Struggling with how much DH earns (not what you’d think)

[ricepolo]

Maybe an odd problem.

DH and I have four children under 7 (youngest only a few months). We met at uni and both went into professional jobs. I moved into a different (much less well paid) sector after DC1 so that one of us would be around and no longer working crazy hours.

We’ve now reached the point where DH is earning a huge amount: enough so that I never need earn another penny all my life and we’d still be hugely well off. He works very hard and is very good at his job.

It sounds so ungrateful but his success in this area (not only is he earning lots but is also in demand as a speaker etc) just makes me feel totally useless. I’m currently between jobs (one ended just before I gave birth to DC4 and it’s too soon to look for anything new) which doesn’t help. I was brought up to believe women and men could be equals, but now I just feel that I’m turning into a kept woman. I study and volunteer lots so I’m very very busy, but all of that is only possible because of his earnings meaning I don’t have to earn money.

Does anyone have any advice? Please be kind. I know most people would love to be in this financial situation but it’s really harming my self esteem. I feel useless.

I think you should let him concentrate on making money in what he does. He is clearly good at it.

You then manage the money, invest it in a bigger house, pensions, kids education, their future businesses even. Run your joint money at home like a business.

A relationship like that can work very well. Some very well known couples operate like this also.

But the OP is missing the validationand kudos that comes with being seen as a successful person / woman. She on some level feels resentful that she has a similar background to DH and is upset that he is now very successful and she is at home with the kids.

I used to feel this way too until I decided that my career didn't define me, my employers couldn't give less of a shit about me, and I didn't care for the opinion of anyone who judged me entirely on my career. Don't think I'll ever look back and regret spending time with my kids. Once they're at school that may change but until then they are my focus and I've let go of any over-achieving nonsense around that. Never got to spend time with my mum when I was little so I'm going to make the most of it.

It was said in another context,but a gilded cage is still a cage
So irrespective of how wealthy they are,op is dissatisfied

There is a difference between being equal and being exactly the same. Your husband is making his financial contribution by earning money. You are making your financial contribution by prioritising caring for your children thus allowing your husband to go out and work as much as he does. Not to mention actually giving birth to the children in the first place (just imagine how much it would have cost if you had thrown your arms up into the air and said 'no, I don't want to be pregnant and give birth because it will interfere with my career) I'm joking of course but I think I've my point quite clear. If you start tallying up every penny save the family and every penny you gave up earning etc etc there will never be and end to it. Being equal in a marriage is about respecting one another and both contributing to the well being if the family (in whatever way you do). It's sad that in this day and a SAHP are made to feel guilty for the personal sacrifices that they have made because they can't be quantified.

But op is unsatisfed, kids,a working dh isn’t enough.she wants something for herself
I was heartily bored on mat leave,it wasn’t enough.im not defined by parent
When I’m asked about myself,I say my name,where I live,my job.
I’m not wholly defined by being a parent

Umm, I don’t mean to be crass here but the OP has 4 children. The youngest being only a baby. Has she “all of a sudden” discovered her dissatisfaction? Perhaps she’d have been more fulfilled if she’d gone back to the career ladder after the first of second child? Just a thought.

It was said in another context,but a gilded cage is still a cage

The OP isn't in a cage though. She can do what she wants. Her DH is supportive. So she can choose to return to work and get a nanny if she wants to. They have enough money that she can do whatever she wants. This thread is faintly ridiculous IMO. If she wants to go back to work then she should get a nanny and do so. End of story.

But I think that's the whole point. Sorry if I've got it wrong. But OP can't do what she wants as she has four children now. So she doesn't have the career and financial success that her DH has and she probably never will have. But that seems to be the problem.

My DH is a high earner, I don’t need to work but my MH was shocking when I wasn’t, I felt like my life was just the house and Family, I had no individuality.
I started working and I love what I do! I don’t earn anywhere even in the realms of what DH does but my MH has improved ten fold and I wouldn’t give it up for all the money in the world.

Lots of very interesting opinions and advice. Thank you all. I feel very validated in looking to see what I want and what I can do.

I'm extremely conflicted though about how much to rely on DH and how much to 'protect' myself in case of us breaking up. If he were to die, I'd be fine: we have adequate insurance etc in that case. I haven't thought through what would happen if we were to split up, but I don't want to make decisions based on that possibility: we could (and hopefully will) end up being married for another 60 years...

