My partner went out last night and is still not home!

[Georgie300]

My partner went out for a leaving do at 7pm and is still not home! I spoke to him at 1am and 2am when he said he was on his way home. He either hung up on me a 2am or his phone died and has been off ever since! We have been together 12 years and have 3 boys together the youngest of who is 4 months. We are very happy and get on really well but He used to do this every now and then in the early days and the late nights then turned into all night! This would always cause a massive arguement and it all came to a head a couple of years ago when he went ‘missing’ for 2 nights! I left him over it and he was so apologetic and agreed to all my conditions so we sorted things out and he hasn’t done it since... until last night.
I feel gutted but I know I have to act on it so it doesn’t all start again. Should I leave even tho it means dragging 3 kids with me? Or since he hasn’t done it in a long time am I overreacting? Not sure what to do 😩

Sorry but his story is a load of shite.

Get rid of the loser.

Op I really feel for you. My ex did similar though not as extreme to me when I had 2 very young children. At the time I had post natal depression and was so determined not to have my children grow up with divorced parents that it was not the final straw for me. His behaviour and disrespect for me increased until eventually I took anti derressants and I felt a bit stronger and left him. I wish I had been strong enough to leave earlier as he made me very unhappy. You need to make a decision based on your whole relationship. Is this a happy, fulfilling relationship? Do you feel valued? Loved? Appreciated? I hope you make the right decision for you and at the very least take steps to eradicate this behaviour so that your children don’t repeat this cycle.

"I've never understood why MNetters are so against all night benders"

I have never understood why some mumsnetters think it is OK
I guess that OH and I were already grown up responsible adults before we started a family.

Also, has he not got work to go to this morning?

Most new Nokia phones take the micro USB. Which Samsungs sonys etc also take. It's a universal charger. (if his friends had iPhones fair enough) everytime my ex had these all night benders. It turned out he was shagging other people. I aren't saying that's the case. But open your eyes a little cos his story sounds like bullshit. Hope you're OK xxx

I wouldn't be picking him up, but I would be getting rid!

A convenient story that seems to have all bases covered...

Nahh not buying it, sorry OP

I’m picking him up in the morning and will have it out with him then.

Surely all you need to do is drop his bag off? It's still 'packed and by the door waiting for him', yes??

If not, and if it never was, then forget the conversation - it won't make any difference to him. He doesn't need to worry about 'embarrassing' you because there is no comeback. You might as well get on with your day and wait for the next time.

Sorry but I think that's bullshit. If someone vomited in my house and I had to clean it up I'd have him in a taxi so fast. I certainly wouldn't let him stay all day, vomiting away, and stay another night, too. OP, he's lying to you.

Imagine if a mother did this. Just decided not to return after a night out because of a bender.

Haha. This is hilarious.

Yeah, because no woman EVER has gone out knowing the kids were safe at home with dad, got a bit carried away and not made it home/lost their phone/run out of charge/kipped on a mates sofa because they were trollers etc ever?

It will have happened up and down the country this weekend.

Some of you (about 95%) really, really need to calm down and stop advising people to trash what are otherwise decent relationships and destroy loving family homes based on a bit of a story on the internet ffs.

Reading most of the responses here you would think he was a mass murderer.

Sounds like he is a bit stressed, works hard, as had a rare night out spending his own money on getting away from things for a bit and got carried away. It also sounds like if he had explained to OP he would have got an earful so he decided (foolishly) that the best option was to just say he was on his way home. Why should he have to say when he is on his way home anyway and who was calling who at that time in the morning? My money is on OP calling him checking what he was upto and nagging him to come home. I’d have turned my phone off as well, as would most woman if it was a bloke hounding them on a night out.

Now he will be suffering and feeling like death. Milk it if you want and see if you can get a weekend out with your mates in return and let your hair down but dear god don’t pack all his stuff up without even having a chat like some of the Looney’s on here are suggesting.

@Yeeeha
What do you suggest the OP does then?

Yeeha don’t talk shite

Apart from the suspiciously slick story I'm just agog at a woman who is happy to clean up a violent puking incident and keep the perp on her sofa another night.

Yes that's what I thought. I would have chucked him out.

Most people know their partners mobile number by heart (or maybe that's just me) he could have rung you or his parents landline to get a message to you surely?

Yeeha, do you realise he's been gone two nights? It's not a night out, ffs.

@yeeha ha ha. I know. These people need to chill OUT. He only went out and didn't come home all night, leaving his DP and 4 kids not knowing if he was safe. Completely acceptable behaviour. Totally responsible and respectful. People need to relax their boundaries FFS.

Most people know their partners mobile number by heart (or maybe that's just me) he could have rung you or his parents landline to get a message to you surely?

Op said in her own last post he didn’t know it because she had changed it whatever that Means?

Is yeeha OP’s DP??!

OP your original post said you weren’t sure what to do. I hope you are now. Do you really want your boys to witness this as they grow up?

for you.

@Yeeeha

Her DP must know SOMEBODY'S Number surely! What about his parents? His OWN parents?!

@Greedynan this made me laugh 😆

I'm not sure what outcome you want this morning but I hope you get a resolution that works for you and your DC.
Be kind to yourself though.

I wouldn't be going to pick him up. Fuck him.

I wouldn't pick him up or 'have it out with him'. Not engaging at all will send him a much stronger message than engaging in a discussion with him.

I think you know though that no matter what he says and how much he promises, he will do this again and again over the years. This will honestly be your life with him. Only you can decide if it's worth putting up with.

I'm not condoning the way the OP's H has behaved in this situation (man child), but I know of several happily married couples (with kids) who have a kind of 'free pass' system. Every once in a while (about once a year) they can go out, get wasted, stay out all night, etc etc. The difference is that it's a pre-agreed thing.

There are three ways you can take this OP:

1. Kick him out (seems a bit extreme to me)
2. Bollock him, and make him promise it will never happen again (sounds unlikely)
3. Bollock him and come to agreement that he is allowed to go on such benders but only at an agreed frequency (e.g. once a year) and they have to be pre-planned.

I don't actually see the harm in no.3, if you're cool with it. And as a pp suggested, in return you get a weekend off to go and do whatever you want.