is back and you can get back to normal and pretend it didnt happen.....until next time.

And often people who have no agenda, no connection to you at all can see things more clearly than friends or family who would have to help you deal with the fall out of a break up. People are selfish, often they want things to say as they are for their own peace and quiet over your welfare!

Maybe you need to talk with your partner about his binge drinking when he goes out, it's not healthy nor is it safe and it sure isn't fair when your wracking ur brains the nxt day worried sick all because of his carelessness.
Dont blame yourself he acted irresponsibly, but at the same when you control ppl the minute they have that bit of freedom some do tend to go wild.. you should be able to trust that ur partner will go out drink responsibly and at least let you know he is safe. At the same time he should be able to go out a bit more and destress maybe with that bit of freedom ud manage to avoid these situations as he wouldn't be like a lion of a lease

He'd still be in my bad books

Yep. Go easy on him and remember not to post on here again the next time he does it because he will because two nights absent with no contact and no consequences is not normal. Your life but jeez please think about what message/role model that’s setting for your kids. Also remember to set your countdown clock to the next inevitable time

Oh my I feel like I’m having to justify my life 😂 how do I delete this!? There were no drugs! That was my condition 2 years ago n he stood by it. He only spent £80 before I cancelled the card n I can see where he spent it. There’s more to the story of where he was that I can’t really go into but I know why they didn’t throw him out. Thanks again for your time but we are all fine. If anything I was more angry with him before I came on here, now I’m sticking up for him it’s making me feel more forgiving! I know I asked for opinions but and some were really helpful, but we are fine now thanks he won’t be going out drinking again, he couldn’t face it even if he wanted too.

He really has done a number on you hasnt he?! Good luck.