So much food for thought. I need to read and digest everything. Thank you again.

tomask you’re on the wrong thread mate.

I think this is more a logistics issue than a relationship one.

Maybe think about seeing a careers or life coach to work our what exactly you want to do - but op you’re in the ideal position to buy in as much domestic/ childcare help as possible to ensure you can retrain successfully/ set up your own business.

The advantage is that you won’t have to worry about cash flow whilst you’re doing that masters degree or therapy/ yoga teacher qualification so you can focus on getting the best start and not cutting corners.

A lot of challenging/creative jobs have years of training/debt to get to the stage when you’re earning decent money (then whoosh !) but you can hopefully not worry about that now!

Eg I know some (hardworking and lovely) classical musicians who married City types then went on to start using the financial stability to promote their own careers.

So it was a success story for both partners - the men could say “I’m married to x, the violinist” and x could have her own career and social status and income.

Things like flights and attending practice master classes were easier to pay for, and of course once they became better known then they started making their own money.

So eventually they became self sustaining, but they needed that initial financial boost to get them going. Win win.

Ditto with some businesses - if you have a great idea and work hard you have access to start up capital which could set you flying!

OP I understand why you feel the way you do. My husband is a big earner and despite me working hard he earns 20+ times what I earn. The money is a blessing but I have struggled with my own self esteem for years and feel useless by comparison. And I don't even have kids to raise. Over a year ago things improved as I set up my own business doing something I love and am good at. For the first time I feel I have something that is really mine. Husband is very supportive and the money gave me the chance to start from scratch, but the downside is that I know I would never be in this position if it wasn't for him. You sound like you appreciate your life and husband but it can be tricky to voice your unhappiness as people just think 'u have loads of money and a nice car so quit moaning' (as u have seen for yourself on this thread). You need to find your passion (as cheesy as that sounds), and find something just for you, whether that is a new career of voluntary work

"
So it was a success story for both partners - the men could say “I’m married to x, the violinist” and x could have her own career and social status and income."
Depressing that it was always the men who had the city jobs and earned the big bucks to support their wives' little jobs though

Stealth, I know the opposite of that couple. Woman paid for man to get set up. It does happen but maybe you are commenting on how depressingly rare it is on a societal level.

I think the OP, like many others in a similar position, has an opportunity to do literally anything. Honestly a lot of people don't have the character to really apply themselves and take advantage of he opportunity. It will be interesting to see which group OP falls into.

I take exception to the phrase "kept woman".

But what did you think would happen when you chose to have four children? That you could work and earn the same as him? Come on, that was never going to happen.

There’s a good thread you might like to read over on the feminism chat board - facilitated men (into thread 2!)

Shutit, you're kind of a jerk. I have 4 children under 5 and have supported and paid everything for our whole family for the last 6 years. My husband now outearns me well into the 100k's but that wasn't the case till recently. My salary has not taken a hit as I made decisions to keep it that way.

Women are perfectly capable of earning well if that's where their focus lies. And there's nothing wrong with choosing to focus on family as your contribution.

If he earns loads you can get full or part time nanny and outsource all cleaning etc and do what you like
If it's working do it if it's volunteering or art do it.
Or look after dc . It s your choice..but remember dc will grow up...
Pay for a life coaching session and work put what you want to do and feel good about it

Was there any need for that?

But what did you think would happen when you chose to have four children? That you could work and earn the same as him? Come on, that was never going to happen.

Why not? Genuinely.

Why not? Does it really need saying? Are you suggesting that men and women have completely equal earning power and that maternity leave, being the main carer etc have no effect on our job prospects?

Are you people on glue?

Why not? Does it really need saying? Are you suggesting that men and women have completely equal earning power and that maternity leave, being the main carer etc have no effect on our job prospects?

Well it does need saying. And examining. Men and women should have equal earning power yes. Why not?
Maternity leave should not affect a career past the point of return surely? If Sally has six months off for maternity she should expect to come back six months behind her colleagues then resume her progress. And yet that’s not what happens - and when we ask why to that question, the answer is that men are more often facilitated, that women often suffer a penalty far disproportionate to the time they took off, and that frankly the whole setup is a tiny bit sexist. And probably needs changing

It's definitely difficult living in the absence of work success, income validation, validation from colleagues on work well done. It's really hard to maintain self esteem, yes. But it's not impossible, and imho it is actually good for you to be able to find where your sense of worth stems from. For most people it's looks, work, possessions. I think that's a bit sad.